I was asked to continue the idea of Nerdanel coming to Middle-Earth with Fingolfin's host, so... here you go.
This is a follow-up to Ice statues.
Broken bonds
He melted. Just like the fire of his spirit had consumed the body, the heat of the new light that came melted her statue. One day he was there and the next he was gone. She was alone.
The new light was bright and warm – a true blessing after the years spent in cold and darkness. It took her statue, the image of her husband made of grief and rage, but it also brought new hope and reminded her that her boys were still there, alive. She needed to see them, all of her seven sons. She had to hear what had happened, she had to confront them about their deeds. She also needed to make sure her family would not slaughter each other. She knew Nolofinwe could be reasoned with and she had grown fond of him and his children, but she was also aware there were elves among his host who would gladly draw blood for the pain and loses they had endured. And her sons would be the receiving end.
Nerdanel spent long hours on the shore, staring at the cruel road they had made through the ice. She could not go back home; none of them could.
And so the light brightened her road as she went back south to the elves she now too regarded as her family. She was soon spotted by Findekano's scouts and escorted safely to the encampment at the northern shore of a lake that had no name to her. The settlement had been abandoned by her sons, she was told, and the plans of enlarging it were already being made. But first, certain matters had to be settled.
Nerdanel was going to request to be a part of the group meeting her sons, but she didn't have to. Nolofinwe asked her to accompany him, knowing she would wish to see her sons, but also trusting she could soften them, should the need occur.
They met half way between the two camps. It was Makalaure and Curufinwe who came to greet Nolofinwe, and Nerdanel could see Carnistir among their Noldor. Makalaure introduced himself as king regent, but he offered no explanation for such situation.
Nerdanel remained hidden between Nolofinwe's elves, her hood covering her face. She watched Makalaure talking with his uncle, with Curufinwe right behind him, vigilant and proud. He looked a lot like Fëanaro, but there was something clouding his features and burdening his heart; her mother's eyes spotted it on sight. All three of her sons who had come bore the same open wound and she could not find the cause of it.
While Nolofinwe was a sensible man, he could be also impatient, and his eldest son even more. Seeing that their patience was growing thin and their tolerance to Curufinwe's remarks was little, Nerdanel decided to step in before their negotiations evolved into an argument.
"Wait."
She took a step forward and let the hood fall on her back. Whatever angry retort Curufinwe was about to make, he forgot it as he stared at her. Being used to her long wild locks, they were all perplexed to see her like that, she knew it from the unbelieving eyes that fell on her. Her hair, wild yet matted and unhealthy looking, barely reached her shoulders and like the rest, she was clad in whatever she still possessed; it didn't matter on ice. All that mattered was to stay alive.
But first of all, her sons were surprised to see her here. And she was going to use it.
"Forgive me this interruption, Nolofinwe, but there is too much going on in here that I do not understand and I would like to talk to my sons in private," she said calmly. "There are things to settle and to clarify, that's for sure, but we are not in a hurry. Let us talk first and then, perhaps, we shall meet again in more... favourable circumstances."
She wasn't trying to hide her purpose and it was plain both Nolofinwe and Makalaure realised what she was doing, but they accepted her interruption.
"You speak wisely, Nerdanel. No good comes from rushed decisions, this much we have learned."
"If you follow us, we shall speak," added Makalaure, having decency to look uncomfortable after Nolofinwe's remark.
"Very well." Nerdanel left the group and went to stand beside her son. "I shall return, Nolofinwe, and we shall talk. But for now, let me speak to my sons."
She walked between her sons' elves and didn't look back. She could feel them staring at her and she wished to ask all the questions that were bothering her, but she couldn't right now. Instead, Nerdanel accepted a horse that was offered to her and rode side by side with Makalaure, engaged in small talk, as if they weren't seeing each other for the first time in years. She could see he was tense, just like Curufinwe and Carnistir, but she could hardly ask about the reason in front of everyone.
They made their way to the settlement and through it to one of the bigger buildings. Makalaure ordered the guards to take care of the horses and they were finally left alone, just she and her boys.
"So?" Asked Nerdanel as soon as the doors closed behind them. "What's going on? Why are you ruling in your brother's stead? Where is Maitimo? Has he gone fighting?"
"He has."
"And?" Dread came over Nerdanel as she watched her sons. Her Fëanaro was gone, but what of their eldest?
The three brothers shifted uncomfortably and looked at each other. She tried to reach for them, but each kept his mind closed and guarded his thoughts carefully.
"Maitimo is gone," whispered Makalaure. He turned and grabbed her hands, dragged her closer. "He's gone, Amme. He's lost to the Enemy. He w..." His voice broke and he closed her in tight embrace, then composed himself a bit and continued. "He went to pact and fell into a trap. All of his men were slaughtered and he... he got captured."
"No..."
"Please, sit. Make yourself at home." Offered Makalaure awkwardly, leading Nerdanel to his desk. "Moryo, Curvo, could you please bring us... something?" He looked pointedly at the door.
"Of course." The two brothers left and thick silence fell in the room. Nerdanel was staring at his son's desk covered with scrolls and papers. None of the scribbles were poetry or music, she noticed at once. Just records, notes, scout reports...
"Where are the others?" She asked hoarsely.
"Tyelkormo and Ambarussa left for a hunt," replied Makalaure and sat heavily on his desk, regardless to the papers. "They should be both back before dusk."
"What...?" Nerdanel glanced up and met her son's eyes, full of grief and remorse. Right now he seemed more burdened than those who had crossed the ice.
"Telufinwe was burned along with the ships. It was an accident. He was on the deck," uttered Makalaure. "No one knew... Father wouldn't have..."
"Don't you dare to make excuses for Fëanaro" Hissed Nerdanel. "He was a damn fool and so were you all for following him."
"Is it what they say about us?" Asked Makalaure bitterly.
"It's what I say," retorted she and suddenly her anger dimmed as she was yet again reminded that her foolish husband was no longer among the living. Her Fëanaro, her sons...
"I wish it was different," whispered Makalaure and for a moment she thought he was going to break and sob in her arms like a child he once was. But Makalaure did no such thing; he straightened and the look he gave her was grim, yet determined.
"Tell me, Kano. What happened to Maitimo?"
And tell her he did, recalling those dreadful days of darkness and despair in this new land. He spoke of evil creatures and fire demons that had taken Fëanaro and Maitimo, about the conditions Moringotto had given them. He offered no excuses for their deeds and for the burned ships; the loss itself had imprinted a mark on his fëa.
They sat in silence until the other brothers returned, Curufinwe carrying a tray of food and wine and Carnistir with some fine clothes. Nerdanel looked at them and forced her raging emotions to calm; her sons didn't need to deal with her grief as well.
"I thought it may suit you," said Morifinwe and he offered his mother a light green dress and an outer robe embroidered richly around the collar and at the ends of the sleeves.
Out of habit, Nerdanel smiled fondly at her son, but she put the clothes aside.
"I will not take it."
"Why?" Asked Morifinwe, perplexed.
The fabric was indeed soft and beautiful, but it would give no protection from cold and that's how she had learned to regard her garments. Her clothes were worn and dim, repaired many times, but they had kept her alive.
"It's useless." Nerdanel shrugged and put the dress away. "And I shall not return to Nolofinwe dressed like a princess."
"You are the wife of Fëanaro, you have every right to dress like a princess," remarked Curufinwe. "I will not see you walking around in these!"
"Then leave and don't speak until you behave like a grown-up I've taken you for!" Nerdanel rose on her feet and Curufinwe took a step back, surprised by her anger.
"Amme..."
"If you wish to see me clad in those fine things, do send fabrics to Nolofinwe. He will not ask for your help, this much he does share with his brother," she let out a mirthless laugh. "But we are all in desperate need for provisions."
"So it's 'we' now?" Curufinwe arched an eyebrow, disgust visible on his features.
"I told you not to speak unless you have something sensible to say," growled Nerdanel. "Yes, you should have heard me when I said I would return. And if you cannot stand to see me like that, then leave!"
"Curvo meant well, Amme." Makalaure decided to step in. "We all wish the best for you. Please, would you at least have dinner with us? And wait for Tyelko and Pityo? They would be so disappointed to have missed the chance to see you."
Her eyes must have betrayed her, she realised as she heard the offer. She was glancing at the food Curufinwe had brought, at the fresh fruit and meat neatly cut on the plate, at the wine casting red reflections on the papers. She still felt like she didn't remember the taste of those things, though she had had some real meals at the other side of the lake.
They ate hardly exchanging some casual remarks and it was so surreal Nerdanel stopped at some point and just watched her sons. They were here, at least three of them. Two were to come and two were lost, just like Fëanaro. She tried not to dwell on that thought but she could not; not when she saw the weariness Makalaure could not hide from mother's eyes.
"I should be going back soon," muttered Nerdanel as the silence became awkward. She took a careful sip of wine, enjoying its taste and scent. "It is quite a distance and I don't wish to travel at night." She despised darkness and even with the silver light of the moon she didn't want to walk alone.
"Please, wait for Pityo and Tyelko," asked Carnistir, unaware that he repeated Makalaure's earlier request. "We can escort you back and take horses, it will be much quicker and safer."
Nerdanel looked at her sons and saw the same plea in their eyes. Either there was something they were not telling her or they simply wished to keep her a bit longer. Whatever the case was, she was willing to prolong her stay. She did wish to see all of her boys.
"Very well. But then, I must go."
"I don't like it, but it is a wise decision to go back," admitted Makalaure. "We need to cooperate and we need someone willing to speak with both groups. I know it's not why you've come here, but..."
"Have I not been a peacemaker before?" Nerdanel sent him a tired smile. "I will see what can be done, for I do not wish to see any conflict arise between you."
"Thank you."
"Moryo? Would you be able to find me some more practical clothes than these?" She asked Carnistir carefully. "I appreciate your gift, but we've got lots of work to do and it would soon be wasted."
"Of course," replied Morifinwe a bit stiffly, but he stood up and left, taking the dress with him.
"Where is your forge?" Nerdanel looked at Curufinwe still standing by the door, as if unsure whether to follow his brother or not. "Before I go, I need to repair something and we do not have resources for that."
"Oh. Anything, Amme. Come with me."
Nerdanel followed her son to the small workshop he had near the house. She eagerly went in and allowed herself to enjoy the scent of the forge. It was small and primitive in comparison to what she had known from Valinor, but it was definitely a forge, warm and familiar; so familiar that she caught herself waiting for Fëanaro to come, busy as he always was when he was working. But it was only Atarinke preparing fire for her and making some space on the working table.
They worked in silence, broken occasionally by her requests to pass her something as she was repairing her tools. After all, there was too much and too little to be said and none of them felt comfortable to touch the delicate maters. While she could talk to Makalaure, Curufinwe seemed much more reserved and distant than she remembered. Once he made sure she had all she needed, he returned to his own tasks.
"What are you working on?" inquired Nerdanel after a while, as she was waiting to start the next step of her repairs. She was rather perplexed to see only the simplest things around her.
"What?" Curufinwe looked at his mother as he caught her stare. "No jewels? That's what you wanted to say? Was this the purpose of your coming here to make some repairs? To see if I am not creating some breath-taking masterpieces? I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. We don't have such resources. And try as I may, I am not him," he spat and tossed his tools on the table. The doors slammed behind him as he left.
Nerdanel stayed in the forge to finish her work. Whatever Curufinwe might have thought, she really just wanted to use his workshop and not spy on him, as he had apparently judged her inquiries. She was about to clean the table when someone went in.
"I was sure Curvo was just teasing me," she heard and as she turned around, she saw her youngest son standing at the doorstep. "I'm glad he wasn't."
Ambarussa spoke sincerely, but he was almost like a stranger to her. He was calm and composed, but there was some awful emptiness within him. And he was alone.
Nerdanel approached him and without a single word, she just closed him in tight embrace. He let her, but the impression of distance didn't disappear. The elf before her was changed, but somewhere there was her youngest child, who should have stayed with her instead of following his father and brothers.
"Tyelko is going to regret staying longer," muttered Ambarussa and freed himself from her grasp. "He didn't want to waste good weather, so we split and I returned with what we have already hunted."
Nerdanel took her tools, now ready for further use, and followed her son outside. She could feel Ambarussa wished to talk to her, but not here, within the settlement. So as she voiced her need to return to Nolofinwe, she wasn't really surprised he was the first to offer to accompany her.
This time Carnistir found her some trousers and shirt, along with dark green tunic and matching cloak. Nerdanel gladly changed into the new clothes and she smiled as she found a bracelet in one of the pockets. She could easily recognize Curufinwe's work and she placed it on her wrist, willing to please him after his abrupt departure.
They all went outside to see her off. All of them, her included, were bit tensed.
"Please tell Tyelkormo I don't intend to go anywhere," said Nerdanel. "We shall see each other soon."
"I hope so." Makalaure sent her a smile, sincere, if a bit weary. "Stay safe. We will be waiting for news from you, Amme." he placed his hand on his heart and bowed slightly.
Curufinwe brought her a horse and kept it as she mounted. He seemed grim and remained silent the whole time, but as she and Ambarussa were about to depart, he spoke suddenly.
"You should have stayed in Valinor. It's not safe here."
"As should have you." Nerdanel urged her horse and left, Pityo following her closely.
This kind of experimental idea, so I'm dying to know what you think. Ideas, suggestions are welcome.
If there is something wrong, please tell me, I will never feel offended. And if you have a cookie for the author, then all the better! But I take lemons too :)