Parental Discretion Advised
show: Young and the Restless
central characters: Reed Hellstrom
summary: "What if my dad is the villain this town swears he is? What if my mom is an actual witch?" / Or, in which Reed Hellstrom understands who his parents are, post-domestic abuse. For Bria.
disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine, and everything you don't is. "R.I.P 2 My Youth" is not mine. It belongs to The Neighbourhood and just highlights where Reed is at this point in his life. I don't own Y&R and this is only for entertainment value.
notes: I did not expect it to be this long, but happy reading. If you don't like Reed, please click the back button. I won't hold it against you. I guess, throughout this abuse story, Reed has been glaringly missing in key moments and really, hasn't been able to react to what has happened. This is just an exercise in giving Reed a richer life and filling in the blanks of his thought process, using JT and Victoria – as that vehicle. It's a little different but I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed reading it.
PROLOGUE
Lou Humphries is in many ways, a kid. But he isn't. He knows that the day he meets Chanel Whittaker and actually likes her enough to be exclusive. He's known to mess around. Have fun. Be the goofball in his core group of friends. Last year, he's pretty sure he has an outline of how senior years is going to look like. There are changes. Changes with his people, changes in him.
He meets Chanel last spring when she's new at GC High when she has this brief thing with Reed in between his thing with Kendall. How girls are into his buddy this way, he'll never know. But it's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of thing, so he's technically not breaking any guy code rules. When Reed and Steph are voted Cutest Couple in the yearbook long before he leaves for boarding school, it blows his mind because they aren't a thing either. Chanel is gorgeous. Like stupidly gorgeous with long dark hair, freckles placed like God was showing off with a paintbrush. Louis smiles, remembering her deep-set brown eyes and how she's the first girl to not really find him funny. Everyone finds him funny. He's the class clown. Always has been. It's his niche and this one girl doesn't acknowledge it. It's the first time a girl makes him mad enough to ponder it, and shaking him what he does.
In the middle of being mad and annoyed that this girl who has the audacity to curve him and then expose what he wrestles with, Chanel Whittaker becomes his girlfriend. His serious girlfriend. She's an attractive girl, of course, only 5 foot 4 to his nearly 6 feet. But in her little stature is a large attitude and a clear-cut way of expressing herself. She comes from a largely religiously family when she has no belief system. She's religiously ambivalent. She's into all religions and no religion at the same time.
Grandma Ruthie calls his girl a heathen, but then again, his grandmother got this aversion to paying taxes and still does not have a bank account, hides her money in her worn mattress. Grandma blends her love of Cardi B and Tupac with organ tinted old school church hymns while wearing her largest hats to church. Of course, there's a god, a force, a deity up there or whatever, but I'm not waiting for someone to swoop down from above and bless me, Louie, Chanel says one day in late March.
He remembers because sunlight touches her hair. Louis also remembers that February day because it's the day he looks into transforming his aptitude for computers and machines into some lifelong, and worthwhile. Walking into the guidance counsellor's office is weird for him, and there's a voice asking about engineering, computer science asking seriously about any and all programs available, internships and even college preparation courses. Lou is doing all this way a renewed energy that leaves me studying during the day, and coding as a computer screen illuminate his face in the dark at night. Last spring, Newman Enterprises goes through a really messed hack to their entire system. Their servers are shot. Data is compromised and e-mails are infiltrated with serious bugs he battles before. Ms. Newman answers the door one morning when he arrives to give Reed a ride to school.
Grandma says to stay out of people's business and mind his. Always mind his. His incarcerated members always remind to not snitch because bad things happen to people who do. He has a feeling that perhaps, Reed's family is the same with loyalty and whatnot, but Ms. Newman is stressed.
Lou does something crazy. He stops, turns around and offers to take a look at the hack. If he can deal with this monster, vanquish it, and then save Reed's family company – even though his best friend isn't about that corporate life – then Lou will know he's not a kid. He's not just a class clown. Lou's serious. Can run diagnostic tests, break apart this hack and put together a new digital shield to make sure nothing like this or worse penetrate that Newman Castle, he sees standing tall and imposing from his bedroom window every night.
Reed calls him insane. His mom looks at him, once, and dear God, her eyes are as piercing as people say they are. Should he curtsy or bow? He has no idea.
After the longest pause of his life, Ms. Newman agrees and thanks him and catches the beginning of her calling his mom. Detective Rashida Walker, head of the Sexual Crimes and Cold Case unit at the Genoa City Police Department.
Lou can always feel things are changing. It's in his gut. Somewhere in his bones.
Then, it does. Just texts from Chanel in quick succession.
babe.
can't sleep.
period's late.
He remembers his heart beginning to race. No, no, no.
Lou remembers vividly every sexual experience he has from the day he loses his virginity to an older girl down the block when he's thirteen. He wears a damn condom and Chanel is on the pill after he takes her virginity.
took a test twice.
two lines
i'm pregnant.
Lou blinks and stupidly wants to text, is it mine? But he doesn't.
His fingers are shaking. Lou almost can't breathe, and jumps out of bed.
A wave of nausea drowns him and chokes him so intensely. He can see uncertainty as a bottomless tunnel, distant screeching of a speed train headed for him. Fear churns in his stomach, not for him. Or, Chanel, but for this baby he makes with her when he isn't trying.
Lou tries to control his nausea, but it kicks his ass and sends him throwing up and retching in his trash bucket.
—
It takes Lou and Chanel three months to process it mentally, while figuratively moonwalking harder than Michael Jackson – may he rest in power and no Thriller slander will be tolerated – to hide things physical. Chanel doesn't look pregnant. She tells him she's hiding her prenatal vitamins in the loose bathroom tile above her toilet. He lies about going to school when he's doing more of his courses online to fast track his ass out of Genoa City High. He's in and out of Newman Enterprises when Ms. Newman needs him to consult, work with their IT dudes and security department at the same time and he's paid decently for it. So, he'll manage on the money front and do what he has to. Never be the man who leaves his wife and two young kids behind only to reappear with contrition, regrets while run down by the legal system. It's easy to be sorry and give a damn when serving a hefty sentence for attempted murder. It's odd knowing his dad is reduced to a set of assigned numbers. Ramona still want to know him, know of him. Lou figures he knows enough. He's got his own problems and for the sake of his sanity, has to find every reason in the world to laugh. It's his balm. It's his medicine. It's why he needs engineering. He's building something and put it out there with the comfortable knowledge of leaving an indelible mark in the world. He just never expects it to be a baby.
Good news travels. Rumors are whispers and spilled tea being hot isn't just a saying anymore. Not with him. It takes Grandma Ruthie not long to figure out she's going to be a great-grandmother. Grandmothers are magical being and wisdom must be the source of their power. Chanel's older sister finds out next, surprising them by saying nothing because it's not her place and may be this will teach their parents that the world isn't as linear as they preach to the congregation on Sundays. As Chanel's tummy grows with his child – holy shit, he's going to be someone's father – so do the number of people who knows. Steph, stoic as ever, has the look of confusion and muted surprise as Reed tries to hide coughing on his coffee.
"Hmm," Steph says finally, as her eyes lock on his. "I'd say congratulations but it wouldn't register with you."
It doesn't.
"Wow," Reed starts, and blinks at him. He shakes his head. "You're going to be a…dad? Dude. A baby? Wow. I mean, I'd wish you and Chanel congrats, but this is wild," he exhales, bringing his coffee to his lips again. "I mean, I'm glad I'm not you. My mom would go nuclear."
"No shit, Reed!" Lou snaps, controlling the volume of his voice and how sharp he sounds. He's hiding ultrasound photos, giving Chanel and this kid his time and attention because he's responsible for them. He buys a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and hides between his mattresses, or some obscure place in his car. "I'm sorry. I'm stressed… Fuck. The one time I used protection and she was actively taking the pill… I might as well go pick out my casket, you guys. I'm gonna die."
"You're doing work for my mom at Newman though?"
"Yeah, and listen, it's a lot. But I love doing it and it helps me tune out things," he explains and then feels a tug at his lips. It's hard to smile these days when piss scared. "Your mom gives me a ton of stuff to do and pays me. It's good."
Reed frowns lightly, glancing downward and shrugs.
"You're gonna be there for your kid. That's… what matters, right?"
"Yeah," Lou affirms. "No doubt. I'm not trying to be my parents."
He knows Reed well enough to know that he's shutting down and his family is powerful, his grandfather is an OG, Mrs. Newman is one of the coolest people ever – for a grandmother. She has a past as a stripper when his grandmother is a member of Black Panther Party in the late 60s. Lou isn't the type as a kid to sit down and absorb instructions and understand wisdom, but his grandmother speaks in riddles all the time, so he's forced to listen and break it apart to what he means. Sometimes, he fools himself into finding some hidden subtexts. Sometimes using four different cheeses in her mac and cheese isn't symbolic for the balance of life and the four elements that shape it. All it means is that the mac and cheese isn't dry. That's it. Grandma Ruthie casts him a sideways glance and then tells him to slide this pan of mac and cheese in the oven so he can be honest with her and tell her everything.
—
Changes. Lou senses them coming, hard and fast. In his case, changes unravel in real time week to week. One week it's Chanel's morning sickness being All Day Sickness with the next week being the beginnings of a tiny baby bump. The only thing that remains unchanged between he and his girlfriend is that abortion isn't an option. She's more religious than she cares to admit, and well, Lou still finds himself in a three hour church service where tithing is more mandatory than a metaphor, or the Holy Spirit saying so. The bishop has a new suit every week and Lou realizes it's his cup running over. Oh. It's like that.
"Impending fatherhood finally made you woke."
"Who lied and told you I wasn't?" Lou questions, glancing at her up and down. "I'm always woke out here. For one," he explains seriously to receive a raised inquiring eyebrow from Steph and Reed leaning in his chair, "I know I'm not going to have my kid look at me differently. And two, I'm not having my son or daughter put me on some freakishly high pedestal. I've done the falling thing. Not fun."
Steph's lips, painted a dark plum, quirk into the shadow of a smile.
"It's not that awful when you see your parents for what they are—"
"—because," Reed finishes right after her because these two have some freaky mind meld thing going on that nobody really understands, "it means you know, but do we really know? I mean, what if my dad is the villain this town swears he is? What if my mom is an actual witch?"
Lou stares at him, warily, "Bro, you good? That was oddly detailed."
"Well, my life's fucked," Reed mutters. "Has been for a while."
Steph's blue eyes have a gleam in them. Lou can't place it and he doesn't dare peek into the wheels and gears that turn inside that really dark mind of hers. She swears, roots into her purse and slips a translucent purple lighter in his hand.
"There's a fresh pack of cigarettes behind that Monet painting at the guesthouse. There's no one home and you're wound up now. The fridge is stocked up and no, I'm not telling you where the liquor is," Steph says in that matter of fact way only she can. And yep, Lou is still scared of her. He isn't going to admit it to her face though. She drops her house keys in front of him on the table and jerks her head towards the door. "Call your mom. Tell her you're with me tonight. She has an issue with it, I'll tell her I offered and you're fine."
"My mom wouldn't go for it."
"It doesn't matter what she would go for," Steph argues, not caring. "What matters is that you're sane when you go home in the morning. You need space and a break from the questions you have about your dad, dude."
Reed takes the set of keys and thanks her. She shrugs, sipping on her black coffee.
He can't help by extend a fist to her. She looks at it, him, and then bumps it with a light roll of her eyes. "You're gonna be a dad, Humphries. I don't want to be mean to you. Today."
Lou raises his mug to her. "And Grandma Ruthie says Satan can't be gracious. Here, here."
Steph chuckles, and brushes back her hair before showing him her middle finger. It's streaked an ice grey. Like she's taking actual ice and twisted it into her hair until it melts into it. It's starkly different on her but there's a shift in all of them. Reed is more mature, more driven, surer of his music aspirations while this baby is real to him and anxiety rattles in his chest. Anticipation, too.
All three of them look at each other and Lou thinks yep, shit has truly changed. In hindsight, Lou muses being recalled into his present, he's a kid but he's in a really grown up situation he can't change. Not that he wants to anyway.
—
It takes months of every emotion thrown at him and reality really knocking him in the face. His family is blown away – his mother is rendered speechless, for once. Ramona hugs him and says some slick shit about being the favourite now. Chanel's family isn't any easier and the good reverend tries to kick his visibly pregnant daughter out of the house until her mother intervenes. She declares she knows all along and is just waiting for Chanel to say something.
It changes day to day and Lou can't expect support. Maybe because the baby isn't here, or maybe because the baby isn't tangible although very visible.
Chanel's water breaks on November 28.
On November 29, Lou's life changes forever as the axis of his world tilts so quickly, he falls and doesn't know how to stand back up. He hears sounds, sees doctors and nurses, feels Chanel clamp down on his hand and then in the silence, Lou hears it. He hears her.
A little girl, the doctors say. A daughter. God, he has a daughter.
On November 29th, at 3:16am, Zahra Joy Whittaker-Humphries cries her into the world, flushed pink and little fists flailing. This little girl with a head of dark hair, her mother's ears, his mouth and maybe his eyes – he can't tell and he's too busy marvelling at how he brings something so beautiful in the world – grabs a fistful of his heart and doesn't let go.
Zahra. His shining, brilliant beauty full of light.
—
His daughter is swaddled and wears a little pink cap.
Zahra rests on Chanel's chest as she makes these little sounds. Squeaks, short cries, a coo or two. He's not sure what it all means as her hand is wrapped around her mother's finger. Is she saying hello? Is she probably questioning why she isn't safe and warm in Chanel's belly anymore? It doesn't matter because Lou has this little human who needs him and trust him. Chanel cradles the baby with a glance at her and a soft smile, studying Zahra's sleeping form. Louis slides in, aware there is something priceless here. She meets his eyes, with her hair a messy bun on her head and those freckles he loves so much prominent. Lou wonders his daughter will inherit those freckles.
Chanel shifts, and invites him with a pat on the spot next to the bed.
He knows there are people outside, an avalanche of well wishes and jubilation but he selfishly wants to cherish this for himself.
Lou gently slides into that spot, slipping an arm around Chanel's shoulders. His grandma always tells him sagely that he may be grown in the body, but he's half-empty in spirit. He heart feels physically heavy, full of a kind of love that is so powerful, he could be baptized in it. Zahra tentatively opens her eyes, blinks once and then twice. Chanel shifts the baby and he admits when he feels all 7 pounds and 6 ounces of her fill the space between his arms, Lou's eyes get misty. He presses a feather light kiss to the little pink cap on her head.
Every little breath she takes is in time with Lou's heartbeat.
"You're in love, huh?"
Lou notes how rosy Zahra's cheeks rosy are. "Daddy's got you," he says, softly, "and your mom's pretty smart and the real MVP here, you know. I am in love with you, Zahra Joy."
He takes his gaze away from the baby to meet Chanel's worried look. She frowns, slightly.
"Hey, I gassed you up to our little twinkle here," he replies and noticing, playing with her hands. She does that when she's frustrated or unsure or even nervous. It's a serious kind of tension in the room like an elastic band has been stretched. It's fraying as he grasps one end and she the other. Zahra's whole life rests in the middle of this tension. Lou brushes an errant curl from her face and she exhales. "Hey. Babe, talk to me. No jokes. Promise."
"Can you give her to me so I can put her in the bassinet over here?"
"Yeah," Lou agrees, and gently transfers Zahra into Chanel's waiting arms. The baby cries at the sudden movement. Chanel just rocks her as she gently places their daughter in the bassinet. His gaze flickers to the door, suddenly aware that Zahra will join other babies born on this day down in the nursery. He hates those damn nurses. "She good?"
"Just asleep, but she's good. We made her, Lou," she marvels. She sniffles, voice cracking. "We have a child. This little girl who is innocent and will need us for the rest of her life," she wipes at her eyes, arm with the IV needle embedded it. "I'm so happy, so tired. I love her, but…" she looks at him, some tears drying on her cheeks and new ones streaking down her cheeks, "…I'm so scared. She's so perfect and we're going to screw up."
Lou kisses her forehead and wipes her tears.
"You know what?" Lou says, and grabs her hands, kisses them. "I was talking with Reed and Steph early in your pregnancy. We were just sharing things that were happening to us. I'm worried just like you. That little girl over there will depend on us and no matter how old she gets, we're Mom and Dad. Reed is away at school right now, and these hits about his dad just keep coming."
Chanel blinks and concern falls on her face. "There's more on his dad?"
"My mom is one of the officers working on it with Detective Rosales. That's all I know. She can't tell me anything because I'm some weird conflict of interest. I do work for Newman Enterprises, and… Reed's my best friend. But that's just it. My friend is so twisted up because all of a sudden, his dad is one huge question mark," Lou explains, matter of factly to his girlfriend. "That's just the point. I don't want Zahra to question us. I don't want her to believe her parents are perfect because we aren't. So, that means we're going to screw up. She'll lose it when her foods touch, get mad when I don't like her boyfriend…or girlfriend."
Chanel laughs, quietly.
"Hey, it can happen and I'm okay with it."
"True," Chanel agrees. "She'll grow up and rebel, probably yell at me for ruining her life."
"She won't be perfect either, but I don't want be a question mark to Zahra. I don't want to be here and then shift in a way that has her so confused it hurts," Lou continues. "It's not the best situation. We had plans but you know, we'll figure it out. We're not going to be like our parents and Zahra won't ever go through what Reed has been because we won't let it happen."
Chanel takes a cleansing breath and then exhales, kissing him.
"Okay," Chanel says, after pondering it in comfortable silence. "I believe you. We'll do what we have to do for her."
Oh. It's November 29th. Oh God.
He laughs, just like God might when the mere mortals are foolish enough to plan anything.
"It's November 29th."
"Uh, I know," Chanel says, attention back on Zahra. The baby sucks on a soother the hospital gives her as she sleeps. "That's what it'll say on the birth certificate."
"What if… I happened to call Reed later today and offer him a birthday present?"
"Oh," Chanel realizes. "It's his birthday…and hers."
"You smart," he says playfully, in the tone of DJ Khalid. "You loyal."
He kisses her nose.
"So, what birthday present were you thinking?"
Lou grins. "Asking him to be our kid's godfather…if he wants it."