Lyrics are from Under My Feet by Celldweller.
Disclaimor: Don't own it. Don't sue.
So this is how it feels to suffer?
And I had too much to say
But it's over now
And I'm going down
Alone, alone
Bobby lay in bed, wider awake than he'd ever been on any
other sleepless night. He couldn't sleep. No man should be able to
sleep when he's lost everything. Well, everything that he loved
anyway. He had plenty of other things that he didn't care about one
way or the other, things that would never look at him with tears in
their eyes and tell him to leave. Things that he never worried about
crying into their pillows every night. Things that didn't mean a damn
thing to him, except that he had something to throw when the pain in
his chest became unbearable.
That was part of his problem. He kept everything inside,
well, everything that he didn't take out on the wall anyway. The
brilliant Robert Goren was also the stupidest man he'd ever known.
Bobby closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, remembering the
events of earlier that night. It had been a nice night. He had taken
Alex out to dinner at a gorgeous Italian restaurant on the river, and
then they'd gone back to her apartment, where he presented her with a
diamond bracelet, which caused her to break down in tears.
"What is it?" He'd wrapped his arms around her and held her, stroking
her hair in the hopes of calming her down.
But she'd pulled away from him.
"Bobby," she sniffled and wiped her eyes. "when are things going to
change"
"Change"
"Yes, change. It's been six months, and not a soul knows that we're
together"
He sighed, sounding probably more annoyed than he'd meant to. "Alex,
we've talked about this. No one can know. We'll have to get new
partners and I'm not sure that"
"Who cares?" She was shouting, the look in her eyes differed from
hurt to angry, and Bobby didn't know which emotion to address. "God
Bobby! New partners? I don't care, you know, I really don't. I just
want to be with you"
"You ARE with me"
He thought she might hit him then.
"Sure I am, Bobby. Only no one can know, right? Do you know how that
makes me feel"
He shook his head.
"Like you're ashamed"
"You know better than that, Alex"
"Then why! Why keep it a secret"
He sighed, and leaned against the wall, covering his face with his
hands. "I don't want people talking about us"
She scoffed. "Well they already are, sweetheart. They're saying we're
sleeping together, did you know that? Not that we're dating or
anything like that, God forbid they find out, but that we're having
casual sex, and acting like it never happens. They think I'm a slut,
Bobby"
Bobby hadn't said a word. The ceiling mocked him for it.
There had been so much he'd wanted to say. But he couldn't form
words. "I don't know what to say," was out of the question. She WOULD
have hit him then. And he would have deserved it, and he knew that.
So he'd just stood there, hiding his face like a child, wishing he
knew the words to say that what he wanted more than anything was for
them to be together. Then she'd asked him to leave. So he did.
Promises and wishes all mean nothing When it's me that I'm speaking to Wanting something Won't mean I will see it through
He sat up, checking the alarm clock. It was three o'clock.
He'd gone to bed at nine. Not a single second had he been close to
sleep. His mind was too heavy for sleep. Not a single thought had
been about anything but Alex. There was pressure in his forehead from
a migraine that had lasted for hours, and it seemed to throb as if in
punishment when his eyes wandered across the room to the snapshot of
Alex that was framed on his dresser. The picture was about six months
old, from their first date, and the smile on Alex's face made it
obvious to him that she didn't always feel the way she did. The first
few months she'd been perfectly happy keeping it a secret from
everyone, it was like a game that they could play to get away from
work. Then one of the new detectives, Shelly Payton, had asked her if
Bobby was available, and she'd nearly blown it.
That night she'd cried at him, asking why it had to be a secret. He'd
been more helpful then.
Maybe his growing affection for her had caused several of his brain
cells to deteriorate. It was entirely possible. At least twelve hours
a day she was on his mind, and after work he went home to think about
calling her.
On the nights after those particularly tough and disturbing
cases, he'd gone home quietly, intent on going to bed drunk, to brood
appropriately, but his plans had been derailed everytime, by a
concerned Alex knocking on his door with a bag of fast food, because
she knew that a depressed Bobby was a starving Bobby. She knew so
many things about him. Things he didn't even know about himself. She
knew all about his mother; he'd told her every particularly haunting
memory of his childhood, and all the fears that sometimes still
caught up with him. She'd listened, everytime, without saying a word,
snuggling up next to him and kissing his forehead. Maybe she hadn't
always understood, but she gave him something better. She cared. No
one had ever cared before.
I've no guarantees I'll recognize my disease Before my time has gone
He needed her. He knew that. He'd never felt for anyone even
half of what he felt for her, and he couldn't imagine feeling it for
someone else.
He wasn't one hundred percent positive what he was doing, picking up
the phone and dialing her number, until it was ringing in his ear,
and his heart was racing because he had no clue what to say. But it
didn't matter. Five rings and no answer. If she planned on answering,
she would have. But he knew she was there, because her answering
machine didn't pick up. She must have checked the caller i.d., seen
it was him, and chosen to ignore it. Huffing, he slammed the receiver
down and climbed out of bed. He was going over there.
He knew he probably shouldn't, but he'd seen too many relationships
fall apart simply because he wasn't man enough to say what he really
felt. Not this time, he decided, because Alex was so much more to him
than all the others. He needed her.
I don't need to see these visions to remind me That I'm dying from the inside out Wanting you here It still means I must do without
It took Bobby twenty minutes to walk the seven blocks from
his apartment to hers, and the whole time his head was spinning. He
could still feel the evening's scotch in his blood, burning, and
driving him on. Before he realized where he was, he was outside her
apartment, pounding with the side of his fist. No way she could sleep
through that. He was right. After two minutes he heard a click, and
the door opened just enough for her to peer out at him.
"What are you doing here"
He put his foot against the door, so she couldn't close it on him.
Then he looked into her eyes, his own eyes pleading to just be heard.
"I have to talk to you"
She sighed. "I can't Bobby. I just can't. Please...go home."
I can't criticize your reasons for living When you're the one missing them Wanting, dreaming That I may find where they come from
"No." He pushed the door gently, only to show that he had no
intention of leaving until he'd said what he'd come to say. She
believed him. She sighed, and looked at the ground, then stepped
aside and let him in.
She had only just turned around when he pushed her against the door
and kissed her, hard and needy, cupping her face in his huge hands.
When he pulled back, he saw tears in her eyes.
"Don't..." he started, but stopped, for fear that he might cry
himself. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, pressing his
forehead against hers. Alex took a shaky breath, and reached up to
stroke his cheek.
"Don't what"
When he opened his eyes she was looking up at him, her brown eyes
were filled with something new, something that wasn't hurt, and it
wasn't anger. It was hope.
"Don't leave me." A single tear streaked his cheek. "I'll tell
everyone. We'll get new partners. I'll do whatever you ask. But don't
ask me to leave. Please?" He sniffled, fighting back the tears that
had been building since he stepped through the door. "I need you. I
love you."
I dream you
Alex said nothing, but wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, then she brushed the tears from his cheeks and buried her face in the crook of his neck.
And I want to
"I'm not going anywhere." She felt his arms tighten around her, and he leaned into her, pressing her back against the door. She looked up and he kissed her, deeply, never loosening his hold on her.
Be near you
"Stay here?" she whispered, and he simply nodded, feeling
that he didn't deserve her, but very thankful he had her.
They made their way down the hallway and once in the bedroom, he
kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed next to her, wrapping one
arm around her waist and holding her close to him.
"Bobby?" She turned to face him, her eyes shining through the
darkness of the room.
"Hmm"
She stroked his cheek, gently. "I love you, too."
END