Harry Pothead
Summary: In which Dumbledore has a crush on Voldemort, Filch is a rapist, Voldemort is the Hogwarts guidance counsellor, Hermione is a slut, Harry smokes weed and Voldemort wants Harry Potter. Badly. Oh, and Voldemort has a nose ring. Obvious parody. Written several years ago with a friend. Enjoy!
A Brief Introduction to the Totally Unrealistic What-ifs and Could-have-beens world of HP Y'all
It all started when Lord Voldemort, formerly handsome, smart and loveable boy walked into Albus Dumbledore's office, the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Dumbledore's heart leapt and he jumped out of his golden throne. This man had long purple hair and a toothbrush orange moustache. He was tall and muscular and wore a pinstriped cloak and green trousers with one leg tucked into a long striped sock. The thing that turned Dumbledore on the most was the white beanie covered in Disney badges.
"Umm, hello you ridiculously handsome young man," he stuttered. Voldemort, aka Stewart Bartholomew Houndiggitydog pretended to flush.
"Thank you, kind sir."
"Can I help you?" Dumbledore quickly cleaned the clutter off his desk, straightened his wizard's hat and put down the framed photograph he had of Voldemort and himself (he had photoshopped himself in) facedown.
"I was wondering if I could apply for the guidance counsellor. I heard tell that the previous one was murdered here by a Hufflepuff student called Clive Owens."
"The rumours are true, I'm afraid. The boy has been sent to Azkaban. I tried to stop it; there are too many girls at this school." He shuddered. Voldemort secretly agreed and fingered his Swiss Army Pocket Knife, wondering who would be the first girl he 'tested' it out on.
"So? Could I apply?"
"Y-E-S!" Dumbledore screamed. "A thousand times yes! Begin straight away!"
He watched as the ridiculously handsome young man sauntered out of the room, his cloak swishing behind him.