When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
The toughest day until now, all melodrama aside, was the day I changed from a Performing Arts Major to a Physics Major.
Even that decision was so intricately tied with the enigma known as Finn Hudson.
An enigma in that sometimes he could be so humble, wise and honorable and the next second he could be an idiot, jackass, and narcissistic. It wouldn't matter if it was a serious situation or not, with Finn you never knew what you would get. That reason more than anything is why we would never work.
I will never be able to forget that conversation we had before he boarded the bus for basic training...
-=-= Flashback =-=-
"Finn, come to school with me, don't go. Don't leave me. Please! You aren't cut out for the army. You are to kind and loving and gentle and do they even make uniforms in your size? Come on, get in the car and we can go home. And what about your family? Your Mom-"
"Would understand. You just don't understand Rachel. I am not doing this for some stupid reason. I thought this through. I am not doing this out of some misguided notion of honor, glory, or pride. I am not doing this because it is the only alternative to school. I am doing this because not only is it needed, but to finally find closure with my dad. To get closer to his memory, walk his shoes, try to understand him. I am doing this because it is my duty-"
"And you don't consider that a misguided notion Finn? Don't think that there is no one else out there that can enlist. You have so much talent elsewhere, not just in singing! You don't need to do this. You don't know if your dad would want you to do this. Even if he did, you are not your dad! You are Finn! You can do anything, you just need to believe! Don't throw your life away like this."
"You think I am throwing my life away? Of course you do, can't forget you are a liberal. Soldiers are needed for you to be that way, never forget that. I am not doing this because I think he would want me to, I am joining because this is what I want. Don't stop believing? It makes a good song, but terrible advice! Tell that to Artie, maybe one day he can walk. Or do you not remember the fact that he had a breakdown in senior year? Some things are an impossibility, and even if they aren't you can't just put all your eggs in one basket with such remote possibilities! You have to stop believing, if even for only a few minutes each day. You need to consider and prepare for the eventualities of the Dream never becoming Reality. If you just consider to wonder aimlessly forward towards your dream at the cost of everything else you will be the one to throw your life away. It is time to grow up! Kurt told me something once that I have only recently made sense of. I think you should hear it to. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." You know it is funny when one of his most profound quotes is religious based when he is an atheist."
"Finn..."
"Rachel, at least think on it. I have already. I have made my decision, I think you need to too. I also think it is for the best for us to take a break and see what happens when I get out. Go, Live your life, and I'll live mine."
Finn turned away from me then. He put his duffel bag under the bus, turned to look at me and give his typical sad-puppy dog smile.
"Finn, wait!"
But he didn't. His smile turned from true to his fake-happy smile he would give to try to make you feel better. He turned away from me and walked on to that bus. I don't think he knew I saw his eyes start to tear up before he turned.
Maybe it is better that way.
Maybe it isn't.
Either way he would be gone, and I knew I would miss him desperately until we would next meet.
-=-= Flashback End=-=-
I did miss him. As time passed and I missed him more and more the words he left me with grew from a seed to a sapling.
The day I changed my major was the same day we won Nationals with, of course, Don't Stop Believing.
I guess you could say it was the day I did stop believing...
The day you could say the music died.
And so I stand dressed in a black surrounded by others dressed in black, with tears in my eyes.
And I sing, oh do I sing, looking at that cold black box adorned with Red White and Blue... Bye Bye Miss American Pie...
Wanted to write this for a while now. Very happy how it turned out. Any comments/suggestions/criticism welcomed.
If it were to evolve it would become much happier, but in doing so would dilute the pungency of this ending. It would be very... Fluff-like but serious at the same time.