Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Bleach.
Slight explanation: While watching the Bound arc, my friend suggested that Byakuya was always thinking about pie. It lead to a crazy 'secret snack list' (i.e., the 'secret snack' that each character longs to have) and lots of other mad things. So you have to pretend Byakuya is pie-obsessed. Yes, it's slight crack-the whole story is-you have been warned. (I saw someone else who once mentioned something about this, which means it has to be true. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.) Anyway, enough rambling, enjoy the story!
Adventures in Pie-Making
Renji smirked as he laid down a pair of aces, only to look up and see Ikkaku smirking back; Ikkaku laid down two pairs. "Damn I thought I had it," Renji said. "I had a really good idea, too."
"It didn't involve Yachiru and sprinkles did it?" Ikkaku asked cautiously.
"No, but thanks for the idea," Renji replied.
Ikkaku sighed but said, "Well, I don't have to worry about that just yet, since I won." It was a cool Friday afternoon in early spring in Soul Society and it was around midday. Every Friday at lunch, Ikkaku and Renji would play cards. Whoever won the most rounds got to dare the other person to do something, usually something mischievous or challenging. Most recently Renji had dared Ikkaku to try to steal the 8th division Captain's hat. "Follow me," Ikkaku said as they exited the 11th division mess hall and walked towards the exit of the division's compound.
After some time Renji realized that Ikkaku was leading him back to his own division. Indeed when they turned another corner and appeared in front of it, Renji said, "Why are we going to my division?"
"You'll see," Ikkaku said with a slight smirk. They did not go far into the 6th division compound when they entered a large garden filled with sakura trees, which were in full bloom given that it was spring. "You have to climb one of these trees," Ikkaku said simply.
Renji stared at him and said, "Che. Climb a tree, that's it? Not a problem at all." He walked over to the nearest tree and began climbing. Climbing trees had never been difficult for Renji and soon he was at least halfway up the tree. "See? Told you it'd be easy. Is this far enough?" Ikkaku didn't reply right away so Renji turned down to look at him. Standing in front of Ikkaku was Byakuya, Captain of Renji's division. Renji gaped for a moment then hesitantly said, "Er…hey, Taicho…I…er…" Byakuya continued to stare blankly up at Renji who suddenly fell quiet. Although Byakuya hadn't said a word, Renji immediately began climbing down.
Byakuya turned to Ikkaku and said, "You should return to your own division." Ikkaku simply nodded and walked away. When Renji had gotten down out of the tree, he looked at Byakuya who merely turned and began walking inside. Renji knew that he was meant to follow him. They walked through the corridor and entered the administrative office of the division. Byakuya went and sat down at his desk. Renji knew better than to say anything or make a move, so he remained standing in front of Byakuya's desk. There was silence for a moment and then Byakuya said, "What were you doing?"
Well, I was climbing the freaking tree, duh, Renji thought but instead said, "Well, Taicho, Ikkaku dared me to climb it. We play cards at lunch on Fridays and whoever wins gets to dare the other person to do something." It sounded weird as he explained it, but he and Ikkaku had always had a good time with it.
Byakuya stared at him with expressionless eyes for a moment before saying, "Climbing trees is not befitting of a Vice-Captain of the Gotei 13, nor is any sort of childish dare."
The comments annoyed Renji, but he had listened to worse, so he merely said, "Right, Taicho," and waited for Byakuya to continue.
"As punishment for your transactions, I want you to supervise tomorrow morning's squad training." Saturday morning's squad training began at 0630 and was usually overseen by the third-seat officer. Therefore, Renji usually went out Friday night and slept in on Saturday morning, since it was his only morning off. "I also want you to make me a pie." Byakuya added.
"A what?" Renji roared.
"Pie, Renji," was all Byakuya said. Renji was staring at him with a completely incredulous look. If he hadn't known Byakuya to have no sense of humor, he would have thought it was a joke. Renji had no idea how to make a pie; in fact he barely knew what pie was, only having gathered a vague notion from his time in the living world.
"OK, Taicho. Er…when do you want this pie?"
"At lunch on Sunday," Byakuya replied. Renji breathed a slight sigh of relief; at least he had two days. That night after Renji left the office he went straight to his room where he had a book listing all the things he found interesting in the living world. He had only one recipe; it was for a dessert called Boston cream pie. It had been his favorite dish in the living world and had taken a good deal of effort to worm the recipe out of Urahara. It's called a pie, maybe Taicho means this, Renji thought and was resigned to make it tomorrow after squad training. He left to find the third-seat officer to inform her that she didn't have to oversee tomorrow's early morning training and then he went to bed. Later the next day he walked into the kitchen with the recipe in hand and began to make the Boston cream pie.
He was halfway through when another member of the division, Rikichi, entered and said, "Abarai-fukutaicho, er…what are you doing?"
Renji looked up and said, "Hey, Rikichi, Taicho ordered me to make him a pie."
"Seriously?" The young shinigami asked.
Renji nodded. "Yeah, it's a bit weird but I've got no choice." Soon enough the pie was finished. Renji put it in the refrigerator with a label that said 'DO NOT EAT, unless you want to feel the combined wrath of your Captain and Vice-Captain.' Feeling satisfied Renji left the kitchen.
The next day at lunch Renji placed the Boston cream pie on Byakuya's desk at lunch. Byakuya glared at it, then up at Renji. "What's this?" Byakuya asked.
"It's the pie you ordered me to make, Taicho," Renji answered.
Byakuya continued to glare for a moment then said "This is not a pie."
"But, Taicho, it's called a Boston cream pie," Renji responded, a bit startled.
"Well, they should change the name. This is not pie." Renji continued to stare disbelievingly at his Captain, uncertain as to what to do. At length Byakuya spoke again. "Renji, I want you to make me another pie. A real pie this time." Renji was about to interrupt and inquire as to what a real pie was, but Byakuya kept speaking. "If it is not correct this time, you will be overseeing Saturday morning trainings for the next two months and you will have Wednesday night patrol for the next two months as well." Renji looked aghast. However Byakuya wasn't finished. "Furthermore, you will have to eat seaweed crackers with me."
"WHAT?" Renji roared in disbelief. "No way, Taicho, those things are disgusting."
"Seaweed crackers are a noble snack. They are in no way disgusting."
"Come on, Taicho, seaweed crackers….that's just….seriously…what the…" Renji said cautiously. He could understand extra patrolling duties but to have to eat seaweed crackers, in front of Byakuya no less, was just way out of line in his opinion.
"That should entice you to do it right this time," Byakuya replied simply. "Have it for me by Tuesday, Renji. And cherry would be best."
Renji gave his Captain an are-you-completely-out-of-your-mind look and reluctantly said, "OK, Taichou." After finishing his paperwork, Renji set off immediately for the 13th division compound. Once there he told the first person he saw to go find Rukia.
Renji waited impatiently for about twenty minutes before the shinigami returned. "I'm very sorry, Abarai-fukutaicho, Rukia is not here right now. She went to the living world on a mission. She should be back in a few hours, I would think."
Renji sighed a bit and said, "Can you tell her to find me when she returns. As soon as possible, too, it's kind of important."
"Certainly," the 13th division shinigami replied. Instead of returning to his division, Renji went straight for the 11th division. Ikkaku had been in the living world as well, so Renji hoped he could be of help.
The guards outside the 11th division didn't stop Renji-they never did-but simply greeted him casually. "Hey guys, you know if Ikkaku is around?"
"He's off on a mission," one of them replied.
Renji cursed. Is everyone on a freaking mission today? He thought. "What about Yumichika?" Renji inquired.
"He's in his office." Renji thanked them and hurried to the fifth-seat's office. He knocked on the door and was told to enter.
"Yumichika-san, I gotta ask you something," Renji said upon entering.
"What is it, Renji? Anything is worth distracting me from this unsightly paperwork on a beautiful day like today."
Renji was tempted to roll his eyes at Yumichika's comments but managed not to. "When you were in the living world, did you ever have pie?" Renji inquired.
"Pie?" Yumichika echoed, frowning slightly. He was quiet for a moment and at length said, "I think so, yes. I remember Orihime-chan making it for us one evening. It was quiet delicious but a bit sweet if you ask me. Why did you want to know about it?"
"Kuchiki-taichou ordered me to make him a pie. Ikkaku dared me to climb a sakura tree on Friday and Kuchiki-taichou got all upset and told me to make a pie. I actually made one already, but apparently Boston cream pie is not actually pie. Does that make any sense?"
"How ungraceful of them," Yumichika replied.
"Anyway," Renji continued, "Do you by chance know how to make pies?"
"I did get the recipe from Orihime-chan, yes. Wait a moment and I'll find it."
"Thanks so much, Yumichika-san." Ten minutes later Renji was exiting the 11th division compound with a pie recipe in hand. He returned straight away to the 6th division's kitchen and began searching for ingredients. Twice he sent random members of his division who happened to be passing by on searches for ingredients that the kitchen supply lacked.
Finally, four hours later the pie was in the oven. It had just finished when Rukia entered the kitchen. "Renji, what the hell are you doing? I didn't think you could bake."
"I can't really. I hope this turns out OK. Your crazy brother ordered me to make him a pie."
"He what?" Rukia asked.
"Yeah, make him a pie. I was climbing the sakura trees in the garden on Friday, long story, don't ask, and he noticed me doing so. So he said I had to make him a pie or I'd have to eat seaweed crackers. I made a Boston cream pie first but apparently that doesn't count as a pie."
Rukia rolled her eyes. "Of course that isn't a pie. It's more like cake than anything."
"What?" Renji yelled. "Then why the hell is it called a pie?"
Rukia shrugged and said, "Anyway, seaweed crackers aren't that bad, you know."
Renji glared at her and mumbled, "Traitor."
"I heard that," she fired back.
"Anyway, Rukia, does this look like a pie? A real pie, something Taichou will think is a pie."
Rukia examined it and said, "It should. Looks like all the pies I've seen."
"OK, good. It's been a real pain." Rukia rolled her eyes and they left the kitchen. The following day Renji brought the pie to Byakuya. "Here ya go, Taichou. Why'd you want a pie anyway?" Now that it was all said and done, Renji was feeling less tense and back to his usual joking self.
Byakuya said to him, "Noble reasoning dictates that I eat pie." Renji stared at him completely nonplussed. Byakuya continued in this vein, explaining how 'noble reasoning' was their division's motto and everything that it meant.
Ten minutes later, Renji vaguely heard Byakuya finished speaking and replied in a dull voice with, "OK, Taichou, if you say so. Anyway, try the pie already."
Byakuya tried the pie and said, "This will suffice." Renji was used to lack of emotion in his Captain and had not expected a thank you either, so he went back to his desk to finish his paperwork without feeling odd. When he had finally finished he left the 6th division and set off to find Ikkaku, who was within the 11th division headquarters this time.
He sat down next to him in the mess hall and immediately began a full tirade about the pies. Ikkaku smirked a bit and Renji spoke. "So then I had to make him another one, it was a nightmare. You're evil you know."
Ikkaku grinned and said, "What, making me steal flower petal guy's hat wasn't evil?"
"No, he thought the wind had taken it while he slept. And anyway, he's nice, he's doesn't have a stick up his ass," Renji said.
"Oh well, you gotta outta there all right," Ikkaku replied.
"Barely, if I had to eat seaweed crackers I was going to kill you."
"Che. Like you could," Ikkaku said.
"Let's find out." Renji fired back.
"Nah, I just ate. Maybe later," Ikkaku said.
"You're on. So what do you think 'noble reasoning' is?" Renji asked. "Taichou was lecturing me about it for about ten minutes, but I kind of stopped paying attention after the first sentence."
"Good, you haven't completely lost your 11th division streak."
Renji grinned and said, "Of course I freaking haven't."
"Anyway, I don't really know on the whole 'noble reasoning' thing, but Taichou says it means you transferred to a pansy division," Ikkaku told him with a grin.
"Yeah, well, Zaraki-taichou thinks they are all pansies," Renji said, although he wondered if it had all been worth it.