In the spirit of Gintama starting again! OMG OMG OMG – my life is complete again! I have another one-shot coming soon so stay tuned!

Something Borrowed

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something bruised-

Wait. That wasn't right.

"OI! KAGURA-CHAN, what are you doing- OI!"

As the blushing, or terribly sunburned as Gintoki would point out, bride to be stared at the open magazine with such concentration, you'd think she could bore holes into it, she hadn't taken notice of the damage being done next to her. Shinpachi's wifely droning, no matter how loud or panicked, did little to distract her until the head of Yorozuya spoke.

"Oi, you're not supposed to punch the wedding planner, Kagura-chan," Gintoki said calmly as he took a swig of his strawberry milk.

By the time the Yato clansmen tore her gaze away from David's Bridal a second brief enough to note the bloodied man wilting on the couch, she mumbled, "Oh. Sorry. Pre-wedding jitters- Ooh! Can I have this dress with boots? I don't want shoes. I hate shoes."

There was no answer from the wedding planner.

Shinpachi deadpanned, "He's unconscious, Kagura-chan. I hope your- ahem, he has enough money to blackmail and avoid your assault charges."

Shinpachi coughed before he could label the man he was referring to. Gin-san had the same habit. They were still waking up every morning and thinking the incident at the airport was one big joke, one of the Sadist's most devious plans to successfully break his rival, and though cruel and would probably result in Kagura destroying the entire world due to a broken heart, at least the concept of him being such an ass was a feasible one.

Marriage, however? Yeah. It was still- difficult to believe, or understand for that matter. Not to mention, frightening to think about. If the Shogunate feared the Amanto, he definitely hadn't met these two yet.

Their little Kagura-chan and the Prince of Sadists, Okita Sougo, joined in matrimony.

What began as the Shinsengumi's Captain's resolve to keep Kagura from leaving the planet and expressing words that, like all men, were never easily spoken, had now turned into this mess.

The certificate was legit. But surprisingly, like all girls, Kagura wanted a ceremony. Oh hell, who were they kidding? She just wanted a party to eat all the food.

Kagura probably spent more time deciding on the catering they should hire rather than the actual dress, a dress that she was convinced could be properly worn with her battle boots. And if her time spent browsing through Edo for worthy restaurants for her reception weren't obvious enough, Kagura mumbled in her sleep over and over, something about skyscrapers of fudge-dripping chocolate, buttery vanilla, and foamy frosting.

When the girl got up and finally put down her magazine, she stepped over the quivering body that would most likely be her fifth wedding planner in a row raising the white flag. Ah, good. So he was alive, at least.

Shinpachi was about to do the poor man a favor and show him his escape route out their window before the bride from hell realized, when the sugar addict stopped her in her tracks.

"Where you going now?"

"Says I need something old so I'm getting something old."

"Wait- where?"

"OI, you old hag! I need youuuuu!"

Shit. There goes an extra hundred on his rent this month. Catherine charged for insults.

Gintoki was about to force himself out the door just to prevent Kagura from starting a hissy fight with the women downstairs when the ground shook and rattled their bodies off balance.

"Wha- what the hell was that?" Shinpachi squeaked, "Did something explode somewhere?"

With Kagura barely down their steps, it wasn't her, so there could only be one other explanation. Someone else was raising a ruckus, as if there weren't enough already with this Vegas style shotgun wedding coming up. Who the hell plans a wedding in a week anyway? Apparently the girl who just wants to eat and the guy who wants to get the formalities over with already.

When there was another tremor and this one had even knocked Kagura down the steps with a couple of painful thuds, Gintoki got that sick feeling in his gut. As if his gut was psychic, he heard Kagura yell, "Gin-chan, it's Papi! He's beating my groom's ass!"

And they were up and running in seconds. Kagura on her loyal and trusty steed, Sadaharu, and Shinpachi behind Gintoki on their scooter.

"Not that it's not already obvious, but what's up your father's ass this time?"

Kagura-chan raced ahead on her dog, cocking her umbrella gun and aiming for her father's toupee. The two men were in position on the roof of a popular take out joint and just when the silver haired samurai thought she'd yell something dramatic to fit the circumstances, you know, something like, "Please stop Papi, I love him!" or "I'm not a little girl Papi, I'm going to get married whether you like it or not," the girl screeched something that was the polar opposite.

"Get the hell away from that restaurant or I'm gonna beat and tea bag the both of you! They're number one on my catering list!"

The Shinsengumi Third Captain appeared spent, but determined. His uniform tattered, blood cascading down the right side of his face, rusting his otherwise unblemished flaxen hair, and his eyes aglow with fortitude. Her father, Umibouzu, emerged with the same fire in his eyes and armed with his weapon, he prepared to take stance and charge again at the human man who threatened to claim his only daughter from him.

"STOP!"

Kagura's umbrella ceased the crossing of their weapons with sparks.

"Gin-san, should we-"

"Stay here, Pachi," Gintoki ordered, rising from his scooter to see how this would play out. As much as he hated to admit it, Kagura was a big girl now. She didn't always need them to butt in, especially not in this.

"I swear," Kagura cursed, "If they cancel my catering for this weekend, I'm going to castrate you! Do you have any idea how good their omelet rice is?"

"Move, China," her husband said solidly.

"This is a fight between men," her father agreed.

"But Papi-"

"I've come to test him, Kagura-chan. If he's dead within the next five minutes, the wedding is cancelled."

"What? You can't-"

"I'm disappointed in you."

The girl took a step back, shock widening her eyes as she waited for her father's words to take their full weight on her heart. When she felt it drop to her stomach, she whispered, "What do you mean?"

"I would have thought you'd stay with these two idiots," he gestured at Gintoki and Shinpachi watching below, "While I was gone and instead, you go off and not only miss your flight with me back home, but I find you legally married to this poor excuse for a human male – someone I barely even know."

"Oh, come on, Papi, I'm always whining about him in the letters I write you. You know, 'The Sadist stole my sukonbu today and made me chase him to the other side of Edo before he threw it into the sewer system' or 'The Sadist chucked one of my boots in the river and the fast currents swallowed it up.' Or that time when I said 'The Sadist broke my wrist, but he put it back and let me break his leg in exchange-"

"Actually, you broke your own wrist and then I tried to fix it, but you took your pain out on me and broke my leg-" Okita interrupted before Kagura swatted him away.

"Whatever. Details, details. Not important."

"None of this is impressing me, Kagura," her father said sternly. "It sounds like you don't know what love is just yet-"

That was when the girl stomped into the roof hard enough to send a wind blowing through Gintoki's hair. Shinpachi held tightly to his glasses. Fists balled and her voice a notch deeper than any of them were used to, she spoke, not as their sweet, more often than not, troublesome Kagura-chan, but a woman who knew what she wanted.

"This is coming from the man who left us? YOU LEFT me and mom! LEFT! While she was sick and when she was gone, you weren't there! And I don't know anything?"

Her laughter was sadistic enough to rival her husband's, and it appeared Okita Sougo acknowledged it as well because when she laughed, his fierce expression turned to surprise.

"I know this bastard probably isn't what you expected."

"Gee, thanks, China."

Kagura ignored him and continued. "We fight all the time and more than once, I have to get my weapon repaired between our spats. I lose boots, sukonbu, hairpieces, and maybe even gain a couple of scuffmarks that are gone by the next day.

But I also like the way the cuffs on his jacket droop over my fingers, and the spicy omelets he makes me in the mornings. He knows that I don't like them that spicy and Gorilla-san always tells me that I'm the only one he'd bother cooking for unless he's brewing poison for Mayora-san.

I also like the way he fills my arms after a fight when we're both so tired and excited because bruises or not, he keeps my senses sharp and my blood boiling. I also like how he doesn't ask me about Nii-san and I don't ask him about his sister, and when I feel like saying something, he'll just shut up and listen before poking my forehead and starting another fight. I like his shampoo so much that I steal half of it when I'm over to take home with me and I know he allows it. I like how he breathes me in when his face is in my neck and the way his voice changes when we first wake up.

Besides, the spooning and forking isn't so bad either-"

"WHAT? FORKING? I'll kill you!"

"Bring it, old man."

The two men were about to return to aggressive position when the girl stood unmoved between them and finished up.

Gintoki and Shinpachi seemed to hit a eureka simultaneously and with fists to their palms, they hummed, "Ah, so that's where she vanishes off to at night." And then, "Ewwh. TMI. Definitely TMI."

"There's a lot more, but, god, all this girly crap coming out of my mouth is like blasphemy, it's making my mouth dry. I guess what I'm trying to say is something that he once said for me a long time ago.

The only person that can beat his ass is me. You understand, Papi?"

There was a stretch of silence between them. For a moment, she thought her father was looking through her just so that he could meet eyes with the man on the other side. Finally, he looked over to Gintoki.

"You! This is your fault! I'll deal with you later."

"What? Me? Oi! Sex education for her wasn't my department, that's Otae-san's."

And then he pointed his gun at Okita Sougo.

"And you! Next time you send an invitation, at least give me enough time to book a flight. Do you have any idea the kind of trouble I went through just to get here on time, asshole?"

"Oh? Was it too soon? My bad."

Sougo shrugged, his intent to hopefully lose the invitation to her father in the mail apparent. Both Kagura and her father gave him the fish eyes before they matched gazes.

"So, does that mean you're coming, Papi?"

When only his sour expression was left as an answer, she ran forward to squeeze him.

"Wait, watch my hair!"

"Oh, Papi! It's going to be great! There's gonna be so much food and cake!"

"Speaking of food, don't you think you should all get down from there?"

Kagura realized her foot was through the roof and screamed, "Shit! My catering!"

"I wanna take this crap off now."

Kagura was clad in a formal shiromuku, her hair up and her make-up threatening to turn to grease at this rate.

"Oh, come on, Kagura-chan. You only get to wear this once. Now here."

Otae-san snapped on her ears, the final piece to her outfit.

"Something old," she said, "I thought my mother's earrings would look nice with this dress. I never really get to wear 'em so, you know."

"Thanks, Ane-go! I'll make sure not to lose them and return them after."

"Something blue," Shinpachi followed, sticking a small blue hairpin into Kagura's hair.

"And something new," Gintoki finished, stepping forward and presenting his little sister with a small necklace.

"Gin-chan, what- what is this?"

"It's a locket, Kagura. Keep the Yorozuya with you."

Inside, there was a picture of them all, the Yorozuya crew, Sadaharu and Otose's snack bar. Feeling teary eyed, she punched him in the shoulder a little too hard.

"OWW!"

"I'm not leaving, Gin-chan. I'll still sleep in the closet every now and then. Besides, it's the only job I have."

"As if you do any work," he chuckled playfully.

Just when the bride was lost for words, she piped up, "Wait. Something old, something new, something blue- there's something missing."

"Something borrowed," the voice came from behind, "You're not allowed to turn around. It's bad luck."

Sougo's back was against hers, and as she watched everyone else creep out of the room to give them space, she could feel his large fingers fumbling with hers.

"Take this. Lose it and I'll kill you. They'll never find the body, believe me."

In her hand was a charm from Mitsuba, his sister. He kept it in the pocket of his uniform always.

"What- I can't-"

"Shut up and take it. The ceremony's gonna start. We don't have all day."

"Is this your idea of romantic, you bastard? Get out of my face already. Bad luck, remember?"

He was gone and when she looked back into her palm, she smiled.

"T- Toushi! Our little Sougo is growing up," Kondo said with boogers in his nose and tears blurring his vision. "I can't believe he's getting hitched before I marry Otae-san.

Speaking of Otae-san, OTAE-SAN, you look lovely in that dress! Will you marry me after this wedding?"

"Please shut up and die, Gorilla-san, you're ruining the atmosphere," was her response.

The music started, Sougo was trying to slingshot rocks at Hijikata up on the altar with him and Kondo before he became distracted.

Kagura emerged with her father on arm. Sougo hadn't realized he was sucked into a shocked stupor due to awe at how beautiful she was until his Captain guffawed and slapped a heavy hand on his shoulder.

The walk to her husband felt increasingly slow, Kagura thought and the redder her face became and the more uncomfortable the dress, the woman made it halfway down the aisle before yanking her dress up to rush the rest of the way, dragging her father behind.

"DAMN IT, KAGURA-CHAN, what did I say about those boots?" her father wailed and the audience shared a knowing look. When she arrived in front of her husband, she huffed, "Taking too damn long. There's food that needs to be eaten."

When she looked up at the Third Captain in his black montsuki, she felt the wind knocked from her chest. Blushing furiously, she squeaked, "I-it's not like I was in a hurry to marry you or anything, idiot."

"Shut up. Let's get this over with," he flicked her forehead, "I'm hungry, too."

Umibouzu matched gazes with the Shinsengumi Captain, and with a firm nod, he said, "Good luck, boy. You have to feed her now."

There was a victorious and simultaneous woot from both the Yorozuya and Snack bar gang. Either Sougo was rich, or he had no idea the kind of debt he'd get into feeding his new wife who attacked food like a school of piranhas charging at fresh meat.

"Hey!" Kagura pouted before she was patted on the head as her father stepped down from the altar.

The couple pretty much ignored half of the priest's or monk's or whatever he was, his reading or ranting or chanting, and halfway through, in unison the couple yelled, "All right, all right, hurry it up. I'm falling asleep here."

Gintoki coughed, "Thank God," somewhere in the back.

And when they had finally reached the good part, the crowd stared in silence to see these two deadly forces kiss and confirm what would now be the beginning of Edo's apocalypse.

"Oi! What the hell-"

Just then, the floor gave out beneath Hijikata, shooting his feet at least a foot into the ground.

A second later, a bench tipped over toward the middle, sending guests toppling over one another and just as planned, chaos ensued.

"OI! Who's gonna pay for these shoes?" Catharine scolded and a collection of bickering followed. In seconds, their guests were pulling hair, chucking bodies, and Otae-san in particular, kicking Kondo in the balls for supposedly touching something inappropriate when he attempted to help her stand after the tipped bench.

"Hey, you cheap skate, I thought you had enough money to make sure this kind of stuff didn't happen today?" Kagura whined up at Sougo before realizing that the smirk on his face revealed that he had rigged it all.

"Come here before they're not distracted anymore-"

"Huh?"

The man pulled her into his embrace and kissed his bride. He could feel her tears wet his fingers as he pinched her chin. It was warm. It was sincere. And it was a moment shared between them that despite the pandemonium they were surrounded by, they were uninterrupted.

The things that men would do because they're embarrassed…

Amongst the brawling, in the back of the chapel Umibouzu observed. Judging by the scene that the Shinsengumi Captain hoped to distract people from, as the father watched his daughter kiss this man, he became increasingly comfortable with the fact that his daughter was in good hands. A knowing nod from Gintoki further confirmed it.

Kagura giggled between their lips and broke away from her husband, "That food better make up for this, bastard."

"We've got a two five tier cakes, you pig. One is just for you."

"Good. You're off the hook."

And thus, as word spread of these two joined in holy matrimony, the couple that tore park benches from concrete and threw pesky children into the river, Edo prepared for a recession…

~Fin~

A/N: And yes, I realize that I mixed Japanese and Western traditions. Just pretend for me, okay?