You find an old box full of tapes. Curious, you put the first one to play.
A calm desertic scenery appears on the screen. You imagine it looks very orange, with the sand and the sun that is either rising or setting, but the tape is black and white.
They thought they were alone…, appears written in big letters.
But they're not!
Gustav Sebald's Ghosts in the Desert
They could be anywhere!
A beautiful suburban house with a garden full of flowers occupies the screen. A lady dressed as stereotypical housewife exits by the front door, holding a pot with flowers.
"This family is about to have their lives changed forever." Says a narrating voice, accompanied by subtitles in the same language.
The scene zooms in to a plant pot that is beside a garden gnome.
"When they arrive-"
A hand, too small to be human, emerges from the ground.
"-there will be nowhere to escape!"
The housewife drops the pot she was holding and screams. The scene zooms in to her face.
Then it changes to a farther view of the street. It's dark, and you can see the silhouettes of small creatures running.
Goblins in the Garden
Starring Sally Sebald
Directed by Gustav Sebald
Aerial views of the rainforest.
"It was supposed to be a routine expedition." The narrator says.
Two men dressed as explorers stand in the middle of a very fake looking jungle scenery.
"Do you think we can find the treasure, doctor?" Says the one who looks the youngest.
The other one, who has an interesting mustache, answers with a surprisingly warm voice. "You are already my biggest treasure, Joseph."
"But this is about to change…" The narrator continues.
The same jungle scenery, but now it's darker. A tent is in the middle of it.
Now you see the inside of the tent. Joseph and the man with the interesting mustache are sleeping. It zooms on the zipper door. It slowly opens, and a hand covered in old bandages slides in.
"… when they find…"
Two male voices scream. The title appears over another aerial picture of the rainforest.
"Mummies in the Jungle." The narrator says.
Before you can read any cast information, the image changes back to the outside of the tent, except now there is one of the men's hats thrown on the ground.
Five people dressed in clothes that make them appear much younger are near a car. A particularly good looking man is holding a map.
"This will be the best summer ever."
"This area is not marked as a camping area. Are you sure we can stay there?" A lady dressed in rather revealing clothes asks.
"Why couldn't we?"
The scene changes to a man with a long beard.
"Don't go near the caves." He says, slowly.
The scene changes again.
"He told us not to come." A skinny man with glasses says.
"He is just a crazy old man." The handsome man replies.
A female voice screams.
"This will be a summer like no other." The narrator says, slowly, as the screen shows different scenes of the five people running.
"The Mortmain Mountains have always been home to exotic species." A lady tells the lady dressed in revealing clothes.
"They are hungry." The man with glasses says, pointing a flashlight to his face. "Very hungry."
"I will not let these wretched creatures destroy our summer!" The handsome man shouts.
A roar.
"Why did we come here?" The lady asks.
The man with the long beard appears again, dressed as a shepherd. Except, instead of sheep, he is surrounded by lions. They look real, but are extremely calm.
Lions in the Mountains
Written by Gustav Sebald
Directed by Gustav Sebald
Starring famous horror stars
Lions courtesy of Verified Film Distribution
In smaller letters:
No lions were harmed in the production of this movie.
Filmed in the properties of the Winnipeg Royal Family in the Mortmain Mountains.
A sweet old lady speaks. "Back in my day, we watched real theater, not these awful tapes."
An old man speaks. "Back in my day, we ate real food, not this awful popped corn."
A younger lady speaks. "Back in my day, we drank real blood, not this awful grape juice."
The two elders look at her with a shocked face. She gives a sinister smile.
Two nurses talk in a supplies closet.
"I think the community was invaded."
"Invaded?"
The lights turn off. They shout.
"They want our blood!" The sweet old lady says.
"You think we will have a flood?" A different old man from the first replies.
"They're here!" A voice from the background shouts.
"There's beer?" The man asks.
Vampires in the Retirement Community
Even the dead want to rest!
Two sailors sail in a very large lake at night. They raise a fishing net.
"Wait… these are not fish." One of them says.
The scene changes to daytime. Three adults dressed to appear to be older children appear.
"Isn't it nice that our parents let us spend the summer near the sea." One of the ladies says.
"Actually, it's a very large lake." The only man says.
The scene now shows a beach by the shore of the lake, where many people dressed in different kinds of bath suits talk, play, sunbath, and eat.
A man throws an empty ice cream package on the ground and takes off his shirt, revealing a tighter sleeveless shirt underneath. He runs towards the water.
"Wait, Steven! You have to wait one hour before swimming." A woman says, worried.
"That is just a superstition, Chrissie." The man dismisses her, and jumps on the water.
"Steven, no!"
The scene cuts to Chrissie talking to a lifeguard.
"Maybe he is really enjoying the water."
"You don't understand. It has been three days!"
The "children" overhear.
"Something strange is happening here." The lady that didn't speak before says.
It changes to the "children" talking to one of the sailors.
"The local legends say you should not underestimate the spirits of the lake."
The other sailor steps in and speaks. "Stop spreading this nonsense, Sam."
"They ate my leg!" Sam shouts, pointing to his pegleg.
A man riding a bike drops a newspaper on the sand.
Mysterious disappearances terrorize local population!
The beach again, but this time the people are running away from the water, and a strong wind sends towels and trash flying. Something small hits a young man, and he falls to the ground, grunting in pain.
"The spirits!" Sailor Sam shouts.
"These are not spirits." The lady dressed as a child says, terrified.
Leeches in the Lake
By Gustav Sebald
In smaller letters:
The production of this movie was made possible by the assistance of Aquatics Anwhistle. Mr. Sebald and the Verified Film Distribution thank the continuous support of Dr. Anwhistle and his associates.
In an old, dark Victorian house, a lady stands near the window with a melancholic face.
"Ms. Glendon always gets like this when it rains." A maid tells a man.
"What might she be thinking?" The man asks.
The scene changes to the same lady running in a sunny garden.
"Ms. Glendon has been happy once. But ever since the tragedy hit us-", says the maid.
A lightning strikes against a dark sky, accompanied by loud thunder.
"-there has never been another laugh in this house."
Ms. Glendon looks at a big portrait of an older couple surrounded by seven girls. The woman holds a baby boy.
"All my sisters have gotten married." She says to the man. "It's only me left."
"What about your brother?" He asks.
"He died before reaching adult age."
More thunder. The scene changes to Ms. Glendon and the maid lighting some candles.
"My family is cursed, Mr. Talbot." Ms. Glendon says.
"I don't believe in curses." He replies.
More thunder. Ms. Glendon once again stands near the window, looking out with a melancholic face. "Why are you here?"
"Your brother may still be alive." Mr. Talbot says.
Ms. Glendon's shocked expression is lit by more lightning.
"What did you say?"
"He may still be alive, but he is not the same as you remember."
Lightning strikes once more, and a view of the outside show a pair of eyes hiding in the garden.
Werewolves in the Rain
By Sebald
A pair of hands adjusts rubber gloves. Another pair holds a metal box with surgical instruments.
"We are ready for the operation." The voice of a middle-aged man says.
The scene shows the back of doctors walking into a room.
"This is one of the most respected hospital in the country!" A female voice says in a proud tone.
A group of young people in medical coats stand in the reception room.
"You are the best students of your classes. You will have the privilege of doing your residence in here. How do you feel?" The same woman continues. She is cheerful and also wears a medical coat.
"Oh, doctor!" She says to someone off-screen. "Do you want to say a word to our new students?"
It's the middle-aged man who spoke before. He gives a sinister smile.
"Welcome. You all will make great contributions to the medical field!"
The scene changes to two people, a very attractive man and a very attractive woman, walking in a dark hospital corridor.
"He is not a doctor." The man says.
"Who is he?" The woman asks.
"His name is Mattathias."
The scene shows the sinister man ready to start a surgery. The patient is one of the students. He is gagged and tied up to a bed.
"Let's start," Mattathias says, holding a blade.
"He has been banned for the medical community for bad conduct." The attractive man continue. He and the attractive woman have their backs against the wall, trying not to be seen.
The scene changes.
"Did you see Henry?" A student asks another.
The scene changes.
"The doctor said he will give a special reward to who manages to do a secret assignment for him." A male student tells two female students. The three are alone in one of the hospital room.
"What assignment?" One of the female students asks.
The male students just smiles. The scene changes.
"Can we stop him?" The attractive woman asks the attractive man.
"We have to."
A voice comes through the speakers.
"Ladies and gentleman, please visit our surgical theatre to see the world's first craniectomy!"
"We have to, and quick." The attractive man says.
Surgeons in the Theatre
By Sebald
Not for the faint of heart!
In smaller letters:
The medical procedures described in this movie are fictitious. Mr. Sebald and the Verified Film Distribution take no responsibility over unexpected results of trying to recreate such procedures at home, medical schools or hospitals.
This movie was recorded in the Hospital Heimlich. Mr. Sebald and the Verified Film Distribution would like to thank the Caliban family, owners of the Hospital Heimlich, and the directors of the Hospital for kindly allowing the recordings to take place there.
No medical students were harmed in the production of this movie. That we know.
The image was distorted, mimicking an old analogic television.
"A mysterious fog approaches the City, causing panic in the local citizens." Says a newsman. You can read the first name Veronica written in the lower part of the video, but not the surname.
The scene changes to a clear image of a group of zookeepers. The one who seems to be the boss speaks.
"The zoo will be closed due to the arrival of the fog. Make sure all cages are locked before you leave."
A younger zookeeper runs into the scene. "Sir! We have a problem!"
The scene changes to flashes of families closing their windows and curtains.
"Specialists assured us that the fog is not dangerous." Says the newsman.
One of the families hears a loud bang from outside.
"Not dangerous, my ass!" Says the father, an older man.
"It will all be alright." One of the children assure the others as the three wait alone in a room.
"Your father will protect us." Says the mother.
"But… who will protect Daddy?" Asks the younger child.
A dark view of the city covered by fog.
Sebald's
Gorillas in the Fog
Flashes of people in an underground train station. People entering a train, people exiting another train, bags being loaded, tickets being sold.
"The mayor announced the around 3 million people use the underground trains every day." A female voice says.
A modern city…
A group of tourists studies a map of the train lines. A woman explains cheerfully to a group of people:
"Line 13 has the best seats of all the underground train lines. All trains are climatized. And we have cute souvenirs!" She shows a plush toy of a bat with a few anthropomorphized features. It smiles, showing two fangs, and wears a train operator uniform.
The scene changes to a young woman looking at the map printed on a wall.
"Are you lost?" A man asks her in a kind tone.
"I'm not from here." She replies, as the scene cuts to both of them entering a train.
A girl from a small village…
She stares at a picture of the same bat of the plush toy.
"Why is the mascot a bat?"
"These tunnels used to be a part of a cave system." The man explains. The scene shows an outside view of the trains speeding in the tunnels. "The construction workers found thousands of bats here."
"What happened to the bats?" The woman asks.
"They were… moved or something." The man replies.
The scene changes, but the two are still in the train.
"It just seems selfish to move out these beings for our own sake. It was their home." The woman says.
"It's the price of the progress." The man shrugs.
The emergency lights start flashing, and a loud alarm starts ringing. The train stops.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. Your trip will resume shortly." Says a voice.
A child looks through the window. It's dark outside. Suddenly, many shinning dots, like the eyes of many creatures, appear.
Against the primitive forces of nature!
"I'm frightened." The man tells the woman.
"There's nothing to fear." The woman reassures him.
Beatrice Baudelaire's debut on screen!
"This is not how it was supposed to go!" The man panics.
The scene changes.
"We have to go outside." The woman says to all the passengers of that car, as they stare at her as if she was crazy.
"We can't!" A man shouts.
"We have to, or the train won't move."
The scene changes.
"It's too dangerous, Elsa." The man says to the woman.
"I will come back, I promise you." The woman replies.
They kiss.
The title appears over a dark screen.
Bats in the Train Station
Beatrice Baudelaire & That other guy
In smaller letters:
Bat supervision: Carrie E. Abelabudite
No bats were harmed during the production of this film.
A cheerful woman speaks to two children.
"Do you have everything ready, children?"
"Yes, Mom!" They reply almost at the same time.
"Let's hurry, I want a good spot for our picnic." Says a cheerful man.
The scene changes to the family finishing the preparations for the picnic.
"This peaceful family is about to experience the biggest horrors." Says the narrator.
The woman opens the picnic basket and screams.
Sebald's Ants in the Fruit Salad
Not for the faint of heart!
A European-looking village. Women are talking thick blankets to their houses.
Sebald's masterpiece
Now remastered to terrify a new generation of horror fans!
A young couple.
"Let's go on an adventure, Gerta!" Says the man.
"But Rölf, it's winter! Soon, everything will be covered in snow." Replies the woman, Gerta.
The scene changes. A villager screams.
"The zombies!"
"There are no such thing as zombies!" Another villager argues.
You never saw anything like this before!
Drama
"My father needs me!" Gerta cries.
Romance
"I love you, Gerta," Rölf says. "I have always loved you."
Mystery
"Where did they come from?" A villager asks.
"That's the wrong question." Another villager answers. "The right question is: will we survive this?"
Music
A group of villagers dance and sing.
"They'll eat your feet,/They's munch on your head, You're a tasty treat,/for the walking dead!"
The sound of bells ringing.
"We are here!" A woman shouts, waving her hand. "Help me! Help me! Please, hurry! The zombies are coming!"
"Thank you, young lady." A man cries. "Please, say everything will be alright."
Bells ring again.
Featuring Gustav Sebald as Young Rölf and Jacquelyn Seieska as Gerta
"Customs are important, Rölf," Gerta says.
The scene changes.
"I will build a snowman!" Rölf says.
And a very finely decorated and crucial snowman!
The scene shows a snowman big enough to accommodate more than one person inside, if there was any reason for a person to hide inside a snowman.
For the first time with the extended director's cut, including the never-seen-before original musical ending!
An emotive tune plays as villagers and zombies dance.
Sebald's cult hit and last known movie
Zombies in the Snow
Jacquelyn Seieska & Gustav Sebald
A Very Finely Decorated and crucial Snowman
Omar as Young Rölf's stunt double
Directed by Gustav Sebald
Original Concept by Gustav Sebald
In smaller letters:
Original lyrics by Dr. Sebald
Original score by The Prufrock Preparatory Academy Orchestra
In even smaller letters:
Warning: This movie contains several crucial messages, many outdated. Please refer to this promotional material again in case of doubts. The world is quiet here.
As the title fades, you hear Gerta's voice.
"You will always be in my heart… and in this snowbank!"
"Hypnosis? I don't believe this crap." A man says.
"For the first time together…" a narrator says.
A woman runs in a forest.
"The previously believed to be lost movie, Hypnotists in the Forest." The narrator continues.
The scene changes to a man in suit tied to a chair.
"And the thrilling sequel, Hypnotists in the Office."
"Dolores, avert your eyes!" An older man shouts.
The scene changes. A middle-aged woman, short, wearing glasses and a white coat, holds a pocket watch.
The scene changes. Two businessmen speak.
"Are you saying our employees are hypnotized? I never heard something so foolish." One of them says.
"Featuring the debut of Jacquelyn Seieska as the heroine Dolores." The narrator says.
"We have to stop them." A beautiful blonde woman speaks.
"In a convenient format for you to take home and watch again and again." The narrator says.
Hypnotists in the Forest
Hypnotists in the Office
Jacquelyn Seieska
A man who works as a Ticket Seller
Directed by Gustav Sebald
A view of the inside of a shopping mall. It zooms to a woman with a small boy.
"Mom! Mom! I saw him! I saw him!" The boy cries.
"Of course you did." The woman says, not even looking at him or at the direction he is pointing.
The lights go out.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm."
The scene changes to outside the mall. Vans park near the entrance, and a group of armed man exits each of them.
Bigfoot in the Mall
By Sebald
You can see the dark and damp insides of a sewer.
Watch the scariest urban legend
Through the eyes of the horror genius
Sebald's Alligators in the Sewer
This fall.
You see the entrance of a cave by the shore of a lake.
"It's beautiful." A woman says.
"It's 1 million dollars." Another woman, dressed in an ugly yellow coat replies.
"A daring movie." Says the narrator.
The scene changes. The first woman, that now you recognize as Elsa from the Bats movie, talks to another woman, that looks a lot like Gerta from the Zombies movie.
"We have to accept it." Says "Elsa".
"This is wrong." Replies "Gerta".
"Please, love. We need a place to live." "Elsa" says, holding "Gerta"'s hand.
"A conspiracy." The narrator says.
The scene changes.
A young teen rests against a wall with his arms crossed. "Don't trust the realtors."
The scene changes. A man speaks to "Gerta".
"There is more going on here than you can imagine."
The scene changes. "Elsa" is looking at papers, and seems worried.
"I just want to be happy with you."
"Watching this movie always reminds me of good times that can never come back." - Dr. Sebald
The scene changes and shows the woman with the ugly yellow coat laughing in an evil way.
"There are absolutely no secret organizations involved with the real state industry!" - Geraldine Julienne, Secret Organizations You Should Know About
The scene changes. A strange man bangs his fist on a table.
"I want that cave!"
"(…) the biggest cast in horror history!" - A Specialized Horror Magazine You Never Heard Of
A list of names appears, but it fades before you can read all of them.
Jacquelyn Scieszka
Beatrice Baudelaire
Gustav Sebald
Omar
Fernald (…)
B(…)
and Esmé (…) as The Realtor
The scene changes to "Elsa" and "Gerta" tied up in the cave.
"You will never see this cast together again!" - The Same Specialized Horror Magazine You Never Heard Of
The scene fades to black
Sebald's Realtors in the Cave
In very small letters:
In memory of Dr. Gregor Anwhistle and Dr. Isaac Anwhistle.
Dr. Sebald and the Verified Film Distribution would like to once again express their condolences to the Anwhistle family.
The last tape stands out because it is the only one in colors, and the only one that is entirely in animated CGI.
The scene starts with a view of a beautiful garden, full of flowers, butterflies, birds, and all adorable beings.
The most disturbing movie ever made!
The sun is rising. The birds fly. You hear a childish laugh.
Based on the best selling children's book by Monty Kensicle
The scene darks slightly.
And directed by the disturbed mind of Sebald
A cheerful song starts.
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh
Bum Buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune.
The Littlest Elf
You stare at the black screen for some seconds, blinking. Your parents had a lot of explaining to do.