This is the transcription of my video You can find it on YouTube with the keyword "bukkaketchup."
I uploaded this as a reference to anyone who wants to look up the sesquipedalianism s I used in the audiobook.
(Now for the transcription proper:)
Touhou: A Scary Broom: a Touhou fan comic by Coffgirl.
On the front cover, we see Marisa Kirisame utterly stupefied at her broomstick, now becoming sentient and rebellious.
One fine day, Youmu Konpaku, a half-human half-ghost samurai girl, was walking in the woods. Her Myon for no explained reason was slightly blushing, so Youmu decided to grab its end, transforming it into a makeshift baseball bat. Myon, in a fit of identity crisis, squirmed about in the girl's iron-gripped fist. until eventually surrendering and being left for dead by its human counterpart. In a completely unrelated series of events, we see a certain witch flying over the canopy. "Phew! All that magic research for me pulling and [sic] all nighter, ZE..." Marisa yawns while riding her flying broomstick. "I need and [sic] nap [sic] no way I can fly my broom with out [sic] a good sleep." The black-white swoops down into the dense heart of the forest when something catches her eye. As if God Herself heard the witch's tiresome rambling, she encounters a hammock, thinking, "A hammock!" Yes, Marisa, a hammock.
"In that case..." she thinks, slumping on the hammock while providing a nice shot of her bloomers. She then tips her hat down over her face like a complete badass and proceeds to dream land. A wild baka appears, flying around and radiating lowercase g's encased in circles and rulers. Marisa wakes up and notices the ice fairy and her botched Masonic imagery. "Mmm...? Alright! [sic] I'm wide awake, now!" she bellows with renewed energy. "Ok, gotta keep moving along, Huh?" Marisa says to her broom, winking at it.
Suddenly, Marisa becomes fascinated by a peculiarity. "Is it me or is my broom different some how? [sic]" she ponders, noticing the fact that her broom is now darker and edgier. "Eh, probably my imagination [sic] OFF we go!" she says, while mounting her pimped-out ride. As she tries to settle onto the strange broomstick, it suddenly sports spikes on its upper side, causing great shock and possibly pain to Ms. Kirisame.
"The HELL is this? my butt was almost full of hole!' Marisa screams in a fit of pique, completely oblivious to the fact that her butt already features a tight, warm, malodorous hole. Marisa then decides to mount the broom again, her bow tells her, "Just flip it upside down." Little does she know that the broomstick is making a second attempt at butt rape, forming two fingers and giving her a vigorous poke. Marisa leaps into the air form the surprise poke. She then reclines and stares down the broomstick, which is now taking it easy. "You wanna tangle with me, Huh?" She threatens. "I'll show ya who is who, ZE!" She then puts on a smug grin then turns back to the brush of the broom. "HA! See if you reach me, DAZE-ZE-ZE-ZE!" she taunts while sticking her tongue out in derision.
"AH!" Marisa sports the scariest Goddamn face any intelligent being has ever laid eyes upon, much less drawn and uploaded onto the Internet. "I feel like paying a visit to patchy [sic] and her books..." she says. Unbeknownst to her, the broomstick is devising devious plans to befall great suffering on the witch, possibly involving sodomy. ...And I totally called it. The sweeping ass pirate gives Marisa a tug, setting her in surprise. "WHO TOLD YOU TO RETURN!" she screams in horrible rage. The broom then throws Marisa into the air and finishes its air combo by spanking Marisa with its brushy end.
Meanwhile, Cirno is flailing her arms around and continuing to be some strange form of radioactive. Suddenly, Marisa Kirisame in her downfall, accidentally strikes the (9) in the back of the head with her thoroughly abused posterior. The fairy gets her head lodged into the ground and her life taken. Marisa is complimented with a NICE BUTT. "You're finally returning on me, eh?" a Canadian Marisa remarks as she regains her stature and looks onto the evil broom. She then grabs the cleaning device mid-air, much to its surprise. "GOTCHA!" she shouts during her assault.
"WHOA, STOP DAZE!" Marisa screams as she hangs on for dear life to a scary broom. [lol title drop] "Thant way, I said! THAT WAY!" "Ok! FINE! I won't go! Stop already!" She sobs in utter confusion and nausea while the broom spirals skyward. "Just please put me DOWN!" Suddenly, the tip of the broom releases a dispenser marked with a picture of a tomato. Marisa is in utter shock at the bottle. "OH? Shi-" Marisa then receives a hot copious load of bukkaketchup.
Completely defeated, she falls to her doom. A voice calls out: "Marisa... Marisa... MARISA!" Our heroine wakes up thinking she died like Solid Snake. Upon coming to, she lifts herself and faces her domestic partner, Alice Margatroid, accompanied by her doll, Shanghai. "A... Alice?" Marisa summons. "What happen?" the short-haired woman asks, hoping that no one set Marisa up the bomb. "You've gotten blood all over your face! Were you causing trouble again?"
"Blood...?" Marisa's eyes become very large and wide, even for the art style. She then realizes the incident before her unconsciousness causing Alice's confusion. "HA HA HA!" she laughs. "This is only Ketchup, ZE!" This piques Alice's anger. "!" she spit takes. She then transforms into the disturbing aunt of the titular characters from Spy vs. Spy. "Had... your fun... yet...?" she slithers as Marisa soils her bloomers. "You think it's FUN to go PUNKing me like that with you [sic] ketchup! HUH!" "N-No! Alice, you got it all wrong!" Marisa attempts to retort while making jazz hands. Alice simply clenches her fist and prepares to inflict retribution. "GO BACK TO YOUR DIRTY HOUSE!" she yells while firing a Kamehameha wave. Marisa is utterly blown away with a "GYAAAAAAAAA!" as she seems to disintegrate in the wave of raw raging tsundere energy.
Meanwhile, the wacky miko, Reimu Hakurei, sits at one of the doors to her shrine sipping on a cup of delicious Jack Daniels in a piece of old pottery. Suddenly, a scream catches her attention as she watches a certain black and white object fall to its doom on the earth. "AAAA-OOF!" Marisa screams and grunts as she falls and lands. Reimu's remark is "Head shot.." as she takes another sip of her brown medicine.
After her grand entrance, Marisa feels utterly dazed and confused. "Oh... hai... rai... mooo.." she says in a state of delirium and possibly a head concussion. Reimu, using her awesome eloquence or Hakurei Yin-Yang orb powers, is able to speak three dots. An arrow indicates how a baka's defenseless butt is primed for violation by any passers-by that encounter it. Marisa then turns to Cirno, who she face-planted again with her gluteus. "Oh whoops sorry there!" she shouts to the unconscious and possibly dead fairy. Reimu then seizes Marisa's attention once more. "HA! You musta been stealing again, weren't you?" she snarks. Marisa suddenly becomes defensive. "N-No! It's Alice and her dolls!" she tells Reimu. She then becomes angry at the thought of being almost murdered by the woman who wants her to do strange, unspeakable acts of debauchery with her and possibly her dolls as well. "Why I aughta [sic]..." she says. Her ire soon fades, and she falls back onto the porch. Reimu notices the witch's mood swing and offers her some tea. "Tea..." Reimu offers as she offers tea. Marisa then starts to monologue. "When I think of it, When ever [sic] I think of stealing Patchy books [sic]... the broom goes crazy."
Marisa sports a bedazzled look on her face, while either someone's spying on her through binoculars or Reimu is developing some strange shape of tunnel vision. "Fu fu fu..." a stutterer attempts to swear. We then see Patchouli Knowledge and Nitori Kawashiro hiding in the bushes, Ms. Knowledge carrying a pair of binoculars, and Nitori shape-shifting into a stereotypical Jew. "Looks like that black-white won't be stealing my books again this time," Patchouli says, alluding to how her trickery almost brutally murdered a common thief. "WORD!" the kappa replies, contributing nothing to the conversation. Patchouli then offers a sizable bag of money to Nitori. "Thanks a bunch, Kappa!" says a Heartless Patchouli. "No proplem!" replies the kappa. Then Myon suddenly appears without warning. "You can go returning her broom now, spirit." orders either Patchouli or Nitori, but who cares? Myon then merges itself with the broomstick. Meanwhile, Marisa Kirisame is reclining on the Hakurei porch-side in a state of utter lethargy. "Gret. [sic] Now how I'm [sic] going to get home? That damn broom flies too fast, I can't even catch up," she groans while not putting forth any effort to try to concoct a plan on returning to her abode.
Marisa then suddenly notices a familiar object to her right. Her response is a very out-of-character, "KERO!" She then realizes that this object is none other than her witch-tacular broom. She embraces her transportation of choice, giving it much affection. "MY BABY! 3" she squees. "Guess I should go and apologize to Alice, too..." she tells herself. She then sweeps down to a familiar house from earlier in the comic. She makes a stable landing for once and stands foot on solid ground. "Geez, and I didn't do anything wrong to begin with..." she says while scratching the back of her head. She proceeds to knock on the front door.
The door creaks open just wide enough for one to peer outside. Alice peers out and sees Marisa being Marisa. She then slams the door to continue her sick, sick, mad science involving automatons. "HEY!" Marisa screams upon the rejection. She then becomes really emo because her girlfriend broke up with her, but before she runs off to slit her wrists, dye her hair black, listen to Simple Plan, and cry herself to sleep, she tries to reason with her lover. "Look, about what happenned [sic]... I'm sorry I hurt your feeling [sic] back there..." she confesses. Alice, fortunately, is hearing in on the surge of remorse with a smile. "I mean... How should I say this... It's a long story, y'know? and [sic] I-I'm sorry. I really am... If it means anything... will you come watch the sunset with me?"
Marisa puts on her cute face, unusual of her character. Alice then tells her, "Fine. I'll let you off this time." Marisa, failing to expect forgiveness, is dumbstruck for a moment. Then she proceeds to glomp Alice. "Alice-! 3 Thank you, I love youuuu!" she squees like a preteen anime fan-girl with five Gaia Online accounts while grabbing Alice. Alice, however, feels rather irritated at Marisa's silly affection.
"Y... You baka!" Alice shouts at the black-white.
Then Marisa and Alice mount the broom and fly at Mach 20 through Gensokyo, with Marisa shouting a battle cry and Alice making a shy moé face. "LET'S GO!" Marisa bellows as she zips through the sky. Afterward, Marisa and Alice lock eyes lovingly, as if they're both planning on performing romantic endeavors reminiscent of Bonnie and Clyde. They stare directly at the setting sun, which can in no way be any good for their eyes as Shanghai is a fifth wheel during this romantic evening.
Marisa looks back at Alice and grins. "Still mad at me, ZE?" she teases. Alice- JESUS CHRIST, IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR! Alice acts so tsun ~3 over the remark. "W-Who said anything about being mad..?" she pouts, while Marisa utters her verbal tic. "ZE~" The couple sits casually on the floating broom, and Marisa contemplates her enjoyment of rendering herself blind through staring at gigantic perpetual nuclear explosions. "Y'know, I really like Gensokyo, especially if see [sic] it from up here," she says. "When I get tired, I'd come watch the view. it's [sic] so relaxing like nothing else in the world." Alice blushes over how much Marisa likes looking at the sunset. "Me too..." she whimpers. "And if I have you here with me..."
Marisa then realizes that hot yuri is imminent and blushes in imitation of her partner. "Alice..." she says, their faces close enough to reach out their tongues and make touch. The spirit of the broom wants to get straight to the good part, so it gives Marisa a push, and much to the chagrin of MariPatchy shippers, she almost falls on Alice. "Wha-" Alice says before the inevitable happens.
Marisa and Alice kiss under the sunset on a flying witch's broom while Shanghai looks on masturbating to the hot hot lesbian make-out scene. The spirit leaves the broom, making a Konata face apparently already getting off from the two blondes kissing right on top of it. Marisa and Alice keep their faces close to each other and their hands held until they both achieve la petite mort and let go out of exhaustion.
Ok, scratch that. The two actually smacked their foreheads together and underwent a mutual concussion and hemorrhaging from their frontal lobes. There goes [sic] their years of magical study and possibly spatial calculation. As some time passes, We see Reimu utilizing her ability to fly in the sky to beg for donations from birds and insects. Her stomach rumbles as yen signs float around her. Through a gap, some creepy old hag can be seen being a creepy old hag.
Meanwhile, Alice is crying over her female equivalent of blue balls from how she botched getting laid last night while Shanghai tries to figure out how human emotions work. "Ow... my forehead.. Cause of yesterday..." Alice says in a stroke of solipsism. She then notices a strange cleaning device. "A broom...?" she wonders. "and what's that on? [sic]" She then reads a note on the bristles of the broom, reading: "I wanna ride the broom with you again, ZE!" signed, Marisa K. Alice suddenly grows a dog-like nose and imagines riding Marisa's long, hard, throbbing broomstick.
Alice decides to mount the big black broom while thinking about Marisa. "Well, if she insists, how can I turn her invitation down?" she reasons while getting comfortable. The broom then shows signs of sentinence [sic] and performs grotesque acts that the artist dare not draw. We only hear "GAH~!" Alice's agonizing screaming. Outside, Patchouli shrugs her shoulders and is a complete bitch. "And that's what you get for that love-dovey moment yesterday, Mukyu...!" The purple sociopathic heathen says, unleashing deafening bellows of raw schadenfreude-derived laughter on the inside at the innocent woman's demise.
That night, at Marisa's office of studying magic and experimenting with mind-altering mushrooms, she reclines in her office chair, cheery about spending all day in a constant state of mastery of mysterious magic and mental masturbation. "Hah... I feel like Alice is going to pay me a visit today..." she says to herself in anticipation for some fun with dolls and perhaps a delicious sandwich. She emits "DAZE" possibly tripping balls from some bad shrooms she found in the Forest of Magic earlier that day. Unbeknownst to her, Alice is watching her from behind a window, waiting to haunt her otherwise amazing hallucination. Accompanying her as usual is her doll Shanghai with what appears to be a hairy erection. "I will visit you at Eintei, [sic] ok? Marisa..." Alice connives as she puts on her rape face.