Title: Last days I'll spend in my life
Author: Mika Kashii Haine
Band: The Gazette
Pairing: Reita x Uruha
Rating: PG13
Genre: Angst
Chapters: 1/?
Warning: Unbeta-ed
Disclaimer: Do not own anyone.
Summary: Saying all this, is maybe a bit of lying. Cause
Comment: I really, really, really hate this piece. But I'm going crazy while I keep working on it. So I'll just post it now. And pray that the next chapter will be better. But comments are loved, please lash out on me!
I don't want to lose that person. If that person leaves, will they ever come back? Will they ever come back to get me? Will the goodbye we share be the last to ever slip from my throat? Will it be a short term goodbye? Or something that have to last forever? Why can't I say anything about it? Am I not brave enough? Selfish enough? I don't want them to leave. But still I cannot follow. My head is a mess. And my heart is in pain. As all my thoughts are only in vain.
More than anything I actually want to spend my whole life just by your side. When I was younger. After meeting you. I always fought so hard by myself to keep my grades up. So that, no matter where you chose to run off to, I could run along beside you. More than anything I can even think of, it's you that appear in my head. It's so simple. And yet so very difficult. I don't know where I can go to. And I don't know what to do.
Somewhere along this line we've been walking since our first meeting. I found a dream I wanted to achieve. A will grew inside me. I just lost track of where I was headed. Somehow, before I was walking with no destination in mind. No map to guide me. But now. Even though I am still at loss of a map, there is a destination that pushes my back.
You tell me to come with you. You're going away to study. To a place unfamiliar to both of us. But I don't want to anymore. I started this course to chase my dream. I want to graduate. I want to finish this last year. Even if that means I'll lose you. I can't help it. I want to hold onto you so very tight that you might break. But I can't even do that. Inside my heart I can't find any reasonable reasons to keep you here. To make you wait for me. There's nothing that comes to mind.
If I could follow you, of course I would. There's nothing I want to do more than that. Being by your side, is what brings me peace the most. Saying all this, is maybe a bit of lying. Cause there's obviously something that I want to do. Call me a coward for not taking chances and drop out of school. I am a coward. In various ways.
It brings me pain to think about spending time without you. To not see you for such a long time. And maybe never again. It brings heartache to me. Something never heard of before. Still I want to do this. Something just for me. A path I've chosen by myself. A road I have to follow. In order to become complete. Become what I want to be. For my dream to come true. I have to let go of something. This time I'll let you slip gracefully out of my fingers. Even as my tears stain my pale cheeks. Burning my eyes. My lips quiver. But they never speak. What flashes before my eyes are the day when you'll leave me behind.
Please don't leave.
I want to say that. But I won't. Hurts and hurts. This thing with you and me. Thinking that I don't mean to you, half of what you mean to me. My mind has told me many times. But it stung my heart so very painfully every time. Thoughts that seeps into my head. Filling my heart. Pushes out restrained tears. Trembling lips. Heartbeat that speeds up and becomes uneven. And rather rushed. What comes to mind is the day I'll never get to see you again. Knowing its closing me in. I've been crying a lot these past days.
The day came. And the day passed. As if nothing had changed at all. But I knew it had. Felt it in my heart. Mostly with my body. My brain working on top to try and process what was happening.
Don't leave me.
Whispering inside my heart. Screaming in my head. Biting down on my lip so they won't tremble too noticeable. Biting on the bottom lip to keep inside every word threatening to escape past them if they have the slightest chance to. You walk away. You're still walking. Never turning back. Never coming back. All I do is cry. Not saying a thing. I won't allow myself to do that. I won't. Certainly not.
I love you...
It's all these words I never said, I hope you found them all, these things left unsaid.
I am scared as everyday passes by. Cause you left me behind. Never complaining. I hate myself for letting you go. And the days are scarier than ever. Cause my refuge is no longer to be found. Days I spend not seeing you. Are days I spend in fear looking over my shoulder.
Cause its everyday spent apart from you that makes my heart beat in uneven fear. It's about to slow down and die. Darkness takes control over my eyes. Ears are ringing. Same word chiming countless of times, repeating itself in a monotone voice.
"Cancer. Cancer. Cancer..."
"Your cancer cannot be healed, Suzuki-san."
"I'm sorry, we tried. There's nothing more that we can do."
And it's the words the doctor told me. Uncertain about the time I have left to live. But really. I wish it could end now. As much as I want to complete my dream, that won't matter if I might die in a week. Or a month from now. The colours in the world have left me. I can not seem to smell anything at all ever since you left. It's like you were my sun. And now I have plunged into a darkness I can never escape from. Being told my death sentence at the age of 19. There are still so many places I have yet to see. So many people I should meet. All the goals I have to achieve. It's a life I'm missing. I'm missing out of it all.
The day you left. It was only a week after I had gotten my death sentence. Now. All I wish is. That I had followed you.
I wish to meet you again.