Harry Potter and His Newfound Love
by KawaiiBishieSephiroth13
Harry Potter was on vacation with his best friends Hermione and Ron.
They decided that a beachside vacation for the summer would be the best bet since that would both get Harry away from his horrible relatives, the Dursleys, and would also give Hermione an ample opportunity to appeal to pedophiles via her skimpy two-piece bathing suit. It certainly impressed Ron, though given that he is the same age as Hermione he cannot actually be considered a pedophile.
"Gee, Hermione, you're hot!!!" said Ron as his swimming trunks tented out in such a way that would probably be censored.
"Why thank you!!!" said Hermione.
While some sort of banter or another was going on between Ron and Hermione, Harry's attention was directed toward the water that both Ron and Hermione were standing in. There was something altogether fascinating about that water. It was so clear, so beautiful, so saline and pristine. He knew he had to make that water his somehow, though he knew not how.
He stepped toward the ocean, wearing his striped swimming trunks that bore the colors of Gryffindor. "Hey, ocean baby, how are ya?" he said, with a wink and a grin.
The ocean said nothing.
"Aw c'mon, don't be shy. You're lookin' mighty fine today, you know," he said, making sure that his muscles were flexed out and oiled so as to make them prominent to passerby.
The ocean said nothing.
"Harry, are you trying to hit on the ocean itself???" said Malfoy, who rather coincidentally also happened to be there simply for the sake of making fun of him. "Geez, Harry, I knew you were a putz, but this really takes the cake."
Harry, pouting at his secret being let out, whipped around and avada kedavra'd Malfoy into the stone age.
"Harry, did you just say something?" said Ron, after much making out with Hermione.
"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." said Harry, as he dreamed about the perfect waves washing over him, the waves of his newest love, the ocean.
For the next several weeks, Harry dreamt of the ocean. Its beautiful tides, the way its waves would crash upon shore, the many creatures contained within it, the way that it would shimmer in the sunlight and even in the moonlight. He couldn't get over it. Finally, he confessed to Dumbledore, one day, while he was discussing the defeat of Lord Voldemort with him, "oh, I wish the ocean would be mine!"
"Well, be careful what you wish for, young Harry, because you just might get it!"
"Yeah, whatever you old bastard" Harry responded. Harry had no idea that Dumbledore's wisdom was so true and accurate, given that he hadn't read the previous several books.
One day, Harry was studying in potions, where Snape was being a total dickweed as usual, when Harry said "Oh, ocean, I wish you would take me now, take me as your new husband!"
"Harry, shush it! -10 points to Gryffindor!" Snape said. However, as Snape said this, the ocean suddenly rose up from its depths and flooded the potions room and much of the rest of Hogwarts! Though much of the wizards there were in a panic and trying to cast breathing spells so that they would not drown, Harry was elated.
"Oh, ocean, you care about me!" Harry said. "Please be my bride!"
However, the ocean, being an uncaring force of nature, did not listen to Harry, and instead drowned him. In fact, the ocean drowned the entirety of Hogwarts that day, as well as drowning much of the British Isles. The muggle press the world over would have trouble figuring out why the British Isles would be flooded and drowned so, but the wizarding world knew why; it was because a testosterone-fueled savant wizard wished for something foolish and dangerous.
THE END