A/N: Welcome to the first chapter of my dark KS fic. I've been toying with the idea of this for a while now. Thanks to the KakaSaku Month prompt of Summer Rain, I was hit with inspiration and finally got to work on it. Expect more once KS Month is done. Thank you for reading and I hope you stick around! -Deni
On the day she buried him, the weather had been sunny and the guest turnout had been small. In some ways it broke her heart to have only a handful of people at her side, in others it sort of seemed fitting as he never cared much for large gatherings.
She felt the squeeze of Ino's hand at her shoulder and met her sympathetic smile. "He was a good man, Sakura. He'd be proud of you, you know. You saved people that day."
But not him . She knew her friend meant well so she let her lips reciprocate with as much of a smile as she could muster. "I know."
"I have to get back to T&I, but I'll come by after okay?"
"I'll be at mom's."
Ino nodded. "Should I bring her some flowers?"
Sakura thought back to all the bouquets they'd already received. T&I must be keeping her busy enough to be unaware of the business at her family's own shop. Sakura suddenly felt more bitter, even though it wasn't Ino's fault. "If you want to, but I'm sure she'd appreciate some soup more."
"Got it. I'll see you later."
She let herself be pulled into her friend's brief embrace, and then with her gone Sakura was left alone with people she barely knew. It was suddenly too crowded and her chest felt tight with the need to breathe. Casting her gaze down at the headstone, she knelt and placed her single flower there.
"I'm sorry dad," she whispered and then hastily rose to her feet. She turned and began to walk away as fast as she could without looking like she was running. The civilian cemetery was small and pristinely kept, so much so that it bordered on unnatural. She had to get away.
The summer sun glared heavily down upon her, but she didn't wipe the sweat from her forehead. She bore the weight of it burning her skin through her clothes, pulled through the fatigue tugging at her every step. She deserved it. No one said it aloud, but she swore she saw it in her mother's eyes. Those sad, red-rimmed eyes as she held her mother's hand while they went over funeral arrangements. You should have been there for him.
Sakura had been in surgery that day. A medic had been pulled to go on a mission so the roster was rearranged. She had been wrist deep in some poor Anbu bastard's stomach when three civilian men were rushed in, injured at a job site. She had been saving another man's life while her father's dwindled away. She had been smiling and sharing congratulations on the success as her father flatlined. She had been changing from bloody robes as they'd pronounced him dead, and she'd only thought about what to have for lunch.
Hitomi had been waiting for her in her office; Sakura had been completely unaware of how much her life would change with her presence.
Sakura paused outside her childhood home and took a deep breath to prepare herself. "Mom, I'm back," she called as she slipped out of her shoes. She wrinkled her nose as she passed by the flowers in a heap on the table. Their sweet perfumes mixed and became overbearingly pungent.
"Want me to open a window? Some fresh air might be nice." She paused for a reply, but none came. Maybe her mom was sleeping. She cracked open the kitchen window anyway and then gathered the pill bottles that sat on the counter. She placed the required doses in a small cup and snatched a bottle of water from the fridge. Her steps fell quiet as she made her way to her parents' bedroom.
The TV was on with the volume down - little more than background noise - and she shut it off before sitting on the corner of the bed. Her mother looked just as frail asleep as she did awake; it was a stark contrast to the vibrant woman in her memories.
Sakura gently brushed the hair from her mother's face, ignoring the pang of guilt in her chest. She hadn't known about her mother's illness until a year ago when she was put on bed rest. She should have seen the signs, but after the war there had been so much to do, to change, and to rebuild. She had been so swept up in everything she had believed it when her mom said that she needed to rest and not worry about her, that there would always be another time. Sakura had been so focused on the village, that she hadn't spent much energy on her family. When the news finally came out, the sickness had progressed so much that there was nothing Sakura could do without the risk of killing her. She had been so furious that her parents had gone out of their way to see a doctor in a neighboring town just to keep it hidden from her, to keep her from worrying. And now she thought she was to blame for that, too.
She sighed and gently shook her mom's shoulder. "I'm home. Dad's service was nice, you would have liked it… And Ino said she'd come by later."
She looked down at the pills in her hand, hoping her mother would have said something to her concerning her best frenemy. She had always loved Ino for befriending someone like Sakura in all her awkwardness, and remaining her friend at the end of everything.
"Come on, you need to take your medicine."
Her fingers paused over the bottle cap and she set the water to the side as a feeling she couldn't quite place but had experienced before prickled down her back. She pressed her knee onto the bed as she leaned over her mother, gently shaking her again. "Mom?"
Apprehension halted her fingers midway to her neck, and then she pushed through and set two of them at her pulse point. Her mother was cool to the touch and Sakura's eyes widened at the lack of a pulse.
Fear laced through Sakura's blood as it pumped through her and she set her palm flat against her mother's chest and sent a wave of chakra through her body. It met no resistance against what should have been her naturally occurring stream of chakra. Every living thing had it.
"No," she muttered, her gaze hardening with determination. "No, no… mom!" She turned her face toward her and pried open her eyelids, searching for any sign of life as she sent more chakra into her. Pulse after pulse was pushed through only to bounce around like an echo in a hollow canyon.
Sakura kept pushing, knowing any minute now her mother would wake and demand to know what all the fuss was about. I was just sleeping she'd say and laugh and take her pills. Sakura would apologize - for so many things - and would tell her about the service, and they'd cry and reminisce together until Ino brought the soup. And her friend would chide them for their improper care of such beautiful flowers and help arrange them in vases. Sakura knew this had to happen, it was supposed to be what came next. She just had to wake up first.
"Mom… wake up," Sakura urged, numb to the tears cutting down her cheeks. "Mom!"
oOo
On the day she buried her, the weather was overcast and gloomy, and Sakura stood out in front of the other attendees. With everything else she had to take care of, she'd forgotten an umbrella. Not that it mattered. She deserved this, too. Her emerald eyes were less vibrant today as she looked down at the newly engraved name on the headstone beneath her father's.
She'd been asked to give opening remarks, but refused. What could she say? Kizashi and Mebuki Haruno, two people who still deserve to be here, but aren't because of my incompetence.
Tsunade had tried to console her, to make it clear that it wasn't her fault. But the woman still shot back sake to numb her own pain. As brilliant of a medic and a leader as she'd been, she didn't want to take Tsunade's advice on the one subject that made her out to be a hypocrite.
How could it not have been her fault? She was wrapped up in village politics, doing her part for the supposed greater good. She remembered the rare occasions she'd all but collapse at the dinner-table with stories of how tiring her day had been. Only now, as she played back her memories, did she notice the tightness in her mother's eyes, and how sad her mom's smile had been when she did her best to reassure her. If she had just known she could have helped. All the years and experience she had gained hadn't made her any less of a selfish child.
She hated herself for assuming things were as they'd always been in the Haruno household. She hated herself for never taking the time to ask her mother how she was doing, if she had been sleeping and eating well. She hated herself for not doing more than giving her parents money (buy mom flowers; take her on a date; get those shoes you've been wanting), money they spent on another doctor. She hated herself… she hated herself... she -
Sakura startled as an elbow nudged her, and like she had been forced awake from a deep sleep and a bad dream, she turned her gaze to Ino. Ino who had come over as promised and found Sakura wailing over her mother's body. Ino who had to pry chakra-lit hands from her corpse and force her into submission. Ino who had cried with her as she promised they'd figure it all out together.
The blonde tilted her head toward the gravestone. And Sakura took an awkward step forward, away from that piercing blue stare. Ino had been there in her darkest hour, and she was thankful for that, but right now all she felt was pity rolling off of her best friend. Pity that she wanted nothing to do with. Sakura placed her flower in front of the stone and then stood aside as everyone else came forward to drop a flower and pay respects.
The crowd that had gathered for her mother's service was just a bit bigger than her father's. She tried not to think on it, or feel bitter, but she did. She clasped her hands in front of her, head bowed as hands passed over her in a show of reassurance. But with every squeeze or pat all she wanted was to shrink back, to knock their hands away and run. Instead, she clenched her jaw and clamped her fingers tighter together.
She was relieved when the rain began to fall and the crowd began to thin, hiding away under their umbrellas. Her hair began to be weighed down by the rain, drooping over her shoulders and falling into her face. With a final thanks for attending, Sakura began to walk away. She could have sworn she heard people calling out to her, but they all sounded so far away. She didn't have the strength in her to reply, so she just kept walking.
oOo
Kakashi grunted as the rain first began to fall. He'd seen the clouds in the distance, could smell the earth as the storm pressed forward. He had hoped to make it home before the bottom fell out. He should have known better.
This was not how he wanted to spend his vacation. He didn't want to be completing a mission either. All things considered, he should have been wary when vacation time was offered. The spa resort was too good to be true - steam rooms, body massages, body wraps, hot stones, facials… They were all very lovely and he would have enjoyed it more if he hadn't been spying. But such was the way of life, he shouldn't have expected anything less.
He was relieved as he took shelter under the roof of the guardhouse at Konoha's gates, and he shook the rain from his hair and face. He ignored Kotetsu's cries of foul play as he signed in. "A little water never hurt," he teased.
"I'd still like it if you kept it out there," the man groused as he wiped his face.
"How's Tsunade's mood?" Kakashi asked, ignoring the man's protests.
"Not good."
"Like throw things at you for reporting bad news not good, or you brought me a bottle of sake so I'll let you live not good?"
Realization dawned on Kotetsu's face. "That's right, you wouldn't know."
Kakashi's expression turned serious as he readjusted his pack. "What do you mean? What happened?"
"Sakura's parents passed away."
He kept his surprise restrained at the news. "And?"
"She's been a mess and Tsunade has been trying to pick up the slack on top of her Hokage duties. Running the hospital and the village while training Naruto is wearing her a bit thin, though she'd never admit it."
"And Sakura?"
"I don't know. She should be at the cemetery. Her mother's funeral is today."
Kakashi nodded and cast a wave over his shoulder as he set out into the rain again. He changed his course, the Hokage - and the one in training - would surely understand. As he neared the cemetery he crossed paths with mourners leaving, and he hoped he hadn't already missed her. However, there was no head of pink to be found anywhere. In fact there were only a few faces he did recognize, everyone else had been civilian. With a deep breath he continued on to the Hokage tower.
It was still raining when he left after being debriefed. After business was taken care of was when he'd learned the details of Sakura's parents. He couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for her to cope after losing both of them back-to-back. The exhaustion couldn't be contained and made itself known upon Tsunade's features. And Naruto had looked nearly as ragged; the blond couldn't quite get the request out - feeling guilty enough for not being able to be at Sakura's side at all moments - but he understood. Their favorite medic had endured enough, and she needed to know that she was not alone.
As it was on his way, Kakashi stopped by Sakura's apartment only to find it empty. He sighed and decided to drop off his pack. He was tired, wet, and smelled vaguely of a wet animal. Now that the rain had slowed to a light drizzle, a quick shower seemed to be in order before he continued his search. He thought about where she may be hiding herself away, and as soon as he dressed he stopped by each possible location. She was never there nor had she been seen, but there had been plenty of condolences given for him to pass on. Kakashi refrained from the urge to rip his hair out. After the last such a shame comment he couldn't blame Sakura for avoiding her favorite haunts. There was one other place he thought of, but he honestly believed it to be the last place she'd want to be. He crossed the village, thunder rumbling in the distance like the growl of a feral beast. He hoped he'd make it before it started to rain again.
Kakashi finally reached his destination and stared up at the Haruno home. Two windows were lit up and he walked around to the side of the house. He could make out Sakura's form beyond the curtain, and found himself concerned as she turned the bottle in her hand upright at her mouth. He had never seen this side of her before, even with all the other heartache she had experienced. He didn't want to watch her detonate - not alone, not after Naruto had looked at him with those pitiful eyes, not after those whispers he'd heard from passing mourners. She had stood at his side during the war, had helped pull him from the darkness, and he owed her this much. A crash of glass broke him from his thoughts.
He lifted his hand to the window to go in and check on her when a surge of her chakra made him pause. He'd never felt anything so unstable roll from her before. His gaze darted about the kitchen, having lost her, and then he heard a sharp cracking sound, followed by another. This time he caught sight of a pill bottle as it hurtled across the room and punched through the cabinet. Sakura's scream pierced through the air, sharper than the strike of lightning. She swept her arms across the table sending the bouquets of flowers flying off, some of them were dead but most looked fresh.
Kakashi stood frozen as she threw a chair against the wall shaking the house with the force of thunder. As much as he felt she shouldn't be alone, even though he'd promised, he felt very much as if he was intruding. Everyone dealt differently, and he had no right to witness her private grieving. He took a step back from the window and pulled his hands into the familiar seals. It was as he was making the final one that he glanced back inside and met her pained gaze. He couldn't stop, and the tears rolling down her face were the last thing he saw before the shunshin carried him away.
Kakashi cursed as he landed on the rooftop of a house at the end of the street. He hadn't meant to stick around and witness that. He didn't want to embarrass her or infuriate her any more than she already was. He cringed imagining his head had been the cabinet. He only hoped that when they'd cross paths again she'd be understanding and realize he'd only been there because he was worried about her. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever imagine how it would play out.
The rain began to fall upon Kakashi again as he made it back home. Road weary, he collapsed onto his bed and then rolled over to take his book from the nightstand. He cracked it open to the dog eared page, but he couldn't concentrate on the text. All he could see were Sakura's eyes and the mountains of hurt behind them. He let the book fall tented over his face, and while his brain was running, his body was tapped out. The rain pelting against the window lured him to the edge of sleep. Though he fought it, it eventually claimed him.
Rain had been the only constant since Kakashi fell into bed, so when it suddenly disappeared it poked at his senses. There was a soft rustle, followed by a louder one and then a faint click. The sound of rain returned, barely drowning out the two light thuds. He curled his fingers around the handle of the kunai he kept under his pillow, but then he felt the chakra and released it before sitting up with the yawn he had been biting back. "Sakura?"
She didn't say anything in response as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He blinked a handful of times to focus on her form in the darkness of night. She was still in her mourning clothes that were now soaked from the rain and clung to her body. He followed the water as it slid down her arm and dripped onto the floor to join the small puddle at her feet.
"Let me get you a towel."
"I'm alright," she countered. "I can barely even feel it."
His gaze was drawn to her face, to the neutral indifference that settled into her features. She looked like an imposter and it didn't suit her; he almost couldn't face her, after seeing her as he did. Those memories surfaced and he figured she'd come for payback. He excused himself to get her a towel anyway.
"When did you get back?" she asked.
"Just a while ago. I… heard about your parents and went to find you-"
"And?"
He paused as he lifted the towel to her shoulders; he wasn't sure why he felt so unsteady around her all of a sudden. He'd known her for years, and had gotten even closer to her over the last few. She was so tightly wound up that he could feel it. He wrapped the towel around her shoulders. "I'm sorry I didn't make it back sooner," he whispered.
She made no move to dry herself as he sat on the edge of the bed. The quiet stretched between them, began to settle awkwardly over them until Sakura sighed, long and steady. "It wouldn't have mattered if you did."
"I don't believe that. You know I would have been right there beside you…"
"But it still wouldn't have mattered. My parents would still be dead. I just don't understand why. Why like this?"
"Sakura -"
She couldn't control her outburst. "They were just civilian. There were always some of the first to be moved to safety, they stayed protected during the invasion, had never fought a war. I know they would have died, one day, but I'm a medic ! I should have been able to save them!"
"You can't blame yourself." Trust me, it does no good.
Her chest began to rise and fall more rapidly. "But my mother… she hid it from me, Kakashi! Because she thought I was too busy, that I didn't need to worry about her. If she'd come to me at the beginning, I could have-" Her sentence broke as she gasped for air, as she choked on the sob that beat against her chest.
Kakashi had never handled tears well, but he wouldn't mind it so much if she were to. For all the times he had failed her in the past, all that she had endured and grown to be, for all the strength she possessed - he could be here for her now when she needed it the most. The fact that she sought him out meant something, didn't it? He reached out to her trembling hand and curled his fingers around it. "It'll be okay, Sakura."
The pain she felt - so raw and heavy - was evident in the dip of her lips, the pull of her brow, and in the creases of her eyes. She drew in a stuttering breath. "But it hurts… so much." Her fingers clawed at her chest, as if she meant to dig straight through and tear out her heart.
Kakashi swallowed thickly and squeezed her hand for reassurance. "One day it'll hurt less." But it'll still hurt . He didn't want to lie to her, so he settled for half truths.
"I need it to stop now," she admitted. "I can't eat or sleep. One minute I feel like I'm going to break, and the next I feel nothing. I don't want to feel like this… it makes me want to crawl out of my skin."
He watched her shoulders raise, tense as she confessed. "Breathe, Sakura."
"It hurts to breathe," she countered. "I just want it to go away." The towel slipped from her shoulders as she spun to face him. His eyes had adjusted to the dimness of the room and though the silence was brief, he saw and took in so many things. She was trembling, rain drops caught the street light and fell from her hair like crystals. Her eyes focused on him - intense, wide, and hopeful - and it made his stomach drop.
"Kakashi… can you help me?"
"I don't know what I could do for you," he replied, ignoring the weight of her question and wondering if he was just imagining what she could be hinting at. Although his gut instinct was rarely ever wrong.
She stepped closer, between his knees, and he drew his attention to the water drip-dropping onto his legs.
"I want to feel something... anything than this."
He pretended not to notice her fingers as they fiddled with undoing the buttons on her top. "Sakura-"
"I've seen how you look at me."
He kept his expression schooled, even as his stomach knotted. Now was not the time to be feeling anticipation.
"No one ever looks at me that way."
He craned his head back to look at her. "And which way do you think that is?"
Sakura peeled her shirt off her shoulders, forcing it down her arms to land on the floor with a wet squelch. "Like Naruto sitting down to his first bowl of ramen after a long mission. Like Tenten when she gets her hands on a rare weapon. Like Sai unwrapping new ink."
Had he been that obvious? After the war he knew she needed a friend so that's how he made himself available to her. She had to sort out her feelings for Sasuke - they all did. He saw the way she jumped when lightning would strike during a storm, even though she'd brush it off. She needed time to heal - as much as a ninja ever could. And he'd been content to be her friend, to learn all these fascinating things about her, and somewhere along the way that contentment turned into a desire - a yearning to be by her side.
And it was wrong of him, and not for the artificial reasons on the surface. It wasn't the age gap that bothered him, or that he was technically her superior, nor was it that he'd once been her teacher - and a poor one at that. It was his own self-loathing; it was knowing she deserved better than him. He could not let himself drag her down. He'd ruin her, and he couldn't allow that to happen.
She set her hand on his shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts. "You could have me right now."
Kakashi took a deep breath and wet his lips. "Sakura, you don't really want to do this."
"I need to do it."
"You're emotional and you're grieving. You're not thinking about this clearly."
"And that's where you have me mistaken. I am fully aware of what I'm asking you."
She curled her fingers around her camisole and lifted it over her head to let it join her shirt. Kakashi averted his gaze from her bare chest, face flushed at her boldness. "Sa-"
"Kakashi, please… I know you want me, and I need this. We both win."
He opened his mouth to reply, but her fingers fell across his lips. "Please don't turn me away. I can't go back there, not now. I just want to forget. I don't care how unhealthy it is, I don't care if it's only for a little while."
Kakashi pressed his eyes closed as her touch skimmed over his jaw. He was being a hypocrite, he knew. How many times had he sought solace in something or someone for no other reason than a brief reprieve from the hollowness he felt deep within himself? He just didn't want to see Sakura turn down this road. She was far too bright, too young, to get ensnared in such a trap.
Her fingers curled around the back of his head, nails scraping against his scalp and sending a tingle through his body - his highly traitorous body.
Her voice was soft, and barely broke over the sound of rain, but still far too loud in his ears. "I trust you. I need you to give me this."
He could feel himself being pulled toward her, his hands scrunching up his pants over his knees as he balled them into tight fists. They would obey him and not move. His cheek met the smoothness of her stomach as her hand continued to comb through his hair.
"Please, help me forget. I'll take care of everything, just please…"
Kakashi felt her stomach clench when his lips accidentally brushed her skin as he turned his head. Her fingers curled so pleasantly in his hair and he looked up at her. Her face was cold, blank, but her eyes - her eyes were pleading, as if the Sakura he knew stood behind them, banging on the glass and demanding to be free. Her eyes were red-rimmed, tired, and he could see the fragility of her soul. Could he really deny her and turn her away when she came to him like this, like the fire that made Sakura Sakura was being smothered by the weight of her loss? If he turned her away, would it completely extinguish those flames?
He wanted to bang his head against the wall. Why did he feel so guilty all of a sudden?
"I want it to stop."
Her broken voice invaded his ears and chipped at his already weakening resolve. All of the things he had denied her before, all of his shortcomings and failures with her clawed at the surface. And here she was, vulnerable, at her rope's end, and begging him. If he turned her away would it hurt her deeper? Could he bear it if he was the one who broke her a little more, who fractured her smile? And could she ever forgive him? Could he live with it if she didn't?
"You know that we can't come back from this," he commented, wondering if she thought about the consequences of what this would do to their friendship.
Her hand left his hair to pinch the top of her skirt, her other hand lowering the zipper. "I know and I don't care. Just... promise you won't hate me tomorrow."
His brow furrowed at her choice of words. "I could never hate you, Sakura."
He kept his eyes locked with hers as her skirt fell away, and she stepped out of it. She leaned down toward him, her cool hand cupping his face. He could smell her tears and the earthy undertones of the rain as she pressed even closer, slipping her fingers into his mask. The material scratched against the stubble on his chin as she wasted no time in pulling it down.
"I hope so," she whispered before her lips touched to his. Her sadness crept in like a ghost, haunting the warmth that should have been there in her kiss.
He trained his gaze to her and realize she had her eyes closed, so he shut his as well. The gentleness of her mouth turned harder as she urged him to reciprocate. He parted his lips at her prodding and welcomed her tongue. He felt her push his hands away and then take residence in his lap. He didn't remember her ever feeling this small.
He wanted to hold her and touch her, and he hated that he felt that way. Even though she instigated the whole matter, he still felt as if he was the one taking advantage of her instead of the one being used.
Her hands skimmed down his chest and blindly found his arms. He felt her hands take his and place them on her waist. Her skin was soft, damp, and cool against the heat of his palms. She sighed against him, shivering as the contrast scattered gooseflesh along her torso. Her tongue ran along his, pulling him deeper into the rabbit hole he agreed to chase her down.
He began to kiss her back in earnest, pressing his mouth just as soundly to hers. He sat a little straighter as his hands ventured up her back, pulling her closer. She mewled into him as a hand snaked into her wet hair, angling her head so he could better slant his mouth over hers.
Her breath came quicker as he plundered her mouth. He could taste the desperation under her tongue, the sweet rot of hope along her teeth, and he wanted nothing more than to take it all away. To swallow it down himself so she wouldn't have to feel it.
Her hand fell over his other one at her side and brought it to her breast. She was cold here, too, so he cupped her flesh and gently began to knead it, working his warmth into her. Her fingers tightened in his hair as she finally broke the kiss, gasping against his mouth. He could make out the slightest dusting of color on her cheeks and offered up the slightest twitch of his lips in reassurance before kissing her again.
Her hands fit between their bodies and she attacked the string of his pants, untying them with haste and loosening the waist. Kakashi turned his head away from her and snatched her wrist, halting her advance. "Wait."
"But... I thought-"
"You wanted me to help you feel something else, and I will, but it's going to be on my terms."
"You never said that."
"Just let me take care of you. That's what you want, isn't it?"
Her eyes narrowed in brief contemplation. If she was going to back out, it'd be now. Kakashi wasn't sure if he wanted her to or not - and that horrified him. When an ugly, selfish man he had become.
"I'll do it your way," she agreed, and then squeaked as he suddenly twisted, holding her tightly as he moved her to the bed.
"Then let's get you warmed up first."
Sakura had no time to reply as his body pressed to hers and he captured her mouth. She hadn't realized how cold she must have been until he was flush against her. His body heat prickled her skin, his chest like a burning ember as his mouth skimmed her jaw to her neck, sucking on her pulse point and nipping her tender flesh. His lips continued their journey south and she softly moaned as his tongue circled a nipple. His mouth was so warm closed around her and heat bloomed in her chest in response.
Sakura clenched her eyes shut, trying to focus on his breath as it rolled across her skin like fog through a valley, on his callused fingers that swept along her body, cotton soft. She tried to encourage the tingle that stirred in her middle to spread, to consume her whole. She was ready to burn.
His tongue dipped into her navel as his hands slid down from her breast, his touch pressing comforting patterns across her. "Just relax, it will come if you don't force it," he assured her.
She huffed as his voice interrupted her. "What will?"
"The feeling you're looking for."
Sakura lifted her head to see him better. She wanted to ask if he was sure, ask him how he knew, but she didn't. Because for a brief moment she could see that glimmer of ache in his eyes. He gave her a tilt of his head that asked Don't you trust me ? The answer was obvious, and she closed her eyes as she laid back again.
His nails scraped against her skin as he curled his fingers into the band of her panties. She held her breath as she lifted her hips to help him. Surprisingly, she felt no nervousness, no embarrassment, no shame. All she felt was eagerness. The last remaining article on her was gone and she was one step closer to something that wasn't nothing.
His warmth bled into her thighs in whisper-soft presses of his mouth. And then Sakura gasped as he placed a kiss at the apex of her mound. His heat spilled over her with every roll of his tongue, every suckle of his lips. She twitched and moaned, still far too aware of the inky void pushing back against the tremors of pleasure, that deep resonating feeling that told her she didn't deserve to have it.
Kakashi could see her smaller hands fisted in his sheets, could feel the tension in her body. He rubbed his hands along her thighs, spreading her legs farther apart. If he couldn't get her to drop her guard with his mouth alone then he'd employ another trick.
Sakura sighed again as his mouth slowed, kissing her clit with a lazy curl of his tongue. The pad of his finger grazed up and down between her labia, his touch as light and teasing as his tongue. And when she thought he was going to enter, his fingers instead traced along her nether lips. She wanted to protest but his attention made her tingle and her breath rise in anticipation. Her fingers ached as she released of the sheets and reached for him instead.
He lifted his head, freeing her bundle of nerves to lean his face into her hand in encouragement. His lips were so hot and wet and plush as they pressed a kiss to her wrist.
Her fingers curled into his hair as he slid a single finger inside her. She was already wet, soaking his invading digit as he twisted it within her, observing her reactions as he explored her passage. Little-by-little, Sakura could feel that pleasant tingle ripple through her. Every breath expelled the dark and cold, replaced it with something warm and exciting. She felt it when he added a second finger and then his lips closed around her again and her back arched off the bed.
Kakashi kept the same steady pace. Regardless of what Sakura had said before, her body was saying something different, and he wasn't going to rush in. More than just escaping or forgetting, he wanted her to feel good beyond measure.
Sakura's grunts and gasps turned into mewls, her pelvis rocking up toward his mouth. Whether she was conscious of it or not, her body was finally responding naturally, no longer held back by her inhibitions or emotions.
"Kakashi…"
He hummed around her in question, pleased by her sharp gasp as he did so.
"Kiss me," she requested, breathless and tugging on his hair.
Sakura could feel the bed shift as his mouth left her, but his fingers dutifully remained between her legs. His body was back alongside hers, hot and hard and secure. She wrapped her arms around him as she crushed him against her. She could taste herself in his kiss, could taste his longing. He hummed against her, fingers still hooking inside her with every stroke.
Sakura trembled against him, no longer shivering from the rain, but from the waves of bliss battering against her ribcage. She blindly felt down his torso, finding the top of his pants and finished loosening them. She shoved them down as far as she could reach, the palm of her hand flattening over his pelvis.
He groaned as she found him, her soft touch circling him. She marveled at how hard he was, at how she could draw such a noise from him. She gave him a few toying strokes, her body burning for more.
Her hand moved between her legs and cuffed his wrist and then she threw her leg across him. In one fluid movement, she rolled herself on top of him, breaking the kiss and the tempo of his dancing fingers.
Surprised by her sudden action, Kakashi looked up at her in wonder. "Sakura-"
"I'm ready. I need more of you."
He choked on his next words as she rolled against him, taking pleasure in the bite of his nails on her thighs. She lifted up onto her knees and aligned him to her entrance.
"Wait, I have a con-"
But she began to sink onto him, her head falling back as he stretched and filled her.
Kakashi hissed as she fully seated herself on him, her passage hugging him- soft, and warm, and heavenly.
Sakura put her hands on his chest and looked down at his face. "I told you I'd take care of it. I'm a kunoichi so…" She almost smiled at his puzzled expression and elaborated when his confusion didn't seem to pass. "I'm required to be on birth control."
Realization swept over his features and Sakura took it as her cue, lifting up and falling, enamored by the stroke of him against her walls.
She slowly worked her hips, following some unheard rhythm that only her body seemed to know. She sighed as she moved atop him, the friction of their bodies meeting made the heat spike in her. The primal need in her urged her on; she wanted more, needed more, and she found it as her tempo sped. Every glance of his length to that wondrous spot as she came down on him made her gasp. It filled the dark empty nothingness in her chest with something that promised to be amazing.
Kakashi watched her with awe from the flat of his back, teeth sunk into his lip as he gripped her hips. The way her stomach clenched, the bounce of her breasts, how her mouth moved into the shapes of mewls, and moans, and his name - he drank it all in. He was mesmerized by the woman riding his cock as if it was the only thing she needed to sustain herself. She drew in a stuttered breath, her pace faltering as he cupped a breast, rolling and pinching its nipple between deft fingers. His gaze drew to her face, watched as signs of pleasure contorted it. He slid his hands down to her thighs, now warmed and trembling as she started to move faster again.
Sakura's breathing became more shallow, her hands pressed firmly to his chest to keep her steady and upright. She could feel it, somewhere deep within, telling her she was so close yet so far away from what she craved the most. And unexpectedly, the demons rose, reminding her of how awful she was.
Look at you, you just put your mother in the ground and you're fucking your ex-sensei. Pathetic.
She grimaced as she came down on his length a little harder, chasing the bright pleasant hum that began to leave her.
Do you feel better? she chastised herself. Do you think you deserve this? Did you think you could feel that dark void with his kiss, his touch, his cock, and feel better about your failures? You are disgusting.
Kakashi growled as Sakura's fluid movements turned hasty. Her hips pounded against his like a woman possessed. Her lips were pressed into a thin line, concentration replaced bliss on her features and if she didn't slow down…
"Sakura… slow… you're gonna make me come if you don't slow down," he bit out between heavy breaths.
But she wasn't listening or hadn't heard him. She was no longer in the present with him. He reached up, pulled her down by her biceps, and wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her, insistent and demanding for entrance with his tongue. Sakura granted him access, their position no longer allowing her to impale herself so hard, so deeply on him.
The same frenzied desperation was in her kiss, as she devoured his mouth, silently pleading to just make it all disappear. But Kakashi wasn't going to let her get lost again, not like that. A hand skimmed up her back and threaded into her hair, his caress gentle as he held her there, not giving in to her frantic pace. The tease of his tongue against hers was slow, pushing the fervor of hers down until she was matching his.
Kakashi set his foot on the bed, and then with a push and a bridge of his body, he rolled them over. Sakura gasped as the kiss broke and she found herself in the new position, as he thrust gently inside her.
"You're thinking too much again," he murmured against her neck, his voice and breath equal parts ticklish and tantalizing on her skin. "Just let me."
He felt her nod, his nose brushing up her throat as his lips followed. Now that he had a moment to get her back into the right mindset, and back himself away from the edge, it became his focus to send her over it first.
Bracing his weight on his forearms, he continued to move, easing in and out of her with languid rocks of his hips.
She sighed against his ear, her fingers stroking through his hair as his movements ignited that spark inside her again. It laced up her spine and swelled in her chest, effectively shutting up that inner part of her that did nothing but berate her.
The slide of his body against hers came steadily, mimicked the steady drumming of her heart. He made no move to increase the pace of their union, even when she urged him to in breathy whimpers, her hands gripping the muscled expanse of his buttocks.
Kakashi refrained from pounding into her, even though she felt exquisite and the most primal of his inner monsters demanded it. It'd be so easy to lose himself, but he was supposed to be the one with the compass. He kissed her, swallowing her sighs and savoring the feel of her lips until it burned.
When he broke from her, he pulled back and met her gaze, twin pools heavy with desire - the depth of sadness momentarily gone.
Sakura grumbled as he slowed to a stop, but then he was lifting up onto his hands and giving himself some leverage with his knees. When he thrust again, he went deeper, forcing a cry of wonder from her mouth. He rocked into her again and again, spellbound by the shapes of her lips and the delicious sounds that tumbled from them.
Kakashi was amazing; every part of her that he touched sang his name. The way he kissed her, caressed her, and filled her, it was like being worshiped. He was all she could see and feel. In this moment he was all consuming, and it wasn't enough.
"More... Kakashi... Oh!"
Her back arched and he leant down, skimming his lips across her skin covered in a light sheen of sweat. His touch coasted down the length of her body, curving around the back of her knee before he hiked her leg up. He slid his arm behind it and simultaneously raised and pushed it back to where the heel of her foot bounced against his shoulder as he thrust into her again.
Sakura cried out at the change of sensation. It felt like he was reaching farther, like she was more full, and every slide along her passage, every tap against that deep spot and had her trembling. She fell into his rhythm, rocking the best she could in time to his pistoning hips and clutching onto his arm for support.
Kakashi clenched his jaw, focusing on anything else besides the ball of pleasure at the base of his spine growing with every thrust, every squeeze of her fingers and breathy moan that puffed out against his skin. He was feeling so close to his end already, but he wouldn't go without her.
With one arm taking his weight, he fit his other hand between their bodies and pressed to her clit. Sakura whimpered as his touch sent a pulse of warm, spine-tingling pleasure through her body. Each circling pass of his fingers lifted her higher. Her heart hammered against her chest, beating the ache away to the darkest of corners, but not before it raged against her again.
How could you do this to yourself? This feeling won't last, your parents are still dead, and all you've done is prove how worthless you are.
"Sakura?"
Kakashi's voice pulled her back in. She hated how gentle and worried it sounded. She let herself moan again, tuned in to the feel of his length rushing in and out of her.
"I'm so close," she murmured, jolting at the sweep of his fingers as her arms reached back to clutch the pillow.
And it wasn't a lie. She could feel that coil tightening low in her belly and the dual sensation of him wound it tighter and tighter. There was no going back. And here on the precipice, so close to falling into what she had craved, she wondered if maybe this had been a mistake after all.
But Kakashi's hips drove into her, evacuating all thoughts and left her only to feel. And it was far too much to take, knowing deep inside her heart she should be broken and miserable. Yet she was on the verge of euphoria. Each breath came accentuated with a moan, with tiny incoherent pleas for just a little more.
Just a little...
Her arms fell slack as she pushed her head back, her body arching. She crushed the back of her hand to her mouth, biting it to muffle the sounds she didn't seem to have control over any longer.
"No… let me hear you."
Kakashi's voice had never sounded as sexy as that before, low and gravelly, broken by the force of his movements. Tossing her forearm across her eyes, she complied, her body swayed by his to follow even the unheard commands. There was urgency in his hips, and each snap of them plucked at the thread she was hanging by.
"I.. I-ah! I'm… com-ing!"
Guilt crashed into Sakura, swirling in with the waves of orgasmic bliss as her body shook.
Kakashi didn't know how much more he had left in him before she declared she was reaching her end. And when her body went taut and that strangled cry of release burst from her lips, she looked absolutely glorious.
He could feel her body spasming, the tremors that spread through her legs and torso, and squeezed his cock in waves. He closed his eyes as his rhythm faltered and increased, as he chased after her. With her moans in his ears and a few more jerky thrusts, he came. He snapped his body to hers, grinding against her as the sharp pulse of orgasm swept over him.
The world slowly came back to him, and then became clear all at once. He eased her foot from his shoulder, placing tender kisses to her calf before sliding her leg back down to his bed. The blood rushed in his ears, his chest heaving with each greedy breath. He kissed her chest, her neck, still aware of her trembling and coming back to herself. But when he noticed the quivering of her chin, he knew something was still wrong. Had he failed her again?
"Sakura-" He reached for her arm, but as soon as he touched her she jumped. "Sakura."
"Don't... please…"
His brow furrowed in concern at the sadness that resonated in her voice. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her arm away; she didn't put up a fight.
Her eyes swam with unshed tears and his gaze softened as he lowered himself to her. He brushed the side of her face with his fingers. "It's okay."
Sakura closed her eyes, pushing the tears out as he kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry."
He rolled them onto their sides, slipping out from her in the process, and wrapped his arms around her. "You're going to be okay," he assured her.
He held her until her sadness no longer shook her and her soft sobs turned into light sniffles. He disentangled himself from her and went to the bathroom. When he returned, he had some tissue and a damp washcloth. "There's a dry shirt in there for you."
Sakura smiled at the gesture, breaking the downward pull of her lips. "Thank you."
Kakashi watched her go and as soon as the door shut, he dropped his head into his hands. What in the hell had they just done?