This ficlet takes place on the summer between Lily and Severus's fifth and sixth year, making them sixteen at the time.
""
"Do you know what friendship is?' he asked.
'Yes,' replied the gypsy; 'it is to be brother and sister; two souls which touch without mingling, two fingers on one hand.'
'And love?' pursued Gringoire.
'Oh! love!' said she, and her voice trembled, and her eye beamed. 'That is to be two and to be but one. A man and a woman mingled into one angel. It is heaven."
-Victor Hugo, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"
""
Alice was hanging halfway off the bed, laying on her belly and reading the magazine on the floor in front of her, swinging her legs leisurely. Lily was bored; she'd read the magazine before, and whenever Alice read out loud something she found interesting, Lily became even more bored still. Mostly Alice just found the unmoving images funny, and a little unnerving sometimes. She'd never been to a Muggle home before. Lily yawned.
"Say, Alice", Lily started and jumped on the bed next to her, determined to come up with something more interesting to talk about. "Have you done it with Frank yet?"
Alice stared at a picture of a woman wearing a mustard-yellow ensemble, and didn't bat an eye, but Lily thought her cheeks turned a little pinkish.
"Yes."
"Ooh! Then why are you still reading that old thing? Tell me!" Lily said and flipped Alice's magazine closed. She sounded excited but felt a stab of something like panic.
Am I really the last virgin in the dormitory now? Oh, no. I'll have to get rid of it. Before the summer is over. Promise.
...Wait... summer's over in two week. And who am I going to do it with anyway? There's only Muggles here!
"Uhh... privacy, please, Lily?" Alice said and now she was definitely embarrassed. "I don't want to share everything... you know – it'd be really awkward for Frank."
"You prude", Lily said and pouted. "Did it hurt?"
"Yeah. It felt like shit the first two times", Alice confessed and turned to look at her. "You still haven't done it with anyone?"
"No", Lily confessed. "Last virgin of the dormitory, a right nun actually - oh the horror..."
Alice poked at her side. "You're so immature; you should wait, you know. Or else you'll get taken advantage of by some old geezer with a twirly moustache who's looking to steal your innocence. Or, you know, James Potter."
"Fat chance – I don't like moustaches. Or James Potter for that matter. And I am not immature!" Lily said, pretending to be horrified at the mere suggestion. "I'm older than you!"
"By four weeks", Alice laughed.
Lily turned on her back and stared at the slanted ceiling pensively.
"Wasn't it really weird to see him naked though?" She made a face. "Since you've known each other for so long and all. You've known him during all his awkward, shorter-than-you years. And even when he had that awful chamberpot-shaped hairdo."
Lily giggled and poked at Alice; Alice giggled too.
"No, it wasn't weird at all – chamberpot-shaped hair aside – and stop laughing, Lily -", Alice laughed and covered her mouth with her hand. "- we haven't known each other for that long, only for like five years. That's not nearly enough time to grow up like a brother and sister. You know - like you and Severus Snape did."
Lily stopped laughing.
"'Like a brother and sister?''" She asked in a disgusted tone and turned towards Alice. "Like... like Sev and me?"
Alice turned to look at her, surprised. "Right?"
Lily stared at her. "What do you mean?"
Alice raised an eyebrow. "Uhh... you know."
Lily continued to stare. "Uhh... I don't know, actually."
Alice seemed to think very hard what to say.
"I'm sorry", she finally said. "It's just that... you know. You've known each other for ages... it'd be natural if... and that one time at the Quidditch game, for instance..."
"What time?" Lily asked, puzzled.
"Before you got into the row... you know? Last game of the season? You were cold and you sort of snuggled up against him and put your hands under his robes..." Alice said quickly and looked embarrassed.
"Uh... yeah?"
"It just sort of looked like... well, like you were either just about to give him the most public hand-job the school's ever seen - or your relationship was just so asexual you could get away with something like that... and then you went and started flirting with Grover, so..." Alice's voice trailed as Lily continued to stare at her. "Right?"
"Right", Lily said and flipped open the magazine, her heart beating very quickly. "Right. Brother sister thing. Yeah."
What the hell? I don't feel like Sev's my brother at all! Yuck!
"Speaking of which – have you spoken with him after the row? Must miss him", Alice jabbed at her side and winked knowingly. "Especially since your sister is such a bitch."
"I know, right", Lily said and tried not to mind that Sev was presented as an alternative to her sister. "And no – I haven't. He can sod off for all I care. I'm so done with him."
"Oh", Alice said and actually sounded like she was sorry. "Okay."
They were silent for a while; Alice got up and went to the dresser and started trying on Lily's makeup. Most of it looked horrid against her skin tone. Lily continued to browse the magazine's pages, without seeing any of it.
"You know, I get that you're mad at him, but why are you punishing him so harshly?" Alice suddenly asked her. "I mean, you know he doesn't actually think any less of you because you're Muggleborn. And you were shunning him already before. You've never walked out of an exam with us before."
"Why are you defending him all of a sudden?" Lily asked defensively and hurled the magazine away. "He called me a you-know-what!"
Alice hesitated and her mirror reflection stared at Lily. "Yeah... but like I said, it's not like he meant it, not really. And sisters and brothers insult each other all the time, doesn't mean the arguments last forever. I should know – I have two brothers."
"Stop calling him my brother!" Lily snapped. "'Cause he's not! He's just some random bloke I used to play with and who thinks I'm Mudblood trash!"
She couldn't help the angry tears rising to her eyes. Alice turned around on the stool.
"Sorry... I didn't mean to upset you", she said a little helplessly. "I just thought that maybe you were too proud to admit that you miss him."
"I do! I do miss him", Lily said angrily. "But I can't let him get away with it, I just can't – he always hurts me! He's such a tosser! He never stands up for me when I need him to!"
"But you know his Slytherin friends", Alice said. "And I'm not defending what he said to you, so shut up – I'm just saying that you know he'd become outcast in his own House if he publicly took your side..."
"But I'm his friend!" Lily said angrily. "I should come first - not some bloody... bloody Slytherins!"
"But they're his friends, too", Alice said patiently.
"Yeah, but I'm his – I'm his..." Lily tried to find the words. "I'm his special friend."
Alice stared at her. Then she burst out laughing. Lily grabbed the magazine and hurled it across the room to her friend.
"Stop laughing! It's not funny!" She snapped. "You're horrible, Alice! You're so irritating I could smack you!"
"Ooh... Lily! You have gravely insulted me! I must end our friendship now... " Alice pretended to dramatically clutch her chest and covered her forehead with her hand, her eyes fluttering closed. "I'm sorry – I simply cannot forgive you... goodbye, old friend, forever..!"
Lily scrambled up the bed.
"I'm going for a walk, you idiot", she muttered. She could still hear Mary laughing as she fled the room and stomped down the stairs.
It was a pleasant and sunny August day, but Lily would've preferred it to be a dark and nasty October day instead – it would've made her brooding so much more impressive. She actually felt a little silly as she fumed along the streets while other people lazily passed her by, happily licking their ice creams and holding hands and carrying beach bags. She didn't really know why she had gotten so irritated at Alice – but how dare she make a joke out of one of the worst experiences of her life! And Sev was not her brother, and that meant – that meant she had no obligation whatsoever to make up with him!
She found herself by the river, angrily stomping in the leafy foliage which clung to her hair and shirt. She was covered in grabby thistles by the time she made it out of the bushes and leaped to the opening by the river.
"Shit", she cussed as she inspected her shirt and tried to pull the thistle needles and round unbroken thistles off her cleavage. "Oh, fuck."
A rustling sound made Lily raise her head from her boobs. Her heart leaped as she saw Sev, frozen halfway from getting up the ground in an apparent failed attempt to silently flee the opening where he'd been reading some book.
"Uhh..." he said and swallowed. His eyes quickly passed over Lily's cleavage and then moved back to her eyes. She pursed her lips and tossed the handful of thistles angrily on the ground.
"You!" She said accusingly. "Do you think I'm - that I was like a sister to you?"
Sev looked as though he was trying to breathe underwater; his face turned redder than Lily had ever seen as he tried to find words. He pushed his hair out of his eyes.
"I-is there a correct answer to this?" He asked, sounding hesitant and almost pleading. "Are you going to not talk to me again if I answer wrong?"
Lily pursed her lips. "I don't know. Why don't you try me."
Sev ran his hand through his hair again. He seemed to be thinking very hard; Lily could practically see the wheels turning in his head.
"Well?" Lily pressured him. "It's a simple enough question! Yes or no?"
"No", Sev said quickly and swallowed again.
"What do you think I am- was to you then?" Lily asked.
Sev looked almost desperate. He let the book he'd been fondling in his lap fall on the ground and slumped back down.
"What I think you are to me..." he mumbled and avoided her eyes. Lily stared at him oppressingly, but felt her heart humming quicker than usual in her chest.
"Yeah?"
"Um... you're my... special... friend?" Sev sounded inquisitive; his eyes flickered in hers.
Lily clapped her hands together. "I know, right! That's what I tried to tell Alice! She seemed to think it'd be natural for us to be like a brother and sister 'cause we've known one another for ages..."
"Really?" Sev asked in a disgusted tone. "Wait... do you think of me like... like I'm a brother to you?"
His eyes flickered in hers again, and he bit his lip.
"Yuck – no", Lily said and made a face.
Sev made a weird sound in the back of his throat. Lily looked at him.
"What?"
"It's just... what do you think... that I am to you?" He asked tentatively, and pretended to be very interested in the back of his book.
Lily crossed her arms. "Nothing, you prick. I'm still mad at you."
And she turned on her heels, ready to walk back into the bushes.
"Wait!" Sev called after her, and his voice was a little panicky. Lily couldn't help but to smile towards the bushes, just a little. Then she turned towards Sev with a straight face, hands still crossed, and fixed him a glare. He had gotten up and had extended his hand, as though trying to grab her even though he never would've been able to reach her from where he was standing.
"Just wait, please, Lily", he said, sounding anxious. "Please stay."
"Why?" She asked him.
"Because I haven't spoken to you in ages... and I miss you, Lily", Sev said desperately. "Please stay, please, just for a little while."
Lily warred with herself. She wanted to stay, wanted to tell him she'd missed him too – but she also sort of wanted to storm off dramatically, because there was something she needed from Sev which she still hadn't gotten, and that something wasn't him telling her he missed her, or that he was sorry he'd been an idiot... finally she shrugged, trying to look casual.
"I guess I can stay a while", she said off-handedly and picked at a thistle needle off her shirt. Sev let his hand fall against his side and he took a deep breath.
"What are you reading?" Lily asked him, not coming up with anything else to say.
"Nothing", Sev said quickly. He had made a sudden, almost unnoticeable movement. Lily perked up immediately; it was his tell-tale sign that he was doing something she wouldn't approve of.
"What is it?" She demanded. "I know that look – you're hiding something!"
And she stared at Sev, who closed his eyes.
"Before you look at it, please, Lily, I want to say that it's just for educational -" Sev started, raising his hands in surrender. Lily stalked next to him and kicked at the book lying on the ground, revealing its covers.
"Brass to class? A study of Britain's blood purity throughout the history?", Lily spat out in disbelief, feeling her insides turn to lead. She had to swallow the lump in her throat as she turned to Sev, who looked like he'd been smacked in the face. "This is for educational purposes? Education where, exactly – Durmstrang?"
Sev didn't know what to say; he opened his mouth and closed it again.
"You're such a prick, Sev", Lily whispered, less forcefully than she'd hoped, blinking as she fought back tears. "Fine. I'll leave you to your bloody education, then."
"Lily! Wait! Please, please, please wait!" Sev shouted and grabbed her hand before she had the time to flee the scene. "Please – you have to listen... please!"
"I don't want to listen!" Lily hissed and felt tears pouring from her eyes as she tried to struggle against him. "Let me go, you wanker! I want to get away from you and all that horrible blood purity crap you're so in love with!"
"No – listen, Lily – listen - look, I'll get rid of it!" Sev said in desperation and grabbed the book without letting go of her arm. He pulled her with him towards the riverbank, while she hissed, cried and tried to claw her way out of his grip. Sev chugged the book in the river, where it plopped as it hit the surface, and sunk under water, leaving behind only ripples and bubbles. "See! I don't need it! Out, done, gone – please, Lily! I don't need books like that! You're right – it's horrible! All that blood crap – it's just that, crap! I don't care about your blood – I just care about you!"
Lily slumped on the ground and cried. She missed him so much it hurt, and she also felt ridiculous for wanting to believe him. Sev kneeled next to her and loosened his almost painful grip a little, but didn't let go of her arm.
"You hear me, Lily?" He said. "I just care about you. Just you."
"You don't care about me enough", Lily cried, wiping her face. "You care about your Slytherin friends and about pretending to be pureblood to impress them... and you think I'm beneath you!"
"I don't think you're beneath me", Sev said, sounding unhappy. He loosened his grip on Lily's arm and took her hand into both of his hands instead. "I don't. I never have. I think you're better than me, much better at everything. Well, except Potions, but even there it's a tie. Okay? And I don't give a toss about anyone in Slytherin. They're just a bunch of inbred, rich children who think their fathers are much more impressive than they actually are."
Lily sniffed and turned her head away from him. Sev squeezed her hand briefly. They were silent for a while. Sev shifted a little, came to sit on the grass next to her.
"And I do care about you", he continued slowly. "More than you could ever imagine."
"Come off it", Lily whispered. "You never would have called me a you-know-what if you cared about me."
"I was such a tosser, I know", Sev said apologetically. "I'm sorry. But... you know, you just called me a wanker, and I think you still... maybe... care about me?"
"That's different!" Lily hissed. "I can't help it that I'm Muggleborn, and still you took and used it against me, when I was trying to help you!"
Sev wrapped his fingers around her fingers. "Well... I can't help it that I'm a wanker, either. I just am."
Lily turned to look at him for the first time. His eyes were dark and serious as he gazed at her; he didn't look amused at all.
"I'm insensitive, and I lash out when I'm anxious, scared or jealous", Sev continued slowly, still looking at her with those beautiful dark eyes of his. He was caressing Lily's fingers with his. "And I'm really petty, and I hate it when you beat me at Wizard Chess. And I'm awful with apologies, too."
Lily sniffed and wiped her eyes in her shirt. "Well... sounds to me like you're improving at least in that department", she muttered. Something resembling a smile passed on Sev's face.
"I'm not, really. But I'm not trying to apologise. I'm just trying to make you understand..." he hesitated for a while. "The thing is, that I... well, you know."
He seemed to lose his nerve. Lily eyed him for a long time.
"I don't know. What?" She asked him. To her surprise he blushed, and blinked rapidly, averting his eyes.
"Shit... okay. Okay", Sev took a deep breath and stared at their joined hands. "The thing is, Lily... and please don't run away when I say this, because I swear I will jump into that river and kill myself if you do... but..."
"Yeah?" Lily asked him, and her heart was drumming in her chest like never before. Sev closed his eyes and took a very deep breath. Then he opened his eyes.
"The thing is, Lily, that I simply fucking love you", he said very quickly. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, shit. I didn't mean to say 'fucking' love you. I meant to say it, like... you know, that... I just love you..."
Lily stared at him as his voice trailed.
"You... what?" She asked him, and her voice sounded like it was coming from somewhere far away. "Sorry... what did you say?"
Sev stared at her. He cleared his throat and looked terribly uncomfortable.
"I said that I love you", he finally said and averted his eyes. "Not... you know... not like a sister. No – no, hell no. But you know, in the way that I think of you a lot when I'm alone. And when I'm with other people, too. But I... perfectly understand if you don't..."
"Umm..." Lily said uncertainly. "I don't know what to say first..."
"It's all right – you don't have to say anything", Sev said and went pale, looking terribly unhappy. "Actually, please don't say anything. As I said about the river... I think I'll drown myself there if... if you say what I feel you're going to say."
"What... that I want you to stop your rambling - and that I love you, too?" Lily asked him.
"You – what?" Sev asked her, his eyes wild and his mouth ajar. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that - what did you say?"
Lily felt her face turn red; her hands turned clammy in Sev's hands. "I said that I want you to shut up - and that I love you, too."
Sev blinked and seemed to think hard. When he opened his mouth, he sounded hesitant. "You mean... you love me... but... not like a brother?"
"Eww, no. Oh, no, wait - I mean yes."
Sev stared. "Which one is it, for fuck's sake?!"
"I love you!" Lily shouted desperately and squeezed his hands in hers. "I love you, you plonker – I love you as if in I want us to kiss and take off our clothes and shag until I can't walk sort of way - in a perfectly non-creepy, non-sisterly sort of way!"
She had barely had the time to get the words out of her mouth when Sev's mouth crashed onto hers. He was so eager she almost fell on her back; he let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her midriff. It took Lily a second to realise what was happening; then she pulled him on top of her and they both crashed on the ground. In that tangle of eager hands and sloppy kisses and limbs Lily managed to just pull her top off. Sev gaped at her naked chest, speechless.
"You are in luck, Sev", Lily said and grinned as she started tearing his shirt over his head. "I just realised today that I really want to lose my virginity."
Sev made a whimpering sound in the back of his throat, and Lily pulled him back on top of her. Sev gave her the wettest, most thorough snog of her life. Then he grinned against her lips.
"Now you're finally beneath me", he whispered against her mouth rather cheekily, before Lily pulled his lips tighter against hers.
OooOoOo
Credit to hidden-muse-989 whom reviewed another story of mine, and as I replied, this ficlet abruptly popped into my head :) thanks!