Title: He's Not Right For You (But I Know Someone Who Is)
Category: Glee
Genre: Humor/Friendship/Romance
Ship: Puck/Rachel, Santana/Brittany
Rating: Teen
Prompt: "George is not a sexy name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during climax." by shaesweetie – puckrachel drabble meme (part 8)
Word Count: 3,001
Summary: "I don't wanna get pro-hetero on you, but… You and Puck make sense…"
He's Not Right For You (But I Know Someone Who Is)
-1/1-
"I've decided I'm ready to lose my virginity," Rachel announced as her greeting, stepping through the bedroom door with a very serious expression across her face.
To her credit, Santana hardly reacted. Tossing her Cosmo away, she rolled onto her side and quirked a brow at her friend; a recent, and so far good, development. "All right, but let's make it quick… Jersey Shore is on tonight and you know I like my girl Sammi…"
Rachel's brows furrowed in confusion before she realized just what it was Santana was proposing. "I didn't mean with you…" Hastily, she added, "Not that it wouldn't be a truly lovely experience or anything."
Snorting, Santana threw her legs over the side of her bed and sat up. "I was kidding, but whatever." She leaned back on her hands and lifted a shoulder. "So? Who's the lucky idiot?"
Moving further into the room, Rachel crossed to take a seat at Santana's desk. "Well, it's obvious, isn't it?"
Inspecting her nails, she frowned and looked over. "Uh, since you're currently single, no, can't say it is…"
"Unattached," she corrected.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Babe, you're single… Putting a fancy name on it doesn't change anything."
Frowning, she smoothed out imaginary wrinkles in her skirt. "Please don't call me that… Noah calls me that."
"What…? Babe?" She smirked slowly. "So what? I'm not allowed to call you anything Precious Puck calls you…?" She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Let's see… That leaves out Princess… and Berry… and Jew-Jew-B… and oh, who could forget the very flattering two-for-one deal Berry-Babe…" She blinked at her. "And, you know, occasionally, he even calls you Rachel, so what's that leave for the rest of us?"
"Don't be ridiculous! You can call me Rachel… Or Rach…" She smiled. "Or even Ray, if you'd prefer."
"What about Rabies? Y'know, like a combination of Ray and B, from Berry… Rabies…" She smirked, nodding. "I like it."
Rachel's face fell. "I really don't think—"
She laughed. "You're way too easy…" With an amused sigh, she sat back against her pillows. "Which is why I guess you're here… So you're ready to cash in the big V-card…" Her eyes flashed with teasing. "'Bout time."
Rolling her eyes, Rachel scoffed. "Excuse me if I wanted to wait until I felt I was ready to experience something so intimate…" She cast her eyes over to her friend and chewed her lip. "Do you think Finn will agree?"
Immediately, Santana's good mood slipped away. "Finn," she repeated in a snarl. "You want Hudson to be the guy you get down with after hugging your chastity belt so tight for so long?" She shook her head, disgusted. "Has being my friend taught you nothing, Berry?"
Pouting, Rachel looked away, playing with a pencil on the desk. "We've been friends for a total of two months, Santana… To be completely honest, I'm still waiting for the bottom to fall out and you to put the final touches on your epic senior year prank…" She shrugged. "Still, you're one of the few girlfriends I have and I thought who better to talk to than somebody who had as much sexual expertise as you…" She raised a naïve brow. "Since you actually did sleep with Finn, I have to assume that it isn't as repulsive to you as you seem to be projecting at the moment."
"Okay, how many times do I have to say pyramid nipples before somebody realizes how lesbionic I am?" She raised her brows seriously. "I like boobs!" She shrugged her shoulders high. "If I could erase the white fleshy image of Finn Hudson from my mind, I would! But I can't… And you actually thinking about spreading your Fort Knox legs for him gives me heaves!" She held out her arms, which were completely spotless, and said, with all dramatics, "I'm breaking out!"
Rachel huffed, rolling her eyes. "I fear I've impacted you more than you'd like…"
"Don't change the subject!" Santana half-yelled, shaking her head. "You can't lose it to Finn! I won't let you!"
Furrowing her brows, she sighed, informing her, "While I appreciate your input… You can't stop me from sharing my virginity with Finn…" She raised her chin stubbornly. "I've made up my mind."
"No, you haven't… If you had, you wouldn't be here telling me about it." She shook her head. "You'd be over at Hudson's place laying out all the dirty, or in your case really, really clean details about how you'll get together and do it to some clichéd soundtrack you burned yourself just for the fucking occasion!" She stared at her with wide, knowing eyes. "I don't know if you want my blessing or—or if you want me to tell you that it's okay, but I won't!"
Deflated, Rachel peered at her sadly. "Santana… This is a very serious decision I've made… And I don't have a mother I can talk to about it, so I need you to support me!" She stood up and moved over to sit next to her on the bed. "I know Finn isn't your first choice…" She half-smiled teasingly. "But then, anybody with a penis probably isn't your first choice…"
Santana snorted, smiling despite herself.
"But I want to do this… I'm ready to do this…" she told her imploringly.
"Okay…" She sighed, reaching over and taking Rachel's hand. "Okay, I get that… I get that you're feeling empowered and ready and you want it to be special or magical or whatever, but… If you're going to do it that way, if you want to have that totally romantic, completely unforgettable experience, then Rachel… seriously… Pick the right guy this time!"
She frowned. "I'm not sure I know what you mean…"
Licking her lips, Santana inhaled deeply. "He's gonna kill me," she muttered under her breath. Turning so she was facing her better, she held tight to Rachel's hand. "I get that you think the sun shines out of Finn's white, pasty ass… I get that somehow, in your mixed up head, Finn is some weird version of Prince Charming… But just, for everybody's sake, try to give it some real thought… Who, of every guy you know, really makes you feel good? Not—Not just physically… Like I'm not talking just about chemistry, but… Who makes you feel better when you're down? Or puts you before his reputation? Or—Or, even better, who supports you and New York and all those crazy big dreams of yours?" She stared at her searchingly. "And if you say Finn... I swear…" she growled.
Rachel blinked quickly and then, in a soft, worried voice, she asked, "Santana, why are you asking me this?"
"Why?" she laughed. "Because Finn is not a sexy name!" She shook her head seriously. "Finn is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during climax..."
Rachel blinked rapidly, chin turned down. "Is that all? You don't like his name…?"
"No…" Santana turned, wrapping an arm around Rachel's shoulders and then shrugging a little. "Because I don't want you to make the same mistake I did…"
Looking over, she quirked a brow wonderingly. "What? You mean when you slept with Finn?"
"No. Well, yeah, but…" She smiled dismissively. "I mean having sex with a guy I didn't, y'know, love or whatever…" She rolled her eyes. "I guess, I mean if I had really waited for love, it would've been with Brittany and not a guy at all, but… You know what I mean."
"But… I love Finn," Rachel told her, confused.
"No, babe… You really don't," she told her.
Sitting up straighter, annoyed, Rachel shook her head. "I think I know what I feel, Santana! They are my feelings!"
Santana stared at her a long second and then raised a dark, manicured brow. "When I asked you to think of who makes you feel good… Who did you think of?"
Evasively, Rachel turned her head away, chewing her lip. "I don't see how that has any bearing on my decision." She stood up abruptly. "He's my friend… Of course he makes me feel good…"
"He turns you on too," she told her knowingly.
Blushing, Rachel sent a glare in her direction.
"Hey!" She held her hands up defensively. "I didn't make you hot for him."
"I am not hot for…" She huffed. "This is pointless! I've already made my decision! I'm going to ask Finn if he'll be my first and it will be… It'll be beautiful!"
"It'll be uncomfortable and messy and incredibly awkward," Santana corrected. "You can light all the candles you want, put on every cheesy love song you can find, but it's not going to be anything but disappointing…"
Hurt, Rachel stared at her sadly. "Really?"
Santana stood up, hands on her hips. "Look, I'm not trying to scare you or take away how big this is or whatever, but…" She shook her head. "You're going into it with a guy who's only ever been with one girl… And he fumbled it, badly…" She shrugged. "What you need is somebody you trust… Somebody with experience and…" She smirked. "Look, I'm not saying I'd trade Brittany in for Puck, but he has a way in the bedroom, all right?"
Rachel hugged herself. "Yes, as I'm sure most of the women in Lima know…"
"So he has a reputation…" Santana wiggled her eyebrows. "So do I and you're still my friend."
"Your friend, yes, but I can't say I'd share any intimacies with you unless you were seriously tested… And, well, if I was actually interested in women…"
She rolled her eyes. "So you tell Puck to get tested… If you tell him he has a chance of getting you into bed, he'll run to the doctor's!" She raised her brows up high for emphasis. "Seriously… He'd even bring you with to prove it was all legit…"
Rachel was still doubtful, chewing her lip and playing with the hem of her animal sweater. "I can't… I can't have sex with Noah Puckerman," she said, whispering it like there were people around listening in.
Santana laughed at her.
Flushing, Rachel started for the door.
"No, no, wait…" Santana headed her off, holding her hands up apologetically. "Okay, here's the thing, hear me out…" Taking her hand, she dragged her back to the bed. Plopping down next to each other, Santana shifted so she was facing her again, her leg curled up on the mattress between them. "All right, look… What you want, like really want… is to make love to someone… Or be made love to, whichever." She waved a hand dismissively. "You aren't going to get that with Finn…"
"But, why not?" she wondered.
"Because…" She winced, knowing Rachel wasn't going to appreciate what she had to say. "He doesn't love you, Rachel… Well, no, wait, I mean… He loves you, he just… doesn't… He's not… in love with you… You know?"
"I… He…" She struggled for a reply, brow furrowed. "But…"
Santana shook her head. "It's okay, though… Seriously, 'cause, well…" She stared at her earnestly. "Puck does," she finally blurted.
Rachel blinked. "Wh-What?"
"Well, actually, I guess Noah does…" Her brows furrowed. "Either way, you've got that guy like all turned around… And not just in a 'wanna get in your panties' kind of way either… Like, he's grown up! No more cougars or slushees or throwing kids in dumpsters… Well, except Ben-Israel, that freak still gets tossed in every time he tries to sneak a peek under your skirt…" She shrugged. "The point is… Puck's crazy about you and…" She stared at her. "You're kind of crazy about him…"
"I… We… You…" She started hyperventilating.
Sighing, Santana rubbed her back. "You want some water?"
Rachel nodded hastily.
She went to grab a bottle out of her mini-fridge and then plopped down beside her again, unscrewing the cap and handing it over. "So… You wanna make a pro and con list for whether to bone Puck?" she asked, trying to cheer her up.
Rachel looked at her and suddenly started laughing. Hysterically. To the point she was nearly crying.
"Okay… More water then…" She reached over and tipped the bottle nearer to Rachel's mouth.
"No, no, it's not…" Her giggling subsided and she was just sitting there, picking at the label on the bottle. "I am," she murmured.
Santana stared at her, a little confused.
Rachel looked up. "I am a little crazy about Noah… Maybe even a lot crazy about him…" She chewed her lip. "But Finn is so much easier to be infatuated with."
Santana stared at her like she was crazy. "Easier? Do I need to recap the last three years for you?"
She rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her water. "Okay," she said, licking her lips dry. "Maybe I meant familiar…"
"Familiar doesn't mean good, B…" She wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to her side. "You and Finn were a train wreck… A really fucked up one where a lot of people suffered… And if you try to put that back together, I'm going to shoot the conductor… Or blow up the tracks, whatever works for this metaphor, I don't fucking know…"
Amused, Rachel pursed her lips to keep from smiling.
"I don't wanna get pro-hetero on you, but… You and Puck make sense…" She looked over at her, brow raised. "He's my boy, you're my girl, you've got some serious steam between you and I'd totally buy the sex tape…" She grinned. "I say go for it!"
"Well, if I have your approval," she teased.
"One hundred percent," Santana told her seriously.
Rachel looked over. "You really think Noah and I—?"
"I know…" She stared at her. "He looks at you like I look at Brittany…"
Rachel obviously knew what she meant, because she shivered and bit her lip thoughtfully.
"But, you know what that means, right?" she asked, letting go of her and slapping a hand down on Rachel's thigh to get her point across.
Frowning, rubbing her sore leg, she replied, "No…"
Santana smirked. "Means you can't unlock the chastity belt just yet…" She rose from the bed. "Now you've gotta make him work for it!" She winked.
Rachel smiled slowly. "Well… That would make more sense… And it would be so much more special if we were engaging in a real relationship…"
"Yeah, sure…" Santana shrugged, fishing out her cell phone and typing out a text. "Plus, you can get Puck to take us out to BreadstiX tonight! I'll just DVR Jersey Shore…"
"Oh, that would be nice… Wait…" She frowned, raising a brow at Santana. "Why would I want our first date to include you…? No offense…"
Santana chuckled. "Call it a double date… That Puck's paying for." She turned her phone around to show Rachel her text…
What up puckerman? Just talked rachel into dating your lame ass! ;D You owe me and brit a thank you dinner! Double date at stix! 6 tonight. Your paying!
"Santana!" she cried, her eyes wide. "I wanted to slowly ease Noah into it… You know, giving him clues that my feelings had changed, perhaps with suggestive serenades, while waiting for him to gather up his courage and ask me on a date himself!"
She scoffed. "Why wait that long? You're ready for him to pop the Berry-cherry now, let's get this thing rolling!"
Rachel slapped a hand across her mortified face. "What is he going to think? I—"
She was cut off when Santana's phone rung with the tell-tale sign that she'd received a text message.
Rachel hurriedly joined her to peek over her shoulder and see what he'd replied.
No shit! 'stix at 6, I'm there… hey Rachel likes pink roses, right? And before you start stfu I'm not a pussy!
Santana laughed outright, her head falling back in amusement. "He's so gone for you…"
Rachel was grinning widely, and looked up at her with a face full of gratitude. "Thank you!" she said emotionally. Before Santana could stop her, she threw her arms around her in a hug. "You stopped me from making a huge mistake…"
With a defeated sigh, she patted her back. "Eh, it was average… Medium at best," Santana said, smirking.
It took a moment for her to clue in, but when she did, Rachel gaped. "Santana! That's—That's more than I ever needed to know!"
She snorted. "Hey, you were ready to bone him! You were going to see his dick eventually! And, okay, with your experience you wouldn't know, but just so you're up to date… Finn is medium and Puck…?" She smirked, raising a brow. "Way, way above average!" She winked, chuckling when Rachel was caught somewhere between interested and aghast.
"Now…" Santana walked to her closet. "Outfits…" She raised a brow and looked her up and down. "We'll keep it school-girl hot, but let's update the sweater, all right Polly Pocket?"
With an accepting roll of her eyes, Rachel met her at the closet. "I'm your canvas," she allowed.
Santana grinned at her over her shoulder. "This'll be good, y'know?" She nodded knowingly. "And now me and Britt have people we can double with that won't make me want to vomit on sight…" She rolled her eyes. "Mike and Tina eating each other's face for an hour straight? Totally not good double-date etiquette…"
"What makes you think Noah and I won't do the same?" she asked, amused.
"You talk too much," she said effortlessly. "Now strip down and see how this skirt looks on you…"
With a sigh, Rachel complied. Despite her lack of enthusiasm, Santana could read her and there was excitement vibrating in her smile. She was ready for this; ready for being with Puck. And if all turned out the way Santana wanted, Puck and Rachel would be her and Brittany's go to double-date couple for a long time to come.
And, of course, they were.
[End.]