Title: Feelings and Trust
Author: wiggle34
Rating: M
Disclaimer: McElroy Media own SP and all the characters
Summary: Set the end of the final episode and beyond.
Author's Notes: Story has not had a Beta go through it yet. But please feel free to inform of mistakes and I will happily correct them. Also please feel free to leave feedback. Thanks also to Compo for letting me bounce this off her with ideas
"There is only one person I could ever imagine marrying" Kate says to Mike. Mike is silent, struggling with his emotions. He looks away and swallows the lump that is in his throat before speaking to her
"Yeah. Me too," he replies. There is silence. Kate wants to run to his arms, but the look Mike is giving her is making her wonder what is wrong. She sees love along with something else, something she never seen before. The silence seems to last for ages, but only a minute or two passes before Mike speaks again.
"Sorry if this rude Kate, but I feel right now is not the time for us to be talking about this, about us. (Mike looks down, swallows that lump in his throat then looks up) It is good to know how you feel, but we've just lost Swain and you've just lost Jim. I think we need to have some time to grieve before we talk more about us because I have a number of questions that need answers. But they can wait. Right now we need to head off and remember two fine servicemen." Mike says, trying hard to keep his emotions under control. He turns to leave and hears Kate's sad voice.
"Mike, why can't we talk about it now?" Kate asked as he turned to face her again
"Kate, we are both grieving. We both have lost a crew member and I want whatever we say to each other to not be effect by the grief we are experience right now. (Mike swallows another lump that forms in his throat) and I also don't want it coming back to bite me later." Mike says as he then turns and walks straight out of the house and to his car. Kate follows out a few minutes later. The car ride to the port is in silence. They say nothing to each other.
After the service Mike heads off and boards a plane. He does not tell Kate where he is going. He wants some space to think to grieve in private. He feels that by staying here he won't be able to do that properly.
Three days pass without contact. No-one is home at his house and her calls go unanswered. She is worried about him. So she rings Maxine.
"Maxine White speaking."
"Commander White, Lieutenant McGregor speaking."
"How can I help you Kate?"
"Have you seen Mike? I am trying to finish off some paper work that needs his signature on it and drop off my reports off to him."
"Have you tried his mobile Kate?" Yes, I do know where he is right now, but it's not my place to tell you. Plus I don't want anything happening between the two of you.
"Yes. I've been trying for two days to reach him, even been to his place and there has been no one home."
"He said something about going away for a week or so. Kate, don't forget you and the crew are on leave for four weeks following the events of last week. Everyone will need to deal with the effects in their own way. If you want, bring the reports to me and I will make sure they get signed."
"Thank you Ma'am" Kate sounds disheartened
"Kate everything ok?" Maxine asks noticing the sound of her voice when she responded then.
"I will be fine Ma'am."
"Kate, I was told by Mike that you were close to Jim and Chris. Go talk to someone about it. It will help and take that from someone who has experienced it before. It is not easy losing a loved one, no matter how it happens."
"Will do Ma'am and thank you."
"No problem Kate, I better go back to work. Bye Kate."
"Bye Commander White." Kate hangs up the phone.
He is making sure this is done on his terms. He's not even around so we can at least try and be friends. And try and talk about everything.
Sydney
Mike is staying with his parents, arriving the day after Swain and Jim's service. He is very withdrawn. He told Maxine where he was going. She is the only one who knows where he is.
Mike is sitting on the floor with his back up against the bed. He should be in bed sleeping but he just can't sleep so much is going through his brain right now.
I needed to get away from it all. I need to be able to think clearly.
Swain was such a good friend. A great sailor and he was part of the family we have on Hammersley. At least he died doing what he loved. And thank god Sally and Chloe did not have to watch him die. He was one fine sailor and it was such an honour sailing with him.
Kate, where do I start?
How do I work out what to do?
I love her and I did want to marry her, and only her. But can I trust with my heart again?
Can I trust her enough to let her in again?
Would she leave me again? Mike has a few tears coming down his face. He is shaking his head.
She said that after trying on a dress she knew she could not marry Jim and that it was me. But surely if that was true she would have known from the start when he asked her? Or was it to make me feel better?
Am I the rebound guy? The one she can now have because she can no longer have Jim, so she decides she will have me instead?
Can I allow her to do this to my heart?
She refuses to tell me why we broke up? Well, she told Dutchy she broke it off to try and protect my career. She seems to think it is the most important thing in my life. God, why can she talk to Dutchy and not me? Why can't she tell me this? I could have explained to her (that) before she broke it off that she means more to me than my career.
But now can I risk it for her?
God, I have no idea what to do.
I love her, and I do want to be with her. Wrap my arms around her and tell it will all be ok. Wake up to her by my side in the mornings, be the mother to my children.
Mike, stop thinking like that. She hurt you; you can't just go jumping straight back into bed with her. It will lead to more heartache for you. You need to figure out what is going on with her and then decide if it is worth trusting her again with your heart. And whether she is prepared to earn that trust again from you. Remember all the doubts you had after you got posted to Navcom and then back to Hammersley.
How the first date never happened because she did not like what you had become, because of your job. Can she handle that if you went back to ashore posting? She kept pushing for me to leave Hammersley but not once did she consider maybe transferring herself, it was all on me. I did not just have a multi-million dollar warship to consider, but also the crew that was on board. You can't just put anyone in that position. I remember the looks she used to give Dutchy at times. Whenever he took his shirt off. All the women on board would stare at him, even Kate. How is that meant to help me fight back my fears that she will just up and leave when I get too old for her? Or when some hotter looking sailor comes around, will she leave me for them?
God, am I ever going to be able to get through this? If this was work related it be far too easy to answer. Come work. she is brilliant; the best damn executive officer you could get. But come our personal life, a totally different kettle of fish.
She calls the damn shots. Everything has to be on her bloody terms. God, I hate that. What about me and my bloody terms or my bloody feelings. Surely parading Jim around in front of me, she would have known it was going to bloody well hit a sore spot. That it would tear me apart inside even more than I already was. I tried to fight, to find out what went wrong so I could fix it, but if she refuses to tell me then how am I meant to know what to do to get her back? How do I know what she told Dutchy is correct. It could just be a cover up for "Well Dutchy, I love Jim more than Mike and when Jim showed up again after three years I just had to have him back". That is not going to look good coming from a senior officer of the RAN is it?
Why didn't I do something right at the start so she never had or been able to step foot on Hammersley. Or at least not onto the new Hammersley. Yeah right Mike, by then you were caught hook, line and sinker again. Ursula was to try and distract yourself from Kate. And that did not work at all did it? Kate got shot and all you wanted to do was put your arms around her and kiss her; to tell her that it will all be fine and that you would take care of her.
How stupid could you be, Michael Flynn? Falling for your student and then your executive officer? That is why the rules are there, to stop these stupid things from happening.
Sometimes I wish we had never met. Sometimes I wished I had never left her ten years ago.
Mike is away with his thoughts and does not realise he is crying. His mother hears him and comes into the room. He does not even register her sitting down beside him till her arm goes around his shoulders and she pulls him towards her.
Mike just keeps on crying. His mother sits there giving Mike comfort, like mothers do.
"Just let it all out honey," Mike's mother says to him.
Over the next three weeks, Mike enjoys some time with his family. He also keeps up his fitness by running twice a day, finding that the running is helping him process things. He often thinks about Kate and how to go about sorting out what is going on. He has a few more unexpected crying episodes late at night that his mother hears. She goes and comforts him, feeling there is more going on than the simple loss of a fellow sailor, but she knows her son too well. He will talk when he is ready.
Mike often comes back to the same thing when he tries to work things out in his head about Kate
Can Kate be trusted with my heart? And is she prepared to be honest with me and tell me the truth?