AN: Alright folks this is the Crackiest Crack to ever Crack, however I'd argue that the moment the Rock Trolls rolled out there's no such thing as "Crack Fiction" any longer regarding OUAT. I don't own anything if I did it'd be a Giant Gay as Hell Happy Ending.
Chapter 1
Emma Swan was in deep shit. Not that that was anything new mind you. No matter how hard the blonde tried it seems she just always ends up failing someone, or everyone, depending on the day. This weeks victim? No less than the high and mighty Regina Mills, aka The formerly-not quite any longer, Evil Queen-aka her son's other mother/baby momma, but it wasn't weird or anything.
One of these days she'd figure out why all of these zany, insane things kept happening to her and what god she had pissed off to make it so, but for now she was really focused on the current argument between Regina, her five minute boy toy, and his wife that Emma had so tactfully raised from the dead like Jesus friggin Christ himself.
"Regina please I didn't mean to hurt-"
"I have nothing to say to you unless it has to do with our son." She raises her arms, a cloud engulfing her as she disappears.
With a frustrated cry Emma kicks at a rock about to go back inside the diner, when she sees something in the distance that has her squinting her eyes in disbelief. There before her in small-town, cursed-so-no-one-can-find-it Storybrooke, is an approaching, fully decked out tour bus that stops right in front of Granny's.
"What in the hell...?" The blonde says in her trademark response.
Tink comes up behind her, "Oh thank goodness she's here." The petite sprite approaches the bus and hugs the statuesque woman who just exited it.
"Is that-? But-but, it can't be! How?" The blonde stutters in shock.
"Emma, meet the Fairy Goddess of Pop, Cher, just plain Cher"
Chapter 2
~The Most Diva One Of All~
"NO, I refuse to believe this, this is not possible, try again fairies." Emma crosses her arms and glares at Tinker Bell and Blue as she waits for a more believable explanation.
"Emma keep your voice down you're being rude to Her Holiness, she can hear you!" Tink whispers furiously, darting her eyes toward the booth where said Deity was lounging engaged in a discussion with Ruby, over fashion tips most likely.
"Look, I have come to terms with A LOT since I came to Storybrooke, my parents are Snow White and Prince Friggin Charming? Fine. The Waitress Is Little Red Riding Werewolf? Neat. The woman I gave my son to is The Evil Fucking Queen? Peachy! Her sister is The Wicked Witch Of The Goddamn West? FANFUCKINGTASTIC! But you can NOT tell me-I refuse to believe, that freaking CHER IS THE FAIRY QUEEN OF POP! NO. NOOO. JUST NO. NOT. FUCKING. HAPPENING!"
Mostly everyone in the diner turns their heads towards them calming Emma down at the possibility of a scene.
"Actually it's the Fairy Goddess of Pop," Blue chimes in earning a glare from the blonde before continuing. "Emma it's very much true, I called her to come to our aid when Zelena was enacting her curse to see if she could help, she has great pull with the mother-nature magic of this realm."
Emma just stares at Blue for an awkwardly long pause before walking away in a huff.
"And THAT is how I got out of Zimbabwe in time for my concert in Toronto back in '91, it was a close one lemme tell you, never mix pixie dust & vodka, whew!" The crowd around her bursts into awed laughter, including Emma's as always curious son, as the literally living legend finishes her tale.
Cher pauses and looks Emma over, "So this is the fabled savior huh? I thought you'd be taller."
"Yeah I get that a lot, but uhhh-thank you for coming as you can see the problem is taken care of and we no longer have need of you. Sorry to have made you come all the way here for nothing, so you can totally go home...or on tour, or whatever." An awkward smile finishes the tactful statement. "I really love your music by the way, saw Burlesque like three times!"
She places her hands on her son's shoulders wondering why the Diva's eyebrows raise at the Burlesque comment, "We really ought to get you home Henry, don't you have to go back to school at some point?" She asks picturing the next argument with his other mother regarding his future.
"Awwww, Ma! Do we have to? This is like THE coolest thing that's ever happened to me! Come on!"
"One of your moms is the Evil Queen and the other is the daughter of Snow White... You're related to literally like eight fairytale characters, that we know of, you've been to Neverland, and THIS is the coolest thing?"
"Yeah, but like... it's CHER DUH!" the almost teenage boy shakes his head walking to the car.
"You know I think I might stay in town for a few days, see how things are around here, take a mini vacation-you know small town simple life." The Goddess sips elegantly at her apple and cinnamon tea.
"Um, yeah, okay, Storybrooke and simple life, RIGHT." The savior says with a huff, "Sounds great I'm sure Granny has a room, or you know- your bus. Have a great evening!"
Perhaps Emma is just paranoid after everything the last few days, time travel and all, but she swears Cher watches her as she leaves-but that's probably just her head from all the crazy of the past few days, right?
Chapter 3
~ Three's Company~
Regina was FURIOUS. Just who did Emma Swan think the was? She put up with much from the blonde since she blew into their lives, with her red jacket and far-too-tight jeans (not that she'd noticed), but this was too much, this she could not tolerate.
"I will destroy her if it's the last thing I do." She says into her mirror smugly.
"You know, you really need a new catch phrase, you've used that one so much no one takes it seriously anymore." Speak of the devil and she will appear.
"What in the hell are YOU doing here and how did you get in? Breaking and Entering already? It's been what, three days since you've been back in town? I think that's a new record, even for you, you should be proud."
Emma raises her eyebrows and holds up the spare key Regina had given Henry. "We need to talk."
"I have nothing to say to you, nothing you can say will fix this-the damage is done."
"Regina I never meant to hurt you, I would never do that, I care about you and had no idea Marian-"
"NOT THAT! How could you not tell me She was here!?"
"Who's here? What are you talking about?"
"CHER you idiot! Who else could I possibly mean? It's been two days and I just found out from LEROY of all people, the belligerent little Dwarf was drunkenly shouting it in the streets for anyone to hear!" Regina gives one of her trademark glares, popping forehead vein and all-leaving Emma in dismay.
"Wait, you're telling me you're upset and ready to kill me...because I didn't tell you that Cher was in town? Seriously? Is this some sort of fucking joke? 'Cause honestly it's not funny, Regina."
"Do you have any idea who this woman is? When I came to this wretched realm I was alone, depressed, and after about three days BORED! It was the 80's there was no internet, television was atrocious and made zero sense, all I had was music. Cher was everything to me, I must have seen Moonstruck over a hundred times! Of course you would think it stupid and over the top for me to be upset that I wasn't informed my idol has been here in town for days!"
The blonde stares at her in disbelief, "Uuhhmm, okay... I'm sorry I didn't think to tell you. But honestly I didn't think you wanted to talk to me after, well-everything, but I understand where you're coming from-I do-Cher means a lot to me too and I would also be upset, forgive me?"
Emma speaks softly and slowly trying not to upset the obviously deranged woman who is clearly using this to hide what's really bothering her. She gives Regina her adorable smirky smile that she inherited from her father.
Regina eyes her up and down (purely in disgust of course) rolling her eyes, "Forget it. What is it you wanted to speak to me about that's so important you would break into my house? You have three seconds."
"We need to talk about Henry, his school and living arrangements and how we're going to share custody of him."
"Henry will begin school on Monday and will live here, his home, obviously. Problem solved, now GET OUT."
Emma tilts her head to the side, prepping for battle, "Regina it's not that simple anymore and you know it. We are BOTH Henry's Mom now and we have to find some common ground here and learn to work together. Now I've been doing a lot of thinking-"
"A novelty for you I'm sure."
Emma looks at her flatly not even responding and continues, "I know you kind of hate me right now, but...I think we should move in together."
"EXCUSE ME?"
"For Henry! Or rather I should move in here I guess."
"Have you completely lost your mind, Miss Swan? Or have I simply been knocked unconscious and this is all some elaborate nightmare I'm having, because surely you can NOT be serious."
"Look hear me out okay? I'm not just his five-minute mom anymore, I have been taking care of him for a over a year now, I have memories of him growing up. Maybe I wasn't actually there with you when he got a 104.2 fever and you had to spend the night with him in the hospital, but for me it feels like I was there for that-and for every scrape and recital and "Mommy I love you." He is MY son too, Regina, just as much as your's. He's OUR son, and I will be damned to not have him with me every day and I know you feel the same way.
My parents apartment is way too small-there's not enough room for us anyways. The way I see it this mansion is my parents castle back in the Enchanted Forest so it's kinda mine too anyways, and besides this place is HUGE you'll hardly notice I'm here."
"HA! I highly doubt that."
"I don't want to have to shuffle him back and forth between us, do you? He just lost Neal, he deserves some normalcy and stability in his life. I gave that to him in New York and I want to do that here, we need to put our differences aside and do what's best for our son, Regina. This is the best solution for now, especially since Robin and Roland aren't here anymore-" Emma instantly realizes how much of a mistake that last sentence was when she sees Regina's eyes go wide with fury.
"And just whose fault was that? If you honestly think I'm going to suddenly shack up with the very person responsible for ruining my life, you are in for a rude awakening, Miss Swan! And what about Hook? There is no way in hell I will allow that obnoxious, rum-reeking, pirate to trample in and out of my house at God only knows what hours of the day."
"Regina, I wouldn't-"
"Save it! I don't care what or who you do-so long as it doesn't interfere with me or my son. This is the stupidest idea you have ever come up with and that's saying something. I will not share my home with you and that's final, good day Miss Swan."
The pair stare at each other for a long tense moment before Emma walks away in a huff, slamming the door behind her.
Chapter 4
~You Can't Out Queen a Diva~
Nothing says "You're my idol" like spilling coffee all down said idol's blouse, fortunate since that's exactly what Regina-cool, calm, always in control Mayor Mills-did. She still isn't sure just exactly how it happened, one moment she was walking her daily route sipping from her to-go cup from Granny's, the next she's gasping in absolute horror as she instantly realizes just who she elegantly spilled her piping hot coffee all over.
"OH! I am SO sorry! I had no idea you were right there, so clumsy of me!"
"It's alright, I can have it cleaned."
Regina tries wiping it off with a napkin in her purse, awkwardly pausing when she realizes exactly where she was wiping. "It's RUINED! And this is DIOR! I am so sorry, please let me pay for any dry cleaning or to have it replaced!"
"It's fine really it's just coffee."
"No it's not fine I am mortified, I didn't see you but that's no excuse for being an idiot."
"It's alright honest, it's just a shirt don't worry about it." The legend takes it with a grain of salt, not worrying about the small stuff.
"Of course you would be so gracious, you are just the most perfect human being ever and I just DEFACED you! This always happens, nothing ever goes how I plan it! First Robin- now you! I had this whole vision of meeting you-I love you so much-you were going to be so impressed-and-it-is-all-all-R-R-RUINED!" The Queen, formerly known as evil, breaks down crying in front of her idol.
Cher puts her hand on Regina's shoulder, "There there it's okay, let it all out I'm here for you." Regina sobs louder as Cher gives her a hug, the Diva clearly experienced in handling hysterical fans.
"P-people even h-have called me The Medieval Cher!" She blows her nose loudly into the tissue Cher hands her.
"Yes, yes, I'm sure they have. Now why don't you tell me about what's really making you so upset."
So the two sit right there on the curb as Regina pours out the whole sordid story, finally feeling like someone is listening to her and cares.
"So let me get this straight, you're upset because Emma-the mother of your son, wants to reconcile with you for the sake of your son? And that's a bad thing because?"
"Oh no, not like that we weren't-we've never-I HAVE ROBIN! A MAN!" She answers flustered.
"Uh-huh right Robin, a former thief with a good heart, blonde hair, and an adorable son...gee how could I have possibly gotten confused?"
Regina responds flustered, "Well Emma has Hook! Also a man!"
"I haven't met him yet, describe him for me-what's he about?"
Regina hesitates but answers, unable to deny her idol anything. "Well.. he's a reformed villain, he was obsessed with getting revenge for his first love whom he watched get her heart pulled out and crushed in front of him, he is incredibly sarcastic and borderline rude, he drinks far too much rum, he wears a lot of leather and eye liner-seriously I think he's had the same outfit on for months!"
Cher stops a person walking by them, "Excuse me, could you do me a favor? Could you describe Regina for me?"
The man looks nervous and unsure. "Describe her? What do you mean?"
"Just describe her a little for me, what she's about and all."
"Um...okay. Well you know she's The Evil Queen? Very intimidating and a little scary to be honest, she cursed us all here because she watched her true love get his heart crushed, sure loves her apple cider-not sure it's just cider, if ya know what I'm sayin, she always has a quick sarcastic response-lots of sass this one, and boy-oh-boy can she pull off some outfits! All that makeup and leather, don't know how she does it!"
"That was very helpful thank you." The man walks off with a big smile on his face.
Cher says nothing just looks at her and Regina is suddenly unable to look her in the eye.
"Look, whatever your relationship with this girl, you both are forever tied together raising your son. Are you really going to ruin things with Emma, putting stress on Henry, for a guy you met three days ago that you only gave the time of day because a tattoo told you to?"
"Well I suppose you have a point-"
"Regina! Come quick we need you!" Hook himself comes running up the street followed closely by Charming.
"What is it, pirate? We were just discussing your many "admirable" traits. Cher meet Killian Jones, also known as Captain Hook, though if you don't have a ship can you still call yourself Captain?"
"There's no time for introductions, Emma is trapped behind a wall of ice by this woman named Elsa we need you to melt her out or she'll die!"
"Of course-come to Regina she'll fix it all, why don't YOU do something for once!?"
"Hey Hook tried really hard with his hook, no one could have hit at that ice with a hook any harder, he's a hero!" Charming, aka Hook's new boyfriend, loyally defends.
"Thanks mate."
"Sure thing, I've always got your back."
"Thank you David, I didn't know you cared so much." They stare into each others eyes for a long moment until finally Cher clears her throat uncomfortably.
"Right, EMMA! Regina please you have to help."
"I'm sorry did you just say ELSA? As in from Frozen™? I know this is Storybrooke and all, but get real here." This coming from the celebrity singer- turned Fairy Goddess.
"What's Frozen™? No, no, It's Emma that's frozen love, stick with the story here."
"Oh come on! I know you guys have heard of it-David we were just talking about it the other day! Cute lil' cartoon about a girl who has to hide who she really is from everyone and how that's a metaphor...? Kirsten Bell, my girl from Burlesque is the voice of Anna? Idina Menzel? Adela Dazeem? Nothing? Really?
"I-Wha-I don't-uhhhh-" David looks to both Regina and Hook for saving...Of course.
Regina leans into Cher speaking low, "We've been told to suspend all time and space and reality...any sort of logic or thought really...so just go with it."
"Are you telling me I should just...Let it go?" They all look at her blankly. "Nothing? Really? Sheesh, tough crowd."
"We don't have time for all of this! Emma could be dead already!" The boys take off running back towards the frozen fortress Emma is captured in.
"Don't they know we can just-?"
Regina rolls her eyes, "Yes."
She twirls her hand and they both reappear right in front of the ice wall, the men still running the whole way there.
"Emma?"
"R-Regina? You c-came." Emma responds relief in her voice.
"Well if I left you to Dumb and Dumber you'd be frozen solid before they even got here."
Emma laughs but it's weak and turns into coughing, and Cher sees the look of worry on Regina's face.
"I'm going to get you out of here stand back." Regina places her hand on the ice concentrating, a heat of red starts from her hand melting the ice, a hole forming just big enough for a person to come out of.
The red of Emma's jacket appears and the relief is clear on Regina's face, she goes to help the blonde get out when Hook and David come running up. The pirate bulldozers his way in front of Regina grabbing at Emma like a greedy school boy with his new toy. Emma grabs on to him as he lifts her wrapping her hands around his head as she thanks him for saving her.
Only Cher notices the pile of boiling water around Regina's feet.
Elsa, the other blonde damsel in distress, exits the melted hole taking in her surroundings and is instantly thrust against the wall with magic by Regina.
"Listen here, Frozen Barbie, no one comes into my town and messes with my Em-citizens! I am going to make you suffer-"
"Regina wait!" Emma calls out from inside the blanket David has wrapped around her, "She didn't mean to, she can't control it very well-like me."
"Great, another blonde bimbo running around town with magic and no clue what to do with it, just what we needed." Regina smiles sickly sweet before releasing Elsa who collapses to the ground.
"There there now love, easy does it." Hook helps Elsa up and they lock eyes Elsa gasping.
"Has anyone ever told you what an incredible...beard you have?"
"Why yes they have actually I'm notorious for it, in fact Emma has made several comments regarding my beard allure."
Elsa looks over at Emma just in time to notice the blonde staring at Regina's noticeable assets as Regina leans in close to warm her with magic. "I just bet she has...I myself am in search of a man with a strong beard in fact."
The pirate smirks, wiggles his eyebrows, and struts, completely oblivious. "Well darling I'm afraid THIS Beard is taken, sorry."
Elsa looks over at Regina and Emma huddled close, taking in the emotion on their faces. "Well perhaps in the future should your beard become available."
Hook smiles flirtatious, "I don't think so love, but I'm flattered you think so highly of my beard prowess. Now Regina's old flame Robin also has an excellent beard, I admit he gives me a run for my doubloons he does."
"...Of course he does. Perhaps you could give me tips on finding a suitable beard-ed man? My kingdom has high expectations of me." The two walk side by side down the street.
"Good thing I was here to keep you're own stupidity from killing you, again." Regina says harshly trying to mask the terror and fear she felt worrying for the blonde.
"Aww s-shucks Regina I didn't know you cared." Emma says with a small smile on her face.
"I think there's something else she would like to say, isn't there Regina?" Cher gives her a knowing glance.
"Uh-yes well I suppose you staying in the guest bedroom wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen. That is if you still want to." She picks at imaginary lint on her shoulder.
"Really? Um yeah sure I still want to...for Henry." She gives her a beaming smile.
"Oy vie, these two are going to be such a pain in my ass, I can just tell." Cher says to herself shaking her head.
Chapter Five
~Love Vs. Duty~
Robin Hood was incredibly confused. He didn't understand how all of this had happen, first Marian was dead and now she wasn't? Huh? What? How was this even possible, he was much much dumbfounded.
The former thief was a simple man, when others might have adapted to the changes of Storybrooke such as indoor plumbing, antibiotics, and modern heating, he steadfastly stuck to his forest with his men and his tent made of human hair and branches. When it was time to take a bride it too was quite simple-Marian smelled like peasant, he smelled like forest, everyone thought they made a lovely couple so he married her and had a beautiful forest peasant baby that looked like neither of them- which always had confused him now that he thought about it...but that wasn't important right now, what was important was the feelings he had begun to develop.
He thought of her every night as he lay awake-picturing her smile, her wit, her charm, the way she was so quick to anger, or her adorable glare when he would dip his finger into the lasagna before dinner. Marian was beautiful, the mother of his child, and everything he could ever ask for, and he the cad, pictured another at night when she was in his arms.
"You're thinking of her again." Little John simply states.
"Aye, try as I might I simply can't get her out of my mind. I feel horrible, Marian does not deserve this."
"I'm sorry mate, tis a terrible way find yourself, and unfair to all." John claps him on the shoulder, "Regina is a rather comely wench, I understand your struggle." He stands and walks off to help Friar Tuck with the wood gathering.
"Ah yes, Regina." Robin says with a bitter sweet smile.
He dreams of her again that night. He dreams of the last time they spoke, it haunts him nightly...
"What are you doing here, you can't be here and you know it, you have Marian now."
"Please, I had to see you. I think of you every moment of every day. Tell me you don't feel the same, tell me you don't want me to take you in my arms right this moment and I'll leave."
She hesitates and he grabs her shoulders pulling her in for a deep and passionate kiss, his arms reaching around her down to the round full derriere he knows so well, squeezing firmly.
She pushes at his chest breaking the embrace. "NO! We can't Robbie, we just can't. I won't be a home wrecker to that beautiful boy, go home to your wife."
"But Eugenia, I love you." He stares at Granny Lucas pleadingly, for it is she he loves, not a pixie dust soulmate or a resurrected spouse. She returns his look softly and with a sad smile.
"I know you do, but this is the hand we have been dealt and we must hold to our morals and the promises we've made, such is the code of the Lion and the Crossbow." The elderly woman lifts her sleeve to reveal an identical Lion shield tattoo on her arm.
"And that's why I love you, you always know the right thing to do. You're right, my head knows that, but my heart and well other parts of me beg to differ." He smiles before kissing her softly on the cheek.
"Now go, before Ruby comes home after rolling around with who knows what species of male all night."
"Goodbye Granny, a day won't go bye that I won't think of you."
"Good."
He wakes up with the taste of her on his lips, crying softly into his pillow.
Leaving Marian in their sleeping bag Robin takes a walk in the forest to clear his head. He really shouldn't of had that third helping of Tuck's "special" bean soup though, for suddenly his stomach let's off a large growl and he finds himself in need of the privy. Fortunately he notices a large can, rather strange out here in the forest-but any tavern in a storm, eh?
He lifts the lid, pulls down his drawers, sits on the can, and makes a rather large, wet, dump. Really, shouldn't of had that third serving.
"HEY WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN MY CAN?"
Robin starts and falls over flat on his face, ass stuck in the air as he tries to figure out where the voice came from, "What? Who goes there?"
Green eyebrows raise and wiggle taking in the site of Robin's white pale ass. "Well, hhhheeelllloooo there..." His nose twitches and sniffs as he reaches up and wipes at the dump currently on his head inhaling.
"OOH MY, WHAT IS THIS DELICIOUSLY, WONDERFUL, HORRIBLE, GOD-AWFUL, SUBSTANCE? It's the most terrible thing I have ever smelled in my entire life, and I have smelled A LOT of terrible things. You made this? I think I'm in love!" The Grouch stares at Robin with goo-goo eyes.
"What in God's holy name ARE you?" Robin asks, in such shock he doesn't even fasten his pants.
"I'm Oscar the Grouch! Who are you?"
"I'm Robin of Lockesly, also known as Robin Hood. Aren't you a fictional character my son watches on those pictures boxes they have here? You're not real."
"...Says the guy from a fairytale cartoon."
Hood shrugs, "Fair point."
Just then a jogger approaches them in her black and pink onsie, her pace and obvious fitness blatantly defying her age. Cher stops and looks at them with a questionable look on her face as Robin quickly buckles up his pants in a rather guilty looking manner.
"Uh-hey, don't mind me, to each his own, free love-and all that jazz. I'll just uhhhh...be on my way." She points in the opposite direction awkwardly.
"Oh gracious me no! This is not what it looks like!" The outlaw stutters trying to explain the embarrassment.
"You see, I was walking around smelling really bad, so I took a dump."
"You took a dump?"
"He took a dump on me!"
"He took a dump on you?"
"He took a big dump all over O-S-C-A-R, and it smelled really bad."
"This story would be better if it wasn't so shitty." Cher snickers at her pun. "You know, I think just had an Aha moment...Robin took a dump...Hmmm."
"This little varmint, or creature-or thing-or whatever the bloody hell he is! won't leave me alone! GO AWAY YOU LITTLE FREAK I'M NOT INTO YOUR KIND."
"Wow, muppephobic much?" Cher says dryly.
"But Robin I love you! How can you do this to me?"
"And as you can see he's rather obsessed with me, everyone seems to be and I have no idea why. I mean look at me, I'm not even all that attractive!"
"Yeah I've noticed, doesn't make sense to me either, I mean wowza those are some big ears."
"Exactly! See? You understand! There's only one woman-or Muppet," Hood adds seeing Oscar's forlorn face, "Whose love I want, and alas I can never have her. I am forever doomed into a loveless marriage and a pixie dust soulmate that I have nothing in common with-met three days ago, and that I'm supposed to be mad for. When the truth is, all I actually want is to shoot crossbows with Eugenia until the day I die, I'm just a simple man really. Your Holiness, is there anything you can do for me?"
"Well, I suppose we could talk to Tinker Bell and see what's really up with this pixie dust business." She snaps her fingers and Tink appears.
The fairy looks around momentarily before hiding her hands behind her back that had just been over her face.
"Your Holiness! You summoned? How may I be of assistance?" the blonde curtsies.
"What can you tell me about this pixie dust-lion tattoo business? I must say Regina and Robin don't seem at all suited to each other, are you certain you cast the spell correctly?"
"Oh yes quite certain, he's her soulmate."
"...And were you perhaps in fact, SNIFFING the pixie dust at the time?"
"Oh no! I quit that years ago! I am offended you would even suggest such a thing, Your Grace."
"...Then why is it sparkling under your nose right now?" Cher asks knowingly.
The guilty sprite wipes her nose with the back of her hand before quickly putting it back behind her, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Mmmmm Hmmm. Robin I think we've found the problem, never trust the results of pixie crack fairies. The best thing to do is recast the spell for both you and Marian so you may find your true soulmates, my gut tells me Marian's is that stunning warrior girl whose been following her like a puppy, and just give Roland to Regina and her actual soulmate since he's really just a plot device that looks like her to garner sympathy for your adulterous affair."
The thief nods his head, "...Sounds fair."
"Now Tink hand over the pixie dust so I can recast the spell." The Academy Award Winner holds out her hand.
"But-but-you can't-"
"Tiinnkerr Belll, hand. it. over."
"Oh fine then!" The blonde slaps the dust pouch into her hand and hangs her head. "I'm so ashamed, I'm sorry for all the problems I caused Robin.
"I'll call Dr. Drew, he handles pixie dust addictions too." The Grammy Award Winner opens the pouch and blows it on Robin's face making him sneeze-which causes him to fart-which causes Oscar to sigh like a love struck teen.
"Now then, according to this it's actually YOUR soulmate who has the Lion Tattoo, it's a set."
Robin cries out for joy and takes off at a dead run shouting his true loves name. "EUGENIA! EUGENIA!"
"Yo, Derpin Hood! You know I can do this right?" Cher snaps her fingers and Granny appears, still wearing her night gown and cap.
They run towards each other in slow motion, victory music playing. Robin places his hands on her face and they kiss. They both pull up their sleeves to reveal their Lion Tattoos arm to arm, the lion's positioned against each other showing Granny's lion mounting Robin's in dominance and both tattoos glow at the contact.
"Do you see Granny? It's you, it's always been you."
"I see that now, oh Robin I love you so dearly, my precious boy." They lean in and kiss once again.
It may be cliche and over the top to say they walked off into the sunset and lived happily ever after, firing their crossbows together for the rest of their lives-but that's exactly what they did...
"HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME? I loved him to ya know." The Grouch lays his head against his can in sadness.
"You didn't think I'd forget about you did I? Oscar there's someone I'd like you to meet." Cher turns her head towards the sound of an approaching vehicle.
A perfect, exact, miniature version of Cher's Tour bus pulls up. The sun roof opening to reveal a sight that causes the grouch to gasp and awe.
"Oscar, meet the Muppet Fairy Goddess of Pop." An exact Muppet version of Cher herself pops her head out of the sun roof.
"I can't have HER, she's way to good for me! I need someone horrible and terrible! That's all I deserve."
"Maybe you need to try thinking better of yourself, you're a good catch! Good looking, a nice can that you own yourself, and excellent eyebrows! Any Muppette would be lucky to have you." She puts her hand to the side of her mouth, "Go for it."
The green Muppet swallows hard, "Um, yes hello-uh would you perhaps, care to uh, spend time with me this evening and share some dinner? I have some three week old pizza down here, ripe and delicious."
"...Yeah I'm out, sorry." The Muppette sinks down into the bus and takes off leaving a trail of dust in it's wake.
"Oh Oscar, rotten pizza? Really?"
The Grouch sinks into his trash can in shame. "I'm just such a loser!" He yells from inside it.
"Now-now there, it's ok we'll find you someone more suited. Just gimme a minute to think here." She puts her hand on her chin and closes her eyes contemplating.
"Hmmm...who would your soulmate be? Someone crass and obnoxious-someone rude who likes to stick their nose where it doesn't belong, someone who's a complete and total piece of shit..." her eyes pop open, "I've got it!" She snaps her fingers and a man appears, looking around in confusion.
"MICHAEL COLEMAN!? He's terrible! He's horrible! He's the worst human being I've ever heard of! HE'S PERFECT! Thank you!" The grouch grabs Coleman dragging him down into his can with him.
"Well I think my work here is done, HappyGrouch is just so perfect for each other, congrats to both of you!" Cher resumes her jog, picking up right where she left off.
"Wait, hey! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I KNOW PEOPLE! IMPORTANT PEOPLE! THE PRODUCERS WON'T STAND FOR THIS! THEY DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOU AS IT IS ANYWAYS! COME BACK HERE! WAIT, PLEASE! I'M SORRY! NOOO..." Blessed silence fills the forest as Coleman disappears down the can.
Chapter 6
~Snow Falls, Snow Drifts, Snow is Hella Friggin Dense~
Snow White was deeply troubled. For the past two weeks she had been on edge, waiting for the inevitable blow up of her former step-mother. Snow knew it was coming, she would lie awake at night picturing all the ways Regina might exact revenge on her daughter and her family for Emma's betrayal. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, all because of this deep sense of dread and fear.
But something strange had happened instead that Snow would have never anticipated. Nothing. For two weeks she waited, and for two weeks nothing happened. In fact, after hearing her daughters insane plan to move in with Regina for Henry's sake, Snow was certain the two would kill each other, but surprisingly that wasn't the case.
"David it just doesn't make any sense! Something terrible is going to happen I just know it!" The two were gathered at Granny's with Ruby and Katherine trying to brainstorm what was actually going on.
"If you ask me, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on," Ruby responds, "I mean all the time they've been spending together, the way they look at each other so intently so often, the way Regina doesn't even seem all that upset over Robin and...Granny." The girl shudders, still not able to think of her grandmother and Robin without inducing nausea.
"Yeah I agree, it seems pretty apparent to me too." Katherine states.
"You guys are both right! It IS blatantly obvious..." Both women smile relieved, "REGINA IS PRETENDING TO NOT HATE EMMA SO SHE CAN EXACT HER REVENGE WITHOUT US SUSPECTING!" The two other women close their eyes and bite their lips in frustration.
"Snow I think you're right! What other motive could Regina possibly have to be spending all her time and attention on Emma?" David squints his eyes in contemplation.
"No idea, can't think of a single one-let alone sixty-nine of them or something." Ruby answers deadpan, Katherine chokes on her coffee.
"Easy there Katherine." David pats her back oblivious.
"Poor Emma! She's been trying so hard to make it up to Regina, she's even been blowing off Hook to spend time with Regina instead! The poor thing has no idea."
"I'm pretty sure Emma blowing Hook off is the exact opposite of what's wrong." Both women snicker at Katherine's comment earning confused looks from the Charmings.
"I mean Lezbihonest here Regina HAS threatened to force Emma to taste her Forbidden Fruit on multiple occasions after all." Ruby stifles a yelp as Katherine kicks her under the table. Ruby starts doodling on a napkin.
"YOU ARE SO RIGHT RUBY! Regina HAS threatened that so many times! You can't tell me she isn't still thinking about it!" Snow bites her nail in worry.
Katherine chimes in, "Oh I'd wager Regina thinks about it all the time and is just screaming Emma's name in frustration EVERY NIGHT just fantasizing about finally finishing her off!" Ruby nods her head and gives Katherine a subtle O.K. sign in approval. Katherine tips her mug in thanks, smirking.
"DAVID! WE CAN'T LET REGINA HURT EMMA WE HAVE TO MAKE HER SEE! WE HAVE TO REACH THROUGH TO HER!"
Ruby holds up her doodle to the blonde showing two swans passionately entwined in fierce scissoring, one wearing a crown. Katherine snorts causing Snow to look over only to see Ruby pretending to wipe her nose with the napkin.
"Are we really surprised Regina could be closetly conspiring against Emma? It's not like she hasn't been out and proud about her feelings towards Emma." Ruby holds up her hand making a vulgar gesture involving her rather long tongue and the V between her fingers. Katherine finally breaks and bursts out laughing.
"What's so funny? How can you two be laughing at a time like this?" David asks accusing.
Cher, sitting in the booth next to them the entire time enjoying her cinnamon apple pancakes, finally turns and asks, "Are these two always this clueless?"
A long suffering sigh from Ruby, "Pppreettyy much, yes."
"Sorry but I'm way too friggin old for that kind of subtext bullshit." She turns to the Charmings, "Hey, twiddle-white and twiddle-whiter, your daughter is hella gay and in love with Regina, whose in love with her too-even if they're both stubborn to admit it."
David sputters, "WHAT? That's absurd! Who even-how can they even-but they're-I mean-that's not possible! Tell her Snow!" He looks to his wife for assurance only to see her face frozen in shock.
"David, she's right!" Snow's eyes appear to nearly be out of her head.
"What? You can't be serious, how does that even work?"
"I mean think about it! All the signs are there, Emma's leather jackets, her plaid shirts, her biceps, the way she stares at Regina's choice of "fashionable" low cut blouses... and David, that time she was fiddling with the toaster." The former princess whispers the last part to her husband.
"Oh. My. God." His jaw drops in shock.
"How could we have been so blind to not notice? And poor Emma thinks she can't even come too us about it, ooh David!"
"It's not all your guy's fault, this world coddles you because you're white, straight, good looking, and have it all...since those are the folks who obviously need coddling the most." The Diva adds sarcastically.
"Your Holiness what can we do? How can we make them both see they have feelings for each other?"
"Just start by making sure your daughter knows how much you love her and how you'll be happy with her no matter who she chooses to be with, and stop pushing that pirate on her! You should never trust a man who wears more eye liner than I do!"
"Thank you Your Holiness, we will, but... with how stubborn these two are I think they need a push or it'll be after Henry goes to college before one of them makes a move! We need to be subtle and do it in a family-friendly way that's supportive so they don't feel attacked, and I think I have the perfect plan, Cher will you help us?"
She smirks, "Why I thought you'd never ask..."
Chapter 7
~Of Love and Loathing...
and Knitted Sweaters~
Emma was in purgatory. That was the only explanation. She must in actuality be dead and had pissed of some very strong deity to be in this much hell. The kid was happy though, so that's all that really mattered.
Emma herself however, had never been so happy and miserable at the same time in all her life. The past two weeks had been everything she could have ever asked for, or so she thought. Regina had really begun to surprise her and she didn't like it one bit.
A routine had begun, wake up and get dressed, have breakfast at the table-which Regina insisted on making (delicious of course), take Henry to school, be bored out of her mind at the Station, come home have dinner together at the table (once again delicious, seriously how does she cook so well it's like magic-wait a freaking second...), help Henry with his homework (Regina was the history buff, Emma the Math nerd), hang out and watch TV, send Henry to bed both women kissing his forehead or he kissing their cheeks, and then spending an hour or two talking over a glass of cider. It was domestic and homey and everything she was hoping it would be when she came up with moving in. And it was officially killing her.
Where was the anger? The hatred? The fighting? Where was the Regina she could barely tolerate who so blatantly and loudly showcased couldn't stand her either? That Regina she was used to, that Regina she could handle. THIS Regina she didn't know what to do with and was slowly going mad. This Regina was warm, caring, and affectionate to their son and Emma found herself wondering what it would feel like to have those soft hands stroking through her hair, which was a big fat, giant,NO NO.
She was feeling things she had no business feeling and had no idea what to do about it.
Her parents were of zero help, in fact they had suddenly made a 180° flip around with the whole living together thing. Offering to go on family picnics-being sure to include Regina, taking Henry for the night-leaving her to suffer in her self-constructed hell alone with Regina. Dammit, she had been counting on them to talk her out of this.
"Mary-Margaret now's not a good time I'm supposed to be meeting Hook right now, we're going boat shopping." Hook had been her only form of distraction, though he'd be a far more effective distraction if the back of her mind wasn't always pointing out the fact that she had a far more attractive, reformed fairytale villain waiting for her at home.
"Oh Hook can wait, in fact your farther will take him! Won't you David?" The prince nods in overly happy agreement.
"...O..K I guess, is something going on?"
"Not at all! In fact we got you guys something to celebrate two weeks of you and Regina being together-," David elbows his wife in the side, "I mean of living together, for-you know-Henry's sake."
"Aww, you guys didn't have to do that, that's really sweet thanks."
"Emma have you seen my earrings-." Regina comes briskly down the stairs causing Emma to swallow hard at the site of yet another low-cut blouse (seriously how many does she have of those things?) "Oh, it's you two. I was unaware we had company."
"Perfect Regina, you're here too! We got you guys something, have a seat!" She hands them both a package and they begin unwrapping their gifts with hesitation and curiosity.
"What...the hell... is it?"
"Do you like them? I made them myself I was so worried how they would turn out, oh I'm so glad you like them!"
Both women hold up their identical matching gifts-a black cashmere sweater with a swan knitted to the front wearing a crown.
"But seriously... What is it?" Regina asks in her classic condescending tone.
"It's the official Team Moms Sweater! Everyone is wearing them look!" The Charmings look to each other and unzip their coats revealing they too are also wearing the sweaters.
Regina stares in shock, "You have got to be kidding me."
"Mmmom... Ddaad...explain please."
"Everyone can't stop talking about what an amazing team the two of you are. You saved us from Elsa, Zelena, Pan, Greg and Tamara and the diamond, no matter what happens the two of you find a way to come together to save all of us, and the town wants to show their support and approval of the two of you together...ya know "for Henry." The whole town is talking about it and everyone is wearing the sweaters, see? It's a Swan wearing a Queen's crown-it's the two of you! It's a Swan Queen! Get it? Isn't it adorable!?" Snow gives a beaming smile at them which they return with looks of horror, confusion, and disbelief.
"Come on you guys put them on, you'll look great!" David gives them his most charming of Charming smiles. After much pausing and hesitation the two women pull the sweaters over their heads feeling rather foolish.
"Oh David aren't they just adorable? I just..." She puts her hand over her mouth to contain her emotion.
"I think it's great, I want pictures." He pulls out his phone taking pics of both of them individually, "I'm so putting these on instagram and I'm going to tease about a picture of both of them together later. '#TeamMoms Double Facie coming soon.' They're going to die."
Henry slams the front door shut already wearing his sweater, "Moms! Gramps! Grams! Everyone's waiting at the diner! They want to see Team Moms in the sweaters come on!" The three Co-conspirators shuffle the mothers into the truck, but not before getting a "double facie" with the forest as background.
"Put your hand on Regina's shoulder, you'll look like a detective team like that show you love Emma, what's it called? Rizzles & Sizzles?"
"Rizzole & Isles, Mom." The blonde responds as she sets her hand on the brunette's shoulder causing her brain to short circuit instantly.
"Right! That's it! Now say...TEAM MOMS!" Neither woman says it as Snow snaps the picture.
...
"They're coming! Places everyone and remember ACT CASUAL we don't want to shock them, ease them into the idea that it's a possibility! Operation: TeamMoms IS A GO!" Ruby runs behind the counter as everyone tries to act normal with no sort of hidden agenda here.
The family walks into the diner to the sight of everyone in the room wearing the sweaters and a banner with "Team Moms" above them.
Regina whispers to Emma, "Do you have any idea what's going on here?"
"Not a single clue." Emma whispers back trying to ignore the shudder going through her body at the proximity of the brunette.
"You made it! Nova get our picture!" Grumpy inserts himself between the two moms smiling at the camera as Nova takes the pic.
The fairy nun leans forward showing the picture, "I just want to thank you both for always being there for us and sticking together no matter what, the two of you and Henry are such a beautiful little family!" The couple walks off as another group walks up to also "meet and greet." One of them Belle.
"Emma, Regina, I just want to thank you so much for saving the town from Elsa freezing us all out, gosh you're just two stunning, intriguing, incredible women who are just so amazing together...to save the town of course." Belle looks towards Ruby and taps her nose which the waitress returns before the next group of thankful, "casual", citizens approach.
...
Regina was in one of the most surreal evenings of her life and she had been through quite a few. Something was up. Everyone was too happy, too excited, too appreciative, and too damn interested in her life.
The only theory she could come up with was somehow she was now considered an honorary Charming via Henry and this was how the other half lived. Constant ass-kissing and praise for tieing your shoes correctly in the morning...must be nice.
The whole evening was a love-fest for how incredible she and Emma were, conveniently ignoring the fact that all the things they had saved the town from were their fault in the first place in some way or another. That was another thing...Emma. Throughout the entire evening the simpletons had subtly acted as though she and Emma were a thing of some sort.
Nothing direct mind you, nothing she could correct or argue with, just little slight nudges and assumptions indicating the blonde and she were more than just co-parents. Does Emma sleep with the night light on like my Roger? Isn't it just adorable? Does she have terrible morning breath too? Your Savior sure likes her Apple pie...You and Emma and Henry are just the sweetest cutest family I have ever seen and I think it's beautiful.
Now she finds herself alone with said Savior in their house, (when did her house become their house?) after the two idiots and her son ran out the door for "grandparents night" faster than she could say, "Don't stay up past your bedtime."
"So...that just happened...What even was that?" Emma places her hands in her back pockets, one of her nervous habits.
"I haven't the faintest idea, but I do think your son is in on it somehow, though he tried to act oh-so-innocent. If you do figure it out please let me know, though I've long ago stopped trying to decipher the motives of the peasants-er, people of this town." She pours them both a glass of cider, the routine so regular now she doesn't even think about it.
"So um, did it seem to you like people thought we were uh-like you and I are..." Emma trails off unable to finish.
"Together? Yes I got that impression too, HA! How absurd! JUST because you and I are living together to raise our son people are so quick to assume there's something more going on. Pfft, simpletons." She takes an overly large swallow of Cider.
"Yeah exactly! I mean come on be real here! You and me? Please we can barely tolerate each other!"
Outside, down the street, in a dark van, Operation: Lezbihonest was underway.
"White Chocolate this is Little Swan Mill Man do you copy, over."
"Henry I told you my codename is not White Chocolate, put David on the talkie."
"DON'T USE OUR REAL NAMES PEOPLE COULD BE LISTENING!"
"White Chocolate this is Maverick what's your 10-4." The prince whose name should not be uttered over airwaves was wearing aviator glasses feeling rather spiffy despite the fact it was the middle of the night and he couldn't see a thing.
"David that's not even the right code..." The bleep of the radio goes off.
"I'm sorry White Chocolate, but were you finished with your transmission? You did not say over, over."
A long suffering sigh of defeat comes through the talkie. "My apologies, Maverick, I'm behind the mansion in the bushes with my binoculars and I can see Reg-I mean Evil Regal approaching Ugly Duckling, tap me into the wire that Ru-er- Big Bad Red put in the house earlier so we can know what's going on."
Nothing but static plays on the line.
"...over."
"10-4 White Chocolate, standby."
"Yeah exactly! I mean come on be real here! You and me? Please we can barely tolerate each other!" Emma's clear voice comes through.
"Quite possibly THE most ridiculous notion I have ever heard in my entire life!" The as-always considerate former monarch fails to notice the look of pain that flits across Emma's face. Her mother however sees it plainly through the binoculars, wondering how she could have been so blind all this time.
"Maverick! We're losing them, Team Moms wasn't enough, it's time to execute Phase Cupid, I repeat, I'm executing Phase Cupid, over."
David sits back up in his chair instantly alert, "Phase Cupid? Snow are you sure? Cher said to only use it if things looked bleak, that's pretty drastic don't you think?"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures, if were not careful they'll both ruin everything acting so hard like they don't care!" The princess turned archer stands up out of the bushes and raises her bow with the arrow made of pure light the Diva gave her, firing it right through the window hitting her daughter smack center in the backside causing the blonde to yell out.
"OW! What the hell was that?" She turns looking finding nothing and rubbing her backside.
"What are you talking about?"
"Something just poked me in the ass!"
"Well since the one-handed wonder doesn't seem to be in the vicinity I can't imagine what else possibly did so, Miss Swan." Regina turns her back to Emma.
"I can sure think of an ass I'd like to poke and it certainly isn't Hook, Mayor Milf."
"Excuse me? Did you just say MILF?" Regina snaps her head towards the blonde.
"What? No! I didn't say anything at all! That wasn't me!"
"Well it certainly sounded like you!"
"It wasn't I swear! Regina something really weird is going on here and I don't know what yet, but I have a weird vibe."
"Oh so good to know your vibe will save us!"
Emma walks off to the other end of the room looking around to see if she can find the source of the "poke." Regina stares at her arms crossed as though she has completely lost her mind.
"Have you completely lost your mind? What in heaven's name could possibly be-." She cuts off as she too feels a hard "poke" in her backside.
Emma walks back to her, "Well I don't see anything...Regina are you alright?"
"Hmmm? Yes...I'm fine." Though I'd be a hell of a lot more fine if you stopped using that luscious mouth for talking and put it to better uses...like running it up and down my body.
"What did you just say?" Emma stands there frozen.
"Hmmm? I didn't say anything."
"Yes, you did. You said the thing...about my mouth...and your..."
"No I didn't, I said no such thing." The brunette walks away into the next room the blonde following. She may have thought it, but she certainly didn'tsay it.
"Uh, YES you did say that, and I also heard you say you didn't say it, but like...your mouth didn't actually move."
Regina stops to stare at her, arms crossed. So you're trying to somehow get me to confess my inner most secrets? You'll have to try a lot better than that, Swan.
Emma's eyes bulge clear out of her head. "HOLY SHIT!"
"Oh so you heard that too I suppose?"
The Savior nods eyes still wide, "Um...yeah but it wasn't you talking...it was uh...your sweater."
"WHAT?" Regina looks down to her sweater uncrossing her arms, just in time to see the swan on the front of her sweater move it's beak and talk in her exact own voice.
"Congratulations on figuring out the blatantly obvious Miss Swan, would you like an award? Your ass kissed? I'd be happy to oblige, it's one sexy ass. How about you come over here and I'll reward you nice and proper...I can think of several things I could do-" Whatever else the swan was about to say was muffled by Regina's hand covering it's mouth trying to get it to stop.
"Hey! I wanted to hear what she was going to say! How dare you Swan-block me, I've been dying here for weeks hoping for some sign she feels the same way. Do you have any idea how many nights I've layed awake at night fantasizing about-" Emma grabs her own swan's mouth.
"QUICK! TAKE 'EM OFF!"
Both women quickly pull the sweaters over their heads and throw them to the ground, Emma stomping on hers for good measure.
"I think they stopped, what the hell was that-AHH!" Emma starts as she lifts her head and sees that the swan is still on Regina and herself, only now attached to their regular clothes.
"Sheriff Swan I'd like to report a crime...your body is killing me."
"Why the hell is your Swan Queen using cheesy pick up lines? And did it just fucking wink at me?"
"Regina...please love me, please please please llllloovvvvveee me! I'LL DIE IF YOU DON'T, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PPLLEEAASSSEE!" Emma's swan continues sobbing and begging loudly.
"Oh yes, because yours is so much better."
"What the hell are we going to do?" Emma begins coddling and stroking her swan in an attempt to get it to calm down, an awkward sight considering it's two-dimensional and flat on her chest.
"Well this appears to be some sort of sub-conscious spell, revealing our inner thoughts and feelings. Perhaps if we try addressing and resolving them they'll stop."
"And if that doesn't work, we can try washing them off in the shower...together...naakkked..." Regina groans and closes her eyes at her swan's elegant remark.
"Yeah...that's not gonna work for me. You know since the swans seems to want each other so much perhaps we should just try..." Emma slowly picks her sweater off the ground and puts it on, the swan reappearing back on it. She gets extremely close to Regina pressing her chest against the brunette's. The swans lift their heads towards each other and Regina's glides off her and onto Emma, the two swans intertwining and freezing back to normal, perfectly content and silent with each other. The two women stand there motionless, also frozen and quiet, so close to one another.
Regina finally softly speaks, "I think that worked, that was uh-really smart of you Emma...thank you." Neither woman move away inches from each other.
Emma peers into Regina's eyes, looking, trying to find something. "Do you really think those things about me?"
"...No..." A weak whispered response.
"You're lying." Emma says softly, always knowing the truth when it came to Regina.
Emma closes the small distance between them, lips fitting together perfectly. Regina reacts and leans into the kiss deepening it. It's euphoria, everything Emma ever pictured and more, until...
Regina pushes her away suddenly, "NO!"
"What? What's wrong?" Emma asks still dazed.
"YOU, that's what's wrong. You think you can just waltz in here and we'll kiss and make-up and that will just solve everything? Sure I may get the urge to screw you on occasion, but this changes nothing. We aren't going to suddenly be this happy little family we've been pretending at, this doesn't change what you've done. He was my soulmate now he's-he's-with THAT WOMAN instead! Do you know how humiliated I feel? GRANNY? REALLY? REALLY?...Really?"
"But don't you see? It wasn't him it was never him, it was the one with the Lyon Tattoo." Emma pulls away the shoe lace covering her wrist revealing her Lyon flower tattoo.
"Get out."
"But Regina-"
" . I don't want to hear your nonsense, do you really think I would fall for some tattoo soulmateridiculousness again? Just how stupid do you think I am? You can't fix this one, Savior. I want you out of my house. NOW!" Emma feels a pull behind her as she is forcibly dragged out of the house by magic.
"Regina don't do this, Regina please! I'm sor-" The door slams in her face.
Emma turns as she hears rustling in the bushes and her mother appears.
"Oh Emma I'm SO sorry, I didn't mean for any of this to happen, somehow hitting the sweaters instead of you made the swans come to life, I only wanted you to see-"
"YOU did this? The fucking swans...of course. Why would you do something like this? How could you?"
"We only wanted you both to see how much you belong together."
"WE? Whose we? Oh. My. God. You got the whole damn town in on this little scheme of yours didn't you? And Henry too? What the HELL Mary-Margaret?"
Snow visibly flinches at the use of her curse name. "Neither one of you were willing to do anything! We thought you just needed a little...nudge, that's all."
"Oh a nudge that's just great, you just got me nudged right the hell out of my house, GEE THANKS." Emma storms off getting into her yellow bug and driving off.
David runs up the street, "What happened? What's wrong?"
"Oh David, everything's wrong." She cries running into his arms.
Chapter 8
~Nothing a Little Serenading Can't Fix~
"Gimme another one and make it a double!"
"Emma don't you think you've had enough for tonight?" The short bald man behind the counter of The Rabbit Hole asks worriedly before sneezing yet again.
"Ya know what Shneezy? Why don't you worry more about getting your sinuses finally checked and less about how well I hold my liquor, m'kay?"
"I'm not one of the dwarves... I'm a goblin." He answers gruffly before walking off.
"I WAS BEING RHETORICAL, Jesus Christ does EVERYONE have to be a friggin fairytale character in this town?"
"Rough night?"
Emma turns abruptly at the voice, peering up. "Well my night is made! If it isn't Her Holy-freaking-fairy-ness Herself! I didn't even know you were still here! SIT DOWN! Have a drink with me! Wanna play some darts?" She points with her thumb to the wall where her matching swans sweater is pinned with several darts coming out of the heart and head areas.
"Well I see that worked out well." The Diva mutters to herself before elegantly perching on the stool signalling the bartender for a drink. "So tell me, what's got you down in the dumps?"
"The Universe that's what! Would you mind doing something about that? Could you please kindly tell the Universe to stop fucking me over? Or is that too much to ask the Great Mother-in-the-sky?"
"That good of a night huh?" Cher smirks before taking a sip of her drink, "You know the funny thing about the universe is it seems like it doesn't give a rat's ass about you most of the time-then poof-something magical happens."
"Yeah, well I think I've had enough magical POOFING to last me a lifetime, thanks." She pauses looking down into the empty bottom of her glass, "I just...no matter what I seem to do I can't ever make her happy, I've taken away her hapiness since the day I was born."
"Regina, huh? Yeah, she's a tough nut to crack, that's for sure. Have you tried talking to her? Telling her how you feel?"
"Pfft, Ha! I've tried talking to her, pleading with her, begging for her to understand! Hell I even..." The blonde trails off awkwardly, blushing at the memory of their kiss coming vividly to her mind. "But it doesn't matter because she HATES me and I just have to accept that."
Emma clunks her head on the counter in both frustration and intoxication.
"...Have you tried singing to her?"
Emma lifts her head and looks at Cher in disbelief, a blonde brow raised, "Really? You can't be serious, come on."
"Hey, I'll have you know I have worked out many a problem with a good song, don't knock it 'til you try it."
"Yeah, but like that's YOU. I can't sing on key to save my life!"
"It's not about how well you sing, if your heart is pure then the music will pour out, and...well..sometimes a little bit of help goes a long way." She sets a small bottle with a blue liquid in front of Emma, the blonde takes it about to speak when a voice that never fails to send shivers down her spine calls out.
"Miss Swan, what is the meaning of this? Do you have any idea how worried our son has been? We have been calling and searching for you for hours, and of course you're in the most predictable place of all...anywhere with the nearest booze." Regina crosses her arms, rolling her eyes with a huff.
"How the hell did you even find me? Why did you even find me? I thought you wanted me out of your house, what do you care?"
"I may have called her." Cher answers sheepishly, raising up her finger in admittance.
"Et tu, Chertus?" The blonde looks at her in betrayal.
"Yes she called me, because you are embarrassing yourself and need to go home."
"I don't have a home, YOU KICKED ME OUT REMEMBER?"
"I'll admit I may have overreacted slightly, but this is ridiculous, immature, and a terrible example to our son. You need to at least go home to your parents before you harm yourself or someone else."
"I'm sorry, ok? I'm just always so sorry, Regina. I never meant to hurt you, I wish I could say I'd change saving Marian but I can't, I wish I could just go back and-" She stares down at the bottle of liquid still in her hand. She glances back at Cher before poping the top of the small bottle and downing it in one gulp.
"Oh excellent apology, let's get more intoxicated, I am so moved-be still my heart." A Regina Mills classic eye-roll follows.
Suddenly music begins playing from the piano at the corner of the room, a tune Regina knows so well. A spot light appears from nowhere directly on Emma as well as an old vintage style microphone that glides from across the room stopping directly in front of her.
Emma takes a deep breath and begins singing in a soft soprano of the highest quality, shaky and nervous at first but soon the music and the cheer of the crowd gives her confidence.
"If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way.
I'd take back those words that have hurt you,
And you'd stay..."
Emma begins swaying her body to the music as Regina stares transfixed.
"I don't know why I did the things I did.
I don't know why I said the things I said.
Pride's like a knife, it can cut deep inside.
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes."
Emma locks eyes with her Mayor as she puts all her emotions into the next lyrics,
"I didn't really mean to hurt you,
I didn't wanna see you go,
I know I made you cry, but Baby!
If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way.
I'd take back those words that have hurt you,
And you'd stay!
Emma starts doing a full dance routine, her eyes bulging and face in shock as though she has no idea how she is doing this professional level dance performance.
"If I could reach the stars,
I'd give them all to you.
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do."
Emma finishes her routine by sliding across the floor on her knees stopping in front of Regina, breathing heavily. She pauses uncertain what to do next, waiting. Regina stares at her for a long moment before finally taking a deep breath and opening her mouth revealing a rich alto,
"My world was shattered, I was torn apart.
Like someone took a knife,
And drove it deep in my heart."
Emma looks down certain she's lost, when the brunette puts her fingers under Emma's chin, lifting her head, locking eyes as Regina sings the next verse so meaningfully,
"When you walked out that door I swore that I didn't care.
But I lost everything darling then and there.
Too strong to tell you I was sorry,
Too proud to tell you I was wrong.
I know that I was blind, and darling;
Emma gets up off of her knees, hope on her face.
If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way.
I'd take back those words that have hurt you,
And you'd stay!
If I could reach the stars,
I'd give them all to you.
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do, ohh!"
Emma joins her in the song, the duet sounding just like the two women, seemingly at odds yet somehow perfectly harmonizing and creating a beautiful sound,
"If I could turn back time (If I could turn back time)
If I could turn back time, ohh Baby!
I didnt really mean to hurt you.
I didn't wanna see you go.
I know I made you cry,
But ohh! If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way.
I'd take back those words that have hurt you!
You'd stay...
If I could reach the stars,
I'd give them all to you.
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do!
If I could turn back time,
(Turn back time)
If I could find a way.
(Find a way)
Then maybe, maybe, maybe you'd stay...
(Reach the stars)
If I could reach the stars
(All to you)
I'd give them all to you!"
The two women come together, simply hugging in comfort and support.
"I just want you happy Regina, that's all, please be happy."
"And what if you're my happy ending?" The former villain asks softly turning to look at her.
Emma lets out an emotional laugh, "I guess that works out then, since I'm pretty sure you're my happy ending."
So many emotions and words and feelings pass between them as they kiss sweetly, saying everything in the simplest and oldest of ways.
"Damn I'm good." Cher congratulates herself on a job well done making the new couple break apart and smile at her, giddy laughter.
"What the hell has this place become? Once Upon a Really Gay Musical? Seriously messed up you guys." Happy obnoxiously blurts out in the corner, clearly having had a little too much "happiness" for him tonight.
"I'm pretty sure I don't like you," Cher responds back, "In fact I'm certain I don't like you, you remind me of this other dufus I set grouch up with. Do you know what happens when I don't like someone like you?" The Diva twirls her hand and Happy is enveloped by smoke, clearing away to reveal he's been turned into a giant Emoji with a permanent expression of shock on his face, his mouth in a big o.
"Nowthat's a much better look for you." Cher winks and everyone in the bar bursts into laughter.
...And they all lived happily ever after...well except for Happy (cause he's a douche and all), gotta love irony no?
Epilogue
Eight months later...
"Robin took a dump,
Robin took a dump,
He took a dump on you
He took a dump on me,
He took a dump all over O-U-A-TTTTTTT"
"And THAT ladies and gentlemen was Cher's new number-one hit single 'Robin took a duuummppp!' Would really hate to be THAT guy whoever inspired it, haha what a tool. I'm DJ McDee here on WAHOR 104.5 FM coming up next..."
David turns off the radio as he turns to his anxious wife pacing back and forth in the small room.
"Regina is going to really kill me this time and I won't blame her one bit HOW COULD I DAVID?"
David places his hands on his wife's shoulders, "Snow, Relax. Regina is not going to kill you...mainly because Emma would throw a fit." The former Shepherd boy gives his trademark side smirk trying to ease Mary-Margaret with humor to no avail.
"No I really messed up this time, Daniel wasn't truly my fault, this though? This can't be forgiven..." An elegant sniffle comes from the Princess.
"Snow...you told Cher the wrong time for the wedding...I don't think that's really the same thing here..."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, how could you? You're not a Cheratik, David don't try and pretend. She is never going to forgive me and honestly I can't blame her." The forlorn woman buries her face in his chest and sobs.
Suddenly Tink bursts into the room, "SHE'S HERE!"
Snow looks up, "But how? She was in L.A. for a show there's no way she could get here in time."
"You don't question Her Holiness," the blonde fairy responds in her New Zeal-er, Neverland accent, "all I know is she's here and it's time to get in places people!" The fairy runs off frantically to get everyone ready.
"Oh David I'm SAVED! I should have never questioned her, forgive me Cher." She looks up as though in prayer.
"I'm sure she knows you didn't do it intentionally, I'm going to go take my place next to Emma, I love you." He kisses her cheek before walking off.
Snow turns and there before her, in a stunning white gown perfectly tailored as always, is Regina with her bouquet in her hands. "Oh Regina, you look so beautiful there are simply no words. I still can't believe you asked me to give you away."
Snow's look of love and adoration is enough to give Regina the urge to throw a fireball her way on any normal day, however when she feels a wetness on her cheeks that she subtly tries to wipe away she realizes just how soft she has gone, it really ought to disgust her but she just can't seem to make herself care. "It was either you or that idiot Husband of yours and I suppose you ARE technically the only family I still have..."
Regina looks to the side attempting her stoic mask, but apparently failing if Snow's beaming smile is anything to go by. "Well...that will change today, and I am honoredto call you ohana. Are you ready?"
"I've never been more ready for anything in my entire life. I love her you know, I love them both so very much."
Snow looks at her intently, "I know you do, shall we?"
"Yes, we should before something else goes wrong-like telling certain important people the wrong time." Regina smirks at the look of terror on Snow's face, oh yeah she's still got it.
The music begins and the two former enemies link arms beginning the procession down the aisle. Everyone stares, still shocking to see the two foes so close. Regina only has eyes across the room, Emma standing tall with a beaming smile in a fitted tuxedo that only showcases her beauty, David and Henry standing to her right, her best men.
Snow kisses Regina's cheek and sits down as Regina takes her place beside her bride.
"Hi." Emma breathlessly whispers, to which the brunette smiles in return.
"So...is someone going to marry these two or are we just standing here lookin' pretty?" Grumpy grumbles, cause of course he would.
"She'll be here don't you worry." Tink answers faithfully.
Right on cue a swirling purple vortex appears above their heads forming a portal, wind and all. A Unicorn with rainbow colored wings come swooping out of it with none other than Cher herself riding on top of it, landing right before them, wearing her iconic Chieftan Tribal Outfit few could pull off at ANY age.
"See? I told you she'd be here, she just knows how to make an entrance." Tink says smugly.
The deity brushes off her shoulders, "Now then, I believe I'm supposed to be marrying somebody today?"
She walks up to the altar and everyone sits down. "Thank you all for coming, we are gathered here today in celebration of the joining of True Love in Holy Matrimony, Emma Swan and Regina Mills. Never have I seen two women who belong to each other more than these two, so much so-that I even had to step in and knock some sense into 'em." She smirks and everyone in the room laughs, "I am very happy to be a part of their story and have the honor of marrying them. Now, do we have the rings?"
Everyone turns to David who looks blank, "Huh? I don't have the rings!"
"What do you mean you DON'T HAVE THE RINGS?" Emma Whispers furiously.
"I thought Henry had them!"
"I don't have them, I thought YOU had them?" Chaos ensues as everyone tries to figure out just WHO has the rings.
"People, People, CALM DOWN, I believe I know who our culprit is." Cher looks towards the end of the aisle, where walking down it, dressed in a rather fashionable Poncho-Tuxedo (only the cool cats have them) was none other than Mr. Big Himself.
"Awwww, you're just such a cute little ring bearer there Mr. Big." Emma leans down and picks him up, removing the two gold wedding rings fastened to his neck and scratching his ear before letting him back down.
"Well now that that's settled, Emma Swan do you take Regina Mills as your lawfully wedded wife? In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for as long as you both shall live?"
"I Do."
"And do you, Regina Mills take Emma Swan as your lawfully wedded wife? In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for as long as you both shall live?"
Eyes only on her bride, Regina answers, "I Do."
"If there is any reason why these two people should not be bound together for all eternity, speak now or forever hold your peac-"
The doors bursts open and two men come running down the aisle yelling, "WAAIIITTT!" Stopping in front of the altar panting, wheezing, grabbing at their lower backs, and trying to adjust their glasses.
"Adam? Eddie? What in the HELL are you two doing here?" Emma asks in her as usual, eloquent fashion.
"You-can't-get-married!" Eddie wheezes out.
"WHAT? Why in the hell not?" Regina chimes in, sounding rather like her almost bride.
Adam holds up a bundle of flapping papers, "It's not in the script! This wedding, this relationship, IT'S ALL UNINTENTIONAL!"
"Yeah we honestly have no idea how you two are even a thing right now, last thing I remember I was listening to Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves and I started smelling this incredible fragrance…."
"Uh, Hook buddy would you take care of this one for me?" Cher looks at him knowingly.
"Yeah sure thing, love." He walks towards the two men and they instantly perk up, all focus on him.
"Hook! Uh wow, we didn't know YOU'D be here, how are you?" Eddie licks his lips, trying-and failing-to keep it in his pants.
"Funny thing you should ask, mate. Me and Swan here just aren't goin' to work out, and so that left me to thinking...I need a happy ending too don't I?" The former Captain gives his patented smolder standing far too close to the poor man who obviously doesn't stand a chance, rubbing his hook up and down Eddie's shoulder and chest.
The man gulps deeply, adam's apple bobbing, "Oh, well OF COURSE, we want you happy! We love you! LLOOVEE you! But if you don't get everything you ever wanted including Emma-we don't know how to make that happen."
"Yeah, we we're going to give you Regina's Happy Ending, no offence Regina." Adam chimes in.
"I'm used to it." She answers drolly.
"Two words for you mate," holding up two fingers he leans conspiratorily towards them and stage whispers, "Spin. Off. I'm thinking the whole works, beautiful wenches, high adventures, swashbuckling, and rum drinking! It's sure to be a BIG hit. We'll call it," He puts his hand across the air like a marquee, "Once Upon a Hook, clever eh?"
"Gee that sounds like a great idea, but I'm not sure the network would go for it after Wonderland, we would need to have a sponsor lined up." Adam fidgets his glasses, sad to let down his Hooky."
"Well that's the most brilliant part mate, you see unfortunately Captain Floor & More is unfortunately...no more."
"What? You're kidding!"
"That's terrible!" Both men heartbroken Hook wasn't an instant success.
"I know mind boggling isn't it? Apparently there isn't a demand for new flooring in a town that's kept up by magic-who knew? However! I've been talking to Elsa, I'm her new Beard, that's what they call paramours in Arendale, you see," The clueless rogue smirks and winks, "and she and I have decided to go into business together - 'Captain Frozen Fish Sticks-because the product of true love should be deep fried and battered' I'll handle the fish and she'll handle the freezing, perfect partnership, eh? So WE'LL be your sponsors! It's going to be brilliant!"
Hook puts an arm around each of them, walking them towards the door, their faces full of glee and slight confusion. Killian looks back towards Cher mouthing You owe me, to which she nods. "Now what do you think about me taking a trip to the Caribbean in search of the fountain of..." the merry trio walk off into the sunset together.
"Damn, Team Horkits really DID want the Killy D." Henry thinks out loud, to which he receives reproving looks from both his mothers.
"Henry!"
"Kid!"
"What? It's true!" Both woman can't help concede the point.
"Does anyone else have a reason why these two shouldn't marry?" Cher asks as Regina summons a fireball in her palm. No one answers. "Then by the powers invest in me by our Great Mother Earth, I know pronounce you Mrs. & Mrs. Swan-Mills, you may now kiss your bride." The crowd cheers as lips meet in joined union.
"Alright well that's finally taken care of, LET'S PARTY!" the crowd roars as Emma and Regina run down the aisle and everyone follows.
Hours of dancing and laughter and joy later, Regina finds herself alone outside of Granny's the reception party winding down. She feels a presence at her side and turns to see Cher there, "We're all so happy, I can never repay you for all you have given me, thank you, truly. You have to go now don't you? Will I ever see you again?"
"I'm not Mary freaking Poppins, Regina. I don't just blow in with the east wind and blow out again when everyone is happy, never to be seen again. You'll see me from time to time, I do love your Lasagna." She nudges Regina's shoulder, who smiles softly.
Cher's bus pulls up and she walks towards it turning back at the last moment, "Remember Regina, you're the only one who can give you your happiness, your destiny is in your hands, no one else's." The bus takes off and the doors close, leaving Regina to contemplate the wise words for a moment before walking back in to join the party and her Ohana.
~ The End~
Or is it...?
AN: No, it is-I got nothin' else.
I would just like to formally apologize to Her Holiness, Cher-for horrifically degrading her down to the level of OUAT simply by association. You may be wondering what you ever did to me to have me treat you this way, and my answer is...absolutely nothing, I am so sorry-I love you.
AND FINALLY I DEDICATE THIS TO STITCH HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE, CHER YOU CAN BLAME HER FOR EVERYTHING.