AN: Sorry I'm still working on the next chapter (14) of Someone to Believe In, my Masters Program is really full on so I'm not even up to date with the latest NCIS LA episodes but I promise it's coming! :/ This is something from my archives, a deleted scene from Someone To Believe In - set after chapter 7 but referencing the kiss in chapter 6 exploring what might be going through Nell's head with her growing attraction to Eric and falling back on the retreat behaviour we often see on the show after she feels she's gotten too close as well as highlighting some of Eric's insecurities. But mostly I hated the cover of her working for TV, she's way too smart! It got scrapped so I could actually get onto the details of the case but I really like it so I thought I'd share it with you to tide you over before the next Someone chapter is up.

Dedication: To NCISNewbie - for being an amazing support, you wouldn't have ever seen this without out her input.

Disclaimer: NCIS LA still not mine by any leap of imagination.

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Nell thought she'd been doing a good job of hiding it, that she hadn't actually been caught staring wistfully at her phone despite a few close misses. She knew Eric was bending over backwards to make her feel as comfortable with this whole charade as was within his power to do so. She'd been confused and on edge ever since their kiss because despite the all of reasons why it shouldn't happen again, not least because this was all part of an elaborate charade, she wanted more. She wanted Eric, and this time she didn't want an audience, she wanted his undivided attention. Knowing that having it might mean destroying their friendship and potentially putting them at greater risk by posing a distraction, Nell had tried to pull back, removing herself from temptation. After all, she didn't exactly have a good track record when it came to dating.

He'd let her have her space and not tried to push the unspoken rule about keeping it as normal as they could when they knew no-one was watching and she was grateful. But apparently she'd stepped over a line somewhere or other and for once, he called her on it.

"You going to tell me who it is you want to call?" Eric asked gently, but with a surprising lack of his normal hesitation when asking Nell questions she might not want to answer.

Nell looked up sharply from the book she'd only been pretending to read. She was so stunned by the look of resignation in Eric's face that she found it hard to figure out what to say. The normal, throwing the question back as if she didn't understand why he would ask it, clearly wasn't going to work this time. She wasn't used to Eric's expressive face taking on the impassiveness it had now or the flat tone rather than his voice asking if it was okay to ask whatever he'd just asked, and it scared her slightly.

"I know we always tell people undercover they can't contact anyone, but with a mini Ops centre I could make the call come from Africa if I wanted and no-one not even the real Ops, would ever be any the wiser. So please, tell me where you want to be calling from and just call the guy already." Eric's words were soft and what he was offering was incredible and totally against the rules.

If she hadn't known him so well she'd never have noticed he said it as though it hurt to form each word.

Nell wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry at the irony of this situation.

The reason she was so desperate to make this call was because of the guy sitting all of eighteen inches away, who'd somehow gotten under her skin. She was having a really hard time pretending to be married whenever they had company and believing that they were still just best friends when they were alone and that all these mixed-up feelings would go away once they got back to their chairs in Ops and didn't have the gorgeous little girl, who'd stolen both their hearts, to share any more.

She wanted to find some extra dimension she could slip into so she could pretend none of this had ever happened but she knew that she was stuck in this room, on this couch, having this conversation for the foreseeable future and that putting off answering any longer would just cause both of them unnecessary pain, so she had to try and answer. Just not with the whole truth.

"My sister. I really want to talk to my older sister Bec and I'll settle for New York if you can put me there."

It was Eric's turn to whip round in surprise and Nell could see hope waring with a strong thread of disbelief.

"Bec's got two little kids; a girl who's nine, a boy who's eleven and a husband."

Nell paused, knowing that much wouldn't really make sense to Eric, despite being an expert in predicting her she thoughts at work. The next bit was the emotional stuff and she needed another couple of seconds so she didn't end up accidentally admitting, actually it was her feelings for him she needed her sister to sort out. Not that some parenting advice wouldn't be nice, it just wasn't the point.

"I feel like I'm not very good at this 'pretending to be a suburban mother and a wife' thing and Bec and I have this pact, to whip the other into shape whenever they start being irrational. Like when I started freaking out that I wasn't going to get into the college I wanted because I'd written in blue pen and there are all these studies saying black-ink increases marks given in exams or when she decided she couldn't cope with having to ever go to another tennis day in her entire life after a particularly bad experience with some crazy housewives from the next suburb along tampering with her racket's stings."

Nell wasn't quite sure why she'd told Eric about the pen-ink or tennis racket experiences out of the hundreds of mini dramas they'd had since making the pack when she was eight and Bec was ten-and-a-half. She'd been surprised how easy it had been, looking at him and sharing things which usually only Bec ever heard.

Maybe it was the relief, which was so visible in every aspect of his body it was almost a posture all of it own. Eric's face had slowly softened back to its usual Lexus of emotions, the muscles he'd unintentionally been tightening against the coming answer slowly uncurling or the slight flush which tinged his throat when he realised she wasn't just saying her sister because she didn't want to admit to wanting to call some guy. Maybe it was the knowledge that, even though she knew he had feelings for her, he'd been willing to risk Hetty and high water so she could talk to some other guy.

But it wasn't any of those that made her abandon all desire for a rift in time. It was the hand that reached out across the space between them and entwined with hers.

"I can get you to New York."

It was less, a statement of fact and more a promise that everything was going to be okay. That together they'd make it through.

Anyone else would have rushed in to say she was doing an incredible job: that there was nothing to worry about; that Bethany clearly loved her; that she was a great pretend wife and a convincing member of the neighbourhood and so on. But Eric didn't need to tell her any of that. It came out in the subtle compliments after visitors left; in the way he and Bethany made sure she knew they appreciated it when she cooked or cleaned up after them; and that even though Bethany had chosen Nell to read her bedtime stories, Eric always managing to finish whatever he was doing in time to listen too. They might be acting whenever they were out and about, but in the relative safety of their temporary home, this family was all too real. And that scared Nell.

Looking down at their joined hands; Eric's thumb tracing an unconscious path backwards and forwards across the back of her hand, his gold wedding band warm against her fingers, Nell made a decision.

"My family think I'm a Social Anthropologist. That I work in an advisory to the government and field research role specialising in minority communities and the clash of cultures and beliefs. I figured it was the closest I could get to what I actually do, while also having a great explanation for all the time I've spent in South America and the Middle East and any times when I have to randomly go off grid or miss important occasions. It means I can practically say 'I'm undercover as a housewife with a small child' and they'll smile and say 'I think you mean 'in-situ' you can almost hear the condescending 'dear' when they pause before they say 'it's only top secret government agents in movies that are 'undercover' and we all laugh. But I haven't had to lie too much."

Nell loved watching Eric absorb new information. You could see him turning the information around in his mind and following all off-shoot ideas which the information created as he not only connected dots with existing knowledge but formed new ones. She could also see what trusting him with this much meant to him.

"Nice! That's actually really clever." Eric's voice took on the bubbly mix of admiration and excitement lending it a slightly awed quality, his smile growing as he spoke. "Anthropology is such a diverse field, which most people don't really understand anyway, but it is essentially what intelligence analysts do if you remove all the cloak and dagger stuff and the 'me reading this wrong might mean we go the wrong way when looking for a bomb' issue. It comes down to: study these people and figure out what they'll do or if you know what they've done, figure out who they are and what they'll do next. You can cite privacy issues or that the research is ongoing if they want specifics. And not having to really lie, that's genius. But - what about your University qualifications?"

She'd forgotten how good it felt to tell Eric things. She couldn't help but smile back at his enthusiasm, which was so similar to her own response when she'd thought of it, he even asked the same question she had.

"Because I got recruited for intelligence at the beginning of College it was a cover which was established very early. I have a Bachelor and PhD that are Intelligence related as well as a Bachelor and PhD in Anthropology but they obviously don't want to publicise the intelligence ones so each time I graduated, it was in Anthropology and the Intelligence ones would be given to me later, in private. The PhD in Anthropology was only going to be a Masters but the two sets of qualifications had to be the same for the scheme to work so I ended up working on a second thesis."

There weren't many people who could nod sagely, seeing the inner beauty of a scheme that required, in an off-hand manner, completing a second and completely unnecessary PhD. Given that most people would consider one PhD to be the pinnacle achievement in a career, reached only by years of laborious study - it was a feat very few were foolish enough to attempt twice. But, aside from genuine admiration and something that looked an awful lot like pride in her achievements, there was no change in Eric's demeanour.

She'd battled all her life against her hatred of having to alter the way she spoke or did things so that the people she was talking to we're able to follow her ideas. To talk down her abilities and qualifications if there were too many egos at play. It gave them control (well a tiny bit) over her and she didn't like it, but the blank/what-drugs-are-you-on? Looks were generally worse. It never ceased to amaze her how different it was at NCIS. Sure if she was doing anything technological, the team usually needed a translation but it was no different than her needing one when Kensi started talking about the inner working of her car, Nell got by just fine with the ordinary and knew when to call a mechanic. But as much as she loved the team, their acceptance had nothing on the high that came with finding someone she could talk on the same level with, no filters just exactly the way she thought.

Nell let the pause drag just that tiny bit longer before she made up her mind.

"So, after you set up the call - you could stay and say hi to Bec if you wanted."

Making the offer felt a little bit like stepping out onto a tightrope with your eyes closed and waiting to see how far you had to fall when you opened them. Yes, he'd accidentally met her parents once, via webcam, but she didn't intentionally share anything like that, ever. And she and Eric hadn't been the same back then either.

Eric's thumb paused mid swipe, his eyes widening and the smile slipping slightly in shock as he tried to process what she was offering. She thought for a second he was going to lose his ability to speak, the way he had last time they'd gotten too close on an undercover operation, at the security firm a few months ago.

But he gently squeezed her hand and looking into her eyes with a shy smile said, "I'd like that."

She could see he had questions, but if anything had changed over the past thirteen days, it was that so much of the awkwardness had gone and he'd developed this incredible ability to just accept all the little steps she made in his direction without needing to know where this was going. All the time spent acting like a couple had broken down a lot of the physical barriers too. They'd gotten used to being in each other's space, just like they'd gotten used to finishing each other's sentences. Touch had seamlessly become part of the way they communicated. They reached out instinctively for the other if they wanted to get their attention, direct movement or give support. It was amazing how actions that had felt possessive or overwhelming from other people; like a hand on her lower-back guiding her movements or sitting close enough on the couch that their thighs touched, from Eric actually felt reassuring and pleasant, like she had an ally in enemy territory.

It seemed perfectly normal, having been pulled gently to her feet as Eric got up, by the hand he still held, to step forward and wrap her arms around his waist rather than try and find words to say how much this meant.

"Just don't shut me out."

Nell smiled at the whispered words that came with a kiss pressed into her hair, realising that while talking to Bec was still something she wanted to do, right now, this was exactly what she needed.

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x-x-x-x

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Talking to Bec had helped Nell hash out those thoughts. Since coming to LA she'd been telling herself that she was above all of those doubts about whether she was worth it but when it came to it, when she'd finally found out just how much chemistry there was between herself and Eric she'd run scared. And like always Bec had called her on it…

"I know you Nell. I know how much you like to keep everything separate - work, family, relationships - we all get our own sections and you don't like it when they cross over but that's the difference with loving someone rather than just liking them. You realise that it's not just that you want to trust them; you already do trust them. They've already transcended every barrier you've put up because deep down you don't want to keep them out. They've become an intrinsic part of your life and the Nell who comes home whenever she can for Christmas is not a separate person to the Nell who has movie nights with her work friends after a long week and that Nell isn't separate from the Nell who puts in weekends and public holidays every time they need her to make sure the projects she's part of have every possible chance of success."

Nell bit her lip. Speech was beyond her; her mind overwhelmed at the cascade of fear and hope and memories tumbling over each other. She didn't know what scared her most, that Bec might be right or that she might be wrong? Was this it? Was this her chance to maybe have the family she'd grown up always assuming she'd be able to have only to have her expectations cut down to size by the harsh reality of both a genius IQ and a career in intelligence? What if this was going to be one more slap-in-the-face reminder that she wasn't cut out for that kind of long-term relationship? Did she really want to risk losing Eric over this new attraction when she knew just how badly every other serious relationship had ended?

But as always, Bec somehow managed to see inside her darkest fears even when Nell didn't say a word.

"And I know how much it hurt when you were fighting your way up the food chain in your completely male dominated profession to realise there are a whole heap of guys out there whose egos were so delicate they could only profess to love you while they were your superior. I remember all the reasons why you swore you'd never do that again; you'd never mix work with a relationship. And I know you're saying that it's too soon, too fast, too new. But it's literally been years Nell! You've gone at glacial speed for so long - as competing colleagues, then as just colleagues, then colleagues who talked outside work, then work friends, then work friends who also saw each other outside of work and finally as real friends who happen to work together - its been so slow you probably never really realised just how close you actually were until suddenly you were there and it didn't feel wrong, it just was."

"Years," Nell whispered, trying to allow that word to reorganise everything else into a different perspective. This all felt so new. But it wasn't really new. They'd been getting closer and closer, spending more and more time together outside work -

Bec laughed, "All my eloquence whittled down to a simple noun."

Nell startled, realising she must have spoken aloud; she'd been so tangled up in her thoughts she'd almost forgotten Bec was still there.

"Uh, huh. I'm still here," Bec said, grinning at Nell's surprise before sobering to return to her original point. "I'm not saying you have to figure it all out right now, and Nell, only you can decide how you really feel about him but I think you owe it to yourself to at least try and open up just a little bit more. He seems like he might actually be as amazing as we've been lead to believe over all these years. A man whose mind you admire, who challenges you, respects you and even though he's protective it also sounds like he's going to back you up if you go for that promotion that'll take you away from the office onto the front line of community integration assessment more often."

Nell couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing that Bec had a memory like an elephant, you couldn't ever tell her anything personal and expect her to forget it. The good, the bad and the ugly all remained as clearly engraved in her sister's brain as the day you told her. But it was only oral so there had been times when Nell had reported to hacking her sister's IM chat logs or email and removing sensitive conversations because as Bec knew she didn't remember anything written perfectly, the way she did with conversations, she was notorious for searching for the file or email and quoting it back to you. But most of their conversations about Eric had been verbal, when she'd needed to hash out her thinking - like now - which meant she was up against everything she'd ever said she'd felt.

"The one who bought you a book he genuinely thought you'd like, just because he was trying to find a way to tell you he cared without getting his head bitten off by your alter-ego, Defensive Nell. And even though it was all a really big misunderstanding, as I remember it, you actually loved that book when you finally got around to opening it."

But it was reminding her of the little things that had gotten over-run when the anxiety had kicked in. She did, and she always had, admired Eric's mind and grown to admire the man behind the mind more with every passing day. How much it meant to have someone she could be completely herself with, who had accommodated her need to finish his sentences rather than trying to force her to change - and now that give and take way of speaking was just as easy as breathing.

"I don't want to lose him," Nell said suddenly, the thought tainting all of the affirmations that this might be right.

"You can lose people by pushing them away as easily as you can lose them by pulling them in against their will," Bec said quietly.

"Which suggests the status quo is the best -"

"C'mon Nell, you study society so don't try and tell me that probability based rationalism is the underlying determinant for the success or failure of social interactions. How much did it hurt when the people you thought were telling you that you were important to them backed away?"

"It's not like that -" Nell's face burned as she remembered being on the receiving end of more than one 'misunderstanding' but that wasn't what she was doing!

"You're what Nell? Blurring the lines of reality? So that makes it okay to keep changing your mind?"

"I don't know." There was a pause and then she continued.

" I want more." There, she'd said it. But it didn't change her fears, "I just don't know if having it is just going to send everything to hell -" Nell blew out a breath, her conviction fleeing as she did. Maybe she was just like those guys she'd dated, always looking out for themselves so they never got hurt.

"I don't have any of the answers but I think you need to put a little bit more faith in how you feel, and less emphasis on whether or not you're worth it. He clearly believes that you are worth it and he cares about you but he doesn't strike me as someone with the necessary arrogance to keep believing indefinitely without any consistent encouragement."

Nell's eyes flicked to the floor, shame at the confusion Eric must be feeling piling on top of her own doubt.

"'More' doesn't have to be all or nothing either."

Nell looked up, confused. To change a relationship or not to change a relationship felt pretty clear cut to her.

"I mean can't you just let things evolve? Not necessarily push for change but take each situation as new, and when you strike one that makes either of you uncomfortable you say something - don't just draw back. Talk to him, Nell."

"Don't shut me out," Nell mused, discovering that the earlier panic was receding again, the way it had when she'd stepped into his arms earlier.

"Exactly."

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x-x-x-x

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Nell grinned despite herself when she thought of the conversation she'd had with Eric afterwards, when she'd gone up to bed. It had seemed easier somehow, lying beside him in the darkness, to admit that at times their new closeness scared her. And that it scared her because he meant so much to her. His response had been gentle and considered, but that new quiet confidence was evident in his soft words, "You're not going to lose me, Nell. You're not in this alone. I can't promise it'll be easy for everything to go back the way it was before but you will always be my best friend first and you can tell me anything." Most of what Nell remembered about the conversation that followed was a feeling of security, of being listened to in a way she'd never really experienced before and of sharing with another person feelings she'd always thought of as being too close to reveal without opening herself up to a far greater hurt in the future.

The next morning was the first morning when she hadn't woken up hugging the edge of the bed closest to the door. She remembered gradually drifting into wakefulness, that impression of being so comfortable she couldn't move gradually changing to a growing awareness of something surrounding her, holding her in place. Something that shifted ever so slightly closer when she moved.

"Eric." Nell mumbled, as her mind finally made the obvious connection even as the rest of her mind clung to sleep.

"Alarm hasn't gone off yet," Nell felt the mumbled words across the back of her neck and when she shivered his arm tightened around her middle drawing her closer to his heat. Apparently that was reason enough to shut her eyes, to left go of the thought which had brought her up to this state of partial wakefulness because it was definitely the alarm that woke them the second time.

But somehow, they were okay with this new proximity and there didn't seem to be any reason to fight it when for the first time since starting this assignment she didn't feel like she needed an extra 4 hours sleep, she actually felt rested. Something that even when she was home in her own bed, was a rare commodity.