A/N: We're ba-ack! Here is another one of our completely insane Nagini fics! Enjoy!!
Once upon a time Hermione was walking aimlessly around
the Hogwarts grounds, wallowing in self-pity, when she came upon a hut. A sign
on the door informed Hermione that it was:
Hermione was baffled, but she figured she could use some
therapy, so she went inside. She found a large snake curled up on the floor
with a clipboard, sitting next to one of those funny therapy couch things.
HERM: Uh, hello? Are you Nagini?
NAGINI: Why yes… Come lie on my therapy couch! We can sort out your problems!
HERM: Uh, okay. But first I was wondering about your sign.
NAGINI: What about it?
HERM: Well, the part about the cow was odd…
NAGINI: (Through gritted fangs) Don't—say—cow—it's a touchy subject!
HERM: Well, then why did you put it on your sign—
NAGINI: So that certain dark lords (glares at the framed picture of Voldemort hanging on the wall) will STOP MILKING ME!!!!!!!!!!!
HERM: Uh, okay… but how can you be milked? You're not a mammal, and only mammals produce milk…
NAGINI: VENOM! He's milking my venom you idiot!
HERM: So technically he's not milking you in the same way a cow would be milked, and that makes it a bad comparison…
NAGINI: I DON'T CARE! That's how Voldie referred to it! He's even started calling me Bessie…
HERM: (sarcastically) Oh, that is SO degrading
NAGINI: If you don't believe me, you can call him yourself! 1-800-KILL-KILL-KILL.
HERM: Uh… (shifting in her seat)… lets change the subject. Uh… on to my problems!
NAGINI: (perks up) Oh yes yes! So, poor little thing, what's on your poor little mind? Hormones acting up again? Get it—Hormones sounds like Hermione! Gaffaw Gaffaw!
HERM: Uh, no, that is NOT my problem!
NAGINI: Well, girl, spill those beans! Beans…Mmmmmm!
HERM: Okay, well, (thinks a moment), I'm worried about my friend Harry.
NAGINI: Okay, so 'splain!
HERM: Well, he's always in so much danger with You-Know-Who wanting to kill him and all. And he's not as careful as he should be—I just don't want anything to happen to him…
NAGINI: (Grinning slyly) Do I detect a little crush on in Harry-poo??
HERM: (in an unusually high and squeaky voice) No! Of course not! Why would you think that?
NAGINI: Let's just say I have my ways. Okay, this is good. Bottled-up passions are my specialty!
HERM: (Thru gritted fangs… I mean teeth) I—don't—have—any—bottled—up—passions!
NAGINI: How about bottled-up hormones? Those are my specialty too!
HERM: NO! Are you going to help me with my problem or not.
NAGIN: Of course, I have the perfect solution: we should just kill Harry now! Get it over with! I know someone who could do the job right away! Just call 1-800-KILL-KILL-KILL! Ooooh! And then we could roast him! Or better—deep-fry him! Of course, I do have to watch my figure…
Hermione was so appalled that she ran out of the hut screaming incoherently about deep-fried Harrys and a six-pack of Bottled-up-Passion.
A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Click below for another chapter of Nagini insanity…