1Title: How House Learned to Relax and Love the Bomb
Author's Note: Just your typical cliched post-nuclear holocaustHouse/Wilson first time slash humorfic. Nothing unusual here. Been done to death.
Warning: If you put a plastic Tupperware lid on the bottom rack of the dishwasher it will melt. Go ahead and flame me for this story if you'd like, but let's not pretend I didn't warn you about the Tupperware.
Further Author's Note: Before reading this story it would help to read Proust and brush up on your Heidegger. I don't mean you need them to understand this story. Lord, no. But they will help you become a more well-rounded person and far more entertaining at parties. To understand this story you just need large amounts of alcohol and the illegal drug of your choice. So wash down that quaalude with the rest of that tequila and let's go...
It was kinda funny how the world suddenly blew up. Well, not funny as in "ha ha Carlos Mencia" type of funny, but more along the lines of "hmm, that was odd and unexpected" type of funny. Come to think of it, some people wouldn't find it funny at all, but most of those wet blankets were either dead or dying and were of no concern to the doctors making their way through the dusty, rubble-strewn streets of what used to be New Jersey.
To be fair, most of New Jersey had been dusty and rubble-strewn even before the bomb. Couldn't blame that one on the North Koreans. But Princeton Plainsboro had once been a very nice, decent place to go on about the business of being alive and was only now a dump. Fucking North Koreans. This was exactly the reason the world didn't allow small rogue nations to have weapons more powerful than pea shooters.
When nuclear devices go off, a lot of unpleasant things happen; in fact, an air blast over your city can ruin your dinner plans quite effectively. Fortunately, when the bomb dropped outside Princeton Plainsboro House and Wilson were eating lunch in the basement morgue. This was House's latest hideaway from Cuddy and her insane, bitchy insistence that he do his job. He had no real problem with doing his job, except that it was work and work was boring and germy and he didn't wanna.
Wilson didn't object to eating in the morgue. It was cool and quiet down there and besides, it did no good to object to anything House wanted, anyway. This was why, when House finished his own lunch and attacked his friend's, Wilson didn't bother to do more than sigh and push the plate closer.
"You know, some people do-" he started when there was a huge rumbling sound and the hospital started to shake.
House was startled enough to drop Wilson's dinner roll. "Either that's an earthquake or Chase just closed escrow with that new NICU resident."
Wilson's eyes widened. "What the hell was that?"
"Okay, see, that question would have gone better if asked before my comment, but I'll let it slide." House heaved himself to his feet and the two doctors made their way to the elevators. Wilson punched the button and nothing happened.
"Can you make it up the stairs?"
House batted his eyes. "With you at my side, anything's possible."
They made their way slowly to the lobby floor and opened the exit door. The scene in front of them was chaos. The lobby was in ruins, glass everywhere from the glass doors and windows blowing in, people staggering around, dust swirling through the air. All in all, it looked like the Nets had won the championship.
House surveyed the destruction. "Good job, Chase." He sobered. "And speaking of my ducklings..." He started off toward his office at a pace that belied the fact that half of his right thigh was toast.
Wilson followed on his heels anxiously. House's office was a microcosm of the mess in the lobby. House was searching through the rubble, counting ducklings. "One," he remarked, pointing at Cameron, who emerged from under the desk. "Two," he continued, waving his cane at Chase, who was, remarkably, still sleeping peacefully on the couch. He frowned. "Okay, so we have the pretty one. And Cameron. I'm still a minion short, so has anyone seen the black sheep of the family?"
"Here," Foreman called, stepping in cautiously. He was covered with dust that had turned his dark skin gray.
House looked around. "Show of hands: who here expects me to make a Michael Jackson joke?" When no one responded, he shrugged. "Okay, so does anyone know what happened to make this hospital al fresco? It seems like the place had windows last time I-" he trailed off, looking out the window. "Oh, fuck. Not good."
Wilson followed his gaze. Outside, day had turned to night and small fires seemed to be everywhere. That was bad enough, but there was also a mushroom cloud hanging far in the distance. Wilson considered several exclamations, but "oh fuck, not good" seemed to cover the situation nicely.
"What should we do?" Cameron looked to House, panicked.
House held out his pill bottle. "We could all get stoned and watch The Day After." Cameron's face fell and acquired that reproachful look. "No, you're right, that movie always makes Wilson horny. I guess we can go see what the Wicked Witch of the West has to say." He made his way toward the door. "Come, ducklings."
Pausing by the couch, House gave Chase a sharp poke in the kidneys.
"Oy!" he exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. "House, dammit, I was-" he stopped. Blinked. Looked around. "Where did your office go?" he asked slowly.
"It's still here, koala kid," House soothed. "Just not in one piece. C'mon. Someone will fill you in as we go."
They found Cuddy in her office, surrounded by shaken doctors and nurses. House burst through the door, causing several yips of fear. He shot Cuddy a disappointed look. "Oh damn, I was hoping the hospital had fallen on you. I so wanted those ruby slippers."
Cuddy glared. "As I was saying, we need to stay calm and prepare for an influx of massive casualties. Dr. Reyes, as head of the Disaster Preparedness Committee, you take the lead on contacting government officials. Dr. Anderson, take a team and set up a triage center in the lobby."
There was probably a lot more, some of it important, but House stared off into space, a strange Mona Lisa smile on his handsome face. "You know what this means, right?" he mused out loud. "I'm out of clinic duty permanently!"
END PART 1