AN: Some sort of unofficial epilogue to the dropped 'Breathe'. Warnings for mentions of sexual abuse.
I kept imagining of all sorts of ways of having them let me go early. It was her fault that I was here in the first place- and when I'd get out, I'd want to let her have a piece of my mind. The very worst piece, the ugliest piece, the one everyone tried to hope didn't exist. The one I hoped would fade. In turn, it ended up becoming a part of me, and I didn't know if that meant I was on the path to a new life, or if it was just sad. One night left.
In my own opinion, I had made at least an effort. I thought that by opening my mind to new opportunities, listening intently to all pieces of knowledge and advice I was given, I'd make some solid progress. And for a while, I did- I think I did. I hope I did. My memory is all over the place. But I mean- wait- no, I was trying to take my life back. I wanted to keep fulfilling the destiny that was set for me to the best of my ability, and refused to let anything take that away from me. But yet, I couldn't live that life anymore.
I think my least favorite part about this place is the restraint. It's not inhumane- but it's just enough to piss me off. Just enough condescending comments, just enough patronizing. I never liked restraint to begin with, but now I just feel insulted. To tell you the truth, I can't exactly take this too personally- I mean, I shouldn't. They're just doing their job. Maybe my ego is getting the better of me, but I still feel like I could've done it just fine by myself- surely if I was left to my own devices, something would go wrong. I mean, that's how it kept going until I was admitted. A lot happened between the moment I realized I had something wrong with me, and the moment I was admitted. A lot of the same rinse-repeat cycle, but a lot of reflection. Turns out a lot of the trauma I experienced was messing with my perception and memory in general.
I miss my friends a lot. Visiting hours are usually between 7pm and 9pm, and that's hardly enough for me. I feel so insulted by my circumstances; just completely outraged. They come in and have to see me like this; I'm too sick to go back out with them. This wasn't the life I was leading just a few months ago. I was a warrior, a hero, a demigod- no, I still am. This is a...mere moment in time. They all look happy to see me when they arrive, but there's a look of pity and sadness in their eyes. Or maybe it's sympathy, I don't know. Ikki's the only one who doesn't have that look in his eyes. But he was always hard to read. I find that a little comforting, now. On bad days, I can't have visitors- I'm just sedated and kept in my room. Those instances are always so dreamlike. Sickeningly so. But I never want to see her.
I had one of the worst episodes a week ago, when I had finished another session of self-reflection. Jabu had stopped by- we'd gotten onto better terms since the beginning of this all (bonded, even)- and we talked the whole time. I could see him having a smoke outside the window of the waiting room, and it took all the willpower I had to stop myself from just running out there to meet him. He handled himself well when he talked to the receptionist and the other doctors, but I could read him well. He looked pissed. Once we went back to my room, I swear I'd never seen him with this expression before. He looked repulsed. It turned out he'd been doing his own self-reflection too. This was then that he opened up more than I ever expected him to.
"The Sanctuary's gonna want me dead if they ever find out about what I'm tellin' you," he began, the smell of smoke still on his breath. "So don't say a fuckin' word, when you get outta here. I'm trustin' you, Seiya. Please." I simply nodded, leaning back a little on the small armchair, sipping cold, stale water out of a styrofoam cup.
"You know she never apologized, right?" he continued, leg propped up on his knee. "I mean, 'bout everything. I know what she was tryna do for you and shit, but...look, what I'm sayin' is, I tried to open up to her."
"Saori?" I could only assume that's who he was talking about. I always found it funny how Jabu expected you to know exactly what he was talking about, no matter how vague he was being.
"No, the goddamn tooth fairy," he mumbled, glancing at me. "Look...I was seein' a psych for a few months, while you was in here. I figured I probably needed help for myself, because I wasn't feeling much better either. Anyway...the guy says I have borderline personality disorder- which blows- but he's told me to stop talkin' to Saori unless I absolutely have to. Just, flat out avoid her if I can. He says it's making me worse, and that she was takin' advantage of me."
I never really wanted to step into their affairs. I always thought the dynamics between them were a complete mess- and yet, there was a part of me that never really acknowledged just what she was doing to him. Maybe because I hadn't learned to care about him until recently. But what he was saying resonated with me- to be frank, I never liked either of them as kids, and I only really learned to respect Saori after I found out she was Athena. After that, then...I feel as though my sense of morality started to blur. While she was helping me and the other guys out with saint affairs, Jabu was keeping to himself and his friends all the time- but he always seemed to gravitate towards Saori, looking for validation of some kind- of any kind. I still didn't like him at this point- he was a nuisance to me. I'd almost scoff when I'd see him frantically trying to keep Saori's attention, only for her to either dismiss him, or sweep him off to perform some menial tasks.
Rather, I was excusing her. How could I possibly see anything from Jabu's perspective, of all people? My perspective on it all seemed to go from thinking of him as a dog of a human, constantly at the feet of a spoiled brat- to a hopeless excuse for a human, demanding attention from the goddess. I sank into my chair a little, watching the dim light shivering and reflecting off the water in my cup. Amusingly, at least, he had the same disorder that I'd been diagnosed with- among a few others. Now that we had some sort of trust between us, I came to indeed see things from his perspective- we had too much in common now. The fact that she kept treating him this way even into my spiral into lunacy made me look down, eyes pried open. I thought a little more.
I thought about the hate I felt in my heart in the very beginning. I thought about how the memory of losing my sister made my entire body tense and quake. I thought about how I demanded to see her. I thought about when Saori told me that she'd help me find my sister so long as I entered that tournament. I thought about the trust I built in her. I thought about the fact I never saw my sister until by sheer coincidence, moments before when I'd supposedly die. I thought about the Corona saints cracking my skull open as she looked on, Abel by her side. I kept quiet. I let Jabu continue.
"So I ain't gonna. I'm tired of feeling like less than shit just because I can't ween attention outta someone who probably treats their dog better. I mean...look, I feel like a shithead for the fact that I didn't figure this out for like...forever, but...I'm tryna make a change in my life. You get me, right?"
"Yeah...I do...that's the best you can do, I guess." I smiled somewhat. "I didn't think you'd be able to do that, at first. I was a little afraid of it, honestly. It takes a lot to break those kinds of attachments. You're a lot stronger than I thought you were."
He smirked at me. "Well, your boy's gettin' his shit together. I mean, I don't wanna be another disappointment in your life- 'cause, you're...my friend, yeah?"
"Hey, someone's gotta be," I smirked back, mouth hidden behind my cup. "I'm proud of you. You're not a disappointment- and you don't have to impress me, either. You're not a disappointment one way or another." He looked down, bashful.
We kept talking for a while- about whatever. About life experiences, general feelings on peoples' behavior, and even some snarking towards the medical system. But my thoughts still seemed fixed on that one subject. I felt comforted in his presence, but I still felt sick. A familiar sickness, but I couldn't quite pinpoint where I'd felt that sickness before.
"I'm not feeling too good." I said quietly after a brief pause in our conversation, glancing up at the digital clock fixed on the wall. 8:45pm. The fact that he had to leave soon was making me feel worse. I'd gotten oddly attached to him since he'd started visiting me here. I never really expected him to be so compassionate. I was always happy to see my friends when they came around, but him...something felt special about how we'd gone from hating each other to bonding over the things that ailed us. He was...sweet, in a weird way. My chest fluttered...
"Somethin' I said?" he quipped, hands behind his head as he reclined lazily, before I blinked, returning my attention to reality. I smiled awkwardly, hands up.
"N-No, I just...maybe I'm just tired, I dunno. They're gonna make me go to bed in about an hour, so I guess..."
"Hey hey, don't sweat it. I was happy to see you today, man- you're looking better." he smiled, standing up and cracking his shoulders. "I'll see if I can stop 'round tomorrow if I can, yeah?"
"That'd be great!" I chimed, smiling. "I mean- yeah...that'd be cool. Gets lonely sometimes," I shrugged, trying to sound casual.
He grinned, flicking his fringe out of his eyes. "Heh...'s exactly why I come here, I don't want you to be lonely, tough guy," he prodded my forehead playfully, as I swatted his hand away in response. My chest fluttered again. "Catch you later, man! Hope your night's okay."
"Yeah...you too, see ya."
I struggled to eat that night, as much as the nurses insisted I finished my bland plate of steamed vegetables and unseasoned chicken. My stomach seemed to have tied itself into an anxious little knot, and refused to loosen even for such a painstakingly prepared dinner. I curled up in my blankets, trying to press my head as deep into the pillow as possible. I still kept thinking about it. She really did pay no mind to how much she exploited Jabu. Or me.
Me? I tensed as I felt that familiar sickness again- and then it came surging in like an electric rod.
Some few moments ago, days, months, however long- I leapt swiftly along rocky cliffs lit only by the moon; cliffs that swept down into a deep, shadowy chasm. I remember the wind sweeping up black feathers into the breeze, the cries of crows echoing off the stone slopes. Her dress seemed to glow- iridescent white with the moon. Thoughts and sensations conjured themselves into a fall- cold air rushing against my skin as I fell into the chasm. After this, darkness. Black, bleak, ringing, throbbing. I couldn't move at this point- my limbs had gone numb, my head was searing and pulsing with pain that made itself visible in flashes of tensed color behind my eyes, and my hearing had dropped into deafness, only broken by a continuous ringing. I broke both an arm and a leg, and possibly my skull, yet again.
Athena's cosmos lay around me like a cloud, but something about it was suffocating. I wanted to pull myself up to register my surroundings- and the more I focused on how unresponsive my body was, the more I wanted to scream. Trust. She'd do something. And indeed she did. I remember feeling the light weight of fabric dropping on my torso, followed by a hand- and another on my face. Hair crept on my cheeks. Breath on my face. Her.
I screamed.
The nurses sedated me relatively quickly. I sat upright in my bed. The nurse kept her eyes fixed on me, trying to make sure I wouldn't start thrashing and shouting again, lest I hurt myself or break something. My vision had slipped into a hypnotic blur of color and light, my nerves tingled, my lungs ached. I came back to earth within 30 minutes or so. I insisted I didn't want to talk, that I'd rather talk in the morning, that I needed some rest. They trusted me enough with that. Sleeping while sedated wasn't usually too much of a difficult task.
And at that point, Jabu not being here suddenly felt like a missing part of me. A hole, through which wind crept through. I couldn't tell anyone else this. They wouldn't believe me. Would they? I didn't know. But Jabu would believe me. He'd hold my arm, sigh, and tell me he was sorry. He'd have an effervescent spark of outrage in his eyes, but he'd hold me. And I'd feel some sense of safety in this hurricane that took my mind by surprise.
Needless to say, I owe a lot to Shaina now. Despite all that happened, nevermind it all now- unknowingly, she stopped something that could've mutated into something that would've left me in a far worse, perhaps catatonic state now. Or maybe she did know. Maybe that's why she stepped in at just the right moment.
It's difficult to open up about sexual abuse, especially when you're a man- and a man like me, at that. I'd always felt something was wrong, and I found it a little unbelievable that this hadn't quite registered until then. Excuse after excuse. And now I was here, to be monitored and sedated night after night, unable to reconnect correctly with those closest to me. Kept away from...him.
Too much had been taken from me. By one person.
One night left.
Except now I didn't know what I'd do once they let me go.