Disclaimer: I own nothing, no characters or Twilight. Just the idea.
Fitzcarraldo: n. an image that somehow becomes lodged deep in your brain—maybe washed there by a dream, or smuggled inside a book, or planted during a casual conversation—which then grows into a wild and impractical vision that keeps scrambling back and forth in your head like a dog stuck in a car that's about to arrive home, just itching for a chance to leap headlong into reality.
November 16th, 2012
11:50pm.
10 minutes until the anniversary of the accident.
This cold November night was so similar to last year. Deadly quiet, the faint noise of sirens blaring in the distance. Warm blood on my hands, cold sweat on my neck and forehead. A chilling November night. I ran.
11:52pm.
I blew smoke out of my mouth, before placing the cigarette back between my chapped lips. I hated smoking. I wanted to quit. But the numbness it brought me, was like being addicted to cocaine. I craved the numb rush it brought. I desired anything that would temporarily eradicate the pain. The pain. The pain was so evident in her moans—his cries for help. The broken glass. My blurred vision. The overwhelming pounding in my brain that kept me from helping. The fear of being reprimanded for an accident I never wanted to happen. I ran.
11:55pm.
I threw down another shot of Jack Daniels, anticipating the burn as it rushed down my throat. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, wishing I could end the rubatosis. The sound was devastating, I wanted to rip my heart out and watch it bleed, like I watched their bodies—watched the life fade from their eyes. I ran.
11:58pm.
But I know why I'm still alive right now. Because I deserved to live like this. I deserved to live with this pain, and this guilt. God laughs down at me, knowing that his punishment is a lot worse than death. Because with death you can escape this pain. I ran.
12:00pm.
Welcome to hell, motherfucker.
A/N: Each chapter will use a deep and meaningful word for the title (which will be posted at the beginning of each), and that definition will be the theme of the chapter. All words/definitions come from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. It's amazing, seriously, google it if you like relatable words. This story is very different from "Maintaining" which I am still continuing. I'm a little more excited about this one so this may be update this more. I'm not sure. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. This chapter is short I know, but I'm just introducing a little about the story. To test the waters so to speak.
-Natalie