A/N: HELLO! Last night this idea sort of popped into my head and I, for some reason, immediately thought of Niff, sooo…
Just as a sort of background info or something: for this fic, Niff have been together since Dalton, and are now in the same university, but instead of staying in campus, rooming together, they decided to get their own place.
WARNINGS: Mention of self-harm and depression
"It's your messed up family tree":
The words are out of his mouth before he has the chance to stop himself from saying them.
They had been fighting – at this point Nick doesn't quite remember well about what, exactly – and Nick hears his own words come out of his mouth without thinking, and it feels as if someone else had spoken them, and not him.
"You're acting just like your father, Jeff!" Nick had screamed angrily at his boyfriend.
Jeff opens his mouth to shoot back an equally angered reply to Nick, but as what he has been told settles in, it soon closes and his face falls completely.
When Nick comes to his senses and finally mulls over what he just told – screamed– at Jeff, all the anger leaves his face and an immense feeling of guilt settles over him. "Jeff, I'm so sorry I- I didn't- You know I didn't mean to-" he stammers his apology, tripping over his own words as they are not enough to express how sorry he feels right now.
Jeff's brows are crumpled with sadness and the sting in his eyes threatens the tears to start falling, but Jeff would not let them. He takes a step back from Nick, he doesn't know quite why. Maybe he needs space as he suddenly finds it very hard to breathe properly, or maybe he just needs to be away from Nick right now.
As his boyfriend moves away from him, Nick is quick to take a step forwards, not willing to let Jeff get away from him. Nick starts moving towards the other boy, but stops when Jeff puts his hands up in order for him to stay where he is. He doesn't want to let Jeff be far from him, but he knows he cannot force him to be with him right now either. From the distance, he tries to talk to him. "Jeff-"
The taller boy interrupts him, lowering his hands, and pointing a finger at Nick before choking out a, "you promised", and turning around and running away from their living room.
As soon as the boy turns and goes, Nick is behind him, but he stops the moment a door is slammed closed. He doesn't know what room Jeff went into, but is obvious whichever he is in, he doesn't want neither to talk nor see Nick right now.
Nick sighs. He knows he screwed up. Big time. The brunet starts walking back, when a thought crosses his mind, and shock sets inside him. He runs looking for Jeff. The study door is wide open, but both the bathroom and their room doors are closed. Jeff could be on either one of them. Nick stands outside the bathroom, deciding to check that room first. He doesn't bother knocking and opens the door. He doesn't care if Jeff is there or not. He doesn't care if Jeff is furious with him and doesn't want anything to do with him right now. He only cares that the boy doesn't harm himself.
It turns out Jeff is not in the bathroom, and Nick sighs in relief. He must be in their room, then. There, they don't have anything that can cause any sort of physical injury. At least Nick thinks so as he does a mental check of every item he can possibly remember in their room. The shorter boy looks around their bathroom. Nothing there either except for both their razors. He grabs them and goes back to the kitchen, setting them on the counter. Then, he takes the kettle and sets the water to boil, leaning his back on the counter, supporting himself on his hands.
Nick knows very well he screwed up. He knew how hard Jeff had tried all his life not to be like his father. The scars on his arms were proof enough of it. Jeff had never wanted to become what his father was, yet Nick called him exactly that. Nick had promised his boyfriend to never hurt him – he had been hurt enough already as it was – and despite that, here they were.
The brunet wanted nothing more than to walk into his room and apologize to the blond. He wanted nothing more than to be there for him and hug him and tell him everything would be alright. But he knew Jeff needed time on his own right now. He always did when he was upset. Back in Dalton he would always get really quiet and not talk to anyone more than the necessary, and he would spend a lot of time in bed as well. Only after a few days was it that he opened up and let Nick – nobody else - know what was wrong. Nick was sure he never quite wanted to really say everything to Nick, but Jeff did it only because Nick asked. And Nick learned to ask only when he found out about Jeff's past.
The ringing from the kettle made him jump a little as he was startled and brought back to the present from his thoughts. He turned off the stove and took from a cabinet a cup and from another a tea bag and the sugar. He took his time preparing the cup of Jeff's favorite tea, with three spoons of sugar, just how Jeff liked it. When finishing, he added a few drops of lemon. Nick knew that tea always calmed Jeff down when he was sad.
Talking a deep breath, he approached their room, stopping at the closed door. He heard the small sobs from the inside. His heart dropped to his stomach and an impossible tight not formed in his throat at the noise. He had tried so hard to protect Jeff from other people like his father that he never assumed he would be the one who would hurt him – probably the most, even.
Nick knocked on the door three times very lightly and pushed it open. The light wasn't on, but the room was lit gently by the moon rays that entered through the window. When he entered the room, Nick heard a few sniffs as Jeff tried to hide his crying from his boyfriend. Nick approached their bed. Jeff was lying on his side, back to Nick, in a small ball, knees brought up and hugged close to his chest. The position made him incredibly more vulnerable, which only made Nick feel worse.
The brunet left the cup of tea on his bedside table and kneeled on his side of the bed. Jeff let go of his knees, stretching his legs slightly, and hiding his face on his arm, his right hand grasping the sheets underneath him forcefully.
"Jeff?" Nick asked. It wasn't to see if the other boy was asleep; he knew from the ragged breathing – and his change in position - that he wasn't. He was asking for permission, to see if Jeff was willing to talk to him or not.
Nick lay down on his left side, behind Jeff, supporting himself on his left elbow as he spoke again. "Jeff…" This time it wasn't a question, and it was said delicately. He slid his right arm around Jeff's waist. "Baby…" another soft murmur. Nick pressed a faint kiss to the nape of Jeff's neck, but Jeff didn't react, other than stirring, no longer hiding his face in his arm, and moving his right hand to replace the action instead, index finger and thumb on his closed eyes, trying to shield the view from his boyfriend. Nick and Jeff had truly been through everything together, yet still, the boy felt he couldn't let him see him cry.
A painful sigh left the mouth of the blond, still having trouble breathing well. Nick's heart clenched again.
Nick pressed a little with his hand sprawled on Jeff's chest, to have him closer to him as he laid back completely, pulling the other boy as well.
Jeff felt too weak to protest against the movement – and he was not sure if we even wanted to deny the action - and he let Nick lay him down almost on top of him. Jeff rested his head on Nick's upper arm, but his right hand remained on his face, still hiding his tears, though his sniffs gave away the fact he was still crying.
Jeff felt incredibly weak. All his life he had tried to be practically the opposite of what his father was. He couldn't bear the idea of one day becoming like him. It was enough for Jeff to have his same blond hair – unlike his mother's: long, curly, beautiful brown – and his same eyes – again, unlike his mother's: stunning combination of gray and blue. Since his early 14s, Jeff had decided that his similarities to his father, physically, were more than enough resemblance between the both of them. Jeff had struggled with the thought of growing up to be somewhat like his father in any way all his life. The idea itself had been the main reason for his depression and self-harming to start in the first place.
Jeff hated above anything that he never stood up against the man until it was too late. Jeff never did anything about him or his personality; never felt brave enough to speak what went through his mind whenever the man took advantage of his power.
Whenever his father insulted him, calling him "worthless little shit" – within other horrible things – Jeff could never help but think back, "It's probably genetic after all".
Jeff would never admit it out loud, and he knew that perhaps he shouldn't feel that way, but he truly did hate the man and the way he treated him and, most specially, the way he treated his mother and sister.
Jeff had been too weak to speak up, and keeping it all inside destroyed him, if little by little. Not having someone he could turn to killed him. And for a time, he really hoped it would…
But that was until he met Nick. Even before being boyfriends, since becoming best friend, Nick had always been there for Jeff; from the beginning. As long as it took for both of them to accept and admit their feelings for one another – to each other and themselves – Nick had always been there next to Jeff, helping him through everything. Jeff had opened up to Nick in a way he had never done with another person, ever. Since the day they first met at Dalton, when they found out they would be roommates for their first year, Nick and Jeff had been inseparable from each other.
Just as Jeff's father was the main reason for his depression, Nick was his main reasons for recovery. If it weren't for Nick, Jeff would most likely not be here at this moment.
That is why it hurt so much more. Nick, who had always been there for him, assuring Jeff that he would never commit the same mistakes as his father had, that he will never become the man his father was; the same Nick who had promised to never compare Jeff to the man, had no more than ten minutes ago done the complete opposite.
Jeff was unable to indicate which hurt the most at the moment: the fact that Nick had compared him to his father, or the mere fact that it had been Nick the one who did it.
The tall boy had nearly forgotten of the body pressed against him as his thoughts drifted away, and all the memories washed over him. He didn't know how much time had passed with neither of them speaking, but Nick's voice brought him back to reality as he begun softly, "Baby… I'm so-"
"He left." Jeff commented feebly, interrupting him suddenly. His voice was already hoarse from crying and a little muffled as his mouth was mostly pressed against Nick's arm. "He left us, Nicky". The tears he had so hard tried to contain started flowing again.
Nick's heart shattered at the words, especially at the mention of his nickname. Jeff had been the only one who called him that, and it would bring a smile to his face most times. But now, when his voice was just so frail and broken, it devastated Nick to hear it.
"He left us…" Jeff repeated.
"I know baby, I know" Nick soothed him, slowly running his thumb across Jeff's chest, trying to calm the boy down.
"He left…" Jeff stated again, not being able to make the horrid memories leave his mind.
Nick's eyes were tearing up at the tone of his boyfriend's voice, and he felt useless replying once more, "I know baby". This was his entire fault. If only he would have kept his mouth shut. "I'm so sor-" he tried to start over.
"He left us, Nicky" Jeff weakly interjected. The sobs were starting again, and his body shook completely, so Nick tightened his hold of him, attempting to comfort him.
"Jeff." Nick remarked sternly.
"He left my mom, my sister and I alone without even saying goodbye" Jeff stated miserably.
"I know Jeff, I didn't mean what I said" Nick tried.
"He left us and it's all my fault." The blond insisted.
"No it's not, honey… don't ever say that"
But Jeff was having none of it, and he kept on crying. "It is my fault, Nicky. If it weren't for me, he would still be here, my mom would be so much happier right now… if it weren't for me…" he left the phrase hanging, and he unconsciously rubbed the scars on his forearm.
The confession slapped Nick on the face. Even after all this time, where Nick believed Jeff had gotten over any sort of thought similar to that, Jeff still thought people would be "better off without him". The tears started falling out of Nick's eyes and he squeezed the other boy more in order to transmit his message due to his lack of words: He was there; he was still there for him, just as he had always been. Gathering all his strengths, Nick took a deep breath and forced himself into talking; knowing Jeff needed to hear this. "No she wouldn't, Jeff. She wouldn't be happier with him… and she would most definitely not be happier without you".
A somewhat comfortable, yet slightly awkward silence follows as they lay that way. Jeff hand had long since left his face and had now moved from touching his scars to hold Nick's across his own front, clutching to it strongly.
An unexpected sob broke the silence. Jeff tried to calm himself, but he was unable to do so. Not resisting any longer, the boy gave in and turned around, hiding his face on Nick's neck and grabbing onto his shirt as if his life depended on it, hugging him as close as he humanly can, intertwining their legs a little.
The action surprised Nick only slightly, but he is quickly to react and close both arms around Jeff, one hand resting on his lower back, and the other on his head. He gently moves his fingers through Jeff's hair in a relaxing way.
Jeff breathes out as he feels himself calming down, if only slightly, at the kindness of his boyfriend. He's still here. He thinks to himself. Almost involuntarily he exhales another "he left us".
"I know Jeff, and I am so sorry for what I-" Nick tries in another failed attempt.
"What if I am like him, though?" Jeff questioned sorrowfully, dreading the idea.
"You are not like-"
"What if I am?" Jeff asked, lifting himself to look at Nick directly. He had stopped crying so hard, but occasionally a tear slipped down his cheek again. "What if you were right and I am becoming more like him? What if I leave you too at the end of the day? What if I don't leave you, and that only makes you more unhappy with me around and-" the taller boy manages to rush out before another series of uncontrollable sobs takes over him and he hides his face again on Nick's neck, his body shaking all over again.
"Jeff…" The hold on Jeff tightens incredibly so, but Nick lets go when the boy doesn't look at him. "Look at me, Jeff." He says firmly yet kindly, putting both hands on either side of Jeff's face and lifting it, forcing the blond to look at him. Jeff starts taking deep breaths, willing himself to stop crying. With determination clear on his tone, Nick continues: "You are not like him. You never were. And you will never be. And I am so sorry I said that to you… I have no idea what came over me but, trust me, I did not mean it."
They stare at each other for a few moments before Nick leans closer and kisses his boyfriend lightly on the lips. When they move apart, Jeff leans his forehead against Nick's and they stay like that. Nick adds: "And there is no way you could ever make me unhappy, Jeff. It's you… and I'm me… We're meant for each other, we're… we're us". Nick gives him another quick kiss and Jeff resumes his position, leaning his head on Nick's chest, an arm across his torso, and Nick's arms again surrounding him in an embrace.
"I can't be like him, Nicky… I just can't" the boy confesses. He is not crying anymore, but that doesn't make it any less painful for Nick to hear it.
"You're not, Jeff… I'm so sorry I ever said that, I really didn't mean it… please forgive me" He insists.
Jeff doesn't reply. But the tightening of his grip on Nick, bringing them even closer together, is response enough for the two of them.
A quite long moment of silence – neither knows exactly how long – passes, and Jeff's breathing has evened out. For a moment Nick thinks that maybe the boy fell asleep, though he doesn't care if he has. But his assumptions are proven wrong when Jeff breaks the silence again, "You'd tell me right?" He asks. After a few seconds, he clarifies, "If I start becoming like him?" And he bites his lower lip waiting for a response.
"You're not going to…" Nick immediately replies.
Jeff stops biting his lip to say, "But if… you will, right?" lifting himself up again to look at Nick properly. As soon as the question leaves his mouth, he resumes to biting nervously his lip.
Nick knows Jeff would never become the man his father was. He knows because he won't let it happen; because he will always be there for Jeff, no matter what, just like he had been there this far. Mainly Nick knows because he believes in and knows Jeff, and Nick can tell he would never make the same mistakes. But right now, what Jeff needs is reassurance of what he wants – or, better said, doesn't want. "Of course" He answers, then, and continues with purpose, "And we'll talk about it… And we will work it out… And we are going to stay together, because nothing can break us apart, Jeff".
Jeff is still looking down at him and he gives him a little smile, which Nick returns. Jeff's smile falls when he whispers, "I'm sorry". When Nick's smile falls too, and he frowns at him in confusion, Jeff adds feeling piteous, "for… crying".
"You have absolutely nothing to be apologizing for, Jeff… I'm the one who's sorry, okay?" Nick leans forward and plants a kiss on the top of the boy's head. "I'm so, so sorry" He whispers.
Jeff leans in this time and places a sweet kiss on Nick's lips, and for yet another time, he puts his head on Nick's chest again and repeats very softly, barely audible, "I can't be like him…" It's more like a reminder to himself, rather than a comment to Nick, though.
"You won't" the brunet promises. When a moment of quiet passes, he reminds him, "I don't ever want you to think this is your fault again, okay?" Jeff doesn't speak up, but he nods against his body, so Nick continues, "You know I'm here to talk to if you need to, right?" Another nod gives Nick relief and he lets out a breath.
Nick moves his hand from Jeff's back and grabbed Jeff's lying on his chest to bring it up to his lips. He pressed a gentle kiss on his knuckles, and then moves downwards, placing one on Jeff's wrist. "I love you" He murmured against it, before leaving the hand gently where it was and putting his own back at Jeff's lower back, thumb rubbing softly at the area.
Tears were forming again on Jeff's eyes at Nick's action. But this time they were tears of happiness and relief; tears for knowing that he had someone. "I love you too, Nicky" He murmured against the other boy's neck. He had someone. He had Nick.
Nick begun to hum silently the melody to the start of a song, and then started singing softly:
You didn't ask for this, nobody ever would.
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction.
It's your sad reality, it's your messed up family tree.
And all you're left with all these questions.
Nick had begun softly, but as the song progressed, his sang louder and louder, but never losing the compassion in his words.
Are you gonna be like your father was, and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?
Jeff, not quite aware of it, shook his head no at the subjacent question in the song. His eyes begin to well up with tears once again. No matter how much he already cried, he cannot seem to stop now. Jeff sniffled in attempt of keeping his tears from flowing.
This tightened Nick's heart and before beginning to sing again, he pressed a kiss to the top of Jeff's head.
No, this is not your legacy; this is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you.
No, this is not your legacy; this is not your meant to be,
I can break the chains that bind you.
As the song becomes only too much for Jeff to handle, he lets the tears fall, and both boys tighten their grip on each other.
As Nick keeps quiet for the intermission of the song, Jeff looks up at Nick, eyes glistering, and smiles up at him the whole way through the next verse.
I have a dream for you, it's better than where you've been.
It's bigger than your imagination.
You're gonna find real love, and you're gonna hold your kids.
You'll change the course of generation.
Jeff places his head on Nick's chest again as he continues to listen to the song. But that last verse set him thinking on his future with Nick. Despite daydreaming vaguely of their possible kids, Jeff doesn't stop hearing and listening to Nick's words.
Oh, this I not your legacy; this is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you.
No, this is not your legacy; this is not your meant to be,
I can break the chains that bind you.
'Cause you're my child, you're my chosen.
You are loved, you are loved.
And I will restore all that was broken.
You are loved, you are loved.
Those three last words are whispered in Jeff's ear instead of sung, before Nick presses yet another kiss to his temple, and continues singing.
And just like the seasons change, winter into spring,
You're bringing new life to your family tree, now.
Yes, you are, you are.
Oh, this will be your legacy; this will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you.
Oh, this will be your legacy; this will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you.
And just like the seasons change, winter into spring,
You're bringing new life to your family tree now.
Jeff continues to silently cry over the emotion that overwhelms him. He never thinks he had loved Nick more. But, then again, every time he thinks that, the other boy always seems to prove him wrong somehow.
"I love you, Nicky" the boy mutters, sniffling as the tears finally begin to come to a stop.
"I love you, too Jeffy" the brunet whispers.
As Nick's hands continue to soothingly stroke Jeff's hair and back, and Jeff's thumb unconsciously caresses Nick's torso, both boys start falling asleep.
The cup of tea lies forgotten on the bedside table, its contents already cold. Neither boy gives much care to notice this, though. After all, a cup of tea is not all that could calm Jeff when he was feeling down.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading this! I think I might be in love with the idea of my own fic right now, no kidding! (I am allowed to do that right? Yes ok gr9)
Asdfghjkl I just can't stop thinking about it, even though it's finished!
Anyway, let me know what you thought about it! Reviews are always welcome!
The song is Family Tree, by Matthew West, and it wasn't actually going to be here but when I finished the fic it literally popped in my mind and I thought it fit perfectly with it!
Again, thank you so much for reading this! 3
And special thanks to Barbie (no not the doll) and Alex for reading this first and making sure it didn't suck. {so if it does blame it on them not me}… also thanks to them and Ami for helping me pick a title for this :)
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