Head pounding from the constant war waging within, the sith halted at the rail where the massive drop lay before him. A squadron of Storm troopers fanned out behind him searching for the intruders. One of them being Han Solo….His father.
The closer he was to the man and his presence the more painful that inner war became, splitting his head and tearing at his already wounded soul.
He wanted to prove himself. Desperate to step into his grandfather's mantel and achieve the greatness that the once powerful sith had possessed. That was what Snoke had promised him when he had been young and stupid. Power...Greatness...and the ability to save the entire universe from themselves.
What a farce. Perhaps the sith master have given him power. But at a great cost; Pain...anguish...loss...death. He remembered the way his uncle had looked up at him, kneeling and mourning the loss of his students. He remembered the anguish and disappointment in his eyes. He remembered shutting out his own mother, locking himself within the dark to avoid her reaching emotions. At the time he had had little regret. He had been so stupid, naive to the pain and horror of the dark side.
Back then he had been entirely Kylo Ren. So sure of his actions and excited about what the future would hold. Now? He wasn't sure he could be that man. He was so tired. Weary and worn and so unsure; more Ben Solo now then he had been in years. Unfortunately he was somewhere where being that person was impossible. It was why he continued donning the mask. To hide the raging emotions that passed across his face; the grimaces of pain when the light side spiked through him and the utter uncertainty that came with it.
He could fool the majority of the first order by hiding behind the mask and his outbursts of anger. But Hux was catching on despite it all.
Even worse was that Snoke knew. His master could sense the light in him. It was why he gave him that ultimatum. Kill Han Solo.
Could he really do that when all he wanted was to go home? He wanted so desperately to go back to those days. To embrace his mother and tell her he loved her. To turn back time and erase the years of pain and misery. But it was too late. The light side was too late. After everything Kylo Ren had done...there was no more being Ben Solo.
Teeth grit and body tense, the young man stepped onto the bridge. He had only gotten about half way across when the voice called out to him, echoing through the large room. "BEN!"
Stopping, the force user shut his eyes. Was this really happening? "Han Solo. I knew you would come." Finally he turned to face his father. The smuggler looked so much older than the last time he'd seen him. The lines of time and weariness were etched onto his face, plain as day; as they were etched onto his own soul.
"Take off the mask. You don't need it." Han stepped onto the bridge, eyeing the other.
No...He was wrong. He needed it desperately, especially now with the light side screaming at him and causing him to grimace. "What do you think you'll see if I do?" He managed to keep his voice calm.
Overhead, a set of blaster doors opened to shine a spot light on the two on the bridge. The force user didn't need to look up to know who had stepped up to the rail to watch the scene below.
"The face of my son." Han answered, stepping even closer.
Swallowing, the young man kept his hands at his sides for a moment as he forced his expression calm. He then proceeded to remove the helmet, dropping it with a heavy thunk of finality on the steel walkway. "Your son is dead." This time, he couldn't keep the slight waver out of his voice.
"No…" Han's voice softened. "No, I don't believe that. Snoke made you believe that. He's using you for your power, Ben, I know you know that."
Yes. He knew that. More than Han could ever understand, he knew that. He hated the Sith master more than anyone. That was what made this so hard. Haunted dark eyes meeting his fathers, Ben couldn't bring himself to speak.
"Please," Han tried again after the moment of silence. "Please just come home. We miss you."
Trying to remain stoic but failing, the force user's vision blurred with unshed tears. Shaking his head slightly, he averted his gaze. "It's too late. I can't." His voice wavered, threatening to deteriorate all together.
"No," Han said firmly, moving forward again until he was finally within arm's reach. "It's never too late."
Shaking his head again and causing his dark hair to fall over his face, the young man still wouldn't allow the tears to spill over. Han's light was like a warm embrace, enveloping him and causing the darkness within him to fight back with even more ferocity. "I'm being torn apart." He finally sputtered, shutting his eyes against the splitting headache that was growing worse. "I know what I have to do. But I don't have the strength. Will you help me? Please?" His pleading voice was full of pain.
"Anything." His father, full of worry, was so eager to help…..if only he knew.
Shuddering a breath, the young man pulled his light sabre free of his belt, holding it before him like some offering. Confusion passing across his face, Han reached forward to take the weapon. Not letting go even as Han tried to take the sabre, the force user swallowed as he solidified his choice in his mind. He couldn't go back.
For a minute the two men gripped the weapon, Han trying his best to pull it from his son's hands and the young man fighting to angle it in the direction he needed it to be in. Despite Han's best efforts, Ben was much stronger.
Suddenly the immediate area was set aglow as the sabre activated, hissing into existence as the force user pressed the button. Gasping, Han's mouth fell open, eyes wide as the laser sizzled against flesh and blood.
Gasping a pained breath of his own, the young man finally allowed his father to pull the weapon from his weakening hands. Quickly the elder deactivated the blade, watching in horror as it slid back into its hilt from where it had pierced his son's chest.
Knee's weakening, Ben slumped forward onto Han who caught him with horror plaguing his expression. "Ben…Ben…No.."
"I can't go back to Snoke…or back home…" The force user rested his head on his father's shoulder, peace settling down on him as Han's light combined with his own chased off the lingering dark. It was better this way. No longer would he kill for Snoke, a slave to the dark side and the death it brought. This was his penance, the only right decision he'd made in years.
The sound of blaster shots behind them as Chewie took out one storm trooper after another barely even registered to the two now kneeling on the bridge.
"Ben, stay with me...Come on…" Han, still gripping the light sabre tightly, whispered desperately as he cradled the taller man against him. "CHEWIE GET DOWN HERE." Han's raised voice cracked with panic as he stroked the soft black hair. He wasn't strong enough to carry the young man off the bridge. Not without risking both of them tipping off the side into what seemed like an endless drop.
"…th-ank…you…" Ben whispered, shutting his eyes. "…I'm sorry…for disa-..ppointing you…one last…t-..ime…" His voice trailed off as his consciousness faded, leaving Han Solo holding his limp form.
Authors note:
For the love of god, someone stop me before this continues. The last time I wrote a fanfiction I was in fandom hell for like 7 months omg
I may or may not continue this. Tbh I have very limited motivation to write at all now a days. But I had this in my head for a while so I thought I'd word vomit it out. I didn't really even edit it?
I just have so many feels ... I wanted desperately to like Kylo Ren and then he went and did...that. There will be no cannon redemption for him in my mind.