This has in no way the ability to represent, quantify, or otherwise be connected to the actual people or organizations that own the respective animes involved. This is a crackfic, drugged and simple. Please enjoy and prepare to recover your breath sometime later.
Sachiel, the third angel, was honestly not expecting the sight he saw when he arrived in Tokyo-3. He was supposed to be facing an Evangelion, a monstrosity of human knowledge and power, something equal to his undaunted might! He had not just carved through most of the silly human military just to be let down by a total lack of a fight. To be fair, he had already endured quite enough today, and really wanted to be over and done with all of this. The pesky humans had really been a thorn in his side, more literally than figuratively. They had seared his eyes out and boiled his skin with one of their small weapons, something he found disconcerting. Most other beings would probably feel the same way given the circumstances.
So he was not expecting the last line of defense to be non-existent. The only thing left in his way was one stupid human building, and there was someone on top of it. Still having trouble seeing from earlier, it had to come right up in front of the building to see just what this human was doing. The sight just confused it more. A single humanoid stood on the roof, in some sort of garish combination of colorful clothing. It might have just been the blue hair and red eyes, but the weird sailor outfit didn't help things.
Far down below ground, in the caverns of NERV, it was a whole different story. The angel had arrived, and it meant business.
"We must deploy the Evangelion! There is no other course of action now!" One very old man said to a middle aged man who liked to think he was intimidating with those glasses of his.
The man with glasses simply glanced at his older friend. "No. We must solve this another way."
"Why not, Gendo? We just spend the last fifteen years building them, and now you won't use them?" Oh, right, his name was Gendo.
"NERV would be the laughingstock of the world if we deployed the Evangelion as it is now. I do not see it as an option."
"Then what is going to stop it? Do you honestly think anything is going to be able to stop it? And what is that rose for?"
"I know that something will. Also, the rose is part of our inconceivable combat strategy. Ask nothing more about it." Gendo stood up and walked towards a lift.
Back on the surface, the girl and the giant angel had engaged in the first phase of their epic battle. The staredown. Unfortunately, the angel did not realize it was going up against the world champion of the Olympic staring competition (unofficially, of course) when this started. Twenty minutes later the angel cried tears as it no longer could stand up to the powerful stare of the human warrior. That must be what the girl must have been. Of course, this line of thought was completely derailed when a small thorned plant with a red bulb stabbed it in the eye.
The angel fell back onto its back, in pain and in surprise. The plant was too small for its fat fingers to pull out, and for some reason its AT field couldn't get rid of it. So, it had to deal with this the old fashioned way. It closed one eye and just glared with the other. Standing further back from the girl was an older man with glasses and a Tuxedo. He then did some sort of aggressive posturing as a follow up to his attack.
The angel only had one thing to say. "What the ….?" The rest soon degraded into expletives that most humans wouldn't dare attempt much less visualize if they understood what the angel was saying. Whether these repugnant humans could understand that or not didn't matter, it was time for them to die. The human in the tuxedo walked calmly over to the girl, who was still staring at him, and began speaking. The angel's superior hearing caught on to what they were saying.
"You should summon the others. It appears that my blinding rose attack was ineffective. Also, remind me later to bring more than one rose."
The girl nodded. Then she grabbed a whistle. It produced a shrill cry, which prompted another minute or two of their epic staring contest. Three more humans joined her, up on the rooftop. One had blond hair and was holding a laptop, another had purple hair and seemed to be the most appealing to look at of the group. A girl about the same size as the first also stepped up, with red hair and a shorter stature. Once they all had arrived they turned towards the entrance on the rooftop.
"Shinji, get out here! We need you!"
A voice echoed from out of sight. "But I don't want to! Why does he get to be the one with the tuxedo? How come I have to be the one to do all the crossdressing? Why me?"
The man in the tuxedo with the glasses adjusted the lenses so they were closer to his forehead, a move which most found intimidating, or at least he hoped so. "Because I am more of a man than you, and most people find you rather effeminate." Unfortunately, most of the women nodded in agreement. It could have something to do with the fact that he was their boss, but they would never say that in public.
Finally, a smaller dark haired boy joined the group on the roof. The angel found all of this to be rather interesting, as in the face of total annihilation the humans still seemed to have some sort of idea. Aggravating creatures. Then the five humans, the four girls and small boy, gathered together in one spot.
"I really don't want to do this!"
"Shut up you sissy boy, we are gonna save the world!"
"Mein Gott! Shinji stop complaining so we can transform!"
"But this is embarrassing! I am never going to live this down!"
"Ikari. Sohryu." These two words, from the girl with blue hair, seemed to shut up both of the annoying human children. Then the angel saw a pillar of light surround the five people, some sort of energy gathering into them. It chose to just observe, as this was something new the humans were doing.
The light was blinding enough that the angel's one eye wasn't able to see what was going on, but it could sense that it was potent. After almost a minute nothing seemed to be happening. The angel considered asking the human man with glasses and a tuxedo if it was up for a game of poker while they waited, but just as it was about to do so, the lightshow ended. The five people hadn't moved, and the only thing about them that had changed was their outfits. Each of them was wearing something brightly colored with a short skirt. The angel had no idea what this meant, but it was certainly confused.
Gendo, the man in the tuxedo, was about to nearly have a heart attack. Hopefully he had disabled the cameras that could possibly record what could be the most pitiful moment of NERV's brief existence. At least they wouldn't have to field the Evangelions, now that would ruin everything. Finally the transformation ended, for which he was only somewhat grateful.
Thankfully the angel had just sat there and watched while all this occurred, as the full minute transformation was when their people were at their most vulnerable. Of course, it might also be one of those perverted angels and simply be interested, but Gendo would never count on it.
His operations director was in some orange motif costume, With *shudder* girlish stars all over. His chief Scientist was in the same, only in blue, and strangely kept her laptop with her. Oh well at least that proved that one of them was useful. His red-haired pilot was in a red uniform, and his son was sadly dressed as one of them, save that his outfit was green. This made Gendo doubly sure that he would find any and all traces of this battle and remove it from everyone's memory. The shame was simply too great. Worst of all, Rei, his great project, was in white near the front. Oh yes, there would certainly be some alcohol involved is getting rid of these mental images.
The now suited team then began to sound off, making Gendo feel even more vindictive. "I'm Sailor Venus, the senshi of love!" The being that was once his chief operations director yelled out. Scratch the rest, he was going to shut down the MAGI and purge the records of all of this.
"Sailor Mercury, and I am willing to bet I'm smarter than you." What was once Doctor Akagi said calmly. The monstrosity of an angel only twitched one of it's eyes, the one that still had a rose stuck in it. Gendo was rather proud of that throw, even though he was an idiot for only bringing one rose.
"Sailor Mars, and I am going to burn you right into the underworld!" Gendo considered getting better fire insurance at NERV as soon as Asuka said this. Mars then elbowed the cross-dresser in the group, his son.
His son mumbled his answer. "Jupiter. I'm gonna kill you for making me wear this getup."
Then everyone looked at Rei expectantly. It was rare to hear the girl speak more than three words. An enthusiastic speech from her might just turn the tide of battle. She still was winning the staring contest between her and the angel, prompting her to speak. "I am Moon. Attack." The simple order went out to the rest, and then the angel was confused as it was bombarded by small pink hearts. This was followed by some sort of burning paper note, along with a blast of lightning and a spray of water. These had little effect, if only to raise its interest. These waves of attacks were accompanied by shrill attack cries, which were possibly more damaging than the attacks they indicated.
Then the angel felt something scratch it. It was a small circular piece of metal, which flew at it and made a small cut in its core. Now that was something of interest. The one that called herself Moon caught the small piece of metal and replaced it upon her forehead. The angel narrowed its one good eye at them. Now it was pissed, and finally ready to fight.
One blast of its holy energy was enough to wipe out the building. The four sailor suited girls and one cross-dressing boy all executed a perfect back-flip behind the rubble. The glasses man simply fell gracelessly to the ground, now for sure no longer able to throw those cursed thorn-ridden plants. With a single minded ignorance it figured that it had now accomplished a victory. That perspective would soon change, but it figured that it had been entertained enough. Now it was on to bigger and better things.
On the ground, the five heroes had gathered together again. Of the five, the only one without some form of anger on their face was Rei, but that was a given. She herself was walking over to where their boss in the tuxedo had fallen, and none too gently pulled him out of the rubble. "Our attacks were ineffective. We must deploy the Evangelion in order to achieve victory."
Gendo, with one of his lenses missing, shook his head. "If we do so NERV will never be professionally recognized again. We cannot do so."
Another crash occurred as the Angel began tearing its way through the armor plates on top of the Geofront. Before anyone else could say anything, two more creatures showed up next to the suited warriors. Two cats, one white and one black, approached the group. The white one seemed to have a scruffy looking chin, as if it had a beard on top of its fur coat. The black cat had a weird looking visor in front of its eyes.
"Well, I can't find any complaint about the uniform, Venus." The white cat said with a leer.
"Oh shut up Kaji, ever since you turned into a cat you have just gotten worse." The purple haired Venus shot back.
"At least you became your significant other's advisor." The other cat with the visor replied. The cat also ignored the outraged denials that both yelled back. "I am stuck trying to advise someone who has no appreciation for social nuance!" With a grumble the black cat then stalked over to Gendo and Moon. "Deploy the Evangelion so that we can win this war or else I will make you my personal scratching post Gendo."
Gendo, still half buried in the rubble, finally nodded. "As you wish, Chairman Kihl. Prepare to launch Evangelion Unit one." Gendo adjusted his glasses again, and then began to extricate himself from the rubble.
Five minutes later, all of the group were now in front of a giant purple head, where most of the body of the Evangelion was submerged in LCL. Mercury's laptop was in constant use, and she spent their entire trip down to the giant super weapon speaking in technological jargon that no one but the cat, Kaji, understood. Though he spent more time taking advantage of his viewpoint from the ground instead of translating what Mercury was babbling.
"Why can't I transform back for this?" The cross-dressing Jupiter asked.
"You are such a baka, Shinji! Our powers extend to the Evangelion! Of course it will need you to be transformed to work!" Mars shouted, causing most of the lights to flicker as her anger caused them to glow brighter.
"Don't worry, Shinji. I know that we'll win this. We have to!" Venus said. She then kicked the cat that was trying to get a look at her.
So, being forced to by a room full of women, Shinji got into the entry plug.
The Third Angel lazily tore off another layer of plating on its way down to what it would possibly consider the worst day of its short life. No epic battle, not even a single thing other than a thorned plant and a headpiece piercing its skin. Oh, and that bomb thing that the pitiful human military attempted. What a freaking letdown. So now it was taking its sweet time getting down to its objective. It wasn't like anything else was capable of hurting it anymore.
Then it felt something. Sticking its head out of the hole it just dug, it saw some sort of rail system emerging from the street a mile or so down. Standing up tall, it hoped that this was the fabled Evangelion it would get to fight. So, it stretched its arms out, ready to go in and tear out the target's arm or something. It could almost smile if it wasn't for the bloody thorned flower in its eye.
Almost twenty seconds later the lift finally deposited something at the top. The Third Angel then performed the intimidating stare technique, hoping it would work on this target a bit better than that weird red eyed human. Unfortunately then it noticed the Evangelion. It was purple. No that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that it was in the same multicolored outfit that the earlier group was in.
So, the giant Angel of Death did the only thing it could reasonably do in this situation. It fell over, laughing as only an Angel can. Tears came to its eyes as it beheld the thing that was supposed to be the last and most epic battle of this existence.
It wasn't the only one crying either. Far away from the battle, Gendo Ikari sat at his desk, tears running down his face as he watched NERV become the laughingstock of the entire world. "It's over. We will never accomplish the project now."
From next to him on the desk, a black cat with a visor also brooded, tail flicking in humiliation as NERV's greatest weapon caused the Angel to roll on the ground in laughter. Unfortunately, no one told the cross-dressing pilot that it was laughing at the Evangelion and not him. So Gendo and Kihl the cat watched as Shinji began murdering the angel to prove that he was indeed a male, and not someone wearing a skirt. Or at least that was what it sounded like coming out of the Evangelion's speakers.
"Gendo, it appears that we still might succeed. There only needs to be one major change to the plan." The cat and the tuxedo man glanced at each other, glasses to visor. "Extend the Human Instrumentaliy Project to include felines."
And now that finishes what appears to be the equivalent of a drug trip. I really don't care what people think of this, it is the product of one crazy night with very little sleep. Or at least that is as much as I remember about the night that spawned this idea. Anyways, I hope that all of you guys enjoy it and find it funny to look at Evangelion in a satirical light. Now, flame and blame all that you wish.