Couple o' months late but happy new year everyone!!
anyone else doing A levels here?? they're my excuse for missing a third of this year.
FINALLY found a break in my coursework/exams to write this little old story. So hope ya'll enjoy!
Its called Blueberries. There is a reason but perhaps its not as obvious as I'd like. But I'll live with it.
On the eve of your birthday, Andrew, I give you this. A story called Blueberries.
Blueberries
In memory of Andrew
I'm back in the fields where I left my childhood behind. The rolling fields of lush green grass, each blade a symphony to the summer breeze. It feels like it goes on forever, stretching out into the horizon until the sky takes over. A tiny sliver of a beaten track snakes down the field, lost in the depth of the grass but I know its there.
"Chihiro"
The voice melts in the distance, echoing from the trees behind me. Do I turn around? Back into the labyrinth of trees that I know await me, aimlessly grasping onto any light I can find in the darkness; or do I move forward? Field or forest?
"Chihiro"
I follow the voice, my feet winding me past the trunk of each tree as I set my own path forward into the unknown, following the sound of the voice in my head. But I'm not afraid. The forest is so familiar, the darkness brings no feeling of danger. Its almost comforting.
"Chihiro"
A light. I step into, hesitant at first. It pulls at me, wanting more of me. I feel the urge to step forward, to surrender myself completely. Just the feeling of the warmth on my face makes the back of me numb.
"Chihiro"
The voice calls again and the light changes. But its not unpleasant, just different. A strange colour, between purple and blue. Blueberry. Its the colour of blueberries, a colour so vivid that I can almost taste it on my tongue.
"Don't look Chihiro"
But I want to. I want to see everything, to fade into the light until I no longer exist. But I'm too late. The light fades away, a tiny speck in the distance. I step forward, trying to cling onto the last of this light. But I'm back in the fields and this time, I want to run. They are repulsive, the stench that wafts in the wind is nauseating that I want to throw up. Yet nothing has changed.
And I wake up, feeling as numb as ever. Perhaps if my dream had a purpose or an ending, something that makes me sit up suddenly in bed or scream, it wouldn't be so bad. But I wake up feeling sad. A longing for something. But I don't know what.
"Go back to sleep Chihiro" the voice next to me groans, rolling over in his sleep. I roll my eyes, throwing back my half of the covers and padding to the bathroom.
The pale morning light stretches through the doorway and I take a moment to breath in the scenery. Breath-taking. I love living out here, where I'm moments away from civilisation but a footstep away from this; rolling green fields that stretch beyond where the eye can see. And trees. A whole forest of trees, acres and acres. I sigh, pulling on my jacket as I walk forward. I never seem to make it anyway, I'm always in sight of the house. I'm never sure which way to go, just like in my dream. I shudder. That dream has been haunting me since childhood and I never know what it means. Blueberries, why blueberries? I don't even like them that much. Why is that light the colour of blueberries? I can faintly remember something with eyes the colour similar to blueberries. But they're not human eyes, cats eyes perhaps? No. It was something bigger, something much much bigger. But not threatening. Comforting. The colour of blueberries has always been comforting. So why am I so afraid of giving myself to the light in my dream? I look to the fields sighing to myself as I find myself trapped in-between the field and the forest again. Just like in my dream. The field is safe, I know the field. It stretches on for a lifetime but I know it will never change. If I take the path through the field then the scenery will follow me. But it will be boring and I'll be stuck in a cycle that many have taken before me.
But the forest...its different. Its dangerous. I'll be lost in the trees with no path to follow. But there is something at the end, something to work towards. That's why I walk through the forest.
But I know all this; I figured out the first part of the dream when I was sixteen.
Why blueberries?
"Chihiro! I'm off to work now!"
My current lover calls to me. Yes, lover. Not husband or boyfriend. We're too causal for that. I don't want a serious relationship and that suits him just fine. I only stay with him because his eyes are blue. Yes, we're together because of his eyes. You can laugh, I do. Its the most ridiculous reason for sticking with someone. But his eyes are comforting. Everything melts away when I'm with him. Trouble is, they come back in the morning. It never lasts.
Which brings me back. Field or forest?
I look at the sky. Its nearly noon. I've been out here for a while and still; field or forest? I close my eyes and spin, allowing myself to stumble when I stop before I open my eyes. I've landed in the direction of...the forest. Its always the forest. Perhaps this time I'll make it somewhere.
I turn around and walk back into the house.
Maybe tomorrow.
No. something is different today. I reach the door and I don't feel the usual defeat, the same dilemma running through my head. Today, the decision is made.
The forest. Find the blueberries. And maybe, I'll be able to make peace with whatever strange reason I have for dreaming the same dream for the past twenty years.
I hitch up my skirt, determined to see this through. I am scared, the forest is still dark regardless of the sun's height. But I walk, my head held high even if my mind is buzzing with a million reasons why I should turn back now.
I take a step past the threshold of the forest. And I follow it through. Soon, I am running through the trees, laughing maniacally at myself, my skirts flying in the air. What would my mother think? A thirty-something year old woman acting like a child. Its the best feeling in the world.
And, just like my dream, I come to a light. But its not the colour of blueberries. Its not really a light. Its a tunnel, with a dim light at the end. I grin.
I boldly stride through the tunnel and its walking through a memory.
Don't cling so tight Chihiro, you'll make me trip
Have I been here before? Maybe I have, but as a child. Not a young child but a child none-the-less. And I was afraid of this place. But why? Suddenly I'm not so sure of myself. Perhaps I should have follow the path through the fields.
I emerge out the other end of the tunnel, passing through a run-down station with my teeth firmly biting down on my lower lip. I should turn back now, while its still safe to do so. But I continue on, through the fields full of boulders that stand under the watchful eye of a clock tower. A clock tower...
"I've been here before" I tell myself, physically sounding my thoughts to convince myself I'm still here, that this is not another dream. I pinch myself. Its not a dream.
"I was here as a child. This a memory. A distant memory of..."
I'm lost. What had happen here? And why can't I remember anything beyond blueberries and a clock tower? I need to go on, to uncover more. My hands gripped tightly, fisting my skirt above my ankles as I walked through the field, mustering the last of my courage as I come to a flight of stairs. Concrete stairs over a bed of rocks. Stairs that lead where? This is nothing like my dream.
An old theme park...
An old theme park? Is that what this was? Maybe I came here as a child, when it was still in business. No. Its older then that. This has been void of any man years before I was born. I think. I don't remember any kind of theme-park fun here. Only the far off feeling that I'm not supposed to be here. But I cant distinguish when I felt that; as a child? Or now. I certainly feel it now but did I feel it as a child? Maybe I just grew up a coward. No, not a coward. I've come this far. I'm braver then I think. Did I discover that bravery here?
The wind whistles down the ghost street, swirling through the old restaurants. The sun is setting, I can see it fading on the horizon. It must be nearing nightfall. The darkness must be playing tricks on me, its almost as if I can see people in the buildings around me. I move swiftly forward, too afraid to turn back and face the darkness of the forest behind me. Besides, I can see lanterns ahead of me, the candle inside slowly gaining light. Its blue. The lanterns are blue. But not like blueberries. Am I close?
"Chihiro..."
The voice from my dream! He's across that bridge, under the lantern! I can feel it. The voice of my dreams, the one beckoning me through the trees! I rush forward, stumbling along the wooden planks of the bridge as a train whistles underneath. I'm near. I can hear people inside, murmurs of voices under the footsteps of someone rushing around.
What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here! Run...
I see someone with their back to me; long green hair swept back into a pony tail, white clothes of a servant boy. He's tall, far above my height. And he looks old. Even from behind, theres a feeling of age and wisdom from him, something that only comes with age. I tap him on the shoulder.
"Chihiro?"
His eyes pierce me. I expect them to be blue but they're green, a dull emerald that light up when he said my name.
You need to eat something-
I don't think. It feels like I've stopped breathing. There's a brief second of clarity, like a light went on above my head. And suddenly, everything makes sense. But its scary kind of sense; feelings I've felt before are opening up to me again. I want to give into them, to emerge myself in my everything from my past. But I'm frightened. I don't want to lose control. I don't want to leave myself vulnerable knowing there's a chance I could get hurt. The clarity is leaving me; I'm back on the bridge. The light has gone.
"Haku?"
Did I say that? I think that's his name but I cant remember. And its frustrating.
"What are you doing here?"
He looks bewildered, as confused as I am. But its for different reasons.
"I don't know. Where is here?"
His eyes soften, "You don't remember"
"I know I've been here before. And I know you know me. Where am I? How do I know you?"
"We met when you were younger. But it doesn't matter. You have to leave"
"Why? Can't you tell me where I am?"
"You don't have time. You have to leave, now!"
He pushes me, towards the restaurants where the lights are just turning on and shadows of people emerge from the buildings. But the sight makes me dizzy. The pressure on my skin, where his hands pushed me, makes my head spin. Where am I?
"Haku" I whisper, feeling my feet slip underneath me and my body crash to the floor. The lights spin around me, flying round me. I clasp my head. I feel tears spill from between my fingertips. I'm aware of Haku next to me, his hand on my shoulder but I cant do anything. I cant say anything. All I can do is cry.
Something is pressed against my mouth. A blueberry. I don't like blueberries. I don't want it.
"You need to eat something!"
I've heard that before? But where? I feel even dizzier trying to remember. It hurts to think. So I give up.
My name? Chihi – oh. Its Sen
Haven't you worked a day before in your life?
We made so much money!
Its medicine. From the river spirit.
I want you to call me Granny
Will I ever see you again?
The light. Its fading again. But I'm not dreaming. The blueberry light is leaving me. But I know what it is now.
"Chihiro"
Its him. Haku. Its been him all along.
I'm fading again.
But I wont end up in the fields. I'll be gone.
Forever.
Haku..
I finally understand.
The End
Will I ever give them a happy ending?? :p
I don't know if it made perfect sense to readers. I'm sorry. I just need to get it out there on fanfiction.It feels like i've closed a door with this one.
To those that celebrate, hope your Ostara was fulfilling. A toast to all of you, flamers included ;)
Alternatively, happy Easter! Lent is over, stuff yourself with chocolate!
Blessed be,
Chrysoberyl