I dunno what I was thinking when I wrote this. It's based off a scene from Monty Pythons' the Meaning of Life. Everything bolded is taken right from the movie, so I don't own that. Nor do I own KH.
Sora heard the doorbell ring at his house. "Don't worry, dear, I'll get it!" he told Kairi from the other end of the hall as he made his way to the door.
He opened the door to find two people in white lab coats with black robes underneath them. One of them had short, blond hair with a nicely trimmed goatee. He was looking at a clipboard in his hand. The other had blonde hair with bangs that looked like antennae.
"'Ello, can we have your heart?" Luxord asked as if he was asking for a cup of sugar.
Sora was taken aback in shock. "What?"
"Your heart. It's that cardiac muscle in your chest. You know, it's red in color, sort of-"
"Yeah, I know what it is, but...I'm using it!" Sora interrupted.
Luxord and Larxene exchanged knowing glances and Larxene shoved Sora back into his house. "Come on man, don't fuck with us!" she yelled. She pinned him to the wall while Luxord rummaged around in his pockets, looking for something. After fishing out a wallet, he pulled out Sora's organ donation card.
"'Ello! What's this then?"
Sora was dumbfounded. "An organ donors card."
"Need we say more?" asked Luxord as Larxene muscled Sora into the living room, pinning him to the couch.
"Listen, I can't give it to you now, it says 'In the event of death!'" Sora argued.
"No one has ever had their hearts taken out by us and survived," Luxord argued back.
"Just lie there, sir, it won't take a minute," Larxene said sadistically as she pried open his ribcage with her bare hands while Luxord idly looked on.
Sora screamed in raw agony while Larxene was carving out his heart with her kunai. Blood covered the room, soaking Larxene, but she didn't seem to mind. She was almost enjoying it. Well, as much as a nobody could.
Kairi came in from the other room and said, "Hey, what's going on?"
"He's donating his heart, madam," Luxord offered.
"Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?" she asked while watching Larxene toying with Sora's left ventricle.
"That's right, madam."
"Typical of him. He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions. He gives blood, he does cold research, all that sort of thing," she said as she got hit by a random burst of blood. Larxene was pulling Sora's heart out with one hand and cutting off stray arteries with the other as Sora used the last of his strength to try and muscle his heart away from the savage.
"So, what do you do with them all, anyway?" asked Kairi in an attempt to make small talk.
"They all go to saving lives, madam," Luxord explained.
"That's what he used to say. 'It's all for the good of the country', he used to say. Do you think it's all for the good of the country?"
"Hmm?" Luxord snapped out of his daydreaming.
"Do you think it's all for the good of the country?"
"Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam, we're just doing our jobs, you know."
"You're not doctors, then?"
"Oh, blimey, no!" Luxord exclaimed as he and Larxene shared a laugh.
Roxas came in with a backpack slung over his shoulder. "Mom, Dad, I'm going out now, see you around seven," he said as he took a quick look at the bloodbath without a second thought.
"Righto, son, look after yourself!" Kairi said as she watched him leave.
After about a minute of watching Larxene dangle Sora's heart in front of his dead face like a cat with a mouse, Kairi made a suggestion. "Would you fancy a cup of tea?"
"Oh, that would be very nice, thank you!" Luxord said as he watched her disappear into the kitchen. "I thought she'd never ask," he whispered to Larxene.
He went into the kitchen where Kairi was putting on the kettle.
"Uh, you do realize that he has to be, well, dead, by the terms of the card before he donates his heart?"
"Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me, the silly man."
"Well, I was wondering, you know, what you were thinking about doing after that? I mean, will you stay on your own? Or is there, well, someone else sort of...on the horizon?" Luxord started awkwardly.
"I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime."
"Not at all! Um...very attractive woman," Luxord muttered.
"Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again."
"Sure?"
"Sure."
"Can we have your heart then?"
"I would be scared."
"All right, I'll tell you what, listen to this," Luxord said as he opened the refrigerator. Demyx popped out, sporting an orange suit with a hat and cane and started singing.
"Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite ENOUGH!" he yelled that last word as the wall came crashing down, revealing all the stars in the universe. Demyx took Kairi by the hand and took her on a universal tour.
"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour.
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A Sun that is the source of all our power.
The Sun and you and me
And all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day!
In an outer spiral arm at 40 thousand miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.
"Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick
But out by us it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point
We go 'round every 200 million years!
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and expanding universe!
"Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know,
12 million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is," as Demyx and Kairi made their way back to the kitchen from the great expanses of the universe.
"So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth!
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!" With that, Demyx disappeared back into the refrigerator, leaving Luxord and Kairi there with an awkward silence.
"Makes you feel so…sort of insignificant, doesn't it?" asked Kairi.
"Oh, yeah," Luxord said. He inched closer to Kairi, and when his face was merely a seductive inch from hers...
OH CARP!!11!!11!! L3MON!11!!11!! CLOSE YOUR EYES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!!111!!111!!111!!111111
"...Can we have your heart, then?"
"Yeah, all right, you talked me into it," Kairi said with a non-committal shrug.
Roxas as son…wtf did he come from? Who knows, it's crack.
Woah! Sora and Kairi made an appearance in one of my fics! That'll probably never happen again, unless they need to donate MOAR body parts. Not that I hate them, but Organization members are far more fun. XD