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Song suggestion - "Millstone" - Brand New
Depression is a horrible thing.
It takes every happy thought, every joyous moment and drains the color from them until there's nothing left but a dark, empty gray. It clouds your mind with doubt and negativity. It eats away at you until even you can't recognize yourself.
Eli Goldsworthy knows this feeling all too well.
He's dealt with this for two years now, ever since Julia died. He's tired of feeling useless. He's tired of finding reasons to get out of bed. He's just plain tired. With all the questions he's going to leave unanswered, there is one thing he wants to make clear: he's not doing this for an easy fix, a simple solution, no; he was doing this for them. His parents. Adam. Clare. It was for their own good, if he didn't do this now he'd only further drag them down. He wasn't going to let himself destroy them anymore.
They were brave enough to be his friends; he wouldn't continue punishing them for that foolish mistake. If anything, his action would be a "thank you." They had all been there for him, at one time or another, when he needed them. He didn't deserve the compassion and patience they showed him. He didn't deserve their time or their friendship. He just didn't deserve them.
Another thing he felt should be brought to the light: he didn't blame any of them, not one bit; he assured them all so in their letters. He couldn't think of a reason to blame any of them if he had to, they had all brought so much joy to his dull existence.
His parents shouldn't have to hover over him and constantly worry about what he'll do next. They used to always be laughing and happy, but now they were always concerned and asking questions. He'd pretend not to notice the wrinkles now prominent in both his parents' foreheads due to stress. Having a psycho for a son can't be easy. He made them doubt their parenting - thinking they didn't do enough for him- when really they were exceptional. No other parents would have been able to keep up with him and remain happily married at the same time.
Adam shouldn't have to always check on him, he should be able to leave his friend alone without wondering what would happen to him. He was not a babysitter. He shouldn't have to tiptoe around certain subjects, afraid of upsetting Eli. He shouldn't have to waste his time trying to cheer up someone who was too far gone.
And Clare, he could never blame her. He envied her. Hell, he'd run from himself if he could. She tried so hard to save him, but he was a lost cause. He knew he depended on her way too much, but he couldn't help himself, she made him forget how horrible he was. He should've known she'd run, deep down he probably did. Everyone leaves. It shouldn't surprise him; he couldn't even take car of himself, why the hell would some 15 year old girl be able to? It was unfair of him to hope she could fix him. He couldn't be fixed, no matter how hard he wanted to be, it wasn't going to happen.
He hopes they won't get too upset when they hear the news. There was no way they could have stopped him. This was inevitable. Every moment of his 16 years was leading up to this. They shouldn't blame themselves, if anything, they prolonged his stay here. He got the chance to fall in love again, to actually have a best friend, because of them he was able to genuinely smile from time to time. They did so much, but they couldn't save him.
He knew they all wanted to leave, hell, Clare did. Everyone leaves, they have to, he wears people out. He knew the only reason they stayed with him was because they felt bad. If he left them they wouldn't have to feel guilty. It'd be his own fault. Everything was his fault.
In his opinion only good things could come from this. He would be gone; he'd be out of their hair. No more calls from the principal, no more making room for his hoarding problem, no more paying for his expensive therapy that wasn't doing any good. He couldn't screw up their lives anymore. One day, they'll look back on this and smile.
He knows they'll feel bad at first, especially his parents and Adam, but he knows further down the road they'll realize this was a good decision. They could all stop fretting over him and his stupid problems and get back to their lives. Get back to living. And he, well he'd be in a better place. Where exactly? Purgatory? Hell? Anywhere but here.
He was tired of hurting people he cared about, he'd done that enough. As long as he was breathing the cycle would continue. He didn't want to be a burden anymore. He loved them all and he hated seeing them in pain. He hated it even more when it was caused by him. This had to end. Clare, Adam, Cece and Bullfrog, they deserved happiness, every one of them. They wouldn't, they couldn't get that if he was around. He'd only ruin it.
He's been thinking about this, what he's about to do, for awhile now. He hates himself a little more (a fact he didn't even think was possible at this point) for not doing it sooner. He could have spared them so much pain. But no, he had to be stupid and wait. He actually thought for a moment or two he was getting better and that everything would be alright. What a load of shit.
He wonders how everyone will react the next day at school. Will he get a mention in the morning announcements? Maybe a special bench with his name engraved on the side? Doubt it. He bets kids at school won't even notice. Adam will of course, a few teachers too maybe. After doing role call for the third time with no reply from "Goldsworthy?" they should get the message. That's it. Adam and a few teachers. What an honor! Anyone else he's ever associated with will be too busy trying to avoid him; not even realizing that person she's trying to avoid is no longer there.
Adam will be fine, Clare too once she picks up on what happened. Adam has his brother, Fiona, Wesley, Connor, the new girl Katie who he's taken a liking to, and Clare of course. He's not worried about Clare, it's not like she's noticed his existence lately anyway. If things somehow get rough for her though (that's a laugh), she has Alli, Jenna and Adam to help her through. He knows this won't be necessary. They'll get over him, he's not that special.
His parents are away for the evening, his father had some type of event going on, and apparently the station would be airing live all night from some venue. After constant coaxing that he would be alright, Cece agreed to tag along with a hesitant look on her face. They don't call it mother's intuition for nothing.
Before they left he gave each one of them tight hugs to which they awkwardly responded to. Cece honestly couldn't remember the last time her son initiated a hug. She was worried at first, but the small smile Eli flashed her washed away all her doubts. He mentioned maybe calling Adam to hang out to further reassure them that he would be just fine on his own. They seemed to buy it. Both Cece and Bullfrog surveyed Eli one last time before heading out the door. Eli watched them from the window, giving a slight wave as they drove off. He kept his eyes on them until they were out of sight and remained standing for a few minutes, just in case his parents forgot something and had to turn back. Wouldn't that be awkward? After another moment he decided he was safe, the time had come. No more stalling, no more regrets. The time remaining was precious.
His first thought was to slit his wrists, he figured the kids at school would appreciate the irony, but then he thought of his parents' faces when they would find him. He'd done enough to them as it was, he didn't need to add traumatize to the list. After going through the pro's and cons for other methods he decided on pills.
His parents would come home late to a quiet house and find him lying on his bed, completely still. They would think he was asleep. It'd be peaceful…or about as peaceful as this situation could get.
Once his parents left he raided the medicine cabinets, collecting whatever pills he stumbled upon. He ended up with a wide assortment of painkillers.
With heavy steps, a heavy heart and a handful of pills Eli made his way up to his cluttered bedroom and closed the door behind him. He glanced at the three envelopes on his desk that he'd written earlier - one addressed to his parents, one to Adam, and one to Clare - before he started crushing the pills he found with a butter knife that was stashed underneath his pillow.
Once they were powder he emptied them into his half empty water bottle where his already dissolved anxiety pills resided. He didn't want to take any chances, he screwed up enough times in his life, and this would be the one thing he got right.
He climbed onto his made bed and began to shake the bottle repeatedly, only stopping once all the pills had dissolved. He slowly untwisted the cap and looked around his room, trying to remember every detail. With a deep heavy sigh he brought the bottle to his chapped lips and began to drink.
He tilted the bottle higher and higher, chugging the water down. He swallowed the bitter concoction and grimaced. The hard part was done, now all he had to do was wait. Laying his head down on the cold pillow he let his mind begin to wander.
He thinks of his parents and how they'll react. He's pretty sure they'll cry at first. He's never seen his father cry before and hates himself even more for being the one to do that to him.
He thinks of Adam. He prays he understands why this had to be done. He hopes he doesn't get bothered at school for this. He trusts he finds a nice girl who accepts him as he is.
He even thinks of Clare. He wonders if that boy he's seen her with makes her happy, he hopes so. He wonders if she'll come to his funeral.
His eyes start to get heavy and he knows he's almost there. With the moments he has left he decides to remember the good times.
His first concert, his first kiss with Clare, the time Julia told him she loved him, him and Adam's numerous discussions over which issue of The Goon is the best…
He feels himself start to get weak as he continues,
…the time he and Clare skipped English class, the first time he made love to Julia, the Dead Hand concert with Adam and Sav, when he first bought Morty, the time Bullfrog and Cece told him they were proud of him after hitting a homerun in gym class, lying in a hammock, holding Clare at the secret party…
His eyes start to droop and his thoughts become clouded. He can barely see the room his eyes are so heavy. He tries focusing on the light fixture above him, but everything is blurred.
He's lost track of whatever he was thinking of by now. He feels his body begin to shut down.
All he see's is…Adam, silently laughing, presumably at one of his crude jokes, Bullfrog shooting him that mischievous smirk he inherited, Cece smiling wide at him and ruffling his dark hair and…Clare. She's looking at him, genuinely happy, not scared, and those blue eyes he loves so much are twinkling.
He smiles weakly as the imaginary Clare grins wider. He tries to reach out and attempt to touch her, but he is far too weak to even lift a finger. He feels his pulse slowing and he can no longer keep his eyes open. His breathing grows weaker and weaker, the rise and fall of his chest now almost nonexistent.
He's numb, he can't feel a thing, the ghost of a smile still sketched on his pale face as the smiling girl disappears and everything fades to black.