Fears
By K. Lira
Anytime I would see the flickering of brown tresses, smell the lingering scent of lilacs with a hint of tea or even just the scent of the tea itself, my heart would leap from deep within my chest. How long has it been? Since I last saw your face; held your hand; even felt the warmth envelope my cheeks at yet another of your teasing remarks? Too long. It has been far too long.
Absentmindedly I twirled the pencil between my lightly chapped fingers. How long? My eyes focused on the fluttering leaves beyond my stone imprisonment; the world within was lost to me… the world outside but a dream. In my mind I played over and over simple memories; memories in which only you and I knew.
Where had you gone?
…
Why had you gone?
With the gentle voice before me and the droning tick tock of the clock… this was my prison. My world without you.
Here in the dark I stand
Won't you come take my hand?
Won't you lead me back to the light?
Papers shuffled all about, bodies moving, some to freedom others not. Downward I glanced, my eyes falling upon the unopened notebook. Where had the time gone? All my eyes could see was you, all my ears could hear was you, all I could smell was you… yet here I stood, amidst a sea of raging bodies all wanting out – all of them… not you.
My feet took me as if by memory – for I knew not where I was but my feet knew. They knew and carried me to where they took me everyday: forward.
Through the good and bad
We've had it all
Together side by side
Nothing could break us – not together
Yet here I stand
Hand empty
Heart low
Where oh where are you my love?
It was to another stone imprisonment – four more to be exact – before my I felt my feet carry me to a place where I may weep in the comforts of familiar walls. Life drug me forward not by a will all my own, for I was lost long ago. No these feet drug me forth, up familiar steps, to that oh so familiar door as if they knew something I did not.
In this world of cruelty, you are my protector and I yours
But how can I protect you…
When I cannot find you?
The key slide into spot; a perfect match. Why wouldn't it be? This was my home after all. As I began to turn the knob, my body began to feel that which my feet had secretly been trying to tell me. The wave of emotions that came at the end of everyday – the joy, the memories, the adoration, the mere feeling… of you.
What greeted me first was a soft golden muzzle trying to wedges its way through the small crack in the door, "Duran…" I murmured softly, releasing the door and allowing the furry beast to come forth and tackle me, adorning my face with wet sloppy kisses.
I remember…
Once our greetings had been exchanged he skittered back into the warmth of home from which sweet aromas seemed to emanate.
I can see it clearly now
Quietly I slipped in, closing the door softly behind me. The first scent that hit me wasn't of you, but that of something sweet, an unnamable fragrance. In my chest I could feel my heart skitter, missing more than a few beats. Each step I took toward the sweet fragrance and the most beautiful humming I had ever heard was another missed beat.
When I had awoken that morning
As I rounded the corner and glanced into the kitchen, I saw it. The very essence of my existence, my one reason… you.
Beside me it was cold,
You were gone.
Behind you I crept – you were so focused on cooking what was no doubt our dinner. My arms wound their way about your waist, my body leaning against yours, my nose nuzzled into the crook of your neck – all eliciting a soft gasp for you. The scent of lilac, the hint of tea, the soft brown tresses…
But now here you are
Safe within my arms
"Natsuki?" I could hear the concern in your voice, you made to turn but I refused, nuzzling my nose further into the crook of you're neck, though my hands held you gently.
It was out of character. It was abnormal. Yet still you waited – patience was your virtue. I crocked at first, a clear sign. Of what? I wasn't entirely sure. "Shizuru…" I began my words as gentle as the breeze, but they died, just as the breeze does now and then.
You waited through my silence, leaning back and into my frame. We fit perfectly; two halves of one whole. Softly you hummed, swaying us back and forth oh so graciously. We needed no music – with you there was never any need – for deep within our hearts we sung the same song.
"Welcome home Natsuki," So soft, gentle.
I couldn't help but smile, which I'm sure you felt, "I'm home." I murmured softly.
In this small moment, through these simple words, every small fear I had dissipated. Though I knew tomorrow I would face the same fears, in this moment I felt fearless. With you I could conquer the world but in moments spent without you I felt my life slowly seep back to the dark.
Tomorrow
When all my fears begin anew
I can only wait
Wait until time will allow me
To come home to your waiting arms.
You are my sun
You are my air
You are the piece that makes me whole.