Confessions

Lucy wasn't sure if she really wanted to do this. If she really had the strength to go through with it. If she really was going to tell her best friend that she was in love with her. Her very female and very engaged best friend. Engaged to a man that is. But she had to. Even if it meant losing Mina forever, she just couldn't live with this secret anymore. Idly sitting by and putting up a brave façade while dying a little inside whenever she sees her best friend with her fiancé. Not knowing what could be would be worse than getting rejected now. At least that is what Lucy tries to tell herself as she sits with Mina in her room, about to finally say what she had bottled up for so long.

'What is the matter with you?'

The words got her out of her stupor, and the blonde looked up into the grey eyes of her best friend, who was looking intently at her. Mina was sitting on the large armchair in the corner, completely at ease.

'What do you mean? Nothing is the matter.' She is stalling, she knows it, but she needs the extra time.

'You've been absently staring at the same spot for quite some time now. You haven't heard a word I just told you. In fact, you have been deep in thought a lot as of lately. So I know it is not 'nothing'. Tell me what is bothering you.'

Mina looked concerned and worried, not knowing what has her best friend in such a mood.

Lucy took a deep breath, knowing that this was the perfect opportunity. She got up from her position on Mina's bed and started pacing the room, hoping it would distract her a bit. It still didn't ease her mind, but it was now or never.

'You are right. I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about you and your engagement. Seeing you and Jonathan, every day, happy with each other, made me realize something –'

'Now Lucy, just because I am going to get married, doesn't mean you have to do the same. You still have so much time and you are so beautiful, you will find someone when the time is right.'

The blonde was confused and turned to look at Mina, trying to figure out how she came to that conclusion from her words. The only thing she saw was Mina smiling encouragingly at her, clearly hoping she said the right words and made Lucy's struggles go away.

'No, Mina. This is not what I was trying to say. I came to a different conclusion and now I can't hold this secret in anymore, for fear of going insane.'

Lucy paused, looking up to see the confusion she felt just moments ago written all over Mina's beautiful face. She quickly averted her gaze, went back to her pacing and took one final breath before she went on.

'I love you.'

There. She said it. Hasty and not romantic at all, but she finally got it out of her system. She still looked anywhere than Mina's face, but the light laughter coming from her best friend made her look up.

'Yes, silly, I know that. And I love you. That is no secret.'

Lucy's heart sank. Of course Mina wouldn't think anything but platonic feelings behind these words. It frustrated her. Why was the brunette making it just that much harder for her?

'No, no. You don't understand. Mina, I, I … I love you! I love you like I should love a man, like Jonathan loves you. No! I love you even more than he ever will love you. The first moment I saw you I was intrigued and captivated by you and all I wanted was to be your friend. But it was more than that. Somewhere along the way, I started to develop feelings for you, more than just friendly ones. Slowly, I started to notice all the small things. How your eyes sparkle when you speak passionately about something. How you unconsciously tap your fingers when you are nervous. The face you make when you want to be let alone but are too polite to say it out loud. But your smile is what I love the most. I always want to be the one who makes you laugh like this, open and freely, not holding it back. I know you will never return my feelings, but I could no longer keep it all inside me. I am in love with you, Mina. I have always been, but only realized it now.'

And before she could think twice about it and before Mina could even react, Lucy took a step forward, took Mina's face in her hands and leaned in. She pressed her lips against Mina's, softly and with care, enjoying the feeling of warmth that spread through her entire body. Her heart was beating rapidly and she felt a tingling sensation under her skin.

But the moment didn't last long, because all too soon Mina came to her senses and pushed at her shoulders. Lucy stumbled back. The brunette got up from her chair and before Lucy could start to apologize, she felt a stinging sensation on her cheek. It took Lucy some time to comprehend that Mina, her best friend and the kindest soul on this planet, had just slapped her. Her skin was still burning and she put her own hand against it, looking wide-eyed at the woman across from her. Mina looked just as shocked as Lucy felt and for a moment she looked like she might apologize, but quickly recovered and her shocked expression made place for an angry one.

'What was that? You have absolutely no right to just spring this on me and expecting me to react any different. Whatever made you think I would be into this sort of … thing? I am engaged to be married, Lucy. To a man! And you have been holding this back for how long now? Has this all been just a game to you? Some entertainment? Has our whole friendship been a pretense? I can't … I need some air.'

She didn't even let her speak again. As soon as these words left her mouth, she walked around Lucy and left the room, not looking back. Tears were starting to fall before the door closed shut and the blonde sank to her knees, a heartbroken and sobbing mess.

The sun was shining and no cloud could be seen. It was a lovely day, especially considering the season, but Lucy didn't notice any of it. She was hurrying down the street, head held high as usual, even though she was a mess inside. It has been six days. Six days since she last saw Mina, since she confessed her love to her best friend and was turned down in the worst way imaginable. Since then, the blonde hasn't been out much, only going when her mother made her. Most of the time, she stayed in her room, silently crying and thinking about happier times. Of course Mina didn't come back to say that this was all a terrible mistake on her side, that she was just too shocked at the moment of her confession and that she deeply regrets her actions. Sometimes Lucy imagines it, thinking about all the ways they could still be happy together. She knew it wasn't healthy for her but she did it anyways. It was better than dealing with reality.

But now her mother once again sent her out, making Lucy leave the safety her bed and her room. She sighed. How she wished she could still lay there, under her covers. Leaving this behind made her face the harsh reality, made everything that happened real and now she had to face the consequences. The only person that ever really mattered to her had broken her heart. Ripped it out of her chest and stomped all over it.

Lucy sighed again. She knew she was being a tad dramatic, but who could blame her? All she wanted right now was to be alone again, not feeling the pain. Alas, she couldn't have that, instead she was walking down these streets, trying her best to look like nothing was wrong.

There was a person standing in her way but the blonde was too deep in thought to notice until she walked straight into them. Losing her balance, she surely would have fallen if it weren't for the strong hands holding her around her waist to prevent her from falling. Dazed, Lucy looked up, but before she saw her saviors face, the hands still holding her suddenly were gone and a surprised 'Lucy?' was uttered.

At this said woman looked up and saw the beautiful face of her best friend. For a moment, she forgot what had happened between them, just gazing into these familiar grey eyes again. But it all came crashing down on her when she saw Mina's features change from surprise to apprehension. She almost missed how she took a step back to put some distance between them. Almost. The brunette didn't even need so say anything, the message was loud and clear.

Trying to regain her senses and putting up a brave façade again was harder than Lucy imagined. She gathered every ounce of strength and willpower she had left, to utter a quick thank you, so she could flee the situation as soon as possible.

'Thank you. For saving me. I mean, preventing me from falling. Have a nice day.'

She nodded and threw in a clearly fake, happy smile for good measure, but was sure Mina could see right through her. Sidestepping the brunette, she looked at her one last time, then walked away, not daring to look back. She could have sworn, though, that she felt Mina's eyes on her until she was swallowed by the crowd.

Once again Lucy found herself locked in her room, lying on her bed and crying, thinking of Mina and the look on her face when she realized who ran into her.

Of course, out of all the people she could have met on her way, it had to be the one person she dreaded to see. But that was only half true, because in the end she really missed the brunette and wanted to see her again.

A small knock on her day interrupted her thoughts.

'I don't wish to see anyone, I already told you. Go away and leave me alone.'

'A letter arrived for you, Miss. Do you wish to read it now, or shall I come back in the morning?'

How extraordinary, a letter at this time of the day. Her curiosity was awakened.

'Can you slip it into my room under the door?'

'Of course, Miss.' She heard a rustle and then the sound of paper scratching on the ground, until she saw a thick envelope coming into view.

'Is there anything else you need, Miss?'

'No, that is all, thank you Marcia.'

She waited until she was sure that her housemaid was gone, then got off the bed to get the envelope. It looked like nothing special, but when she saw the neat handwriting of Mina on the back, addressing the letter to her, she got excited. This must be a good sign, why would Mina send her anything bad when she already said all the possible bad things to her in person?

Carefully, she opened the envelope and extracted the letter from the inside. She unfolded the pages and instantly began to read.

'My dearest Lucy,

I can't begin to tell you how very sorry I feel for everything that has happened between us. I apologize with all my heart for the way I reacted and the words I said. There is no excuse for my behavior and I hope that someday, you will be able to accept my apology. Seeing you today on the street, seeing your sadness and hurt with my own eyes, made me feel that much worse.

I hurt you in the worst way possible and that is something I swore I'd never do to you. I regretted what happened as soon as it happened and all I wanted to do was go back into the room and apologize and hold you close.

Now you may wonder why, when I felt like this the whole time, I haven't been to see you. To put it simply, I was not in a state that I could visit anyone, least of all you. And to be honest, I thought that after what I did, you'd never want to see me again.

You are so brave, Lucy, the bravest and most beautiful person I have ever met. Beautiful in so many ways. I envied you at first, when you were the one who got all the attention from the men around you. But I also envied you whenever you put up a brave façade even though you were sad, when you dared to do forbidden things while I only was the bystander. When you spoke out loud what you were thinking, when you didn't want to be a 'proper' lady anymore. I learned so much from you, my love.

Then I started to realize that I wasn't envious of you for all the attention you got, but of all the men that got your attention. I realized that I wanted your attention, all of it. Call me selfish. But all I ever wanted was your eyes on me, looking at me the way you looked at all these men.

You never did, though, and I lost hope that you ever would. I started putting my attention away from you and towards Jonathan, who was kind and sweet. You didn't like him from the moment you met him, which gave me hope again, against all rational reasons. But you still never said anything, and once again I lost hope. It hurt too much and I could hardly handle it, being around you and not being near enough. I swore I never let my hopes up again and tried to only see you as my best friend.

It worked. Jonathan was a good distraction and I didn't think about you in this way like I used to. When Jonathan hurt me by undermining my dreams, my resolve broke once again. You took me out, and everything was warm and hazy and I felt you everywhere on my skin. You were so near, but not near enough. I almost kissed you that night, almost gave in to my desires. I had to get out of the situation so I got up to clear my head. I couldn't destroy our friendship because I couldn't hold back.

When I woke up the next morning, again having you so near, but not near enough, I decided that I had to do something. So, as soon as Jonathan showed up to apologize, I proposed to him and he accepted and it would have been something I could have lived with.

But then you swept in, declaring your love for me. I thought surely I must be dreaming, this could not be real. Never would I have imagined that all this time you suffered just as much as I did, even more so. It felt too good to be true and that is where I got scared that maybe you were only playing a trick on me. That you found out how I truly felt and were punishing me, about to laugh at me for being as ridiculous as to believe even for a second you would love me like this.

There is still no excuse for my reaction after you kissed me. I regretted it as soon as it happened. I wish I could take it all back, but I know I cannot.

I know I made a grave mistake. I can only hope that it is not too late for this and that you do not hate me.

I had to get this out of my system, I had to try to make you see things from my point of view. I won't be bothering you anymore, if that is what you want. Just send the word.

Yours, forever.

Mina'

Lucy sat there for a while, staring at the wall opposite her, Mina's letter clutched in her hands and the tears were falling down her cheeks and onto the paper, smudging some of the ink. She could not believe what she just read and she wasn't sure what she felt in that moment. All she knew was that she needed to see the brunette right now. The time didn't matter, she needed to know the truth from Mina.

She made her way downstairs, letter still clutched tightly in her hand, getting a servant to get the carriage ready. On her way to Mina's she reread the letter, over and over again, until the carriage stopped. In a matter of seconds she stood on Mina's doorstep, knocking violently on the door until someone opened it. Without even looking she went inside, then stopped in the middle of the room to slowly turn around.

Mina stood with her back to the door, looking surprised and nervous at the blonde. Lucy took her in, her hair that stood up slightly on the side, surely from lying down, her grey eyes that looked intently but nervous at her, her hands, that fiddled with the material of her nightgown and the way her fingers slightly tapped against it. The sight took her breath away and all the words she wanted to say left her. The only thing she could bring out was a softly whispered 'Mina'.

'Lucy,' was the brunette's equally tentative whisper and both women just stood in the room, looking at each other in silence, taking the other in. Mina's face was full of guilt and regret, but also a slight sliver of hope. Her eyes bore into Lucy's, trying to find the reason for her late night visit. When she saw the letter the blonde was still holding, her heart sank before starting to beat rapidly. She looked back at Lucy's face and only saw love shining at her.

Tentatively, she took some steps forward until just a few inches remained between them. They still looked deeply into each other's eyes, conveying so much more than any words could have done in this moment. Mina slowly lifted her right hand and rested it against Lucy's cheek. The blonde leaned into the contact and put her own hand over Mina's.

Lucy closed her eyes, quietly sighing. Mina leaned in to close the distance between them and when their lips touched once again, she, too, closed her eyes. Everything was perfect, Lucy felt her blood rushing through her body, her heart racing and her fingertips tingling. She had never felt so alive before. The kiss was just as careful and soft as the first one they shared, but this time there was an understanding between them. Their love for each other was finally out and there was nothing holding them back this time.

It didn't last long and they both simultaneously pulled back, only to rest their foreheads against each other, remaining close. Lucy opened her eyes to look at Mina and saw her eyes shine with unshed tears, tears of relief, happiness and love. There was only one thing that came to her mind.

'I love you.'

Mina smiled, brightly and happy and put her arms around Lucy's neck, hugging her close to her body.

'I love you, too, my love.'