The Cases of Emmett Pummeling Rosalie-Admirers

Hello, peoples. I have started a new story, but I haven't finished High School for the Cullens yet, I'm just waiting for more plot bunnies. Anyhow, this is yet another comedy, though I may try my hand at a non-comedy one sometime. In some parts of the story, Jasper and Alice may not have met the Cullens yet, and some may not have Bella. Anyways, onto the story!

The Volterra Incident

Third Person POV

2:34 PM July 8, 1940, Volterra, Italy

"Carlisle, why are we in Italy again?" Edward asked as he, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett walked in the streets of Volterra. It was a heavily cloudy day, so they didn't have to worry about the sun for now.

"We are meeting up with my friends, Aro, Caius, and Marcus," Carlisle replied. "They're the leaders of the Volturi, which is the biggest coven of vampires to exist." They were nearing a clock tower now. "Someone should be here to meet us."

"Indeed there is. Carlisle Cullen, we haven't seen you in a while." Two figures came out of the shadows.

"Demetri, Felix, nice to see you again. This is my wife, Esme, my sons, Edward and Emmett, and my daughter, Rosalie."

Demetri nodded. "It's nice to see you have such a big coven now. Last time I saw you, you were all alone."

Felix was staring at Rosalie. He bowed, took her hand, and kissed it. "It is most wonderful to meet you, bella signora."

Rosalie nodded her head curtly and took Emmett's hand before he killed one of the Volturi's most valuable guards.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Should we get going?"

Demetri nodded again. "Yes, we should." As they moved into the alley, he cuffed Felix's ear.

"Ow," Felix muttered as he trudged after the tracker.

Edward nudged Emmett, pointed at Rosalie, and then at Felix. That was their signal for whenever Edward sensed someone Emmett should keep an eye on if they had excess thoughts on Rosalie. Emmett pulled Rosalie closer as they all disappeared into the darkness.

2:41 PM, July 8, 1940, Volturi Castle, Volterra, Italy

"Carlisle, it's wonderful to see you," Aro said as he raised his arms in welcome. Carlisle smiled in return.

"Aro, pleased to see you again. How are things going around here?"

"Oh, just the usual, this and that, you know." Aro waved his hand carelessly. "Now, you must tell me all about your new coven!"

"This is my family." Aro raised his eyebrows at "family". "Esme, my wife, Edward and Emmett, my sons, and my daughter, Emmett's wife, Rosalie."

Aro grinned broadly. "You have a beautiful family." He approached Edward, hand outstretched. "Edward, nice to meet you."

Edward frowned slightly as he heard Aro's thoughts and shook his hand. Aro held on for a few seconds before letting go. "That was very interesting. A mind reader, like me. It was quite fascinating seeing my own thoughts in your thoughts in my thoughts in your thoughts in my thoughts in – well, you get the idea. So you can read many people's thoughts at the same time at a distance?"

Edward nodded. "But I can only hear what they're currently thinking, unlike you who can read any thought that has ever crossed their mind."

Aro just smiled and moved on. "Esme, I must say, Carlisle has found a lovely mate."

Esme smiled as Aro took her hand and kissed it. "Thank you. You have a very large home."

Aro nodded. "Yes, it's rather dark, but Caius insists on the scary effect."

Caius frowned as he sat back in his throne. "Well, it's better than yellow."

"But yellow is such a cheerful color – um, I mean, moving on." Aro moved on to Emmett. "Emmett, I'd say you were a newborn with your strength, but your eyes are already gold."

Emmett grinned broadly. "Thank you. But it's nothing compared to when I was a newborn."

Aro smiled as he saw the memories while Emmett thought them. "Yes, that must have been a real sensation." He drifted off to Rosalie.

"Rosalie, I have to admit, I have never seen a vampire with as much beauty as you, and Heidi is rather fetching."

Rosalie gave a small smile. "Thanks."

Aro beamed and stood back. "Oh, I forgot, those of you who don't know, this is Caius and Marcus. That's Jane and Alec. You've met Demetri and Felix already."

Felix smiled at Rosalie. Emmett growled and wrapped his arm around her waist.

Aro frowned slightly. "Felix, please respect the Cullens' mates."

Felix frowned and stood back in the shadows, sulking. Emmett smirked triumphantly.

"So, Carlisle, how long will you be here?" Aro asked.

"I'm on leave from work for two weeks, so I'd say that's the time we'll be here."

Aro beamed again. "Excellent! Vitalia will show you to your rooms." (AN: Gianna isn't alive yet, so this is another human secretary, "Vitalia" means of life; vital)

8:07 AM July 9, 1940, Volturi Castle, Volterra, Italy

"But Aro, I really think you should go to check this out."

"Relax, Carlisle, it can't get that bad."

"The only way to know for sure is to have a seer, which you don't."

"Adolf Hitler is Germany's problem. He's just another ambitious, power-hungry, in-over-his-head human. We're in Italy. It's not like Mussolini's just going to go and join him."

"I really hope you know what you're doing."

"If it makes you feel better, on the highly unlikely chance I'm wrong, I shall do whatever it takes to get a seer to prevent further mistakes like this."

Carlisle sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Very well."

Aro chuckled. "It's not like my decision is going to cause World War II."

Emmett barged into the room then, with Edward and Rosalie trailing behind. "Carlisle, we need to go hunting soon."

Aro waved his hand. "Don't worry, there's a new shipment coming in a few hours."

Emmett looked at him curiously. "Do you have any bears?"

Aro looked back at Emmett just as curiously. "No, but if you'd like, we could get Max Baer on an impromptu trip from America to Italy." (AN: I got this from the movie Cinderella Man, Max Baer was actually a real person, he was a boxer, albeit an egotistic, conceited one, during the Great Depression, and there was a "dancing Baer {bear}" joke used)

Emmett shook his head. "No, I'm talking about grizzly bears."

"Ah, no, sorry, we only have humans. It's Heidi's job."

"Is there a hunting ground for animals we can use?" Carlisle asked.

"Hmm…well, I believe there's a place not too far off from the city, though I don't know if it's still there. It has been a couple hundred years, and the humans are just cutting down trees everywhere. But it's not like that's going to start some sort of chain of events that leads to the polar ice caps melting."

7:56 PM July 9, 1940, Volturi Castle, Volterra, Italy

Emmett looked triumphant as the Cullens all returned from their hunting trip, eyes nice and gold. "In your face, Eddie-boy! I got my bear, even if it might not have been grizzly. Did you get your lion! No you didn't. No, you didn't!"

Edward scowled. "Don't call me that. And lions aren't native to Italy, really. But I did get some wolf and deer."

Rosalie suddenly groaned and ducked behind Emmett and Edward, pushing the two in front of her. "Hide me."

"Rosalie, caro, why are you hiding?" Felix strutted over until he stood right under the giant chandelier, to give Rosalie the best view of him. Emmett growled.

"Because there is an extremely irritating vampire stalking me all the time," Rosalie muttered.

"Really? I'll help you kill him," he offered. Emmett and Edward stifled their laughter.

"Oh, gee, thanks. He's standing under this huge chandelier right now." Rosalie yanked on Emmett and Edward's arms as they ran off.

Once they were far away enough, they all burst out laughing.

"You should've heard his thoughts," Edward gasped. "He actually thought it was some other vampire stalking Rosalie."

Emmett stopped laughing. "Seriously, can I pummel him?"

"No," Edward said adamantly. "I'd love to help you, but then the rest of the Volturi might tear us all up into miniscule shreds and burn us into our demise in a fiery inferno of scorching hot flames."

Emmett paused. "Wow, that's a lot of big words, Eddie-boy, isn't your brain hurting now?" He started laughing again. Edward growled.

"Shut up."

11:42 AM July 22, 1940, Volturi Castle, Volterra, Italy

"It was nice meeting your cove – family, Carlisle. Edward, are you sure you wouldn't like to stay?" Aro asked hopefully.

"I'm sure. I can't leave my family," Edward politely declined.

Aro shrugged. "Alright, then, I bid you farewell."

Carlisle hesitated. "Aro, the Hitler thing…"

Aro laughed. "It's just nonsense, it'll all blow away in a few months. Next thing you're going to be telling me that Japan's going to bomb that nice island – Hawaii, I think it was called? Anyway, don't worry, Carlisle, this is nothing. And if you're somehow right about this, I won't make you and your lovely family visit again for, say, sixty years or so?"

Carlisle nodded grimly. "Goodbye, Aro. It was nice seeing you."

Aro waved, and then sat back down as the Cullens headed out. Felix and Demetri trailed after them. Felix coughed.

"So, Rosalie, will we be seeing each other again sometime soon?" Emmett frowned.

"No, we'll be staying in North America for the next sixty years," Rosalie said.

Felix frowned. "Are you sure? Don't take everything Aro says seriously."

"I'm sure."

"Well, amore, then I must visit you."

"No."

Felix stared at Emmett. "Says who?"

"Says me."

"Why not?"

"She's my wife."

"Your point?"

"Felix!" Aro called. Vampire hearing was so useful… "Remember what I said the first day!"

Edward tugged Emmett's arm. "Remember the fiery inferno."

"Fine," Emmett sulked. Rosalie took his hand and the Cullens left the castle.

10:25 PM July 22, 1940, Cullen House, Toronto, Canada

"Free!" Emmett cried as he burst into the home (obviously, he was careful not to wreck the door, or he'd face Esme's wrath).

"From what?" Edward asked amusedly.

"That irritating, exasperating, irksome, infuriating, frustrating, grating, nauseating, galling, annoying, maddening, vexing, tiresome, trying, weary, tedious, testing, provoking, wearisome, disgusting, sickening, revolting, repellant, repulsive, upsetting, bothersome, aggravating, troublesome, incommodious vampire."

Edward stared. "Wow, that's a lot of big words, Emmie-boy, isn't your brain hurting now?"

Emmett scowled. "Shut up."

So? How was it? I find that comedies for Twilight are easiest to do with Emmett starring in them, but that's just me. Some of the Italian translations: bella signora = beautiful lady; caro = dear; amore = love. Oh, and if the World War II stuff offended somebody, sorry…Should I do the stories in order or just in any random order? Hmm…I think this time, instead of listing all reviewers, alerts, and favorites, I'm just listing reviewers at the beginning of the chapters. Feel free to ask any questions or make suggestions, please! Even if you don't have an account, I can still answer them. If someone gives me an idea, I'll see if I can somehow send them a preview…anyone feel free to teach me before I do something stupid and accidentally delete my story?