I wrote this whilst half asleep and when I was meant to be doing work for university... oops? It's based around the song 'Christmas Lights' by Coldplay; the lyrics reminded me of the Doctor's heartache over how much she's lost over the years. Anyways, enjoy! I'll post part two soon!

The TARDIS had landed for the evening in Sheffield, allowing Yaz to go on her night shift. She'd grumbled the entire time she was getting ready about how it was meant to be snowing, and how dealing with drunk and violent individuals would only ruin her love for the weather. Ryan and Graham had nodded sympathetically, knowing how hard it must be to maintain Christmas spirit. They had left not long after Yaz, telling the Doctor that they'd be back in the morning but just wanted to do some clearing around the house. 'You'll be alright, won't you Doc? After all it's only one night.' Graham had chuckled at that but the smile didn't quite meet his eyes. It was clear he wasn't really looking forward to facing home having seen Grace in Norway barely two weeks ago. Nevertheless, they had gone, leaving the Doctor alone to her own thoughts. At first she'd been having a great time. The TARDIS had needed a couple of upgrades and it was nice working without having to worry about Ryan pressing any buttons or Graham nicking all the custard creams. It wasn't long after that though, that the eerie sense of quiet kicked in.

It had been four hours since she'd spoken to anyone (other than the TARDIS) and the Doctor was already suffering from withdrawal symptoms. This is what you get when you go soft, she chided herself. You get used to having people around and then when they leave you, you don't know what to do with yourself. The thought had most definitely been unwelcome, and the Timelord slumped down on the steps of the console room in that moment of realisation. This, however, only lasted a moment as she picked herself up and decided to go for a walk. 'I just need to clear my head. I'm getting cabin fever,' she mumbled to her ship when a couple of protesting beeps were heard. Patting the console fondly, the Doctor looked at her surroundings. Her beautiful Ghost Monument. 'I'll be back before you can say fish fingers and custard.' Oh, bad choice of words. A pang of guilt and longing hit the woman, but she just shrugged on her coat and went out into the cold Sheffield evening. She was getting claustrophobic inside.

Yaz, as it turns out, had been right about the weather. The Doctor had only been outside for a matter of minutes when something cold and damp floated down onto her nose. She smiled at this, and gazed up at the sky around her in wonder. The flakes lightly fell to the ground and even though some landed in her hair, she couldn't have felt more free. It was the first snow she'd experienced in this new body, and she loved it! The grey haired Scotsman had always avoided snow where possible and many her previous regenerations had despised it. Her tenth body especially, because it reminded him of…

Rose.

Rose. The first person that face had seen. Sweet and loving Rose, who was always so kind and had chased after him no matter where it was they were going. Rose, who had helped him save the world countless times over… Rose, who he had fallen in love with only to have her ripped away all too soon. The Doctor shuddered as she recalled the time they had stood in the snow (well, ash, but it was still romantic) and discussed where they were going to next. This was all too much to bear for the Timelord as she staggered to a bench, which now had a light dusting covering it. That body had been so naive to start, grabbing people by the hand and taking them away with him. You were a fool and had to learn the hard way. Even now you pay for your mistakes. The Doctor didn't even realise that she had her head in her hands until there was a gentle tap on her shoulder. She looked up, half expecting to see her old self there, telling her that she was daft to think she could keep her friends safe.

Instead she saw two young women dressed in hats and scarves, looking down at her with concern. 'Are you alright, love?' the first asked. She was the one with her hand still on the Doctor's shoulder. 'Only you look a bit cold, and miserable. We just wanted to check in on you.' Nodding, the brilliant fake smile she had learnt to perfect appeared on her face. 'I'm as right as rain, thanks. Though, it's snowing so that's not really the right expression…' she trailed off as her new company giggled at her antics. 'As long as you're sure,' the second woman responded before taking her girlfriend (the Doctor was only assuming, but it was pretty obvious) by the hand and continuing their walk through the park. Yet another pang of guilt hit her as she watched the couple leave. They reminded her of Bill of course, and how she'd died so unnecessarily. She been cruelly dragged away and turned into a metal monstrosity… but a metal monstrosity with feeling. She had been so young, without a care in the world before the Doctor had turned up and taken her away from her life of serving chips on a university campus. Too young.

Deciding she had been sat down long enough, the Doctor hauled herself to her feet and began to make her way towards a little corner shop. For once, she actually had some human money with her and thought that maybe she could get a sausage roll to cheer herself up. Or a packet of custard creams… or jelly babies maybe… She had been so lost in her thoughts that she forgot to duck when a stray leaf came crashing into her face. Today was really not her day, and she couldn't help but let out a small sob when she looked down at the offending item. It reminded her Clara. Her impossible girl. Clara had been lovely and innocent, and so willing to accept the world however it came. Clara, who had helped her previous, socially awkward form learn how to feel compassion. She had shown him that love conquered all, teasing him the entire time. It was Clara who sacrificed herself to save a young father, but in the moments before her terrifying death made sure to look after the daft old man who had shown her the stars.

This was all too much. Too much pain, too much guilt; the woman was now beginning to feel claustrophobic outside. Is that even possible?! she mused to herself. She hadn't realised that she'd entered the shop until she was stood at the counter being asked for an ID. She flashed her psychic paper at the owner and paid for the bottle of gin that was handed to her in turn. Only enough to take the edge off the rational part of her head was thinking whilst her heart was telling her otherwise. She wanted to forget everything, and for once not experience the agonising pain every time something reminded her of her previous companions.

The Doctor didn't want to think of Clara every time she saw a leaf, or Bill every time she gazed into the eyes of a certain police officer. She didn't want snow to make her feel claustrophobic, or let the buzzing of wasps in the summer remind her of Donna. Perfume was a no go; it only reminded her of River, and all she had to do was see a red head walking down the street to be tempted to yell out 'come along Ponds!' It was all too much for the Doctor to take, and she just wanted to forget for one moment the war that was raging on in her mind. Let it all go. I just want to be free of them for one moment and not feel guilty every time I catch myself being happy. The poisonous alcohol burnt the back of her throat as she took a swig but she shook it off by pulling a funny face and by drinking another. And another… and another. Before she knew it, she was feeling giddy, and walking in a straight line was no longer an option. The lights that decorated the streets for Christmas glittered above her and she couldn't help but think that they reminded her of stars.

In her drunken state, she had forgotten that wondering around in the dark wasn't always safe. A large hand grasped her arm and tried to drag her from the comforting light of the streets into a darkened alleyway. Her immediate reaction was to yell and make a fuss; hopefully someone would hear. Her second reaction (and one she later regretted) was to smash the bottle she had been holding against the nearest wall and hold it up in a form of defence. That was enough to make the man slowly back away until he was clear of the alley and able to break into a sprint. The adrenalin seeped away, and the Doctor fell onto her knees, not even noticing the cuts on her hands from the broken glass. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, or maybe it was the fact that she had just received a shock, but the Timelord quickly came to the conclusion that all she really wanted right now was a hug.

Not long after collapsing onto the ground, the telltale sound of a police car approached, along with flashing blue lights. It was at this moment that the Doctor remembered that Yaz was on shift. She couldn't be seen drunk by Yaz! The blonde attempted to wiggle onto her feet but only succeeded in falling onto her back. Once again, she was struck by the fuzzy beauty of the Christmas lights that hung above her and stared contently at them until she was rudely hoisted off of the floor by two people. 'So you reckon you know this one, Yaz?' came one voice and the Doctor immediately lifted her head to see her best friend stood in front of her wearing an unimpressed facial expression. She nodded and looked the Timelord up and down before sighing. 'She isn't a danger to anyone, can we drop her off near mine? I'll handle her from there.' a look of confusion passed over her fellow officer, and he went to protest but was cut off. 'Please. She's not a criminal. She just needs to sober up. Right Doctor?' the woman in question could only focus on the beautiful woman in front of her, and the sinking feeling in her stomach that told her she'd done something wrong. As Yaz helped her into the back of the police car, she took one last glance at the lights in the street above her and let a soft smile grace her lips.