She looked down as the city scape below her looked more and more tiny by every step she took. She came to the edge, this city had changed her, deformed her and had even broken her.
"Yeah, Simone, I got it. Yes, I will be at the meeting. No, I have not had a drink, yes, Simone, yes, I will be there tomorrow. Ok, Simone, I got to go, I have... Dinner plans. No! I won't drink. Ok, bye."
She sighed, exasperated, and hung up the phone.
She went to bed. After an hour of restless attempts to sleep, and staring at her canopy, she got up, and went back to the kitchen. She looked at the bottle of vodka on her counter and with all of the willpower she could muster, she took the bottle and chucked in in the trash outside, hearing it shatter at the bottom of the bin. She decided to try Stephan, see if he wanted to come over and bake late night cupcakes.
She went to her room to get her cell. There was a message from him.
"Hey, what's up, Simone is worried about you. Can I come over?"
Of course, Stephan being his normal self, sweet and devoted. He and Simone were the only ones who knew about AA.
She put her phone to her ear and, chewed her nail. It was answered on the first ring.
"Hey cutie, do you mind if I stop over?" He asked, concern in his voice.
"No, not at all, when you come over, wanna make some cupcakes? I just got a new recipe that I'm dying to try out." She bit her lip.
"It's almost 2am, and you want to bake cupcakes?" He sounded bewildered.
"Yes. I want to bake cupcakes."
"Just like any aspiring pastry chef would do. Yeah, ok let's bake cupcakes, but then I want to talk to you, ok?"
That was odd. Stephan was never serious.
"Yeah. Of course. But can you also stay the night? I need a ride to the meeting tomorrow morning."
"Sure, be there in 10 minutes, preheat the oven, and get the ingredients out."
She took the almost empty batter bowl and spoon and sat down cross legged on the couch. Stephan came over and sat opposite her.
"So," she said, licking the spoon " what did you want to talk to me about?"
He reached over and stole the spoon away from her, and licked some of the batter off.
"I know that we said we would..." He trailed off. She had a feeling she knew where this was going.
"Steph-" he cut her off.
"Erin, come on, you can't pretend you don't feel it!" He sounded desperate.
And she did, she did feel it, but with just becoming sober, she didn't know if she could handle a relationship.
"No, I don't, ok? Just drop it, I can't feel it." Her heart pounded and she prayed he didn't hear it.
He must've because after she said it, he leaned in fast, and pushed his lips against hers, a fiery passion burning inside both of them. They fell back onto the couch, the bowl and spoon forgotten. Their breathing getting heavy, Erin went to pull off Stephan's t-shirt. Her hands retreating into his hair, he ripped open her top. She moaned, his warm hands on her back. She opened her eyes and pushed him off.
"I'm really sorry." Was all she could manage to say, she then took off down the hall to her bedroom.
He looked after her, wide eyed and bewildered. He smacked his palm to his forehead and laid down on the couch; he didn't think she wanted him to leave.
When he woke up there was a cupcake and a note on the coffee table in front of him.
'Went for a walk, I'll be back by 10.' He read it in her voice. He looked at his watch. It was 11:30. He got up.
"Erin!" He called. "Erin! You here?"
He heard her voice coming from the bathroom.
"Yeah! I'm here! Just hopping in the shower!"
Her voice was seductive.
"Wanna join me?"
They fell down on the bathroom floor panting, the shower running cold now. He looked over at her and smiled wide, this is what he had dreamed of for a very long time. She looked up at the ceiling taking in deep breaths; she seemed as if she was trying to stop herself from hyperventilating. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Stephen's smiling face. She had wanted this too. How come she felt so guilty about it?
He reached passed her and shut off the shower then got up and wrapped a towel around his mid section. He stretched out his had to her, she grabbed it and pulled herself up.
"Stephan, I have a meeting today..." She trailed off forgetting her point.
"Yeah, I know, you told me last night. When is it?"
"2" she replied, biting her nails and looking at her wriggling toes. He put his arms on her shoulders and rubbed them, goose flesh appearing when he took them off.
"Ok, well it's one now, why don't we get dressed?"
"Yeah, ok," she started towards her room, naked and shivering.
"I'm going to get some fresh clothes from my apartment" he stated, his voice upbeat and happy. She said nothing to Stephan, just turned around and smiled, waving with wiggling fingers. She heard the door slam. She broke down. She cried and she screamed, yelling at the universe. This was how she felt when her dad died, when her mom left, when her aunt, the only person she had left, let her uncle beat her. This was how she felt in every foster home she had ever been in. This was how she felt when her entire world came crashing down. She fumed and blamed herself, she threw on clothes and tore threw her house. Looking in every nook and cranny she used to use to store her booze. She found one. One bottle. Under the stairs to the attic. She opened the dusty bottle and smelled the stiff smell of the gin. She drew a sour face and swigged. She felt her throat burn as she took another drink. And another. And another. Her cheeks burned with the mix of tears and humiliation. Ten minutes past and half the bottle was finished. She felt lightheaded and loved the feeling of not feeling. She heard the knob turn from the front of the apartment. She quickly screwed the cap back on the drink and hid it where she found it. She ran to the bathroom and washed her face, she tried to look in the mirror and convince herself she was okay.