Berserk Mode - An EVA story

A/N: This story takes place during End of Evangelion. The original series timeline.

I stood at the end of the world, and it was peaceful. It was, in fact, beautiful.

All around me was the applause and recognition that I had ever desired.

"Congratulations."

I, actually, didn't even know what they were talking about.

I had only decided that I didn't want Rei to make the world into my dream.

I just… still didn't want to inconvenience anyone. But I really wanted the past.

You idiot.

"Asuka? Asuka?!"

It was her. My Asuka. I could tell by the small derision in her tone.

You don't understand anything.

Do you even know what they're praising you for? You didn't make the 'right' decision. You just made 'a' decision. That's all you did. It's pathetic.

"Asuka… come out. I can't… I can't see you."

Do you really think they're them? They're not them. It's all just a sock-puppet play for you.

Those people don't exist here anymore.

Especially your father.

He only wanted to not exist, in the same place as his wife.

It's just wonder girl.

Everything, was always, always, wonder girl.

"Asuka? I can't see you! You're not like them right? You're still real?"

I'm not fusing with these idiots. Besides, I would never be one with you.

Too young. Too hopeful. Too needy. Too weak.

Way too kind.

When you leave, I'll think about it.

"I want to fix that." I whispered. "That's why I want the old world back."

Dummkopf.

You still understand nothing. You have no idea at all what you're asking her for. Even if you think wonder girl's a god, and even if she were, it's not like she's that God. She's a god. There are things out of god's reach.

But I can't explain it to you.

Quantum Physics is way above your grade level.

"Asuka!"

Wherever you go, and whatever Asuka she sock-puppets in, don't do me any favors. I'm cutting all ties with you here.

Later, Third Child.

"Asuka! Come with me! Asuka!"

I reached out to the darkness of the abyss.

Nothing met me there.

The next thing I knew, I was back in the old world.

I took a deep breath, and the air tasted aweful. Just terrible.

There had been no need to breathe at the end of the world, and I hadn't noticed it. But this awful air made me so happy.

Asuka. She didn't understand.

She never understood anything.

It was at this time when I was just taking in my surroundings, in mere moments, when a searing pain struck me between the eyes.

I, who had been hurt more than anyone else, had only felt this pain once before. This was enough to drive one insane. Enough to…

It struck again. It hurt so much, and was so familiar, that I reached out on reflex for the control terminals.

I was not myself. I was really mad.

Asuka had rejected me, again. She never understood me, even though I loved and admired her.

Well, maybe she did. And that was what was worse. Because she never accepted me.

I know I hadn't accomplished anything. I know I had a lot to fix.

But that's why I wanted to go back.

If she would just believe in me. If someone, anyone, would just believe in me!

Damnit!

Damnit!

The pain was still there, and I couldn't bear it. It was excruciating, and it was too, too familiar.

I looked to the screen. That half-solid, topaque like visual screen showed in a flickering manner, a familiar face.

It was Sachiel. The first angel I fought.

No, I had just killed them all. All that pain and loss.

But then I realized, that going back meant exactly that. I had to do it all over again. Asuka had to lose her mind, and Rei had to sacrifice herself, twice.

I screamed when I realized this.

"Will you just leave us alone?!" I screamed. The engines of unit 01, whatever the hell they were, roared to life. I screamed. I think it screamed with me.

Together, we fell into a crouch, and then leapt, in a blood-rage. I fell on it, but wasn't getting anywhere.

Damnit, fine!

I leapt off again, but had gone too far.

Whatever. Whatever.

Just die!

I dashed at him and tried to rip through his AT field with my bare hands. My left arm was broken, I found.

After all this, my arm was broken. That wasn't even funny. I was so hateful towards it, and I demanded it fix itself.

Finally, someone listened to me, even if it was just my arm.

I flexed the arm that healed quickly, and rammed once again into the Angel's AT field. Somewhere in there, Sachiel shot out once more.

Yet, I had seen that monster so many times in my dreams, I could notice it's firing sequence easily.

It did nothing to me, and I grabbed both it's arms. I kicked it away, which incidentally ripped it's arms free.

So I jumped on it again, and tried to deploy my progressive knife.

The screen displayed that there was no such knife. Well, of course.

Nothing worked out for me.

I was already so mad, this just made me madder.

But I used what was at hand. I, in my rage, ripped off this creature's own bones and hammered into it like a caveman.

Hahaha, I didn't care if it was inelegant!

It felt good. I poured out all my frustration, anger, and loneliness while screaming "Die!"

The next thing I knew, it was over. The angel self-destructed, which I recall hearing it had done in the original time.

For my part, I stood unfazed. The AT field was fully capable of sustaining nuclear level blasts.

I sat back like this, and sighed. The anger and madness of combat drained from me, but I kept thinking about Asuka, Rei, and my father.

I… I had to show them.

I had to fix it.

I sighed, thinking of the battles to come.

I could have sworn I heard someone laughing, somewhere.

But it was so faint and distant, I guess it was just one of those echoes in the mind which everyone has.

Like this, I reached over for the control terminals to take Unit 01 back to base.

Non-responsive.

Then I pulled the Entry Plug Eject switch.

Non-responsive.

The Emergency Eject lever was the same. Non-responsive.

I remembered this. The Eva shut down.

How, why, and in what ways it shut down were always completely random and inconvenient.

One of those days…

It was then, where I heard static from the communications window.

"Ritsuko! What the hell was that!"

"I don't-"

"Don't tell me you don't fucking know! You made the fucking thing! The Eva just flipped out!"

"Misato, much is still not known-"

"Fuck you! I want the truth Ritsuko, or I'll shoot you myself!"

"Get used to it, Misato! It's in your contract! This is experimental, dark-box technology, and you will fucking deal with it! It went berserk. We have no control over that!"

"Berserk? What the hell is that?!"

I tried to interject multiple times, but they seemed to just talk over me.

"It wasn't berserk, it was me." I explained. "Misato-san? Hello? Would someone listen to me?!"

They kept talking. It was as if I had said nothing.

"Stop ignoring me!"

I repeated this phrase several times while hammering on the command screen.

It was, ah, non-responsive.

"Rei?" I asked, in fear. "Asuka? Rei?"

I thought maybe I could hear that laughter again.

I thought maybe I could see rei in a white sundress and hat standing impossibly atop a building and observing.

And I realized, even though Asuka thought it was above my grade level, what the problem was. I could piece things together when I wanted to. I wasn't a collage grad, but I kept par with my age group despite the worst home education.

I did slowly, and painfully, as if a cold and bony hand raked over my chest, realized it.

I was Unit 01's mysterious berserk mode. I had always been Unit 01's berserk mode. I would be Unit 01's berserk mode for the future instances of it, and then somehow I would be no more.

And I realized that this was how it had always been, from the first. There had never, and would never be, any mysterious 'Berserk Mode'. It was just me.

Because I couldn't change the past.

And if Rei was a god, then Rei couldn't change the past either. Even a god has things they can't do.

They can't change the events that made them a god.

And oh…

Oh…

I screamed.

Agony, and more madness than ever.

Did I ever scream.

And then I laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

A/N: This was an idea I had, that wouldn't leave me alone.

Loosely inspired by an old one shot, who's name I cannot at this time recall, about Berserk Mode being an angry Shinji and how Anger was what was necessary to kill the Angels because that was all they understood or something. Honestly, I read it when I was 10. Like 16 years ago. If someone can give me a link, I'll credit it properly.

I also thought this would be a fun intro into a time travel series. I think that stopping here might fit the theme better though.

If this became a series, it would be a regular time travel thing featuring messed up Shinji things.

I'll do it if there's a lot of demand for it to become a series, but I don't think there's a lot of demand on EVA lately. I just wrote because I couldn't get this out of my head. Lately I just write when I get enough reader support. People say to write fore yourself, but I'm pretty much past that point. I have the same fun no matter what I do. Now I just give back. The one thing I want to do for myself, is to remake 'The Laundromat' but at this time, I don't know if I'm up for such a large undertaking.