What the hell am I doing?

The thought just comes to her one day while she's uploading a video onto myspace. Rachel obviously wasn't talking about the video but about Finn. What the hell was she thinking? Why does she keep letting this happen? He has beat her down so many times, not physically, of course, but it still broke her. It hurts her to think of some of things he's said to her. Especially lately, specifically the party.

She had always prided herself on being strong. Independent. Fearless. But when it came to the tall quarterback? Rachel lost everything great about her. She questioned herself, wondering if it would please him. She depended on him for the slightest of compliments, knowing that if they didn't come then it would break her. It's like she had lost herself. Who was she now?

Mercedes had mentioned she acted crazier now, like she was grasping for control that just slipped through her fingers every time. She was frazzled and demanding, hoping all the time that she had power over something, be it glee club, or friends, or her own body.

The problem was now she knew that she had a problem. It was almost as if she was addicted to Finn, like he was a substance or something. The small brunette craved his presence all the time. She never wanted space, even though she knew she should. She had space with Jesse and even Noah during their week long fling. Rachel had always kept time for herself. But now? Being alone made her fidget with things and she couldn't handle the silence. That's how she usually ended up talking to Finn on the phone. Music couldn't even calm her at times.

She needed help. But who? Who would understand this feeling? Like they can't let go, like they have to stay and lie to themselves with each moment. She could only think of one person who fit the bill but she didn't know how they would respond to her talking to them. Rachel wasn't exactly sure what terms they were on as of late.

But she needed this. She needed support and this person seemed like the only possibility. So she made herself a promise. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she will talk to them, if they're willing. If they weren't then she'd deal with that then but now she just need the hope.

The small girl prayed it would help.

/

Rachel was in the auditorium the next day for glee. Mr Schue wanted to take this a little easy for the moment and let them have a somewhat free day. The majority of the club were just on the stage, talking and dancing, being teenagers.

Except for two.

"Hi Sam," Rachel greeted meekly, sitting next to the fake blond.

"Hey Rachel," he smiled back slightly, his face friendly. She took this as a good sign.

"Why aren't you up there with the rest of them?" she questioned as she watching Santana and Brittany show off their 'moves' as her classmates call them.

"Just a little tired," he offered. "What about you? I thought you love this sort of thing."

"That's very true but I just wanted to ask you something," she told him shyly. He looked at her curiously, urging her to continue. "How'd you get the strength to break away from Quinn?" her voice was quiet, almost embarrassed. She thought Sam would start laughing at her but instead she heard a loud sigh.

"Honestly?" he asked, looking a little embarrassed himself, while Rachel nodded at him. "Santana," he stated simply. She looked at him with morbid curiosity and he understood the question there. "She showed me I didn't really deserve what Quinn was dishing out. I mean, she cheated on me," he stressed. "With the guy that broke up with you and her for cheating. It was just this messed up circle that I didn't deserve. Santana showed me that. She may be a bitch but she's not a liar."

"You're really lucky then to have her," Rachel told him quietly, looking straight at the stage but not really seeing anything. She was pulled out of her thoughts quickly when Sam bowed his head forward slightly, trying to see her face and get her attention.

"You don't deserve it either Rachel," he sounded like he was talking to a small child, like maybe she didn't understand. She didn't really, understand that is. If she didn't deserve Finn then what did she deserve? "He's hurt you a lot of times, not to count how many times he's hurt Quinn. He even broke Santana a couple times as crazy as that is. You're a good person Rachel, people just have to look hard to see it." Rachel began to tear up slightly at the boy's overly sweet words.

"I just don't know how to stop," she whimpered, hoping that by her showing him this that she wouldn't regret it. She didn't. Sam nodded his head in understanding thinking over what to say next.

"Do you feel anxious when you don't see him? I'm not talking about just missing him, I mean do you feel like you're skin doesn't sit right, like you're in the wrong spot?" She nodded. "Do you seem to be another person when you're around him, like you're not in the right brain?" Again she nodded. "Rachel, those are the signs when someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol. They can't think of anything else, getting a high when they're around it. They don't have control over anything anymore."

"So what do I do?" she asked warily, watching Finn leave the stage, probably to go to the bathroom.

"Distance yourself," he sighed, knowing how hard this was going to be for her. Sam heard about how she'd had a thing for Finn for the past year and a half. He'd only been with Quinn a couple months and it was hard. "Don't let yourself by him if you don't have to. Make excuses, be honest, whatever. Just get away."

"How am I going to do that?" her voice sounded scared. Evidence of Finn was everywhere. School, glee, her own room. How could she possibly get away?

"Well," he thought for a moment. "You have us," he told her, looking towards that stage, knowing they'd all be willing to help with this one. "If you want us to, we won't let you fall. But in case you do, we can be there to help you up without too much damage." Sam smiled gently at her.

Rachel stared at her friends on the stage, occasionally seeing one glance over, see her looking and smile and then look away, only to have it happen again with someone else.

That was her family on that stage. Suddenly her goal didn't seem as scary anymore.