Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, and I'm gaining nothing from writing this other than my own personal amusement. This story is not meant in any way to be taken seriously.

Chapter One: Lost in a Forest

Rukia and Ichigo walked down a street. It was a nice street, with little bushes and other various plant life, including brightly-colored flowers and a hummingbird feeder on a post.

They were having a nice discussion about cantaloupes when they saw Renji's red hair sticking out of a bush.

"Rukia?" Ichigo asked.

"Hm?" Rukia responded.

"Why is there a red thing sticking out of that bush?" Ichigo asked.

"Actually, I think that's Renji's hair."

Renji's hair twitched at this statement, then moved entirely as Renji jumped out of the bushes and ran towards the conveniently located nearby forest, screaming like a little girl. Rukia and Ichigo stood there for a moment, blinking and wondering what had happened.

"You think we should go after him?"

"Eh, probably."

Three hours later, a Siberian tiger trap, a cantaloupe road block, several yogurt cups, and a Swiffer duster later, Rukia, Ichigo, and Renji sat among the trees, panting. Ichigo glared at Renji. Renji looked away.

Rukia coughed. "Well, I don't think any of us expected the flesh-eating butterflies or the giant rolling cantaloupe, but, um, Renji, is there something wrong?"

"Er, where are we? I think I hit my head on something back there…"

Ichigo snorted. "Your head? How did you hit your head back there? You were kind of running the entire time."

"Um... A rock?"

"A rock? What rock? Are you sure it was a rock?"

"Well, I sure know what it wasn't."

"What wasn't it?"

"Not a rock."

"WHA—"

"Where are we?"

"Where are we? We followed you! What's your problem? You were hiding—not very well, by the way—in a bush, and then you ran away screaming when Rukia saw you? And then you get rocks confused with… NOT ROCKS! Ha! What's your problem, eh?" Ichigo shouted.

"I know rocks are rocks! It's you that's confused! It's you that has problems, yelling at me while I'm emotionally distraught! You're sick—"

"WHAT!"

It went on like this for a while with Rukia standing nearby looking extremely frustrated. She listened to them yell about pretzels and Seabiscuit and lawnmowers and more rocks, but when they got to standing face to face, screaming, "Your mom!" at each other, Rukia decided that she'd had enough.

"Enough!" she yelled as she beat them both in the head with a cheese puff superglued to a giant hammer. She then tied them to nearby trees and drew Chappy the rabbit on their faces.

"The hell, Rukia?" they both demanded.

Rukia threw her purple Sharpie at Ichigo, so that it bounced off his face and hit Renji. She stomped away and sat on a nearby tree stump.

"What," she said, "are your problems?"

Ichigo and Renji shriveled under her fierce glare.

"Eh… He's being a mopey dumbass?" Ichigo said.

"Renji?" Rukia prompted.

He looked away, sniffling.

"Renji?"

"Ah… well… you see…"

"Yes?"

"Er… your brother…"

"What is it?"

"Your brother… Your brother broke up with me!" Renji burst into pathetic tears.

"Ah… that…" Rukia muttered.

Ichigo was confused. "What the HELL?"