Okay, so I have this thing about redoing prompts. I never do that. Once it's submitted, I never redo it. This actually was written before Airport Conversation, but being the insecure person that I am, this has never seen the light of day until now when I was digging through my Documents folder. Uh. Stay cool and all that, people. o/
Never Was
Even though Tsuna has never said that she was hers, even though Yamamoto should not feel guilty, he does. Even if Tsuna did not openly claim Haru has belonging to him, it is something a Guardian, so close to the Don, should be well aware of.
Yamamoto feels guilty, however, even though every strand of evidence proves that he has no reason to ever be.
"We're here so we can protect things." Tsuna told him the day after that meeting.
The meeting where Yamamoto had to give up everything, his Vongola ring, his box weapons, how he fought with Shigure Kintoki – what hurt most was giving up Jirou and Kojirou.
"To do that, we have to sacrifice."
There had been a strangely bitter emotion, but even conflicted, Yamamoto accepted what Tsuna's decision was.
(He'd made the last few remaining hours in Jirou's company and Kojirou's presence, trying to remember, trying to tell himself that it was enough that he remembered it. But it was like lying to himself about Oyaji, and Yamamoto fell distant from Tsuna even more.)
"Help me protect them, Yamamoto. I can't do it myself." Tsuna looked off, as though seeing something that wasn't there. "Right now, I need you all more than ever."
They were probably the last things Tsuna had ever said to him, and now there is no chance of the man waking up again.
So why is he so conflicted? There is no reason for being conflicted over this specific thing, when he could be worrying, broken.
Ah, but, if he stops, he can already feel it, how his heart beats and how his blood runs cold in his body.
Everyone else has already seen the body – so ironically looking like Tsuna's just asleep, nothing more to it – and no one comes back. At least, if no one has seen them come back to visit.
But there is an unspoken rule, an unspoken order. Only one person at a time and not one of them intrudes. It is a personal thing, a debt they repay to Tsuna that is long overdue, a payment long withdrawn that they have yet to pay back.
Yamamoto knows briefly that Gokudera sneaks here to visit, in the middle of the forest where Tsuna's fucking coffin lies. He knows that everyone else does too, and Yamamoto is no exception. Now, it is the turn of two women, who know exactly what this is.
He picks them both up separately, takes them along many routes, and retakes several. All along the time, they say nothing because they already know. When they arrive, he stops, and sidesteps from out of their field of view.
Yamamoto stares briefly at Haru, who, unlike Kyoko, is not draped over the casket, sobbing. She just stares at it, as though lost, and Yamamoto wonders why she doesn't just cry. She can do it, she's a woman, she is in no way related to the mafia; but even then it is not so easy.
He takes a step towards her, as if to raise a hand to touch her arm.
Understandably, she flinches and steps away.
Tsuna loved Kyoko. And perhaps Tsuna loved Haru too.
There is no denying that the two women had returned or had been the first to give those emotions to the boy, and there is no denying that Tsuna hadn't wanted either of them even more involved than needed be.
In the beginning, Tsuna had been more than paranoid, assigning a Guardian to watch over each of them.
Ryohei had been the natural choice for Kyoko.
And it had been Gokudera who had been assigned to Haru.
Even then, a brother could not always.
Even then, a right-hand man could not always.
It soon became evident for Tsuna that having his Guardians looking after normal people who didn't have anything to do with the mafia was a strain on resources. Vongola needed their Guardians, and such work would be assigned to soldiers. Soldier – the term for lower ranking Mafiosi of each Guardian's Captains.
Yamamoto has exactly seven Captains, each having close to a hundred subordinates under them. It is the same thing for each Guardian, but even with all these men, they were not able to save their Don.
Yamamoto knows the two of them will never be finished, but instinctively, he knows it is Gokudera's turn to visit the grave. The man's presence lingers somewhere in the distance, pausing somewhat, before turning to go in the other direction, in another route to get to the marked grave.
They sense each other, rain and storm, encircling.
At this moment, Yamamoto knows Gokudera will not want to meet Kyoko or Haru – reminders of what they all failed – and he tells them quietly, "We have to go."
They don't look up or at him. He does not find it surprising.
There are no details why and he has no right to even do this to them because they both love Tsuna in a way that Yamamoto can't possibly understand. But they follow him anyway.
Surprisingly, it is Kyoko who leaves Tsuna's side first, and Haru, who follows only after Kyoko has reached to where Yamamoto stands in the clearing.
He leads them back, through several more miles and out of the forest to a car out in a highway garage. He instructs them exactly where to sit, and where to switch to when he reaches a certain place.
In the distance, he can feel Gokudera, and the waves of animosity, anger, hate and sorrow and frustration and everything they've all ever failed to do. This time, he isn't far enough away, and Yamamoto can sense every one of them.
When Yamamoto closes the door and enters through the driver's side, reaching up to adjust the rear-view mirror, both pairs of eyes immediately turn away from his darkened expression.
But it is Haru's eyes that stay in his memory long after he has brought them home, eyes that are brown and maybe darker than brown, so close to black he could drown in them.
Vongola is breaking, they need everything they can to survive, and there is simply no time, but he always manages to find her, always manages to find the time even though there's supposed to be ino time left if they want Vongola to live, to survive past the death of its tenth Don.
The Mafiosi who have been in the Vongola longer would state that it is time to find a new Don, but that is impossible.
A Vongola Hunt, and Byakuran will not stop until each and every one of them is dead. Byakuran has men all over the place, and despite how competent Yamamoto knows his men are, the trust and faith he gives when he assigns orders and missions are false.
Vongola is barely hanging on.
Through all that, Yamamoto guides her.
He gives Haru more than two decisions, more than forgetting that Tsuna ever lived and that their lives aren't worth it, more than going to live a new life in a new job in a new place, more than staying behind and remembering and paining.
Yamamoto shows up one day, and knocks on her door. She is hesitant to let him in, but she does so reluctantly. It isn't surprising; Haru is stubborn, and that is probably why Tsuna loved her.
Yamamoto doesn't know why he doesn't do this for Kyoko, but Kyoko has Ryohei, so it is almost undeniable that Ryohei will help her in his own way. Maybe it is just selfishness, or maybe it is just childishness, or maybe it's just something he can't understand. But he thinks he does, so it should be easy. It isn't.
Haru doesn't trust him.
He settles down on the sofa, and waits for her while she gets tea that she mutters "manners" and "guest" about. He is no guest to be welcomed, they both know that, but for formalities' sake, he allows a sip of green tea to go past his lips while she stares solemnly at him before he speaks.
"I-Pin is going over to watch Kyoko. Lambo will be watching over you."
It's like he's saying that she has no choice in this decision. Yamamoto can read it in the way her body stiffens, and she does not relax. Her eyes are capturing his, and it takes Yamamoto all he can do not to just stand up and leave without hearing her response.
"Yamamoto-san," Haru whispers, "Are you alright?"
He doesn't reply to that, but he still gives her a soft smile all the same. It is filled with so many bitter emotions he doesn't bother hiding it. They both know they prefer it this way.
"I'll be back," He promises.
The story in her eyes says she will not be counting the days.
It is no fault of hers, not so.
He is one of the people who could have been there. Who could've done something, but hadn't, not in time. Haru couldn't have done anything – Yamamoto knows she would've run to Tsuna's aid, would've jumped to receive the bullet. She has - had so much devotion for Tsuna.
Yamamoto's not sure if he knew he himself would've done the same because all these years he's been struggling with stayalivestayalivestayalive have been ingrained in his mind. He doesn't trust himself as much anymore – he hadn't been able to make it in time.
Haru still does not trust him. This is understandable; if he cannot trust himself, what good is having her trust him?
He has no excuse and they both know it, but it does not stop him from visiting her when he can.
Yamamoto will leave it up to her, but he will be the one to show her all the cards, or at least, the ones that can help her.
The way she puts herself away from him at a distance is understandable.
Lambo is nervous and keeps on asking him why he keeps coming here. If not for a mission, if not for devastating news – when will Lambo be brought back to - ?
Ah, but, Yamamoto knows Lambo. Gokudera knows Lambo even better, but Yamamoto has lived enough years to know that Lambo is still brave. The boy will fight to protect because out of all of them, Lambo is the youngest. Lambo is the one who's grown up amongst Tsuna and everyone else the most, who's seen the incredible things they have done and who has see what consequences follow those devastating decisions.
He ruffles the kid's hair. Not the afro he used to have as a child, but something more evident as his ten years' time of growing up.
"Calm down," He says gently, "Your job is to take care of Haru-san."
He's not sure how he started deciding that it was okay. Or what lead to it exactly, but Yamamoto still got drunk off his ass and was the sorriest, most pathetic piece of shit you'd ever come to see – as Gokudera would have put it.
He's not sure how he got here either.
But he remembers rain and memories, and it he remembers it was his turn to look at Tsuna, to see what he failed to save. A thing that mattered, just like how he had failed to save someone else.
(He couldn't understand it, the whole purpose.
He was hysterical for the first time in his life.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He screamed. "He was my dad! I could've – even if I couldn't have saved him – just to –"
Tsuna didn't look at him, and when Yamamoto was struggling to keep his breath and temper together, told him to get out and cool off his head. Yamamoto was useless to the family like this. Don't come back until you're sure you can do your job.)
The small safe house that is where he should have gone and should have stayed that night – he chose not to go there that night.
He remembers stumbling against the door, drenched in the rain, leaning heavily against the wall. He remembers feeling sick and the urge to cry overwhelming.
Somewhere amongst there, he remembers Haru opening the door, Haru letting him in, Haru getting him a blanket he doesn't pull around his shoulders because he's too numb and his uselessness was the reasons Tsuna was killed, it could have been avoided. Lambo being a blur that disappears for a couple of hours, and Haru trying to get him to warm off and out of the wet clothes that will make him sick.
And now he is here, trembling, shaking. He burrows his face in his hands and shakes, dripping rain water all over Haru's sofa.
Haru is unsure and she hovers over him like a mother hen, only she has no idea what to do. In fact, she is just as scared as he is because he knows she has never seen him like this - Yamamoto has never seen himself like this.
When Tsuna died, Yamamoto couldn't feel anything but loss. He hadn't cried. He just couldn't. There had been something of a barrier, saying, no you can't cry, you can't.
It. Hurts. Too much.
When had Yamamoto started to avoid his pain? When had he wanted to drown himself it, wallow up in so much that he couldn't remember, it'd be a little buzz in the back of his mind?
He had never drunk as much alcohol as he had that evening. Even as a teenager, Oyaji had made sure to only give it to him before he left for Italy. It hadn't been of a celebration, it'd only been for the remembering.
Adulthood, Oyaji had called it, was stupid. You did stupid things. You would never live them down. But you kept on going.
Yamamoto can't understand it, and then somehow along the lines, Haru is kneeling on the sofa beside him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burrowing her face in his shoulder, crying.
They stay like that for a very long time. What comes next is stupid. So stupid.
He throws her against the floor – maybe he's dead drunk. But he's thinking insanely clear at that moment, and the way that Haru stares up at him with red puffy eyes makes him feel even more. His palms are flat on either side of her head and he stares down at her from above, one knee in between her legs and his face lowering.
"Haru," he whispers miserably, "Haru."
Yamamoto means to say other things, but the only thing that slips out is her name, over and over again. It is Haru he is responsible for, it is Haru who cries, it is Haru who loves Tsuna more than Yamamoto does, and it is Haru who loves Tsuna a different way.
Haru's love is more than friendship, more than brotherhood.
He kisses her.
He lets his mouth go over hers. Her mouth is unmotivated, but she opens it, and lets him use his lips to wet hers, letting him move his against hers and then pull back with a soft sound, then trace down to her jaw to her neck.
Her hands clench up behind his ears, grasping for his collar, and then tracing down the back of his neck to his hair. One of his hands reaches down to touch her collar bone, and slowly trail down to trace the outline of her body.
Haru shivers beneath him, weaves her fingers into his hair, and then just hugs his face to her shoulders, before she pulls his face back up to stare at hers.
"Yamamoto-san," she murmurs, and her eyes see everything. "You need to go back home."
He just stares at her dumbly before she pushes him off, but not before he grabs her arm and stares at her with a look he can't imagine, but he doesn't want to go back to a place where it's empty, where he has nothing left but to pick up pieces of a friend gone.
"…please…"
It isn't until that Yamamoto has somehow managed to strip away Haru's shirt and pants, and kissing, using his mouth, using his hands, using all he can to taste, touch, know – just know that he realizes that he's trespassed on territory that was never his to trespass on.
"…please…"
His hand that has been reaching into her underwear and touches lightly at delicate skin before he pulls back as though burned. He looks down, trapped, at her expression before he embraces her with one arm.
"Please," Haru whispers, "Don't look like that."
It is not Haru's first time.
"When did you fill out in all the right places?" He murmurs. It is another way for asking her when she had decided to grow up. Haru pulls his face to look at her again, and she laughs, slowly, sadly.
"Haru needed to catch up to Tsuna-san," is all she says.
Yes. Yamamoto decides.
She had been Tsuna's all along.
For some reason, Yamamoto remembers Tsuna asking him once, "Yamamoto, can I trust you?"
It's a memory that burns.
Yamamoto embraces her from behind, even though he shouldn't do this, and he's shaking.
Haru doesn't do anything, just keeps saying, "It's allowed for Yamamoto-san to cry."
When he doesn't, she leans back.
"He's human too," she says. "Yamamoto-san is human too."
He burrows his face in her hair. Black, like midnight.
Tsuna loved her very much. Haru was unscarred.
It's Gokudera's turn to visit Tsuna today.
It's been nine years and ten months. Nine years and ten months since they became Vongola, when Vongola officially became their lives, and there was nothing they could say to that, nothing they could deny, and all they could say was that they had chosen this and that there was no backing out.
Yamamoto counts everything. He is pretty sure Gokudera does too. And everyone else. Counts the lives, counts the days, counts how much they have lived, but never how much they have yet to live.
There's no way to tell for sure, but of course everyone knows exactly the number of days and hours that have passed since Tsuna died.
He doesn't harbour any false hopes that the person the CEDEF will be able to help at all. The false information he's given, he hopes, will at least stop any interference - but Byakuran is a thorough bastard, so he goes to get that one himself. Anything to avoid what little longer Vongola can still survive.
And then, just like that.
He'd been surprised – more than surprised, shocked, maybe even scared, just so, so relieved, and then just so, so frightened for what might've killed Reborn. When Reborn appeared, Yamamoto hadn't known what to do, he'd panicked.
But Reborn is here. The Reborn Yamamoto remembered, the cursed Arcobaleno Sun, Reborn is here and alive - not dead. Not dead by Byakuran's methods.
Reborn tells him something that Yamamoto can't believe. But maybe he can because he's been waiting for a miracle, waiting for something.
He doesn't entertain the hope more than a couple of hundred times before he leaves the base to pick up the CEDEF agent – an ex-Arcobaleno. Even an Arcobaleno cannot help – Byakuran has seen to that, but then - Reborn.
Still, he abandons that when he goes to track down one Lal Mirch. There is –
And oh god.
(There is no more Sawada Tsunayoshi, he is dead. Unmoving, still, just like Oyaji had been.)
Oh god.
Tsuna is alive again. Granted, noticeably shorter, more inclined to freak out than Yamamoto remembers, but then it's nine years and ten months since the day they reclaimed the other halves of the Vongola rings and were able to call themselves Tsuna's Guardians, so that's understandable.
Gokudera. And Gokudera is younger, the same trash-talking, potty-mouthed, foul-tempered Gokudera Hayato, who doesn't use only words, but who's only intention is to protect Tsuna, nothing else. To protect Tsuna from Yamamoto - Yamamoto remembers those halcyon days.
He feels nostalgia, and he can't help but laugh even though there's barely been anything to laugh about these times. He goads Gokudera, he leads them back to the base, memories reliving themselves all over again when Reborn doesn't hesitate in once again assuring that Tsuna's head is specifically suited for Reborn's foot.
The Vongola Rings – when he sees Gokudera with his, Tsuna with his, there is more bitterness than relief that appears in him. Byakuran will want those, no doubt. But it is hope, somehow, the impossible has occurred and Yamamoto is thinking all the things that can happen, and he knows they can happen because it's Tsuna.
Yamamoto wants to be lost in these sensations, wants to forget, wants to pretend that the feeling that keeps spiking at him whenever he sees Tsuna - ten years younger and alive. He tries to make it easier, tries to ease their trip here – but not so.
When Tsuna encounters Haru and Kyoko, Yamamoto knows.
Yamamoto will lose Haru to Tsuna again, but it was never losing her to him.
She was a funny girl, always saying she'd marry Tsuna or something like that. Yamamoto just had thought she must've been pretty dang smart and Tsuna must've been pretty dang lucky. At first, he laughed and treated it normally. As the years went on, he grew to realize how serious she was.
As it was, she never was his in the first place.
(She kept on dreaming of Tsuna every night, she kept on having nightmares. It was like she was with him when he died, and she was losing herself. She told so much of this to Yamamoto it wasn't funny.
Even when her hips jerked up against his, or the they were unable to think, she breathed out Tsuna's name.
That was alright.
All Yamamoto had to do was call out Haru's name like Tsuna probably would've.)
He trusts Tsuna.
"Tsuna, good luck." He grins.
("So you gonna marry Tsuna one day, that right?" He asks her, as he picks out a towel from one of the drawers and places it over her head, helping her dry her hair.
He can hear Haru's pout.
"Of course! Haru is Tsuna-san's future wife!"
"That right?" Yamamoto can hear himself laugh. "Don't forget to invite me to the wedding.")
end.