A/N: Yes, I am well aware that I own none of these characters. Though, if I did, I would give Barney a truly legen-wait for it-dary high five and suit up. Pip pip, enjoy the story.

It was early in their friendship and already he was frightened by the depth of their connection. She was a female him, albeit with slightly more tact and empathy, but the list of their mutual likes and dislikes was astonishing. Damn it if Robin Scherbatsky wasn't making him crave a monogamous life just the tiniest bit. He had vowed never to become a couple-drone, moaning on about the lateness of the hour, or the tiny things that their partner did to make them both hate and love each other. That's what a relationship was, love and hate all jumbled into one frustratingly tantalising mess.

And Ted, dear naïve idiotic Ted, was about to save him from himself. It was a simple enough thing to do, made even easier by the fact that no one knew his heart, or where his affections lay. Certainly not with Ted's girl, the one with the luscious brown hair and wicked aim. That little smile she couldn't hide when she took his money and said rude things on the air made his stomach churn with something wholly unnatural and extremely unwanted.

Smack! The sound of his palm connecting with Ted's slightly moist cheek was beyond satisfying, even if he wouldn't let himself admit the reason why. "That wasn't me; that was the Universe," he said as an excuse; really, it was no excuse at all. He had slapped Ted because only Ted could be so stupid to go after such a beautiful and intelligent woman again and again, heedless of the imminent rejection. And of course, he was more than a little in love with Robin, but he would never admit it. A bachelor like him, intensely good-looking and just plain awesome, in love with little Robin Sparkles? Never in a million years.

But who was he kidding, really? Anyone who wasn't completely blinded by their own couple-iness (AKA Not Lily, Marshall, or Ted) could see that he did whatever he could to be near her. She'd already proven herself to be a far better bro than Marshall or Ted; come to think of it, she was a far better bro than the two of them combined. But that was beside the point. Carl watched from behind the wide bar with a leering grin as the two sidled ever closer on their side of the table. They always did, when Ted wasn't being a dick and took one of their spots. His arm would come up to rest casually on the back of the booth, mere inches away from her shoulders. It killed him to be so close and yet unable to touch her; he always wondered whether she felt the same. Occasionally legs would brush or elbows bump, and he would get an uncharacteristic jolt through his body, but he was too..well.. awesome to show how she affected him. Robin was poison in his veins, but he could never get enough.

Ted was still yammering on about how he and Robin were meant to be, but all he could see was Robin's face, focused and vengeful, as she plowed through a wall of youngsters at lazer tag. Her lazy smile while she puffed a cigar before him (He never knew suits could look so sexy, on anyone besides himself of course) That was the Robin he knew and loved, the Robin that she attempted to hide behind the caring and loving exterior she showed the rest of them. He was allowed to see her for all that she was, and the bare truth of her existence floored him. He knew how to make women trust him, to spill their woes before ripping off those lacy panties, but Robin actually trusted him to know who she was. Her trust, and his apparent reciprocation, stunned and amazed him. And the funny thing was, he really did trust her. She saw past the expensive suits and the magic to see the real him; insecure and yet completely at ease with himself. An interesting paradox, but one that could not be undone in his current lifestyle, and possible never would be changed. But he could feel the façade cracking around her, showing the wear around the edges that he never showed another soul. Not that he meant to show her, she just happened to be able to break down the barrier whenever she wanted, just with that crazy Scherbatsky smile.

The universe was behind that slap, apparently. No one seemed to dispute the statement, not even Lily or Ted. Perhaps because they couldn't see, through their love and comfort-blinded eyes, that it was Barney Stinson in all his suited awesomeness who slapped Ted. Because of Robin Scherbatsky.