A/N: This is intended to be funny. I assure you that I didn't take any of this from specific stories, I've just seen a lot of things similar to this before. If you find yourself thinking, "Hey, that's my story, you stole from me!" I promise you I didn't do it on purpose (in fact, I don't realize I did), and suggest you do some serious reworking of your story. Enjoy!

Chapter One: The Wand

Harry walked into the custom wand shop in Knockturn Alley – he didn't want those pesky Ministry tracking spells after all. It was dark and gloomy, like all the shops in Knockturn Alley, and there were piles of materials laying everywhere.

"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.

"I want a powerful new wand without tracking spells," said Harry.

"I see. I assume you have money, powerful wands are cheap." Harry rolled his eyes at being asked such a stupid question. He showed the man his bulging moneybag. "Very well. Hold these woods and tell me which feels right."

Harry held all the wood samples, but none felt right. Finally, he found a dusty sample that looked as though no one had picked it up in years. He touched it and felt power surge up his arm. "This one." He handed the sample to the man behind the counter.

The man looked surprised. "This is wood from the Yggdrasil tree. It is a magical tree from Atlantis. It is very powerful by itself. I have never made a wand from it." Harry shrugged. "Now, take this fake wand. It will adjust itself to the proper length for you." Harry waved the wand around a bit and is shortened. The man now looked amazed. "9.7 inches. That is the most powerful wand length there is. You see, three is a very magically powerful number, and three times three is nine. Seven is also an extremely powerful magical number. Finally, when you add nine and seven, then subtract three, you get thirteen, the darkest of the magically important numbers."

"Wow…" murmured Harry.

"Before you find the core or cores and any runes that will be carved into your wand, would you like any extras?"

"Extras?" asked Harry.

"I can enchant the wood to do many things. Almost anything really," explained the man.

"Hmm… can you make it so it will stick to my hand and not be able to be knocked out?"

"Of course, that's part of our standard enchanting package."

"What else is in this package?" asked Harry.

"Your Wand will change color with your mood and if anyone other than you touches the wand, they will feel pain greater than that of the Crucio curse. You can instruct it not to harm people who you trust to hold your wand," he explained at Harry's slightly shocked look.

"Oh, alright then, that sounds fine," said Harry.

"Are there any other enchantments you wanted, or would you like to move onto the core and runes?"

"Core and runes," said Harry.

"Very well, sir," replied the man. He spread out a large number of items, including the three cores used by Olivander, but also: essence of dementor, phoenix tears, veela hair, thestral tail hair, wing feathers from a golden gryphon, blood from a black phoenix, saliva from the oldest known vampire, fur from a hell hound, acromantula venom, and powdered basilisk fang. "Just pass your hand over each and tell me which one or ones feel right."

Harry passed his hand over the phoenix tail feather and felt a surge of power similar to what he felt with the Yggdrasil wood. He continued on to the vampire saliva, which was next to it since the man had said that there was a possibility of more than one core, and felt the power surge again. Curious, he passed his hand over all of them.

"Which one?" asked the man.

"All of them," said Harry.

The man stared at Harry. "Are you sure, sir? All of them?"

"Yes all of them, they all felt right to me."

"Very well, sir," said the man, who looked down right scared at this point. "The final thing is to find out which runes to carve into your wand to aid in power and defense. Are there any runes that you know you want?"

"No," said Harry. "I don't know much about runes."

"That's okay. Hold this piece of parchment. The runes will appear on it." Harry grasped the parchment. Ink appeared out of nowhere and swirled around, changing from one rune to another for several minutes. Finally two showed up and stayed put. "My God," muttered the man.

"What? What happened this time?" asked Harry. "There are only two."

"This rune," said the man as he pointed at the first rune, "means that I must carve all the runes for increased power, and this one-" he pointed at the second rune "-means the same but for defensive runes."

"Oh," was all Harry could manage.

"Your wand will be ready in about four hours, sir," said the man.

"Alright," said Harry. Then he turned around, left the shop and went off to explore Knockturn Alley.

A little over four hours later, Harry returned to the wand shop. "Ah, you're back," said the man who had been there before. "I think you will be very happy with your wand. I am very proud to have made it. It is the most powerful wand ever created by any known wand maker!"

"That's… umm… nice to know," said Harry, wary of getting attention for his powerful new wand. "So, can I take it now?"

"Of course, it will be seventy-three galleons and nine knuts."

Harry dumped out his moneybag – he knew it only had seventy-four galleons in it. "Keep the change," he said. He grabbed his wand, which was lying on the counter and put it in the opposite pocket of his old one. He was a little scared to have the two touch. Then he left the shop to try out his new super powerful wand.

A/N: Thanks to My PenName Is... for the beta. If anyone has ideas for what I should do, I'm open, as it's only ... and I coming up with ideas.