Edna's Caper
By Becky
The characters belong to Janet. I'm just having fun with them.
Thanks to Kashy for allowing me to expand my chapter of her round robin and, as always, to BJ for her masterful editing, ideas and sense of humor.
"Steph?" Joe's voice broke through the haze of pure relaxation that his magic fingers induced whenever he washed my hair. We went to bed early last night and had time this morning to luxuriate in a tub full of yummy Philosophy Cinnamon Buns bubble bath.
"Hmmm?"
"I was asking you why you're staying over at your parents' for the next few days." He was applying just the perfect amount of pressure as he made tiny circles on the back of my neck.
"Oh God, that feels good," I was nearly purring now.
"Steph? Your parents?"
"Mmmm. Oh. They're going to my dad's Uncle Mario's funeral in Pittsburgh. It's been a long time since he's seen some of his cousins, and they're going to stay for a couple days."
"So, you're Grandma-sitting." Joe's thumbs lowered to my shoulders. I leaned back and felt him hard against me. "Probably you'll need a pick-me-up before you get started." His mouth had found that tender spot behind my ear, and I felt his lips turn up into a smile on my wet skin.
"No probably about it," I assured him and turned myself around until I was straddling him. I pulled him close for a long, passionate kiss and glided my hands down his soapy, slick back til they rested on his amazing ass and gave it a squeeze. "Your turn." I said into his mouth, as I slid my hands slowly around his waist and downward until I found him.
"How much time do we have?" His voice, low and thick. His hands, full of bubbles as they slid up to my breasts.
"Just enough," I said and lowered myself onto him.
My hair was still damp, and my body still humming when I pulled into my parents' driveway. My mother and grandmother were silhouetted behind the storm door, opening it as soon as my foot hit the porch.
Your hair's wet and it's February, Stephanie," my mother started.
"I know, and I'm going to catch my death of cold." I laughed as I finished her sentence for her. She smiled along with me.
"Well, aren't you the chipper one this morning? My mother said. "And you smell wonderful."
"It's Cinnamon Buns. I had a long bubble bath this morning and lost track of the time. Sorry if I'm late." I smiled widely at her.
"I gotta get me some of that. Think it'll make me chipper with a big smile like yours on my face?'" Grandma Mazur winked at me from behind my mother.
"You never know." I winked back. "I'll bring some over, and you can give it a try tonight."
The door swung open and my father walked into the kitchen, carrying two suitcases. "You all set Helen? I want to beat the traffic." He turned to me. "You smell like cinnamon buns, Stephanie. The rest stops on the Pa Turnpike have those Cinnabons shops. Want to stop and get some, Helen?" He smiled at my mother.
It hit me that both my parents were smiling this morning. They were looking forward to this. They didn't often have time alone together. What with Grandma living here, Val and the girls, and me popping in whenever we wanted. I stopped myself before I started thinking that their smiles might be even bigger when they got home. Nope. Not going there. The image of them eating Cinnabons was one thing; I sure didn't want one of them frolicking in bubbles.
"Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into here, Stephanie?" my father asked me, his eyes cutting in my grandmother's direction.
"It'll be fun. Grandma can ride shotgun for me. I could use the help," I fibbed with my fingers crossed behind my back.
"Oh, my lord. My mother riding shotgun." My mother crossed herself. "Frank, maybe I should stay here." Disappointment clouded her face.
"Over my dead body," Grandma Mazur said, handing my mother her coat. "I need a break. You're outta here."
My parents exchanged a look I couldn't interpret, and my father opened the back door. My mother gave Grandma and me a hug, told us both to "be good," and followed him out.
"Honestly," Grandma said as we stood silhouetted behind the storm door. "Your mother worries too much. We're gonna have a blast together."
The irony of role reversal flashed through my mind as I thought about my mother seeing me standing in her stead next to her mother. Maybe someday we'll talk about it, but right now my major concern was finding her tippling stash. I was pretty sure I was going to need it.
As always, Lula was lounging on the couch, and Connie was doing her nails when Grandma and I walked through the bond office door.
"What's that I smell?" Lula said, wrinkling her nose. "That's not Boston Cream. And you're late. What's up with you?"
"Cinnamon buns! Have some," Grandma said, handing Lula the bag. "They're how come Stephanie's got that big goofy smile on her face."
"Hey, Granny! Long time no see!" Grandma and Lula did their handshake thing.
"I'm riding shotgun for Stephanie! Hope you got some humdinger perps for us, Connie."
"My parents went to an out-of-town funeral, so I'll be staying with Grandma for a few days," I explained. "It'll be fun." Maybe if I said it often enough, I'd believe it and could uncross my fingers.
"Unh hunh," Lula said. "And what's Office Hottie have to say about that?"
I gave Lula my best don't-you-go-there glare. She took the hint and concentrated on her bun, licking some goo off her finger.
Connie gave her hands one more air dry shake and came around from behind her desk. She dropped a stack of files on the couch next to Grandma and carefully selected a bun from the bag, taking care not to smudge her nails. "Nope, no humdingers. Just the same old, same old."
I suppressed a sigh of relief. Same old, same old was exactly what I needed with Grandma tagging along.
"Ain't that always the way." Grandma was disappointed. "Let me take a look." She grabbed one of the files and flipped it open.
We all jumped when there was a loud jolting CRASH that felt like something was breaking through the wall from the bookstore next door.
"Crikey!" Connie screamed. "What the hell was that?"
We all ran out the door and into Mary Maggie Mason's shop. She was standing, hands on hips, in the middle of a pile of books, her tortoiseshell glasses slightly askew on her nose and an enormous book in her right hand.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Mary Maggie said, surveying the damage. A bookcase was partially detached from the wall, but other than that there didn't appear to anything broken.
"What happened?" Connie asked.
"I was putting this on the top shelf," Mary Maggie said, holding the book out for us all to see. Then she started to giggle. "Atlas Shrugged and the books came tumbling down."
"Say what?" Lula asked. I turned to tell her about the mammoth book. And that's when I noticed. No Grandma.
"Where's Grandma?" I asked Connie. "I thought she was behind you."
"No, she was busy looking at your skip files …." We all sucked in some air and stormed back to the bonds office.
The Naugahyde couch was empty. I dashed for the bathroom, Connie for Vinnie's office, and Lula for the storage room. The place was small, and we were back standing in the office in a flash. Grandma was gone.
"Uh oh," Lula said as she flopped down on the couch.
"What uh oh?" I wanted to know.
"The files aren't here."
We all locked eyes for a beat while we considered the havoc Grandma could wreak.
"I'll take the back," Connie said, taking charge. "Lula, you go left toward St. Francis. Steph, go right and check Ogden. She couldn't have gotten far. Don't worry. We'll find her."
"Yeah, she's an old lady," Lula said as we barreled through the door. "We'll find her scrawny ass."
"Damn," Lula said, her head swiveling back and forth, multi-colored beads a-flying. "This don't look good."
As soon as I reached the corner, my head was swiveling too, north and south on Ogden. "I don't see her. Omigod, I've lost her! I've lost my grandmother."
"Now hold on," Lula interrupted. "We haven't checked the deli or Clara's. I bet she's in Clara's getting those hot doggie curls put on her head."
Lula's effort to keep me calm weren't working. I hit #1 on my speed dial as I ran into the deli. No answer on the phone. What the hell? The phone was always answered. I could feel the panic setting in before I remembered the reason I had Grandma with me. My parents were on their way to Pittsburgh. Mental head slap. That's why my mom didn't answer the phone.
A bus stopped at the corner, and I realized Grandma could be anywhere by now. She loved to flash her Medicare card and ride for free, looking for something to tell the girls at the beauty parlor.
Connie stuck her head out the office door. "Steph, I couldn't find her."
"Me neither," Lula hollered.
I hit #2 and ran back inside. "Hey, Cupcake," Joe answered on the second ring.
"I lost Grandma," I was gasping and sweating, a full-blown panic attack just seconds away.
"Take a deep breath, Steph. Tell me what happened." Joe's voice was calm, but I rushed through the story as fast as I could. No time to spare.
"Okay, don't worry. We'll find her," Joe reassured me. "It's too soon for a missing person's report, but I'll have Gazzara spread the word, and the uniforms will keep an eye out. If she's on the street, we'll find her in no time. It's hard to miss a little old lady with bright red hair and lime-green pants. And if she's on the bus, she's safe there and she'll go home when she's ready."
Whew, I felt instantly better, Joe was right. Of course, there was nothing to worry about.
"Did you notify Ranger?" Joe wanted to know. Oh geez, he'd never ask that if he wasn't worried. My heart rate was picking up speed again.
"No, I haven't called Ranger yet."
"I'm on it," Lula said punching her cell. "Tank, baby. Steph's got a problem."
"Lula's on the phone with Rangeman now," I told Joe.
"Good, now why don't you and Lula drive around and look for her. I can get free in about an hour. Chances are she'll be home by then. I'll meet you there for lunch. If she hasn't turned up, I'll ask the desk sergeant to put out an alert. We can make sandwiches out of your mother's meatloaf from last night."
"Okay." We had a plan, and with the thought of meatloaf sandwiches, I was beginning to feel better. Another call was coming in on my cell phone. "Joe, this might be Grandma. See you at lunch. There might be some chocolate pudding left over, too."
"Grandma?" I asked. Stephanie Plum, ever the optimist.
"It's me, Babe." I sighed in disappointment; it wasn't Grandma. "Tank tells me your grandmother is missing. I'm tied up here in Boston all day, but the men are working on it, and I'll be checking in. Don't worry. We'll find her."
"That's what everybody says."
"Then it must be true, Babe." And he disconnected.
I drove around for about an hour. I called Val and asked her to start calling our family. I headed to my parents' house to call Grandma's friends.
I got through the telephone list by the kitchen phone. No luck. No one had seen or heard from her. I was beginning to have a better appreciation for my mother. I'd only been responsible for Grandma three hours, and I was this close to breaking out the iron. Maybe there were more names in Grandma's address book upstairs. I bolted up the steps.
My heart stopped when I saw the polka-dotted t-shirt on her bed. Grandma had been here, and something was wrong. She'd never leave her clothes on the bed. It just wasn't done. The front door opened, and my heart started up again.
"Steph?" Joe called.
"Up here, Joe. Hurry!" I screamed.
He bounded up the stairs and was in the doorway by the time I tore my eyes away from the pink polka dots. His hand was over his heart. "Christ, Stephanie. I thought she was dead." He pulled me to him, wrapped me within his arms, and heaved a huge sigh of relief. "I'd really miss that crazy old lady."
I burst into tears.
Joe held my face in his hands and brushed the tears away with his thumb, kissing my forehead. "Shhh. I'm sorry Cupcake. Shhh," he whispered in my ear.
I pointed to the t-shirt and stuttered, "J-j-joe, l-l-look." I felt Joe start to shake. "What?" I asked him.
"You don't think she's walking around without clothes on do you?" He was biting his lip. The bastard was laughing. "Naked and red-headed. God, I hope it's Costanza that finds her."
The image flashed through my mind, and I couldn't help but giggle. "With her purse crooked on her elbow."
Joe gave me a loving kiss. When Joe kissed me, I felt everything was possible and I was in control again. "You check her closet and see if you can figure out what she is wearing. I'll check out the rest of the house," he said.
I found an empty pink padded hanger that held Grandma's favorite red dress. The one she called her "knock-out" punch. Her highest-heeled black patent leathers were missing too. Oh boy, what was she up to?
"I know what she's wearing," I said as I went into the hall to find Joe. He was standing, staring into my old bedroom. "Did you find something?" I asked him.
"I've never seen your bedroom before," Joe said with a grin. "I imagined it a time or two in high school though."
I came up behind him and peeked over his shoulder. "Do tell."
He turned, pulled me close and didn't need to tell me a thing. His body spoke for itself. He kissed me again, this time with love and desire. A jolt of fire went straight to my doodah. "Ymmm," I murmured and squiggled a little.
"Oh man, Steph," Joe's voice was husky now, "you're making this really hard, but we've got to find your grandma. Leave the bathroom window open tonight. I'll climb in and tell you all about those high school fantasies." That sounded good to me.
"Grandma's in her knock-out dress."
"I'm afraid to ask," Joe said.
I'd just begun describing it when the chirping started. Joe checked his pager. "I gotta get back to the station. You can fill me in on the way to my car."
By the time we reached his car, Joe'd called Gazzara with the clothing update. He gave me another bone-melting kiss, angled himself into his SUV, and pulled away. I went back inside and made myself a meatloaf sandwich for the road. Jersey girl style, I ate, drove and talked on my cell all the way to Chip'n'dales.
Val, Lula, and Connie now had the latest information, and we all agreed Chip'n'dales was the best bet. I'd just pulled into their lot when my phone rang.
"She's here," Joe said before I got a word out. "At the station."
"She's been arrested! Omigod! My mother's gonna have a fit," I blurted out. My father would probably buy me a new car though, so it might be worth it. Buick or not.
"No, she's not arrested," Joe assured me, "but you gotta see this."
I set a land speed record to the cop shop, hurled myself out of the car, and ran full out for the station door. I skidded to a halt when I saw Grandma Mazur and Aunt Mabel all decked out in their finest with lipstick smeared and hair sticking out in all directions.
"Well, here she is," Grandma piped out. "Looky here, Stephanie. Mabel and I nabbed your first bail jumper. Ain't that something?"
"That's what sisters are for Edna," Aunt Mabel said. I hadn't seen Aunt Mabel since Uncle Fred's funeral, and she looked like she'd been spending his money. Her dress was definitely not K-Mart. It was a soft purple knit that draped nicely over her plump body. Not so plump anymore though. In fact, Aunt Mabel looked pretty damn good.
"They always get their man," I heard the desk sergeant say.
I surveyed the room and saw everyone struggling to maintain control. Joe and Eddie doing a particularly bad job of it. And then I saw him. An old man who looked to be in his eighties. His hands were cuffed behind his back. His face and his bald dome were covered in two different shades of red lipstick. His shirt was halfway out of his pants and, dear God, his zipper was down. It looked like his boxers had been pulled out through his fly.
"Noooo!" I groaned, as I found Joe's eyes. "Say it isn't so."
"It was what you might call a 'distraction' job," Joe said, unable to keep the mile-wide grin off his face. There was a lot of coughing and foot shuffling going on in the room.
"That's it!" Grandma said. "For the life of us, Mabel and me couldn't remember what it was called. As soon as I saw Ikey in your files, I knew this was just the caper for us."
"Ikey was one of my beaus in high school," Aunt Mabel explained with a giggle.
"Yeah, and he ain't been getting none in a long time," Grandma picked up her story.
"His wife, Maddie, may she rest in peace, died so young. She was only 73," Mabel said, and we all crossed ourselves.
"Ikey was doing okay until the stroke four years ago," Grandma said. "Then he couldn't take them little blue pills no more, and none of the ladies at the senior center have that much time to waste. He couldn't get lucky to save his soul. So I grabbed the files and hurried as fast as I could to Mabel's."
"We made good time to Edna's in my zippy Sentra," Aunt Mabel said. "Ikey always goes for a walk in the park in the morning, and we didn't want to have to do it in the park."
My grandmother was going to do it in the park? I needed more than an iron. I needed a drink . . . a big stiff one. I couldn't help myself, my eyes drifted over to Joe at that thought. He followed my line of sight and shifted a bit. I looked up and he mouthed. "Tonight." Okay, if I can just make it till tonight, this day will have been worth it.
"Did you get there in time?" I asked Aunt Mabel.
"Sure did," Grandma said. "And just like I thought, Ikey let us both in. Then we turned on the charm."
"After some smooching and such, Edna offered him a threesome," Aunt Mabel added. "I'm not exactly sure what that is, but when she got behind him, Ikey got all … excited."
"I still got it," Ikey shouted out, wanting everyone to know. Mouths were dropping wide-open now.
"And that's when I slapped on the cuffs." Grandma said, patting her hair and smiling ear to ear. "This bounty huntering's a piece of cake. Let's go celebrate, Mabel."
"I hear Chili's makes a mean margarita," Aunt Mabel said pulling out her car keys.
I was exhausted from the roller coaster ride of the day and paralyzed by the thought of Grandma and Aunt Mabel out on the town, snookered, but they both looked so proud and pleased with themselves. Besides, getting snookered sounded pretty good. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? "Sounds like fun. The first one's on me."
"Hold up ladies," Joe said, taking the keys from Aunt Mabel's hand. "I can't pass up a chance to drive a zippy Sentra, and it looks like you'll need a designated driver."
"Isn't he the one," Grandma said.
"Will you drive us to Chip'n'dales afterwards?" Aunt Mabel wanted to know.
Oh boy. It was going to be a long night.