Let me be honest, being stuck in this hell hole of a prison is enough to drive anyone crazy. No human contact, complete darkness, and an ominous voice telling me that I am a corrupt sinner who is on the path to damnation are just a few of the things that make me want to rip my hair out. The thing I hold on to though, as I shiver in the encompassing darkness of this room, is the people that I love. Of course Adrian is near the top of the list, but also my other friends back in Palm Springs. Their caring nature and love towards me is a harsh contrast to how the Alchemists- my own people are treating me.
However, when someone like me is given an endless amount of time to herself with nothing to do, I begin to think. I think about my Mom and how she must have heard of the events that took place. She must be completely devastated for not seeing the signs. That's just the way she always was, to always look for blame within herself; basically the opposite of Dad. In fact, Dad must be so furious and ashamed of me that anyone within a 3 mile radius will be getting the heat of his anger. He'll blame my mother, Carly, and even Stanton for my relationship with Adrian.
Of course, it's impossible to think about the situation I'm in and not think about Zoe. This is where I am completely torn. I know that she is brainwashed and her judgement is completely blurred just because she wants to impress the Alchemists and for Dad to show any sign of approval towards her. I know this because I kind of used to think the same way; I was willing to do almost anything for some sort of positive emotion towards my existence from my father. At the same time one side of my brain is telling me to forgive Zoe, the other is appalled that my sister could do this to me. She is well aware that my kind of behavior was a first class ticket to re-education, and yet didn't have the heart to even warn me. I know that if the situation had been reversed, I could never report Zoe like that. It pains me to think that while she told my father everything, she was thinking about a mention to our superiors and a chance to throw my words back in my face. The Alchemists may have cruel things they plan to subject me to, but I doubt anything could hurt me more than what Zoe did to me. I've heard that betrayal hurts the most because it can never come from your enemies and I couldn't agree more.
I believe that this is the goal for this whole cold, dark room routine. All this time alone in your head will either force you to repent or make you jump off the deep end. Unless, of course, you are an Alchemist that knows that even the most well-intentioned of causes has its own dirty secrets to hide. I often think to myself that if I had been born with any passion other than learning, I would have been toast in the first couple of days. The only reason I even made it so far in the game is that I value my mind over everything and this makes my mind my strongest weapon. I know that whatever the Alchemists do, they cannot alter what I believe in because I am reassured that it is the truth. The combination of my mind and my magic means that there is no way they can hold me. I am getting out of here, I just have to wait for the perfect chance.