EXTRAS from Meetings with Sewers

By: Tropicwhale

Disclaimer: Not mine

Warnings: Bad Language. Mentions of Slash. Discussion of Morals and the nature of good and evil.

Author Notes: This is a supplemental piece to my feature length fanfic "Meetings in Sewers" composed of cut scenes from certain chapters. It makes more sense if one reads "Sewers". Enjoy!

Spike and Patricia's Heart to Heart from Chapter 14

The girls, including Beledia, were very excited with the idea of my going out with Xander. I can honestly say that I was not looking forward to it. I don't do dates. I barely do relationships. The only consolation is that I know Xander is having issues with the idea as well. How can I tell? There were no flowers on my pillow this morning. I've been avoiding everyone all day. Thus, pacing the floor of Emma's old room. I've been hiding up here most of the day. Now, I'm not a coward. Never have been. But this whole deal is a bit nerve racking, you know what I mean? It's just not right. Back in my day if you liked a girl (or the occasional guy) the protocol was completely different. There were calling cards, interviews with the parents, group dates at social functions. Hell, until the marriage night you'd never be alone together because someone was always lurking somewhere close by to protect the virtue of the young woman. Going out alone together, it just wasn't done. Bloody hell, remember my attempt at a date with Buffy? The absolute disaster that was? I don't want that to happen with Xander.

Emma's room dusty, no one has been in here since the day she past away. It was a safe bet that I'd be safe up here. The door opened and Patricia came in. Why is it that my plans never work? "Someone should really clean in here." Patricia closed the door and locked it (why didn't I think of that?), placing a bundle of clothes down on the end table.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"I was voted to help you get dressed."

"Voted?"

"Well, blackmailed. Come on, change." I lean against the wall and cross my arms.

"Make me."

"Please?"

"No." I growled. Patricia shrank in on herself.

"Okay. We can just talk about what's bugging you."

"Nothing." I am the king of evasion, next to Xander, that is.

"I'll believe that when you say it to my face and not to my shoes." Okay, maybe I could learn a thing or two about evasion. "What's amatter, Spike? Nervous about the date?" I shrug. "Spike, come on."

"Patricia, come on." I mocked. "What are you going to do? Beat it out of me?"

"Well, I am a slayer. It'd be easy. Didn't Xander beat you once?" I cock my mouth out.

"No."

"He didn't hit you over the head with a microscope?" Why that little-!

"I hit him over the head with the microscope. I was trying to convince his friend, Willow, to do a love spell for me to get Dru back.."

"Oh. That's nothing like the story that he told."

"What did he tell you?"

"That you were threatening Willow to force her to do a love spell on Buffy for you and he snuck up behind you and hit you over the head with a microscope and then he grabbed Willow and ran."

"Nope, I hit him over the head with the microscope, kidnapped him and Willow, and then threatened to kill him if she didn't create a love spell that drew Dru back to me. I was sort of evil." I grin, remembering. "Oh who am I kidding? I was bad, baby." I bite my lower lip, grinning. Patricia smiles and ducked her head, hiding her face behind a waterfall of hair. "Well, I was. Very bad. I was the Big Bad. Still am." She looked distinctly unimpressed. "I was. And then this pipe organ was dropped on me . . .and then I had this unfortunate run-in with a secret government organization that leashed and muzzled me. Come to think about it I had this huge long streak of bad luck." I blame Sunnydale.

"And now you have a chance to turn your luck around by going out on a date with Xander."

"Not true. Have you seen him eat?" Patricia tilted her head to the side and gave me a look. I sigh and took off my shirt and shoes. Then I started on my belt and pants. "You know, I usually don't undress on the first date." I say, my eyebrow raised, and drop my pants. Patricia whipped her back to me so fast that her hair made a whistling sound as it flew through the air.

"Uh-um, he-here you g-go." She hands a pair of pants to me without looking. I suppose I should have warned her that I go commando. Whoops. I didn't think about that. Okay, so maybe it crossed my mind a little. Must have ignored it.

"What makes you think that I'm going to put those on?"

"I'll cry if you don't." She threatened. "I mean it." I cross my foot over my leg.

"Please Spike?" her voice broke on my name like waves on rocks after a storm, fitfully and hard to miss. It was obvious that I was freaking her out. Now, I still don't mind scaring some people some of the times. Afterall I am a vampire; its part of the description. But now that I have a soul all the fun is taken out of scaring people like Patricia. It sucks but I put on the pants.

"There," I say "I'm decent." She turns around. "So, how did you know I was in here?"

"I heard you pacing." Note to self; when hiding in a room with wooden floors don't pace back and forth with steal-toed boots. Huh, that's actually good advice. She was back to not looking at me.

"What's amatter, Bubbles?"

"What? Oh nothing?"

"Pet?" Patricia looked at me and sat on the bed, sending up clouds of dust that had her coughing and me glad I didn't breathe. When the dust settled she looked back up at me.

"Can I ask you something personal?" I furrow my eyebrows and sit down next to her.

"Sure, Patricia. You can ask me anything." Doesn't mean I'll answer but she doesn't need to know that.

"Am I a monster?"

"Say what now?"

"Am I a monster?"

"God no. Why would you think such a thing?"

"Because I killed Emma." Oh. This is a situation that requires delicacy and tacit. I've neither. This is not going to go well but I pull her to my side.

"Look, you're not a monster. If anyone can tell that to you I can. Before I was chipped I was evil. I would think nothing of destroying a sweet little thing like you or any of the other girls. In fact, I've gone on killing sprees doing just that. It was fun, thrilling."

"What happened?"

"I came to Sunnydale and karma caught up with me. I ended up with a purpose and a soul."

"Do you remember the first person you killed?"

"I remember my first massacre, yeah."

"How-do you remember what they looked like as they died?"

"Yeah. They looked shocked."

"Like Emma."

"No." She looked confused. She had every right to. "There are different versions of shock. Emma's shock was shock at dieing. The first group of people I killed when I was turned all had this look on their faces of 'You're killing me?' I remember at the time I found it incredibly funny."

"Why?" I look into her dark eyes filled with worry.

"I was a monster. I am a monster. I still enjoy the kill, the thrill of adrenaline during the hunt."

"But why would they-?"

"The people that I killed that night . . . when I was human they were my friends, sort of."

"Sort of?"

"They treated me like shit. Because of them I was forced to admit something that I really didn't want to."

"Like what?"

"Nothing important. Lets just say that the night ended with me humiliated and turned."

"Oh." She swung her legs back and forth, kicking the bed contemplatively. "So you were shy like me?" Huh-wait-what?

"What makes you say that?"

"You said humiliated. Someone like you doesn't get humiliated by being forced to admit anything. You just stripped in front of me and gave me an eyeful. So you had to be radically different. I can't see you acting like Xander or Kenya or Alex or even Beledia so I guess I just guessed."

"Shot in the dark, huh?"

"Yeah. I didn't like Emma."

"I know, but it doesn't mean that you'll become a monster, pet."

"How do you know?" Stubborn little-! I stand up and look down at her.

"Because you regret doing it!" I point at her chest. "In your heart, you feel bad that Emma is gone and you wish that it didn't happen! That's the difference. Monsters, real monsters, we don't regret it. Not for a moment. My sire, Angel? He feels guilty for all the evil he's done but the monster inside him, the demon that did all those atrocities doesn't. He's gleeful that he caused all that carnage, all that pain. And I tell you another thing. So do I. There is a part of me that will always have that blood lust, that rage, that indescribable glee at misery and pain of others that I cause. You killed someone. Fine. The Shournlach can only make you do that which you are already capable of doing. You're a slayer. You slay. It's part of the job. And Emma was someone you disliked because she was a bully. So obviously there was some part of you that wanted her dead but the thing is that you were under the control of a demon when it happened. You weren't yourself but it was something that you wanted somewhere deep down inside. So that leaves you with a few options. One, you can guilt over it, becoming a liability in the field to your other teammates. Two, you can get over it. Three, you can go down that road and become the monster you're so afraid of becoming. Option three is out because you do feel guilt over what you did and monsters can't feel that. Option one is out because becoming a liability causes the deaths of Xander and the other girls and I know you don't want that. So it's option two, get over it." Somewhere in my little speech Patricia started to tear up. When I ordered her to get over it the waterworks started. Well, everyone knows I'm not the most tactful of people so shut-up! It's not my fault! "Oh Patricia, I'm sorry." I sit back down and pull her so she can cry on my shoulder. Stupid, bloody soul. "I didn't mean it. Well I did but I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. Cheer up, laughing girl, it's not the end of the world . . .yet." She cried harder. Shite. "Oh, Bugger, I ballsed it all up right proper." I really suck at cheering up crying girls; I'm all awkward and weak about it. "Patricia. Patricia. Sweetheart, cheer up, luv." She was hiccupping and sobbing into my shoulder. Think, William, there has got be some way to cheer her up. "Come on, I'll let you do my hair for my date with Xander. Come on, Bubbles, show me what you brought for me to wear."

"Al-al-alright." She sniffed, standing to collect the bundle of clothes from the end table and helped me get dressed for my date with Xander.