Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of The Phantom of the Opera goes Shakespearean! No, I do not know where this came from any better than you do.
As a side note, do I think this does Shakespeare (or PotO, for that matter) justice? Not at all. That being said, this is a pretty abridged edition, since putting every single line into iambic pentameter would wear me out entirely. And probably send Shakespeare's angry ghost after me.
[Setting: an auction at the dilapidated opera house. You, as the fanbase, know this. But no one at the Globe Theater does. So shut up and lemme give the context.]
Old Raoul: [examining a monkey-shaped music box]
Ay me, indeed hath this bestuffed ape
Resemblance to that object she described,
For look, it hath the gilt and velvet drape,
The same lead build, indeed, same spark of eye.
Then tell me, thou immortal figurine,
Wilt thou keep up thy chimes and bagatelles
Long after humankind has ceased to breathe,
And holding fast your fateful story tell?
Auctioneer: And so, now do we reach the number dread.
Draw up lot six-hundred and sixty-six,
A chandelier in pieces, light unshed
From its fair golden branches, there affixed.
But look thy memories straight in the face.
Recall, thou quiet public, that strange tale,
The mystery yet haunting this worn space,
And know that we who show this piece today
Were, true, ourselves informed of its own role
In that disaster unexplained and famed.
And so, in haste release the sounding toll!
[Rise chandelier, bringing the setting back several years]
Carlotta (as Elissa): [enters triumphantly, bearing a severed head]
You thousands, hark! This trophy from our saviors
From that enslaving, barb'rous force of Rome!
Chorus:
With fetes and dance in times of bloody war,
We greet the throng, triumphant, safely home!
Piangi (as Hannibal):
In sadness do I find our much loved land
Now threatened once again by Roma's far reaching grasp-
Reyer:
-but stop! Monsieur, we say not "Roma," here,
In troth, it well disrupts the proper tone
And so kills pentameter iambic!
Piangi:
O, well, si si, your "Rome," then, it shall be.
I do regret it comes not easily.
Lefevre: [Leading in Andre and Firmin]
This way, monsieurs, tread you upon the stage.
You see, then, our rehearsals under way-
Reyer:
Monsieur, you interrupt so blatantly?
Lefevre:
Apologies I give, and most profuse.
[Addressing Andre and Firmin]
And doubly I apologize, monsieurs,
For this tyrannical conductor here.
But look you, sirs, you must needs know the cast.
[points out various personnel]
Our tenor principle, a great figure in music
Alongside La Carlotta, che divina!
Giry:
Polite monsieurs, stand kindly to one side!
Lefevre:
Attention, all, in haste I call you forth!
You know, dear gentry, rumors have been spread
Of my retirement, true, perhaps in tones
Of hopefulness, but nay, I must be brief,
For I assure you these, the rumors heard
Are true indeed, react how you may see fit.
You see before you your new managers
Prepared to to set forth in their new conquests-
Andre:
Of course, now shall we hear a piece on cue?
Reyer:
A far less proud diva would not allow
Such circus tricks requested by these men,
We are, however, fortunate to have
Our gracious bella donna here to sing.
[cues Carlotta]
You hear that? That's Shakespeare rolling in his grave. Apologies for the sacrilege. But it had to be done.
More to come, as soon as I stop being lazy.
-E. von B.