The Successful Author's Guide to Harry Potter

by Pokepikachu1

Need help in writing a story that will dazzle your peers and cause the world to worship at your feet? Then look no further! The Successful Author's Guide has just what you need! Satire.

1. The Guide

AN: Please note that none of the following represent me or my opinions in any way, shape, or form. This is meant for purely satirical purposes. If you believe otherwise, then I have the deed to a wonderful little bridge in Brooklyn that I am looking to sell.

The Successful Author's Guide to Harry Potter Fanfiction

In this day and age, one doesn't have the time to actually work on a fanfiction story, so I have compiled a checklist that covers all of the essential elements of a Harry Potter fanfiction story. I hope this will come in handy to all of you aspiring authors out there.

IIIII

Step 1: Original Characters and Self-Inserts

The first thing any Harry Potter fanfiction author should do is come up with some original characters, also known as OCs. The best OC is of the "self-insert" variety. A self-insert, or SI, is when an author blatantly inserts his or her self into the story.

There are two ways to create a successful SI. The first method is to change an already existing character's personality. We'll be going over that later, so no need to worry about it yet. The second method is often the more successful one. This is to put your SI in as an OC. Everyone would far rather read about your adventures in the Harry Potter universe accompanied by the characters than read about the characters themselves.

Regardless of how you insert your SI into the story, the most important thing to remember is to make them important. What's the point of using an SI if they don't play any real role? The best choice is to make your SI the main character. That way, everyone gets the chance to see just how much better you are as compared to every other character in the universe. When you defeat Voldemort single handedly by merely flipping him the bird, I assure you that everyone reading will stand up and applaud.

If, for whatever reason, you don't wish to use an SI but still wish to write a successful story, then don't you worry. You can easily accomplish this through the use of other types of OCs.

Much like SIs, OCs must be as important as is physically possible to be successful. With an SI, however, the character already has your infinite power, wisdom, and courage at his or her fingertips. An OC does not have this luxury and must be given power. The best way to go about this is to have them born as a relative or childhood friend of the main character(s). After all, if someone is Harry's half-sister, Dumbledore's daughter, Voldemort's niece, Sirius's cousin, Snape's daughter, and Lupin's great-grandmother due to an amusing mix-up involving time travel they've got to be powerful. (1)

Another popular method of empowering an OC is to have them be blessed by the gods. Naturally this must be done via a test of some sort or your character will be attacked by the god(s) or goddess(es) who are jealous of them. Don't worry, though. Your character's perfect body, stunning mind, amazing athletic ability, and confident yet still funny and likeable personality will surely see them through safely.

Once you've got your main OC or SI ready, make sure to throw in a bunch of other OCs. After all, if people wanted to read about the actual characters, they'd read the books!

You know your OCs are successful if people are calling them "Mary Sues" or some other variation on the name. This is a term of great endearment, based on the very first fanfiction author to utilize OCs, Mary Susan. To have your characters compared to her is a great honor indeed.

IIIII

Step 2: Canon Characters

If you find yourself needing to use the actual characters, don't fret. You can still turn your humble story into a masterpiece by adjusting them.

The first thing to do is categorize your characters. Separating them into two different categories of "good" and "evil" is the best method for this. Any good characters are the ones that will side with the main character. Any evil ones are the ones that will irrationally hate and/or be jealous of the main character. Any character that isn't in one of these two categories is useless and shouldn't be in your magnum opus.

Once you have your categories, start changing the appearance of your characters. All good characters will need to become more attractive.

For girls, increase their bust size by a minimum of three sizes. Make sure the size is proportional to their goodness. The main female, for example, should have a bust of no smaller than H-cups. If anyone is less than a C-cup in the good category, then either they're in the wrong category or you're doing it wrong. If you want to be safe, then make all of the girls in this category gain DD breasts at least by the age of three.

For males, make them taller than they really are. They should all be around six to six and a half feet tall. Make sure you also increase their penis sizes. Again, this should be proportional to their goodness. The main male should have a penis that is at least twelve inches long and three inches wide.

On the other hand, all evil characters need to become less attractive. Pretty much just do the opposite as you did with the good characters and you'll be fine.

After their bodies are fixed, it's time to fix their personalities. Much like their bodies, the characters should become more likeable when they are in the good category and less likeable when they are in the evil category. For the main character, he or she should be perfection made human form, able to make women and men swoon with only a glance. If there is any conflict between any two or more good characters, they should be able to calm it with their mere presence.

On the other end of the spectrum, the main villain should be the absolute scum of the earth. A good villain should be abusive towards everyone, be disgustingly obese – a minimum of three hundred pounds, and have horrible manners.

This polarization may seem odd, but it is necessary. An author must remember that his or her audience cannot possibly be nearly as intelligent as his or her self. The author must therefore make the categories clear for said audience. We wouldn't want them cheering for the wrong people, after all.

IIIII

Step 3: Romance/Pairing

The most important part of any fanfic is the pairing. Regardless of the genre, the story should focus on the pairing. To achieve this, make sure the pairing is clearly defined by the end of the first chapter. This gives your readers the chance to judge whether it's good or not without having to continue past the first page.

If you've followed my advice and created an OC then this step will be easy. Simply pair your OC with the main character or, if your OC is the main character, with your favorite character. Make sure to never pair an OC with another OC or they run the risk of becoming unimportant to the story. Tying them to a main character will ensure this does not happen.

If you didn't include any OCs then your job is a bit harder. Fortunately for you, I'm here with a solution. People enjoy reading fanfiction to see things that wouldn't or couldn't happen, right? This means that the most popular pairings are the ones that would normally make no sense whatsoever! One can further divide this into three sections: Quadrant Vacillation (2), Physically Impossible, and Harem.

The Quadrant Vacillation pairing is quite simple, both in concept and utilization. Simply take any two characters that hate each other in canon and pair them together. After all, everyone knows that the desire to rip another person to shreds and then laugh as they burn to death is merely a sign of repressed sexual tension.

The Physically Impossible pairing is a bit more difficult to utilize and, as a result, is a bit less common. Take two characters that would normally be unable to be paired in normal society and pair them. I'd recommend baby steps for this one. Start off with vaguely humanoid creatures first, such as Hermione and Dobby, before moving onto the ones that are more difficult for your readers' feeble minds to comprehend.

The final category is the most useful: the Harem. Fortunately, it is also the easiest to use. Simply take every attractive character in canon, give them an uncontrollable lust for the character and no inhibitions whatsoever, and pair them with the main character. For best results, make your favorite character in the harem the "alpha" so he or she can control any insubordination. Naturally, every character in the harem will love the main character so much that none of them have an issue with sharing him or her. This also means that the main character must be a sex god (or goddess) and is able to satiate the harem members with energy to spare.

IIIII

Step 4: Plot

When it comes to plot, the best choice an author can make is to use clichés. The reason that things are clichés is because they have been successful time and time again. If it's worked for everyone else, then why wouldn't it work for you?

A perfect example of this is the Diagon Alley Shopping Spree cliché. What better way to give your characters amazing artifacts of infinite power than through everyday shops? Naturally these artifacts are either found in the dark and evil Knockturn alley or are fare to expensive for mere mortals to ever own. Fortunately for you, if you've followed my steps thus far, then your characters are so powerful, intelligent, and attractive that they should have no problems procuring these items.

A common sub-cliché of the Diagon Alley Shopping Spree is the Gringotts Inheritance cliché. This is especially useful for authors who chose to not use an OC, as it gives the opportunity to establish that the main character is infinitely better than anyone else in the story. Your main character should, at a minimum, be descended from and have access to the vaults of the following people: Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, Salazar Slytherin, Myrddin Emrys, a Veela, Jesus, Zeus, Odin, Amaterasu, the First Buddha, and at least three demons. After all, who else could show the world that one's ancestors and blood don't decide one's worth as a wizard?

Now that you have clichés aplenty throughout the story, it's time to focus on the main part of the plot: the final confrontation. Nobody wants to read about the hard work or effort put into training – that's just filler stuff. What readers really want to see is a big battle between the main character and the villain.

The best way to arrange this confrontation is to make all of the villains except for the main one cannon fodder. This way your character can destroy everyone and show off their divine and/or demonic powers and still have a bit of a challenge left over. Naturally the main villain should take two attacks to finish off. The first attack is to establish that he or she is more powerful than the cannon fodder that was just destroyed. The second is to show that they are still nothing when compared to the might of the main character.

With the main confrontation ready, it's time to create the rest of the story. There a couple options here. The first is to work for hours, painstakingly creating an original plot and challenges for your characters to overcome. Obviously this is the worst choice. This is far too much time and effort spent on a story and makes you seem like a pretentious snob.

Another option is to take ideas from people, but write it in your style. While better than the first, it still is time consuming and makes it seem like the author is arrogant.

The third option is to simply copy things from other stories and then paste it into a word document. Naturally this is the best option. Not only is it not time consuming, it allows you to show your skill as an author without doing any actual work.

I'm sure that some of you are protesting this option, calling it "plagiarism" and the like. To this, I make the following response: nobody will know! After all, what is the likelihood that people will have read someone else's story and remember the exact dialogue? If you're still worried, then just copy and paste from stories that haven't been updated in years.

IIIII

Step 5: Writing Style

After you've completed the above steps, it's time to actually write the story. For this, you need to come up with a writing style. When doing this, one must remember just how stupid the audience is. Due to this, one should be sure to make their story like junk food: it should rot your brain and make it feel numb.

To successfully accomplish this, one should begin by using incorrect grammar and spelling. To do otherwise turns it into healthy reading, and nobody wants that. Some easy things to intentionally mess up are the "to" and "there" word families. This allows the audience to feel smarter than the obviously infinitely superior author.

Along these lines, one should throw random large words into the mix. This allows the audience to feel as though they are reading something intelligent, regardless of whether the words are used correctly or not.

Of course, large words shouldn't be the only things randomly thrown in. You also need to show your audience that you are a mature adult. Therefore you should also randomly insert expletives, so as to show your maturity. Randomly throwing in insults such as "shitface," "fucktard," and "shit-fuck-ass-tits for brains" are great for this purpose. If you want to err on the side of caution, throw in a few "Your Mama" jokes to help display your maturity.

Another important step in writing a story is the research. Some may tell you that all of your information should be correct and, when making real world references, historically accurate. This is stupid. You can do anything you want with your story and justify it all under the banner of "It's Fanfiction!" and nobody can stop you, so why would you do actual work?

Throw in a couple of flashbacks for effect and you have yourself a well-written story!

IIIII

Step 6: Author's Notes

Now that your story is actually written, you have to write author's notes, or ANs. The first thing to remember in making ANs is to make them long and rambling. Talk about personal life, regardless of whether or not it has to do with the story. This creates a deeper connection between the author and the audience members. Throwing random ANs into the story with your opinion is another way to accomplish this.

A more advanced, though very successful, technique is to have a conversation with one or more of the characters at the beginning and end of the story. This shows that even the characters acknowledge the author to be a deity and, subsequently, the reader should as well.

Regardless of what kind of AN an author uses, it should always end with the author begging for reviews. A very effective way of doing this is to hold the story captive and refuse to update until a certain number of reviews have been written. This ensures the readers will review so you will post the next update.

IIIII

Step 7: Publishing

Publishing a story may not seem like much work, but it is very important to the fanfiction process. To ensure the greatest number of readers, one should publish it under a popular character or character(s) regardless of their level of involvement. This guide is a perfect example, as I have published it under the character of Harry Potter though he is nowhere to be seen in this story. If this feels too much like lying for you to feel comfortable, then simply insert a message from the character to appease your conscience, such as the following:

"I am Harry Potter and I approve this message," claimed Harry Potter, smiling nervously as he felt the gun pressing the back of his head.

IIIII

Step 8: Reviewers

Now that your amazing story has been published, it's time to sit back and allow the reviews to come rolling in. By the end of the first hour, you should have at least two hundred reviews. If you don't, you may have done something wrong. Reread this guide a couple more times to ensure you did everything correctly.

Naturally, some of these reviews will be those who are jealous or want to latch onto your obvious skill and fame. These parasites are easily dealt with, as shown in the following conversation:

Review: This is an amazing story, but there are a few things you could fix. I'd recommend getting a good beta. That should fix most of the problems I've seen.

Response: U MOTHAFUCKA! IMMA HUNT U DOWN ND KILL U! UD BETTER HIDE UR WIFE AND HIDE UR KIDS OR ELSE IMMA RAEP EM! U DUMBASS FLAMMIN HOR!11!one!

Some of you may think that this is an extreme response for such a tame criticism. That, however, is the point. If you respond in such a vitriolic manner to an innocent comment like that, who know how you'd respond to an actual flame? This makes sure that none question your wisdom or writing skills. Naturally the need to respond in such a manner will quickly become unnecessary; your legions of fans will quickly destroy any of the Nazi or Commie bastards that dare to oppose your absolute rule as Fanfiction Dictator Supreme.

IIIII

Congratulations! If you've followed this guide all the way to the end, then you will now have a successful story and are on your way to ruling the internet. Please note that I didn't necessarily follow my own advice in writing this guide. That is for the simple reason that I am writing an informative and helpful guide, healthy reading if you will. As such I was required to cite my sources and use generally correct grammar and spelling. As such, be sure to follow what I say, not what I do.

If you wish to read a story by a true master, then I would recommend the work of Miss Tara Gillesbie, the author of the wonderful Harry Potter fanfic, "My Immortal," a true masterpiece.

IIIII

References:

From a comic found on piratemonkeysinc dot com labeled "Sparklypoo"

From Homestuck on MSPaintAdventures, a wonderful webcomic that I heavily recommend

AN: Hope you all enjoyed this little piece of work. Since I'm on Spring Break right now, I decided to write something that's been in my head for a while now – two years in fact. If you didn't read the note at the beginning, then this is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only. This in no way reflects any of my own opinions, whether directly or by claiming the opposite. Please do not actually use this as a guide in writing a story.