Felicity's POV

Personally I should really stop thinking about Barry.

I mean, like, come on, he lives so far away. I know he's the one with the super powers but it doesn't make things even. I guess no matter what he said to me I'll always look at how different we are to how much we really have in common.

Barry has a major responsibility now. He's a super hero, more like Oliver territory. Oh yeah, Ollie. He and I aren't even on the same league to be considered together. Oliver I mean, Barry, I really don't know.

To think that is wrong, so wrong. I feel like the way things are going to turn out is the way they should be. It's going to be like this: Felicity/Oliver and then when she wakes up to what a phenomenal guy she has in her grasp, Barry plus Iris. Like hell no. Do I stand a chance against someone like Iris?

She's nice, please, don't get me started on the fact that someone could look like that and still be so nice. It just doesn't happen. It's beyond rare. It's bordering on the petals of surreal.

Ok but, here's my beef with that: Iris is a popular girl. Therefore, even the nerds notice. Not the girl no one sees except for when they need something from her doesn't have a chance in hell. Not even in hell, it doesn't exist. Popular people remain that way forever. It's like sibling's order, first child will always be the first, the second will always stay the second, and the baby, the last born will always be seen as the baby.

Felicity Smoak, that's me, well I'm the middle child and it sucks. It totally and completely ruins everything.

I don't have a clue how Barry even sees me. Nerds? The both of us? OK I'll bite, that's a big similarity I thought where it mattered. We get each other in a lot of ways. I don't feel teased or let down by him because I see the world in diverse ways. It's really heartwarming. It's nice to know someone sees what others don't. Ugh, again, looking into this more I should.

Oy, I hate my life. Things are just not OK, I am not OK.

I thought about calling Oliver or even Dig for a shoulder to lean on, I don't know how I feel about that. Oliver would be weirdly awkward, probably, and Diggle? I think he'd hear me out for what it's worth, but he can't relate completely.

I'm stuck with these thoughts. I'm trapped between myself and moving on. Barry wouldn't question how he felt about Iris. No way. This is Laurel Lance all over again. Iris is just too perfect. Barry is even more special than I thought.

My phone beeped and I jumped up before checking the message.

Felicity, hey, it's me.
Thinking about you since we met.
-Ray

And that happens, Jesus, why now? Ray - well, OK, I don't know. I was avoiding this for some time and now, he's kind of the guy that would be in "I could try this" area. Only I think he doesn't know it, probably because I haven't fully let him know I am interested yet. I thought about us dating. Imagine the monotone speech Oliver would give me? And let's not forget the massive eye rolls from Dig. Though I think Dig would have a point. Either way, those guys know about Ray and I've been putting this off for a long time.

I grabbed my phone, about certain I knew what I was going to say. My hesitation is weirding me out. I know, this is so stupid of me.

Barry is someone that was never mine - and Oliver remains on the list of "almost regret." The answer should ring like a big freaking bell in my head. Why isn't it ringing like it should? Ray - he's the guy. Maybe I should calm down about that guy.

I thought really hard about what I was going to say, without sounding like a needy person, I don't know if that's possible. People like Laurel and Iris don't feel this way. Of course they don't. They both have what I don't: options. With me, it's once in a blue moon. A Haley's Comet special. OK, you get the point.

Alright, maybe that's partially a lie. Ray, maybe he would be. But I don't feel like he's the guy that would made me feel like I'm the only woman in the world.

"Ugh, stop it you stupid corn dog. You have no idea where you are lucky." I spoke almost inside my phone as if anyone could hear my confession.

Just let Barry go, let that idiot Oliver go. Let all the guys that don't want you just go. Try not to let it bother you. Focus on the people who actually make a difference in your life. Stop pinning. Stop dreaming of something better. This is as good as it's gonna get.

I truly hate how I have to devalue myself by having another one of my usual self pep-talks even if it's meant to work. Contacting Ray is the best thing for me. I know it. Barry and Oliver will be my past. Why do I keep mentioning Barry as if he's on the same level as Oliver? They aren't. Barry is just - not mine. I need to stop stressing.

I know all is lost, completely with Oliver. I think it's over, therefore I know it is.

There is a ton of unfinished business with Barry but I can't let it bother me. That kiss meant nothing and I despise that I'm wasting more time trying to turn it into something that it isn't. I've sunk to a new desperate low.

Ugh, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry. Let him go. He's not here. He wouldn't dream of being here unless it's a Flash and Arrow collaboration. Like we're on some kind of show or something and people are writing our lives out so everyone can see. And I'm the pathetic one that never gets anyone. I hate it. It's almost like the writers of both of our life stories are purposely trying to make it impossible for us to be together. I could see it now, "Felicity Smoak: the girl who almost but not quite reaches true happiness" "wishful thinking lackey." Something like that.

What am I saying? Oh yeah, nothing really. Even in this story I'm rambling way too much, much more than usual. Well, sorry, I can't help it. Ray just texted me right now and it doesn't make things easier for my heart. I just wanna lock my door and shut out to everybody until I make sense of this.

The main problem is not that Ray isn't a great guy or right for me. He's just not Barry Allen.

He's not Barry. He doesn't have Barry's eyes or the rest of his face. He doesn't have Barry's hands, or his perfect stares. Good god. I sound nuts. I'm even paying close attention to Barry's staring ability. This has got to be a new level of nerd lust, more like lame nerd lust than my other bothersome crushes.

But I know Barry is more than that. And I don't know how much more because I just can't be with him…

I instead of texting Ray back, I dialed a number that I needed to. About 4 rings came before I got an answer.

"John?" I said, rubbing my face. "No everything's ok." I stood up pacing around my apartment.

"Sorry I know it's late, but this couldn't wait until tomorrow."

I explained to John about everything, minus the decision I was going to make. He sounded understanding enough, the guy puts up with lot when it comes to my drama. But he was relieved to hear that this time it wasn't about Oliver.

Only I didn't mention Barry by his name, I instead titled him as "this guy" John knows me well enough to trust that I was gonna tell him his name when I'm ready so he was nice enough not to pry his name out of me. All he did was listen and give me advice from a guy's point of view. He's actually really good at that.

"Felicity, I know it's a tough decision but if you need to find answers, you need to go after them yourself, how else are you going to know? Look at me and Layla. Don't stay silent about anything. I know the reaction may be hard to take, but at least you'll be glad you got the answer out there, even if you don't like the answers. I'm sorry, rejection is not something people like to go through. But if you think this guy is worth it. Go for it."

I was engrossed in soaking in everything he had to say and he was completely right. I had to know, for myself, how Barry really feels about me.

Whether this was worth it or not, I owe to myself to find out if it is.

I grabbed my purse and keys and pulled myself together before opening the door to leave.

I took once final look behind me and smirked. I could feel this was a good idea. Yes it was scary and he probably won't tell me what I want to hear, but I'd rather know if there's a chance I could find something special with Barry Allen.

Ugh, rambling again, sorry. Must go. He's not expecting me but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but the smile that would leave my face and the kiss that lingered on in mind that I sure as hell did not want to erase.