Chapter 1

There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And, like them or not, love them or not, understand them, or not… you cope.

Joe's is packed. Having a bar across the street from a hospital means you can count on having a full house even when most people usually retreat to the warm coziness of their family. Like me and Derek used to do. Every year Carolyn had everyone over and her house would light up with the laughter of our nephews and nieces running around and the immersing conversations of the adults. Not like Bizzy and the Capitan who merely sent us a card year after year. Well, this Christmas wouldn't be like that at all. I imagine Carolyn has invited Derek over, and Mark of course, but she isn't very fond of me since certain events have unfold.

But Derek didn't mention anything so here we are spending Christmas in rainy, gloomy and unfriendly Seattle. I wish I could bottle down a cocktail to feel the warmth of which this holiday reminds me, so I order a special holiday-only hot buttered rum for Derek, who should be arriving any minute, and take a few sips. Unfortunately it's not enough to put me in the festive mood.

Derek comes in looking tired. Not the tiredness of someone who has been working for 48 hours straight, because let's face it, surgery is more of a super enjoyable escape from dealing with the messy reality that is our relationship.

I start offering him his drink wanting to blurt out the secret that has been eating me inside for the last couple of weeks. In other circumstances it actually would give a really great Christmas present, but right now is one more complicating factor in our already less than uncomplicated situation. Anyways he doesn't let me speak.

"Let me get this out of my chest right away" he exhales "Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love. I'm not saying this to hurt you or because I want to leave you. Because I don't." Great this is going that way. "Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

I want to childishly say something about an undying love for Mark just to get back at his face but I shut up and try to process what he declared so decisively. It is nothing that I don't know already, Meredith Grey's face keeps popping up at every corner of the hospital, her name in almost every conversation we have, but hearing him saying it like this, on this date that we used to enjoy so much together, huts more that I want to admit.

"Ok" I tell him, obviously not an adequate expression of the complexity of thoughts that are going through my mind at the moment. "Look, I have something that I want, no, need to get out of my chest also" I make an ironic dramatic pause, letting the inquisitive look morph his face as well. "I'm pregnant" I have been waiting for the right time to tell him, although each moment seems less suitable than the last. "Shit, I know this complicates things, but I don't know…" Fuck, I don't swear. Oh I did it again on my mind. Well I'm not the same person that I was before moving to this godforsaken town and this situation deserves some loud swearing.

Derek doesn't say one word, he just stands there for a while, which seems more like an eternity, and then storms out, much like he did a couple of months ago in reaction to other, I guess you can call it, disturbing news. Derek doesn't know how to deal with some things upfront I've come to notice. I wonder if this inability has something to do with repressed feelings about the death of his father.

After a while I go out as well, no use in staying in a bar alone when you shouldn't be drinking. I find Derek sitting in the car listing to some network station which is playing a marathon of The Clash. The front window is blurred by the pouring rain, that's Seattle in all its splendor once more, but I can see he is just sitting there not moving, eyes locked on the license plate of the car in front. I join him and he drives to the rectangular shape box of metal we call home… without a single word.

We get ready, we lie down in bet like there is an ice cold river separating both sides and once more he says nothing. I don't break the silence either. He must be deep in thought, maybe about our little problem or maybe about her. Anyways, it is too awkward to talk right now, after a 27 minute and 13 seconds silent drive. I just go right into a dreamless heavy sleep hoping the next day will bring some light on the matter… and some words to Derek's mouth.

-/-

I wake up Christmas morning with an empty bed beside me. I consider getting up, but the coldness of the air and the slight nausea keeps me from doing so. Lying motionless in bed is a great way to avoid dealing or even having to acknowledge your problems. I don't know how much time passes, maybe seconds or days, probably just a few hours. The phone vibrates on my bedside table a bunch of times. After it is done vibrating for the fifth time, counting meaningless stuff being another great way to pass time, I check on it. One text from Savy, wishing happy holidays, one from Amy wishing "endurable holidays and happy Derek", always spot on with the irony that kid, and three missed calls from Nancy.

From the four of my sisters-in-law, Nancy has always been the one to whom I relate better. Not to say I have a bad relationship with any of them, but she is the closest to my age, same medical field, we are more like really close college friends, those who stay forever and every time you meet you click right away, even if you don't see each other for a long time.

As I am about to put my phone down it starts vibrating again, this time precisely on my hand. The caller ID displays Nancy. Without hesitation I press answer.

"Hey, Addie, it's Nancy!" obviously it is her, why do people always say that? I mumble some greeting in return. "Just calling to check on you guys since you haven't come over and my dear little brother doesn't answer my calls!"

She doesn't know but her timing is perfect. I can't stand the silence anymore, dishonoring my great Bizzy-like education of holding everything in, my emotions take over and I vent to her. Everything. In detail.

A.N. - Part 1 of a 3 part story. If you find any mistakes please correct me as english is not my first language. Btw Seattle inhabitants sorry for bashing it, but at this point Addison really hates it there xD Thanks for any reviews in advance ;)