Love at first sight is not scientifically possible. Of course, it's debatable but I've never believed in such things. Yet there are always times when we doubt our own mind…
The hospital smelt clean like disinfectant. I suppose that was a good thing but I had to get out of there. I needed air. I needed to think. What had just happened to Nick…it could have been any of us. We were lucky to get there in time. It made me realise how short life is and that sometimes we have to take the chances while they are there.
Behind me, I heard the door swing open and I turned to face her. Sara Sidle.
"Needed air." She said as if excusing her presence. She was always doing that around me.
I nodded knowingly, "Me too."
She stepped a little closer to me, careful to leave a safe distance between us so that our bodies wouldn't accidentally touch. "You know…I didn't think we were going to get there in time." She said softly and I knew what she meant because I had been thinking the same thing.
"That could have been you." I said, wondering instantly why I'd said it. It wasn't that I'd have cared more had it been her that got kidnapped instead of Nick. I wasn't supposed to have personal feelings for my CSIs, at least not like it was with Sara.
And she just moved a little closer, hugging herself because it was starting to get cold, staring at me with that hurt look in her eyes like I'd told her it should have been her. Her eyes…I'd forgotten how brown they were.
"Sara, I didn't mean…" I tried to explain but she wouldn't listen.
"We should get back." She said, eying the doors behind us.
"Sara…how did this happen?" I asked, searching those beautiful eyes for the answers.
I could tell she knew what I meant, yet she chose not to say anything. She continued to stare at me, her eyes so full of hurt that I hated to have caused her. She looked so much like that girl…the butterflies…What was her name? Debbie something? It's funny how I don't even remember her name, just her face staring hauntingly from the bathroom floor. And the guy that did it…Vincent Lurie. That could have been me. Not a murderer but a middle-aged man with nothing but work to look forward to and young girl who could promise me anything.
A case is just a case. I find the evidence to convict someone and that's my job done. Nothing gets personal. But this was different. That case hit home faster than I liked. I couldn't have feelings for Sara anymore than I could have feelings for Greg Sanders…not that there was any danger of that. I should have told Sara exactly what I told Lurie. I should have explained why I turned her down so many times before.
"I don't know what to do about this."
What sort of word is 'this' to describe a relationship between two people? Yet I had used it more than once for lack of better word.
And then there was Sofia…I know Sara probably hated me for what happened with her, that was my own fault. I didn't explain. I just needed a diversion. Someone different. Sara and I were good friends. It was bad enough to destroy our jobs with romantic relations with her. Did the friendship have to be ruined too? My professional relationship with Sara differed from what I had with Sofia. I was her boss! How would our work environment be compromised by us being together? I know that at that particular moment I was Sofia's boss too. But I hadn't known her long. There was much less to lose.
I was scared that when Sara had meant it when she asked me to dinner and said that I could be too late. I was scared of waking up one day and realising that I'd let her walk away. I had a big decision to make it only a few seconds.
"Catherine and Warrick will wonder where we are." Sara said, distracting my thoughts. She allowed her gaze to linger on me for a painfully long time before turning to go back inside the hospital. This was my last chance…
I grabbed her arm and turned her around. The surprise made her stumble towards me.
"Grissom…what…?" she began to say, her confused words hitting my chin in short, hot breaths.
I silenced her, whispering anything that came into my head. "Sara…"
And that was it. Nothing else came to mind and the moment was fading unbearably quickly.
She tugged at her arm to get free and I realised too much time had been wasted.
"Please…" I begged of her, loosening my grip so that she was free to go at any moment. "Please tell that I am not too late."
And there was this ugly, stinging moment between us where she just looked at me and I couldn't tell if she wanted to kiss me or hit me. Eventually I released her arm and she turned and announced that was going back to see Nick.
I followed her inside but we didn't speak to each other the whole time we were there. After a while Catherine decided to leave to get some sleep before shift that evening and it wasn't long before Warrick said something about how he should sleep too, the team being one short and everything.
Nick obviously wasn't in much of a talkative mood but Sara and I tried to keep a conversation going with him, occasionally stealing glances at each other from across the bed. Both of us were considering leaving but neither one wanted to leave Nick alone. So it was actually helpful when Greg showed up, full of stories about how Papa Olaf treated ant bites. Sara and I took that as our cue to leave and walked out to the parking lot together. It was time to go home to my lonely townhouse to remind myself of all the years I'd wasted. Even saying goodbye to Sara seemed too much after what had just happened between us. I don't suppose she expected any more of me than to just return to my car and act as though she wasn't there. Then both of us would go home, pretend to sleep, maybe do something work-related. In that respect, she was just like me. And I knew her so much more than she realised…
"Grissom?" a gentle touch on my shoulder caused me to shudder and turn around. Sara was there, looking in any other direction but at me. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and then finally met my eyes. "You're…" she began almost inaudibly before clearing her throat. "You're not…too late."
I remember thinking that it wasn't supposed to start like this. Me and her stood awkwardly close thinking we could break down the tension but just staring at each other. It was supposed to be like forbidden dreams of my fingertips dancing across her tender skin and taking in the lemon scent of her hair.
But good things or perhaps wrong things never start like dreams. They're barely like reality. I had to wonder if I'd even heard her right as the only word that escaped me was, "Oh."
"We need to talk about this, don't we?" she asked with a look of annoyance that I hadn't yet managed a sentence.
Talking seemed a safe option, however little of it I was doing. At least the uncomfortableness between us would be over. Nodding, I glanced around the parking lot wondering what to suggest.
"We could…go for a drink somewhere?" she said before I could make my mouth work. Upon seeing my slightly nervous look, she added, "Non-alcoholic of course."
I forced a smile. "Um…I'll drive and bring you back here to get your car later."
She gave a quick nod and waited for me to get into the driver's seat before she walked around to the passenger side and climbed in.
"Where to Miss Sidle?" I asked with a smirk.
Smiling, she asked for a surprise
I took her to a quaint little café a couple of miles down the road. We ordered and sat by the window silently. Somehow all the things I had wanted to say floated from my tongue before I could open my mouth.
"Did you mean it earlier?" Sara asked suddenly.
With the silence broke, the question seemed harsh and real and I knew that she was giving me one last way out. It would have been so easy to act like I didn't know what she meant. And here we were, just a friendly drink between colleagues. Nothing to see here. Maybe my job was the most important thing in my life. Maybe I didn't have time her. Maybe I had never taken a risk like this before in my life.
But I nodded, even smiled a little and watched her reaction. She didn't care how much I'd hurt her in the past.
"So, are we…together?" she asked nervously, giving me a second chance to make it clear that I didn't want a relationship with her. But it wasn't that I didn't. It hadn't ever been that I didn't. It just seemed such a big step to finally come to a point where I stopped thinking about all the complications this caused. You only lived once and for most of my life I hadn't lived at all. My life was dull and uninteresting to those who didn't know me. But Sara dared to know me. Back in San Francisco… now here. Did she always take in everything I said? Did she hear that day…?
It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us, couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it ...but you did. You risked it all ...and she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else, and you were lost. So you took her life.
Did she know who I was referring to?
"I don't know," I forced out at last, "are we?"
"I stopped chasing you a long time ago." She said, clasping her hands together. "But I never really gave up."
"I'm sorry Sara…"
"You really want this?" she asked "You're not going to change your mind?"
Without hesitating, I reached out and squeezed her hand. "Let's keep this our secret."
And as she smiled wildly back at me I knew I had made the right decision.