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~ When Sooner or later it's over ~
~ I just don't want to miss you tonite. ~
Duo wrapped his hand
around the cold beer and carried it to his chair by the window where he
dropped it onto the coffee table and sat down. Staring out, he touched
his long chocolate brown braid and finger combed out the tangles that
always seem to get into the few loose strands at the end of it.
"It isn't fair, Heero." He said to himself, "Why do you
fight your inner demons by yourself? Why won't you let me help you? But
perhaps it's better this way. I do not wish to intrude on your life. You
are most likely happier without my interference."
Picking up his notebook and pen from the table that also held his drink,
Duo put pen to paper and began to write.
~ ~
~ ~ ~
How long has it been
since I've known Heero Yuy? Well, I won't even bother counting back the
days; I just know that it's a long time. He is the strongest of the five
of us in both body and mind. Or so that's what he wants everybody to believe,
but I know better. I've always known there is more to him than he showed
on the outside, even when he didn't even want me to know.
But we are friends, or were friends, and there are just some things that
you can't hide from your friends even though you want to. I never asked
him about those things. Wasn't any of my business. Can't say, though,
that I didn't want to ask, because I did. He never told me and I never
asked. That's the kind of friendship we had. We found other things to
talk about and that probably turned out better for both of us. We'd, at
least, end the conversation with a smile.
Heero's gone now. Gone to fight those inner demons alone and I don't know
where. I hoped he would come to me, what friend doesn't hope that? In
Heero's mind there is nobody to trust but himself. I respect his wishes.
After the colony wars, the five of us had a rather difficult saying good-bye.
We had grown close in those trying times. We never talked about our real
feelings that we suffered from, but in most instances, we got the support
we needed just by knowing the others were there. In the end, we had to
say goodbye and we all went to our respective homes. We didn't make any
plans to see each other again. I guess we just assumed we would, but that
never happened. I didn't know why. Probably circumstances, beyond our
control. Or maybe laziness.
Heero and I stayed in minor contact for a while, sending each other amusing
electronic messages for a bit of humour as well for some support during
the troubling times after the wars. It showed a side of Heero that I had
never yet seen before. It showed that Heero knew how to have fun and that
he really did care. And he had, under that tough exterior, the most brilliant
sense of humour. I was so proud to call Heero Yuy my friend. I still am.
Then, one evening, I did the unthinkable. I picked up the phone and using
the number listed in the phone list under the name Heero Yuy, I called
him.
"Hi, Heero? It's Duo."
"Duo?" He said. "Gee, how are you?"
We talked for three hours, sharing stories, talking about ourselves, and
deliberately making the other laugh. I never felt so close to another
friend in all my life and I didn't want it to end. But it had to. Some
days, I really did have to sleep.
"Well, Heero, I've got to go." I said to him, staring at his
face in the video monitor. "It's been nice talking to you."
"Sure thing, Duo." He replied, "We'll talk again soon."
"Heero, one more thing."
"What's that?"
"Thanks."
"Sweet Dreams, Duo." And his face disappeared as the monitor
switched off, seemingly ignoring the thanks he'd just received, but I
knew better.
We chatted like this a few more times. Sometimes he'd call and sometimes
I would. But each time, Heero distanced himself further and further from
me and our conversations got shorter and less humorous. I didn't know
what he thought of me anymore. But I still cared, and I didn't know how
to tell him that. And even if he called me right now, I still wouldn't
know how to tell him. Maybe that's all he needed to hear from me or maybe
it had nothing to do with me at all? I don't think I'll ever know the
answer to that question.
Pretty soon, he stopped calling altogether, succumbing to whatever inner
demons he fought with and I have not yet brought myself to try and contact
him. It's been a couple of weeks since I last heard from him.
I think there might be a little fear in me. That maybe I drove him away.
Because it seems as though I drive all of my friends away. In this one
important instance, I fear I came on too strong and in a way Heero didn't
know how to react to. I should have known better.
Heero, if you ever get the chance to read this someday, after I'm gone,
there are a few things that I'd like you to know. You are a wonderful
person with a beautiful soul. You have the gift of making other's laugh,
which few people have. If you ever need a friend, I'll be here, waiting
by the phone. If not, please understand how much you touched me in the
time that I've known you and hope that someday your battle with your shadows
comes to an end and you find the happiness that you seek. I'll never forget
you, Heero.
~ ~
~ ~ ~
Duo closed his notebook
and threw both it and the pen back on the table. Sitting up, he wiped
a stray tear from his eye, knowing that Heero would never hear the words
he wrote. Duo decided after writing these words out, he would no longer
torture himself by trying to figure out what Heero Yuy thought. Or wanted.
"When Heero wants to talk to me again, he'll call. But it doesn't
stop me from missing him." Duo said to himself, getting up and walked
into his room. Collapsing onto the bed, Duo Maxwell understood he would
sleep and sleep well this night. In his writing, he had put down what
he felt which is something that he had never done before and in doing
so his own demon had gone.
~
When everything's made to be broken ~
~ I just want you to know who I am ~
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