Disclaimer: I don't own these guys, they own me.
Warning: songfic with the usual angst
A/N: Right now, Smile Empty Soul owns a considerable part of my soul. :) All lyrics (in italics) belong to those awesome guys.
I try
To be the man I am
In times of broken lives
And shattered dreams and plans
Standing up to fight
The corridors were empty and yet Zack sneaked through them like a thief in the cover of darkness, except for the fact that the Shinra Tower was never dark.
He reached the all too familiar door quickly, pulled out an entry card from his pocket and slid it through the lock mechanism. With a small click the device opened the door, almost making him jump, violet eyes glancing around the deserted floor nervously.
Should anyone catch him here, he would have a hard time explaining why was he trying to sneak into the room of a deflected First Class SOLDIER.
Finally, he was inside and the door closed behind him with the same quiet sound it had opened with, and for a moment he leaned to it, letting a sigh escape before moving to lie down on the pristinely done bed.
He hugged the pillow and pressed his face into it, inhaling the faint scent of skin and soap and Angeal, for a moment pretending his lover was still there, still close before he could feel the cold heat of his tears.
He never cried during the day, never showed a crack on his cheerful facade. Not like he was afraid of showing emotion or of what others might think, no one could ever accuse him of that.
But there was Sephiroth. And even though the silver general acted like nothing had happened, when they were alone, nothing could make the haunted look in those green eyes go away, and if Zack had to be strong for the both of them, he would be, no matter how hard it was.
But here, in this room there was no way to stop the overflowing hurt as he cried himself to sleep.
And when I wake up you'll be here
And it will be the way it was
The way it was...
--
I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile and feel alive
I let my walls come down
He still couldn't believe it. In the room, everything was the same, and yet somehow warmth was gone, suddenly everything grey and empty and jaded and bleak. Memories lurked in every corner like whispers in a delusional mind, mocking him with their sweetness that was now bitter.
The chair where Genesis would read on clear sunny mornings, the cup he favoured washed and clean in the cupboard, his shampoo in the tiny bathroom, giving him the urge to pick up the bottle and breathe in the scent of cinnamon that had long ago washed out from his sheets.
He couldn't look anywhere without remembering, so he stood by the window looking at the city lights, waiting for a light knock on the door that wouldn't come, a chuckle from behind his back, slender fingers threading through his silver locks, but there was nothing but cold suffocating silence.
It hurt. But what hurt even more was that Genesis didn't trust him to understand, to trust him to accept him as he was now, even though in his heart nothing has ever chaged.
No matter how I try I don't know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain
--
You keep my calm when I'm not fine
You take the pressure off my mind
And even though I don't see clear
I feel safe cause you're here
Darkness. Darkness all around, and if there was a light somewhere, he couldn't see it. He felt like he was reaching out blindly for something that could be just a mirage for his tired eyes cried dry and aching.
He never felt like this, not in the huge house that he escaped from as often as he could to spend his afternoon in Angeal's room, not during his training where everybody was hellbent on breaking them and reshaping them, not during the war that tore at both their souls with steel claws and forced their eyes open to bitter and inconvenient truths.
So it felt like this to die?
He never feared death. Death in his vocabulary was something tragical and poignant and overly impressive. The fall of greatness demanded respect and grief, honor and remembrance.
Decaying like some rotting carcass left out in the sun was anything but.
He pulled his knees higher up against his chest, and suddenly he felt a strong arm encircling his waist, a warm body settling against his back and pulling him close, and he finally closed his eyes that had been staring sleeplessly into the night for hours now. A warm breath brushed the back of his neck and he turned over, looked into strict eyes of steel blue.
He needed this touch, this mercy, and he pressed his lips to Angeal's, guilty and stricken.
When I'm lonely
When I'm calling out
Scream for a friend
You always hear a sound
Keep me happy
Keep me happy now
When all the world around
Crumbles to the ground
--
I'll take the blame
So you don't have to feel ashamed
I'll hide your pain
So deep that you won't feel a thing
The soft lips on his are familiar, hesitant, barely there as if afraid of being refused. It breaks Angeal's heart, the true depth of Genesis' insecurity. He kisses him long and deep in an attemp to comfort, to heal, even though he knows he can't.
The only one who could they've pushed so far away, burnt all the bridges and now they are all alone, and it hurts.
Genesis rests his head on Angeal's chest, splayed fingers feathering over hard ribs as though absent-mindedly, and he places a kiss to that smooth temple, breathes in the sweet scent of cinnamon and apples.
The redhead looks up, and in those relieved azure eyes, Angeal can see him again, barely reaching the doorknob of their house, huge child eyes open wide and filled with the glow of hopes and dreams, holding a freshly picked, dusty Banora White in his tiny hands, clutching it to his heart as he is drinking in the news about a strange young boy rising to fame within the ranks of SOLDIER, admired by all.
He holds that precious body closer, careful as though it might break, holds him until they both drift off to sleep in each other's arms, the bitter lump in his throat never quite going away.
As I hold you
I'm drowning too
I'll hide my tears
To help you through
--
AN2:
Zack - I Want My Life
Sephiroth - With This Knife
Genesis – To The Ground
Angeal - Disease