STUPID DAISY CHAINS!

"I swear, if anyone says 'break a leg' again I WILL SHOVE THEIR HEAD UP THEIR A-". Scout broke his leg, he is out of action, and he has developed a strong hatred for daisies, all thanks to his temporary replacement.

A/N: Kelz, you are a terrible person for not being bothered with writing up this story idea yourself. But thanks for the storyline. Why on earth are you not writing fanfiction? You silly, silly, SILLY person. Feel bad.

I dedicate this story to Kellie, and to Meg for introducing me to this fandom.

Oh… and Meg, you know that you said that Scout is an 'acquired taste'? Let's say that I'm eating A LOT of junk food right now.

Scout's iPod:
Hit That – The Offspring

I swear, I can explain…

"God Dammit! Frikkin' daisy! Die you stupid, sorry excuse for a flower! Summery goodness my pale ass! I'm gonna fuck you up! I'm gonna fuck you up so bad, Satan is gonna make daisy chains in hell!"

Long story short, I'm mad.

"If both my legs are fine, I'm gonna stomp you till you friggin bleed! Plants ain't supposed to be bleedin', but I'm gonna make sure you fuckin' do!"

I'm mad because of a number of reasons.

"How do my crutches taste, huh? You flowery bitch! I am gonna cripple you with my cripple stick!"

The first reason; I broke my leg.

"Eat! My! Cripple! Friggin'! Stick!"

The second reason; I've been replaced.

"Go to hell, petal whore!"

The third reason; my replacement is a girl.

"I'm gonna turn you into compost for your motherfucking mom!"

Her name is Daisy. This explains my sudden daisy hatred.

"Kid!" I could hear Sniper calling behind me. "Stop murdering the daisy and get back inside. Medic is already pissed off with his med gun being broken. Don't add to his problems by breaking your leg even further."

Medic? Pissed? How the hell does he think I feel?

I knew Snipes was right, so I limped awkwardly back into base. I took a quick look over my shoulder, satisfied that I've converted an innocent daisy into a sorrowful pile of mush. I'm not usually like this; I haven't beaten up inanimate objects in a long time, not since I was a younger kid. My previous enrolment with the army helped with getting rid of that habit, since I could shoot the enemy if I was angry. But right now I can't bonk a BLU on the head, my mummified leg denied me that privilege, so a random daisy outside would have to do.

Speaking of daisies, I hate Daisy. The bitch! She's a girl! What, is my job as a scout suddenly a little girl's work now? She can't cope with the strains of a man's work. I mean, what's she gonna do, skip all the way to the Intel? What if there were BLU's in her way? Is she gonna spray perfume in their eyes? Is she gonna whip 'em with her bra? Bonk 'em with her jugs?

I hate life right now.

A cup of coffee greeted me when I entered the kitchen. I looked at Sniper sceptically before I took it, taking a much needed sip from it. A cold beer would be preferable, but a coffee would have to do. The caffeine buzz would keep my mind off things.

"What's your problem, kid?" The Aussie asked as he dusted off his hat. I replied with a glare, but he carried on giving me an intent stare. I shook my head, huffing in annoyance as I put my cup of Joe on the table.

"I think you already know," I spat. "I can't believe you chose a chick to do my work."

Sniper laughed, much to my annoyance. He went up to the kitchen counter, making his own fix of coffee. "We were hired on the same job twice," he began. "I killed the guards, she stole the goods. Job done, nice and quick."

"Cut the crap," I growled into my beverage. "I bet the broad ain't fast like me. I'm irreplaceable."

He smirked, pushing his sunglasses higher up his nose. Why is he wearing them indoors anyway? The kitchen isn't even that bright.

"You're right," Snipes laughed as her stirred in the sugar to his drink. "Sheila's not a fast runner like you, and she don't take pain well like you either. She'll be killed easy by the BLU's."

That's right. Now Snipes is finally talking some sense. "Damn right, she'll be picked off easy-"

"But you're an idiot."

My coffee suddenly tasted revolting, and I spluttered as I looked back up at him. Was I hearing things right?

"I'm not an idiot, dumbass." I spat. The Sniper has returned to talking a load of rubbish. Me? An idiot? Get real, old man.

"You are not a quick thinker, kid." He sighed as he settled down on the opposite side of the table. "She is. She doesn't need a bullet to sort out any enemies that gets in her way."

I rolled my eyes disbelievingly. I'm not exactly as smart as Engie, but hell, I ain't as dumb as Heavy. Jeez, that guy freaks me out to no end, going from blubber to muscle faster than you can say 'Sandwich'.

But I bet you my bottom dollar that Heavy is smarter than the new bitch.

"Mornin' Daisy." Sniper greeted as I heard footsteps enter the kitchen. I reeled around to face her, glaring daggers at her to intimidate the little girl.

"Morning," she returned the greeting. Look at her, smiling sweetly at our Sniper all innocent like, laughing like some dumb retard. I mean, just look at her, she doesn't look like she's fit for fighting. What has she got, her stupid blonde hair all made up and neat in a pony tail, her arms friggin pathetic and her legs even more pathetic. No wonder why she can't run as fast as me, I mean, she's so friggin' small… so stupid and, and tiny! Tiny small!

"Good morning," she smiled at me as she walks over to the fridge. "You must the Scout that I'm temporarily replacing. You're leg must be that bad, huh?"

I grunted, taking a sip out of my coffee. Bitch ain't worth me usin' my vocal chords. If you could call her a bitch. I mean, gender bender or what? Does the chick even have tits? Or are they man boobs? I can't tell from lookin' at her… I mean him. Heshe. The shemale makes the ugliest chicks in Massachusetts look good, I mean, Jesus!

Okay, in truth she actually isn't that bad looking, but jeez, I would rather have a butch woman do my work than some blonde sissy.

"Your voice broken too?" Daisy's tone lowered, recognising the fact that I'm ignoring her. Man, she has a weird accent. W-where the hell is she from, England? Does she have bad teeth too? Wouldn't be surprised.

"Ignore him," the Aussie chuckled. "He's a little grumpy today."

"Ah," she sighed as she opened the fridge. "Guess he's like me granddad back home in Wales."

Whales? Da fuck is she talkin' about whales for? Does she live in the carcass of one or something? I dunno about Sniper calling her smart and all, but this girl is definitely stupid to start talking about living in fat ass animals. I'm not having some idiot to represent me.

I went over to the fridge, shouldering into her and purposefully hitting her with my crutches. She yelped in protest, much to my satisfaction, as I snatched the milk carton from her hands.

"Sorry," I smirked. "Really thirsty, ya know."

Daisy raised a brow, standing awkwardly in front of me. "Well, would you like me to get you a glass then?"

Aw look at her, trying to be all nice like the girly girl she is. Well, she's a girly girl, might as well make her feel right at home with the rest of us men.

"Nah, we drink straight out of the carton." I shrugged before chugging down the stuff. Man, grossing out girls are fun. Maybe then she'll quit.

"Ew."

Plan seems to be working. I am a genius.

"What's wrong, a little spit ain't gonna hurt ya." I laughed. Her nose wrinkles as I gave her back the carton. Mission accomplished.

"Um… I don't mind anyone drinking straight out of the container," she said slowly as she put the carton in the bin. "I have a brother, so I know what it's like. It's just that the milk you just drank is out of date."

Suddenly, I don't feel too good.

And so, it begins.

x x x

Ah, my first TF2 fic.

Tell me what you think :)

See ya in da next chapter, chucklenuts!