The cold asphalt with shivers running up my back, and the cold rain
is drilling into me like bullets on soft snow. The piercing wind is blowing
hard, howling around corners and whipping the loose hair around my face,
stealing warmth like the sea steals sand from the shore. Crouching against
the building, I stare at the choppy waves of the bay, captivated by them as
they swell to amazing heights, and then crash against the rocks, so furious
and yet so beautiful.
"They're coming! Run! Run!"
How can they be back so soon? I just took the potion! Can nothing stop these voices still haunting every miserable moment of my life? Can nothing return me to who I once was?
I ask these questions, but I know the answers. They are locked in my own memory...
Smoothing my shirt, I turned the corner and walked towards the group of teenagers gathered around the dumpster at the end of the dark alley. My nerves were soaring, always afraid of rejection. But that wouldn't happen tonight. It couldn't. Pansy had invited me herself to join her gang of friends.
I was halfway down the dead-end street when I stopped dead in my tracks. They were smoking. I had always wondered why they hung out in dark alleys when they were so admired and feared, but I had just assumed that was what you did when you were cool.
"That's all right." I told myself. "It doesn't matter, I mean it's probably just a couple muggle cigarettes." That's what I told myself. But it did matter. I didn't want to smoke, but I kept walking anyway, too scared of rejection to leave.
"Hey," Pansy started in her monotonous tone when she approached. Breathing out a cloud of fumes, she continued. "You came."
"Yeah," I replied, trying to look cool without trying too hard.
"Here," Pansy offered, holding out the joint. "Try some."
My stomach lurched, realizing with horror why they were here, away from the lights of the city where even a cop would turn a blind eye to minors smoking. It had to be pot. My instincts told me to leave, but I had tried so hard to fit in, to be accepted. I wasn't going to just leave now.
"Don't you want it?" she asked. A couple of the others looked over. Draco Malfoy, the sex god of Hogwarts, was among them.
"I just didn't know you guys smoked muggle weed." She covered, letting her voice slip into the same dull tone as those around her.
Her comment was answered with scattered laughs. "This is Wizard's E, Blaise." Pansy informed her. "Much stronger than anything muggles could make."
"Have you ever even heard of it before?" a Slytherin asked. Blaise could never remember her name.
"Course I have," she responded, much more confident than she felt. Reaching out, she took the joint
I stared at the white stick with its heavy, sickly sweet aroma, feeling the still, smooth paper for a long time before I worked up the courage to bring the foul substance to my lips. Slowly, I lifted the lumpy roll to my face. Unable to put it off for any longer, I inhaled the thick smoke, sucking the poison into my body. It coated my mouth and throat, giving me a sick sensation of suffocating, and making me choke and cough. Pansy laughed again.
"It's weird the first time. But you get used to it."
I didn't understand why anyone would willingly try to get used to the awful feeling. It didn't even seem to do that much good. Looking around me, I didn't see people that were too happy. They all had dim, bloodshot eyes, void of any interest or thought. They were just blank, soulless. Their only light came from this foul plant that intoxicated their mind.
Instead of voicing my opinions, I just nodded, silencing my thoughts. I might be wrong. And I wasn't going to give away an opportunity to be a part of this group. That was all that mattered to me, and now look where I am.
I can clearly remember the first time these strange voices entered my head. I had just accepted them when they started talking. I didn't notice that they were new. I just listened to them.
Beep Beep Beep
The piercing ring of my alarm sliced through the air, jerking me out a sweet sleep.
"Stay in bed. No point getting up."
But it's the first day of term.
"Don't worry about school."
"Stay in the warm. Stay in the comfort."
They told me, so I listened. I didn't wonder why, I just knew I should stay in bed.
What about school? I questioned them, not quite ready to accept their decision.
"You don't want to go to school."
"None of the others do."
That decided it. I couldn't go to school when the others didn't. I'd be cool. I'd stay home.
I ignored the alarm, and it kept beeping until my mother came to turn it off.
"What's wrong, dear?"
"I feel sick," I answered, barely opening my eyes.
"But the train leaves for Hogwarts today."
My face lit up as I remembered Hogwarts. Magic everywhere and so much to learn. The big castle with all it's passages and secret doorways, the proffeseurs each so different. Hogwarts dinners with such delicious meals, hearing the laughter and joy echoing in the hall... and sitting near Pansy. Trying to be interesting, even if I'm ignored.
"You don't want to go."
"You don't care."
The smile slipping off my face, I responded dully, "I'll go late."
Surprised at my behaviour, she took me to the doctor that night. He sighed as soon as he saw me, but instead of telling me what was going on, he took tests, tests, and more tests. Then, finally, he delivered his life- changing diagnosis.
"You shouldn't have believed him! He lied to you!"
He lied... wait, that's not right...
When he walked into the room with the last test results, he seemed worried. He put down his keyboard, and looked me in the eyes. "You have been diagnosed with schizophrenia."
The voices didn't like this.
"He's lying!"
"Don't listen to him! He's tricking you!"
I stupidly believed them. Instead of listening to my senses, I took the advice of the small voices talking only inside my head.
"I haven't," I responded. "You're lying to me, and I won't take it." Standing up, I left the room.
When I got to the hallway my mother was waiting. She was determined to get me treated, so she dragged me kicking and screaming back into the office.
"They're in league against you!!"
The doctor had a lot of trouble, but in the end he gave me plenty of medication, in spite of my struggle. Soon the voices left, and I was just me again.
"He just drugged you up!"
Life wasn't too bad after that. I had plenty of medication, but with it I could leave a mostly normal life, except mum kept me home to look after me. I missed Pansy and Draco and even Marcus Flint, but I was okay. Then, gradually, the effects started to wear off.
I started to change my mind all the time. It got worse and worse, and then the voices returned.
"Fancy medication won't work. We are a part of you."
But there was still hope. There was a potion in the wizarding world that could help. Dumbledore had Snape owl me doses every morning. It started off wonderfully. Even when it started to wear off, I could still control them.
"Why control us? Listen to us! Listen and be happy.!"
Now there is no hope. The voices are always there, and they're becoming harder and harder to ignore.
"Don't ignore us!"
"We will help you!"
It's only a matter of time now. Just time before they get complete control. Just time before I am a prisioner of my own mind, doing the every wish of voices made up by my own subconscious.
"You don't need them!"
"You only need us!"
I need to escape. I need to be free. I can't live like this. Instead of listening to the voices of so many people I loved in the crowded halls of Hogwarts I'm sitting in the rain, with only the voices inside my head.
But I don't have to. This is my chance. This is a chance for peace. Eyes fixed on the turbulent waves, and yet strangely calm with my last resolution, I stood and walked to the rail.
"Don't go over there! It's just cold water. Go to the warm!"
"You don't want to be away from us!"
I have to escape. I have to be free.
I climbed the rail, standing for a moment on the top rung, with the wind in my face, whipping around me, I was truly alive. But that would not last for long. Taking a deep breath, I stepped, letting my misery be swept away by the current.
"They're coming! Run! Run!"
How can they be back so soon? I just took the potion! Can nothing stop these voices still haunting every miserable moment of my life? Can nothing return me to who I once was?
I ask these questions, but I know the answers. They are locked in my own memory...
Smoothing my shirt, I turned the corner and walked towards the group of teenagers gathered around the dumpster at the end of the dark alley. My nerves were soaring, always afraid of rejection. But that wouldn't happen tonight. It couldn't. Pansy had invited me herself to join her gang of friends.
I was halfway down the dead-end street when I stopped dead in my tracks. They were smoking. I had always wondered why they hung out in dark alleys when they were so admired and feared, but I had just assumed that was what you did when you were cool.
"That's all right." I told myself. "It doesn't matter, I mean it's probably just a couple muggle cigarettes." That's what I told myself. But it did matter. I didn't want to smoke, but I kept walking anyway, too scared of rejection to leave.
"Hey," Pansy started in her monotonous tone when she approached. Breathing out a cloud of fumes, she continued. "You came."
"Yeah," I replied, trying to look cool without trying too hard.
"Here," Pansy offered, holding out the joint. "Try some."
My stomach lurched, realizing with horror why they were here, away from the lights of the city where even a cop would turn a blind eye to minors smoking. It had to be pot. My instincts told me to leave, but I had tried so hard to fit in, to be accepted. I wasn't going to just leave now.
"Don't you want it?" she asked. A couple of the others looked over. Draco Malfoy, the sex god of Hogwarts, was among them.
"I just didn't know you guys smoked muggle weed." She covered, letting her voice slip into the same dull tone as those around her.
Her comment was answered with scattered laughs. "This is Wizard's E, Blaise." Pansy informed her. "Much stronger than anything muggles could make."
"Have you ever even heard of it before?" a Slytherin asked. Blaise could never remember her name.
"Course I have," she responded, much more confident than she felt. Reaching out, she took the joint
I stared at the white stick with its heavy, sickly sweet aroma, feeling the still, smooth paper for a long time before I worked up the courage to bring the foul substance to my lips. Slowly, I lifted the lumpy roll to my face. Unable to put it off for any longer, I inhaled the thick smoke, sucking the poison into my body. It coated my mouth and throat, giving me a sick sensation of suffocating, and making me choke and cough. Pansy laughed again.
"It's weird the first time. But you get used to it."
I didn't understand why anyone would willingly try to get used to the awful feeling. It didn't even seem to do that much good. Looking around me, I didn't see people that were too happy. They all had dim, bloodshot eyes, void of any interest or thought. They were just blank, soulless. Their only light came from this foul plant that intoxicated their mind.
Instead of voicing my opinions, I just nodded, silencing my thoughts. I might be wrong. And I wasn't going to give away an opportunity to be a part of this group. That was all that mattered to me, and now look where I am.
I can clearly remember the first time these strange voices entered my head. I had just accepted them when they started talking. I didn't notice that they were new. I just listened to them.
Beep Beep Beep
The piercing ring of my alarm sliced through the air, jerking me out a sweet sleep.
"Stay in bed. No point getting up."
But it's the first day of term.
"Don't worry about school."
"Stay in the warm. Stay in the comfort."
They told me, so I listened. I didn't wonder why, I just knew I should stay in bed.
What about school? I questioned them, not quite ready to accept their decision.
"You don't want to go to school."
"None of the others do."
That decided it. I couldn't go to school when the others didn't. I'd be cool. I'd stay home.
I ignored the alarm, and it kept beeping until my mother came to turn it off.
"What's wrong, dear?"
"I feel sick," I answered, barely opening my eyes.
"But the train leaves for Hogwarts today."
My face lit up as I remembered Hogwarts. Magic everywhere and so much to learn. The big castle with all it's passages and secret doorways, the proffeseurs each so different. Hogwarts dinners with such delicious meals, hearing the laughter and joy echoing in the hall... and sitting near Pansy. Trying to be interesting, even if I'm ignored.
"You don't want to go."
"You don't care."
The smile slipping off my face, I responded dully, "I'll go late."
Surprised at my behaviour, she took me to the doctor that night. He sighed as soon as he saw me, but instead of telling me what was going on, he took tests, tests, and more tests. Then, finally, he delivered his life- changing diagnosis.
"You shouldn't have believed him! He lied to you!"
He lied... wait, that's not right...
When he walked into the room with the last test results, he seemed worried. He put down his keyboard, and looked me in the eyes. "You have been diagnosed with schizophrenia."
The voices didn't like this.
"He's lying!"
"Don't listen to him! He's tricking you!"
I stupidly believed them. Instead of listening to my senses, I took the advice of the small voices talking only inside my head.
"I haven't," I responded. "You're lying to me, and I won't take it." Standing up, I left the room.
When I got to the hallway my mother was waiting. She was determined to get me treated, so she dragged me kicking and screaming back into the office.
"They're in league against you!!"
The doctor had a lot of trouble, but in the end he gave me plenty of medication, in spite of my struggle. Soon the voices left, and I was just me again.
"He just drugged you up!"
Life wasn't too bad after that. I had plenty of medication, but with it I could leave a mostly normal life, except mum kept me home to look after me. I missed Pansy and Draco and even Marcus Flint, but I was okay. Then, gradually, the effects started to wear off.
I started to change my mind all the time. It got worse and worse, and then the voices returned.
"Fancy medication won't work. We are a part of you."
But there was still hope. There was a potion in the wizarding world that could help. Dumbledore had Snape owl me doses every morning. It started off wonderfully. Even when it started to wear off, I could still control them.
"Why control us? Listen to us! Listen and be happy.!"
Now there is no hope. The voices are always there, and they're becoming harder and harder to ignore.
"Don't ignore us!"
"We will help you!"
It's only a matter of time now. Just time before they get complete control. Just time before I am a prisioner of my own mind, doing the every wish of voices made up by my own subconscious.
"You don't need them!"
"You only need us!"
I need to escape. I need to be free. I can't live like this. Instead of listening to the voices of so many people I loved in the crowded halls of Hogwarts I'm sitting in the rain, with only the voices inside my head.
But I don't have to. This is my chance. This is a chance for peace. Eyes fixed on the turbulent waves, and yet strangely calm with my last resolution, I stood and walked to the rail.
"Don't go over there! It's just cold water. Go to the warm!"
"You don't want to be away from us!"
I have to escape. I have to be free.
I climbed the rail, standing for a moment on the top rung, with the wind in my face, whipping around me, I was truly alive. But that would not last for long. Taking a deep breath, I stepped, letting my misery be swept away by the current.